My Action Plan Revised
I’ve been struggling with my work situation for almost a year now.
My last work update that we needed the money for our stupid expensive international adoption so I was going to start looking for full time work immediately. But that hasn’t really happened. Instead we realized that rushing to look for employment of any sort was a response based in fear and short-term thinking. So instead, I dug further into why I’ve been so bent out of shape over my work situation. I realized that a lot of my anxiety around work was the fact that I’m almost at a 1 year mark of unemployment by choice.
The fact that I’m coming up on an entire full year since I quit my decently well-paying professional employment has been playing tricks on my brain. I’ve built the first 30 years of my life around my academic and professional achievements. Academically and then professionally I have always succeeded. No, rather, I have soared.
If I did it, I did it exceptionally. If I wanted it, I worked for it and I got it. I didn’t understand failure. I never understood that I might not be able to achieve success, no matter how hard I worked for it.
Then, during our 4th miscarriage I walked away from my job. First, I went on medical leave and then I ultimately resigned. My counsellor said I quit it to focus on my recovery. I said I quit it to focus on trying to another pregnancy stress free, or at least as stress free as I could ever be.
And today, I am working on a few contact projects and networking like it’s going out of style hoping to secure a few other small projects. The money is not great, actually it’s downright pathetic compared to what I’m used to. But it is keeping me engaged in industry, and I’m actually interested in it and enjoying the freedom that comes along with being an independent consultant working from home.
I’ve finally realized that I’m okay with not being the perfect professional. I am NOT going to look for full time permanent work. I am going to embrace the freedom that comes from self-employment, and not be afraid of the insecurities associated with not knowing where my next paycheck is coming from. I am going to focus on writing, volunteering and doing what I get enjoyment from.
So, I will work to disassociate my view that my personal wealth is tied to my professional abilities. And while we need more money for our adoption, the other facts of our lives are rather simple:
I did not enjoy my former employer.
I do not want to work full time at this point in my life.
Mr. MPB wants to be a dad.
So, based on these four facts Mr. MPB and I, two insanely pragmatic people, have decided to set the need for money aside and remove it from the picture for now. Recurrent pregnancy loss has taught us that there is no good time to have children – we will never have enough money or secure enough jobs – so we cannot focus on making everything perfect. We can make the finances work, so instead we are going to focus on wanting to be parents and wanting to be great parents.
We are going to focus on letting Mr. MPB continue to nest.
We are going to focus on finishing the nursery.
We are going to focus on getting through the rest of the adoption process.
We are going to focus on being healthy.
We are going to focus on being happy today, and to be happy today means we cannot compromise on who we are and what our priorities are.
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