Where to start? General, 2019 has not been a good year for us.
January started with a family trip to Hawaii which was abruptly ended with a family member’s massive brain injury and lead to a surprise brain surgery in June. Everything turned out okay considering how badly the original prognosis was. Life is forever changed, but is still rather normal. 2019 also saw my Aunt’s cancer diagnosis and death. Her death has devastated me. And of course, other extended family drama has come up due to all the stress that everyone on both sides of our families have been experiencing. Feelings have been hurt which have resulted in us putting up a few walls/boundaries to protect our hearts. I have lots of emotions around so many things that have transpired in 2019…
Oh, and Doodle MPB is still here. She’s still crazy and insane. But she is slowly becoming a crazy and insane dog, rather then a crazy and insane puppy. And, we are actually starting to like her more often then we don’t. So progress is happening, albeit more slowly then we’d like.
My work is busier then I could ever have imagined and I’m looking forward to slowing down to a more normal pace in another year (or so). Mr. MPB’s work has also gone through some challenging and stressful transitions which has resulted in him also working more then is ideal.
All the family stuff has meant that between Mr. MPB and I, we have done 7 solo flights around North America to be present and supportive with extended family at their times of need. Plus add, in my work schedule which has required me to be away too much, our lives seem to be a lot of alternating solo parenting. (Last month was particularly bad with me away for 21 nights due to both family and work).
At this point, I like to think we are surviving 2019, but we really aren’t living. (I hope that makes sense).
Little MPB always has one parent around, obviously ensuring his care is top priory (as it always will be). But, Mr. MPB and I have become more like like ships passing in the night.
Both Mr. MPB and I understand our lives in a temporary state of insanity. We both try our best to pick up the slack when the other is either away or busy trying to get work done to meet deadlines. We both try our best not to complain (we don’t always succeed at this, but we do try).
Little MPB has handled the insanity surprisingly well. Of course, he has his bad days, but to be fair, we all do. I have to admit, my favourite moment is always his whole body happiness when the three of us are back together.
I am cautiously optimistic that the end of 2019 and the start of 2020 will see our family regain a sense of normalcy in our daily routines.
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The memories come flooding back. It’s been over 20 years, yet right now, it feels as though I am that 14 year old terrified little girl again.
A family friend comes to the door, she simply tells me there has been a car accident.
Hours later, I see my Dad, lying in a hospital bed bruised and broken. He tells me that my mom and sister are dead and he doesn’t know if my brother will survive.
Our family friends wrap me in their love and safety of their home until my Aunt and Uncle arrived from out of the County.
.
I don’t actually remember my Aunt and Uncle arriving after the car accident, everything was a blur. But what I do remember is a shift in my world once they arrived, the undeniable feeling of being truly loved and taken care of. Knowing they would always be there for me. My dear Aunt, wrapped me in her love, she stepped into my life in a whole new way, unlike anyone else. When I didn’t even know how to function in my new reality, my Aunt gave me the confidence to know that she would make sure I’d survive this, she would be my protector, she would be my supporter, and my champion. She would help me see my path through the grief. She knew she could never replace my mom or my sister or the family I once knew, but she did the things a mom does to help a young girl navigate becoming a young woman, but she didn’t stop there. She clearly knew that she had to help me emotionally and she would do everything in her power to carry me through. And, I think her way of doing that was to make sure I felt her love, as my entire life fell apart around me. When she was unavailable, she recruited her sister, to be my auntie too, and she love me just like her own nephews and nieces. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was building me a village of support and love.
From across the continent, there were days I swear she literally kept me alive. She pushed me to keep going, to keep living, to make good ‘teenage’ choices, and to keep being a good person to honour my mom and sister with my actions. She did all of this while raising 3, then 4 kids and then 5 kids of her own. She brought me into her family, and reminded me of what a family is – loving each other and supporting each other and always being there for each other.
Without knowing it at the time, she showed me how to create my own family, and how to find my way to my own son through adoption.
She inspired me as a teenager and a young woman, and now as a mom. She will always inspire me to be the best person I can possibly be.
.
I said my goodbyes, knowing that I’d never see her alive again. My heart is heavy. She’s too young. She’s too amazing. She has so much more love to give to this world. It simply shouldn’t be her. I want her kids to have more time with their mom, because it doesn’t matter how old you are, you always need your mom. I want my Uncle to have more time with the love of his life. I want more time with my second-mom. And maybe even more selfishly, I want my son to have more time with her too. But, as I know all too well, life isn’t fair.
Yet, leaving her house, a house that has always been a welcoming, safe and loving home, I couldn’t help but smile through the tears. Thinking about how she has lived the most beautiful life and that she while her time left here may be too short, her impact isn’t done. She has inspired everyone who has been fortunate enough to know her and so I know, without even trying, every single person who ever met her, will move forward spreading her love throughout the world.
As my tears continue to fall, I realized that she also showed me how to survive her death, a cruel and unfair twist in life. She showed me how to be there for her kids, my uncle and everyone who she loved and loved her. She taught me that no matter how horrible life feels when someone we love dies, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to get angry, and it’s okay to be sad. But she also taught me that we have to find a way to live with our new reality. And, eventually, when I have to start to figure out how to live without my Aunt at by side but instead in my heart, I need to keep love and compassion at the forefront.
I am confident that focusing on going forward with love and compassion is what my Aunt would want and so between the tears and the heartache, that’s what I will be doing for the rest of my life.
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My Perfect Breakdown 