If I die tomorrow* I want to be remembered for being a great person, who lived with love and care for others and offered a helping hand to help those in need.
I want to be remembered for loving my husband and my family. I want to be remembered for loving my children, all of them. I want the world to know that I did everything in my power to protect and love each and every one of our babies. I want the world to know that every single decision I have made has been in the best interests of our children and our family. I want the world to know just how much I hurt that our babies didn’t survive, and how much our baby losses impacted me to my very core.
I want to be remembered for surviving and thriving. Surviving the loss of my mom and sister. Surviving the loss of each one of our 5 babies. I want it to be said that I learned to live in a new way, rather than giving up on life when things get tough and hard.
I want the world to know that my life wasn’t perfect, because perfect is unattainable and no life is perfect. But, what made me the person I am is that I worked hard to make the absolute most out of whatever circumstances I was faced with. I saw the beauty in life. I looked for the sunshine amongst the clouds and saw happiness, even on days where it was hard to see.
I want to be known for working hard. For always doing what was right, no matter the consequences to myself. I always stood up for the underdog and used my voice when others could not, no matter how hard it was on me. I want to be known for my integrity as a human being who always took the high road. As someone who had a strong ethical barometer, and listened to my heart. I was a person who was guided by compassion and common sense.
I want to be known for my adventurous spirit, which was allowed to soar from beneath my overarching practical personality. Whether it be my passion for travelling, or sky diving, I don’t want it to be forgotten that while I worked hard and I endured more than my fair share of loss, I also enjoyed life.
I want to be known for my smile and laughter. I want to be known for being straightforward and real, no matter the circumstances. Rather than hiding away my emotions, I want to be known for having real feelings and honouring them.
I want to be known as a mother, whose children meant the world to her.
I want to be known as someone who strove to make a positive contribution to the world. Whether that be making someone smile, volunteering for a worthy cause, letting someone know they are not alone in their darkest moments or sharing a laugh with someone.
When it’s my turn to leave this earth, I want to say that I lived my life with passion and I left the world a better place.
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Of personal note, when I finished writing this, I realized no-where here did I say I want to be an amazing in my chosen profession. Nor did I say I want to be known for working 14 hour days at a desk in an office. I also did not say that I wanted to hire a nanny to raise my children so that I can keep up with the demands of my profession. At no time did I say that I want to be known for being a push over, who let people walk all over me for my entire life.
Who knew writing my own creepy eulogy/obituary-type thing would help me see my priorities more clearly.
But, thanks to this I know how I want to be remembered. And by knowing how I want to be remembered, I also know how I want to live. And so I will keep working on a few of my weaker points to help them shine a bit brighter.
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* Please know that I have no intentions of dying tomorrow, or anytime soon.
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I’ve been struggling with my work situation for almost a year now.
My last work update that we needed the money for our stupid expensive international adoption so I was going to start looking for full time work immediately. But that hasn’t really happened. Instead we realized that rushing to look for employment of any sort was a response based in fear and short-term thinking. So instead, I dug further into why I’ve been so bent out of shape over my work situation. I realized that a lot of my anxiety around work was the fact that I’m almost at a 1 year mark of unemployment by choice.
The fact that I’m coming up on an entire full year since I quit my decently well-paying professional employment has been playing tricks on my brain. I’ve built the first 30 years of my life around my academic and professional achievements. Academically and then professionally I have always succeeded. No, rather, I have soared.
If I did it, I did it exceptionally. If I wanted it, I worked for it and I got it. I didn’t understand failure. I never understood that I might not be able to achieve success, no matter how hard I worked for it.
Then, during our 4th miscarriage I walked away from my job. First, I went on medical leave and then I ultimately resigned. My counsellor said I quit it to focus on my recovery. I said I quit it to focus on trying to another pregnancy stress free, or at least as stress free as I could ever be.
Today, almost a year later, we lost another pregnancy, we put our efforts into finding answers, and then we threw ourselves into adoption.
And today, I am working on a few contact projects and networking like it’s going out of style hoping to secure a few other small projects. The money is not great, actually it’s downright pathetic compared to what I’m used to. But it is keeping me engaged in industry, and I’m actually interested in it and enjoying the freedom that comes along with being an independent consultant working from home.
I’ve finally realized that I’m okay with not being the perfect professional. I am NOT going to look for full time permanent work. I am going to embrace the freedom that comes from self-employment, and not be afraid of the insecurities associated with not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from. I am going to focus on writing, volunteering and doing what I get enjoyment from.
So, I will work to disassociate my view that my personal wealth is tied to my professional abilities. And while we need more money for our adoption, the other facts of our lives are rather simple:
I did not enjoy my former employer.
I do not want to work full time at this point in my life.
Mr. MPB wants to be a dad.
So, based on these four facts Mr. MPB and I, two insanely pragmatic people, have decided to set the need for money aside and remove it from the picture for now. Recurrent pregnancy loss has taught us that there is no good time to have children – we will never have enough money or secure enough jobs – so we cannot focus on making everything perfect. We can make the finances work, so instead we are going to focus on wanting to be parents and wanting to be great parents.
We are going to focus on letting Mr. MPB continue to nest.
We are going to focus on finishing the nursery.
We are going to focus on getting through the rest of the adoption process.
We are going to focus on being healthy.
We are going to focus on being happy today, and to be happy today means we cannot compromise on who we are and what our priorities are.
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My Perfect Breakdown 