Mr. MPB and I are both pretty convinced we will only ever have one child.  I know that I will never again try to carry a child to term.  I know that neither of us want to go through IVF to use a surrogate.  I also know that we don’t want to hire a gestational carrier, even if we used donor eggs or donor embryos.

But, I also know I’d love a second child.  My heart still longs for another child, a sibling for Little MPB.  In some ways it seems as though the older Little MPB gets, the more I want those baby snuggles again.

So, given our decisions on the other paths to having children, I have it in the back of my mind that the only way we will ever have a second child is through adoption.

But, and it’s a big but.

I don’t think either Mr. MPB or I are able to adopt from the USA again.  We are beyond jaded at the process.  In the end, it felt like a very corrupt agency was running the show and would have done anything just to make more money.  It just didn’t feel right.

So, the question becomes are we willing to adopt locally, waiting 4+ years?  Or are we willing to look at other international countries, waiting who knows how long and paying who knows how much?

Both of these questions scare us.  Regardless of choosing domestic or international we have to submit a new application, update our home study and start paying fees again.

And, so, while we consider our options, we have simply done nothing.  We have not contacted our local agency.  We have not started saving our pennies.  We have not even looked at the application.

And, neither of us even have the motivation to start doing anything.  And, I cannot help but wonder, does our inactivity mean that we are so emotionally scarred from our first adoption that we don’t even want to consider a second adoption?  Or does it mean that we really don’t want the financial burden of trying to figure out how to pay for another adoption, that we just aren’t going to do it again?  Does it mean that the only way to have another child is if one magically falls from the sky and into our arms?  Or does it mean that we really are okay with Little MPB being an only child?  Does it mean we are truly a 1 and done family?

And how long are we willing to wait between children?  I know technically we are still young, but if the adoption process is going to be 4+ years, we wont be young by the time the second child comes along, and the kids won’t be close in age.

And, can we really even manage another infant with both of us being self-employed and not having any parental leave benefits?

There is just so much to consider.  Being one and done just seems like the easiest answer for so many reasons.  And then, I cannot help but wonder, are we selfish to stop at one?  Is our decision to make Little MPB an only child a cruel thing to do to him?

I wish this was all so much easier.  And yet, I’m realistic enough to know that no amount of wishing will make it any easier…

If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

The Battle Has Begun

Photo Source: Adapted from Office.com Clip Art

The battle for Christmas 2017 recently took over our lives.

Mr. MPB’s family wants us to fly to see them.

My family wants their traditional Christmas eve gathering.

And, Mr. MPB and I want Christmas morning at home.

We have decided we will not negotiate Christmas morning at home.  We want a special morning as a family, and since we are the parents we are not going to negotiate on this.  Also, growing up both Mr. MPB and I always had a quiet Christmas morning at home with just our parents and siblings – so why do our parents now expect that we wouldn’t do the same with our family?  I truly don’t understand.  Can someone just explain to me why, every single year, this is a battle?  We’ve made our plans known for the last 5+ years, so why do we still have to have this argument?  And why do they all have to layer on the guilt as if our decision to spend a Christmas at home is equivalent to some sort of Satan worship? Also, why do grandparents have an obsession with Christmas being on exactly Christmas?  Isn’t Christmas about the kids, shouldn’t they come first?! (I’m starting to rant….).

We’ve also decided we will not fly on or around Christmas.  Which means a Christmas visit to Mr. MPB’s family is out.  We used to do it, and we ended up spending more Christmas’ in the airport waiting for delayed flights and eating pizza and beer for Christmas dinner.  So, we stopped doing this years ago and we are adamantly refusing to fly with a toddler at Christmas.  We will not put Little MPB (or ourselves) through that.  So, as a compromise, in early December we will fly for an early Christmas with Mr. MPB’s extended family.  We’ve organized it with all the kids so that all the kids and grandkids will visit at the same time.  The siblings were nice enough to work around our schedule as we are the only ones who have to fly.  So, now we are just hoping this is good-enough for his parents and we don’t have any further arguments over Christmas.  As an added bonus, even with Little MPB flying for free since he’s still under 2, this compromise is still going to cost us over $1500!!

As for my family, IF the roads are good, we will drive to see them for Christmas Eve, but return home that night.  The key to this decision is that we will only go if the roads are good.  Last year we drove through a snow-storm and we simply aren’t doing that again.

But, I had to admit, even after this rant, I’m really excited for our Christmas this year.  After all the pressure of Little MPB’s first Christmas, somehow this one seems easier.  Also, I think he’ll actually be interested in Christmas this year which should be lots of fun!

If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.

%d bloggers like this: