We are quickly approaching an anniversary I desperately wish I didn’t have to remember.  In fact, part of me wishes there was some way to remove just this one day from my brain .

August 13, 2013.

The facts are simple.  We had an abortion.  Technically many call it a termination for medical reasons.  Our baby was dying, and my life was at risk.  But where I live the medical system wouldn’t terminate the pregnancy in a hospital emergency room until my life was in imminent risk, and evidently I wasn’t close enough to death so I was sent to an abortion clinic.

So, 3 years ago we walked into an abortion clinic, to save my life.  For us, it was the right decision, and I would make the same decision again today if I were faced with the same facts.  That said, that day, that moment, was undeniably one of the absolute hardest of my life.

And so today, I sit here and I remember with tears streaming down my cheeks.  I remember the torture and emotional trauma I was put through at the clinic.  But mostly, I’m trying to focus on remembering our little girl, whose name only we know and whose memory only we cherish.

I keep trying to remind myself that this 3rd anniversary is different – I’m holding my son, a son who I love more then life it’s self, a son who has made my dreams come true.  And yet, no matter how hard I try to focus on the amazingness of our son, I cannot help but think of our little girl and what could have been and how much I wish I could hold her in my arms too.

I try to imagine her nose, her hair, her smile or even her laugh.  I try to picture her running in the backyard and playing with her little brother.  And I can’t.  I literally have no picture of this little girl in my mind.  And I hate that no matter how hard I try, she’s essentially nothing more then a name and a distant reminder of a cruel situation.

Honestly, how has it been 3 years?  Why the hell was I put through the experience of an abortion/TFMR? How the heck did we survive the loss of our little girl, and the loss of 4 other babies?  And why the heck did we have to go through so many losses, and be left with nothing more then memories?  I just don’t get it…

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Random Lady

The other day Baby MPB and I were at the mall.  Just the two of us.

I sat down to feed him in a common area.  I pulled out a bottle.  I pulled out pre-made formula.  I poured the pre-made formula into the bottle.  Just as I have done countless times since Baby MPB was born.

As I did this, I saw a random lady watching.

Now, people watch Baby MPB all.the.time.  This is pretty normal – he is very social, expressive and interactive.  He has been since day he was born.  I’m used it it.

But, this was different.  She watched intently as I  prepared his bottle.

And as I began feeding him, our eyes met, and she quickly looked away.  I thought to myself, clearly not a fan of formula feeding. 

A few minutes later, through the corner of my eye, I saw her watching again.

Then she got up and started walking towards us.  As she approach, I smiled weakly, expecting the worst.  I couldn’t help but think, hopefully she keeps her opinions to herself.  I’m not interest in hearing about her perception of my poor parenting decision to ruin his life by not breastfeeding.

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And then, she stopped and began talking to us.  How old is he?  Is he your first?  Look at all his hair, it’s just so cute.  And those eye lashes, how come boys always get the best eye lashes?  He is so cute!  I cannot believe how much he smiles.  He is clearly one happy baby. You are one lucky mom!

I relaxed and truly smiled.  The conversation was simply about how cute he was and how fortunate I am.  There was no mention of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding.  She did not judge anything other then how adorable my son is.

As she walked away, I had tears in my eyes.  Her friendliness and your compassion were so appreciated.  From the bottom of my heart I waswas thankful for her. 

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I know I’m over sensitive to the breastfeeding pressures mainly because it’s something I always assumed I’d be able to do, and in the end it didn’t happen – it’s my issue.  But, the society pressure just adds to it. I know I have built walls up around me.  After years of hurt, I have built these walls to protect my heart.  But, thank you random lady for reminding me that not everyone is judgemental.  And for showing me that maybe I need to try to start breaking down a few more walls.  Even if it is just one brick at a time.

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