First, let me state that Mr. MPB caved on day 4 of the silent treatment and started talking me again.  Since I’m a talker, the silent treatment just slowly kills me.  We still have not a “real” discussion about the situation, but I’ll take what I can get at the moment.

Honestly, I think I know what the root of our recent problems are, or at least I know what I think the root of the problems are from my perspective.  And I’ve decided to sort through my side of it all, here in blog land.  Maybe, not my best decision since Mr. MPB tends to read this.  But I figure that I need to sort out what going on in my brain, because I know at some point we will talk about all of this, because that’s just what we do.  Which is a bit ironic, since I think this current lack of talking is actually the result of a few months of not talking enough about the things that really matter.

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Honestly, I think it all started shortly after we got home from our Iceland trip.  We had an argument about my blog.  It was a weird argument in that he didn’t like a draft of something I had written about our trip, and he thought I should change it.  But he couldn’t give me any constructive advice on how to change it.  I have no problem with constructive criticism, but I don’t take well to plain old criticism.  Anyways, he finally gave me some constructive advice, but he also stopped reading my blog because apparently he didn’t like how bothered I was by his opinion.  Now, he’s read every single word I’ve ever written on here.  That’s not a small feat because as of today I’ve written 926 post!  Plain and simple, I was incredibly hurt that he stopped reading.  And his lack of reading also meant we stopped discussing what I was writing about, and what others were commenting on.  This blog has become part of our daily lives, and I felt so hurt that he didn’t want to be part of that.  Anyways, eventually he started reading again, but the hurt has lingered.

And then, the night I was really sick, the night I went to the hospital, he was uncharacteristically unsupportive. I suggested early in the evening that I think I needed to go to the hospital because I felt so incredibly ill.  And from my perspective, even though I’d voiced just how sick I was, he couldn’t even be bothered to check on my from time to time.  In fact, I had to send him texts asking for water since I couldn’t physically get myself off the bathroom floor.  In that moment it just didn’t feel like I had the caring and compassionate husband I’m used to.  And then throughout not eating much for the next month, I struggled with even the basic of daily chores.  I clearly wasn’t doing my part around the house (which I can only assume annoyed Mr. MPB, and rightfully so).  Yet, I know I kept trying my absolute best – I made meals for him and little MPB even though I couldn’t eat them, I did all the laundry, I tried to keep the house clean, I continued to work full time to pay the bills, etc.  It wasn’t perfect but I was trying, and yet I don’t think it was ever acknowledged or even appreciated just how hard I was trying.

And so, I think as a result of these things combined with my pure exhaustion, I stopped communicating my needs and wants. For better or worse, I didn’t feel like he’d really been there for me on a few major things so I started to withdraw (which is something I am known to do when I’m upset, which isn’t a good thing, but it is what it is).  And so I stopped talking about the important stuff and somewhere along the line I felt like we just weren’t in sync like we normally are.  It was as though we were dancing to different rhythms.  And that’s never a good thing, as least as far as I can tell.

And then all the sudden we started talking on our drive last week and I tried to say all of this.  But instead I was just a big giant jerk, which clearly got us no-where.

So, I guess, what I’m trying to say, is that I think a few months of dancing to different rhythms just caught up to us.  And, while things suck right now, I know that this is all probably necessary to force us to find the same tune again.

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Yesterday, I wrote about our divine weekend away in the mountains.  And then last night, I re-read my post and I realized, I fell into a social media trap that I work so hard to avoid.

You see, I only shared the good stuff about our weekend – spending our days in nature, catching up with old friends, chasing Little MPB around, etc.  I shared this magnificent photo, which was a true reflection of the lake we spent our weekend by – we were truly surrounded by nature at its finest.

But what’s missing, and I’m sure you’ll notice if you go back and read, I never mentioned Mr. MPB* or I in this post.  I did this without much thought at the time because I was focusing on the good parts of the weekend.  But, in reality, I think I was also ignoring/not acknowledging the downside of our weekend.  The reality that made our weekend in the mountains not so divine.

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So, here’s the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  On the drive to the lake, on Friday afternoon, I may have said something kind of mean to Mr. MPB (Okay, maybe not the whole truth because I’m not going to tell you what I said.  I don’t want to air all our dirty laundry or embarrass myself in front of anyone who might read this).

Anyways, I’ve apologized profusely almost immediately.  What I said was not the appropriate way to say what I was trying to say.

But now, it’s Tuesday, 4 days later, and I’m still living with 1 word statements/answers from Mr. MPB (unless it has to do with Little MPB, then he’ll give me a few more words if necessary).  I understand that it wasn’t a conversation we were going to have while hanging out with our friends all weekend.  But I can assure you there were multiple awkward moments for me when Mr. MPB wouldn’t respond to a question I asked or wouldn’t talk to me outside of polite group conversations.

And now, we’ve been home for a few days and yet the silence continues even though we’ve had ample time to talk.  I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve even told him at some point he’s going to have to talk to me in real sentences again, and I got essentially nothing in response.

It’s clear he’s still seethingly angry at me.

But I can tell you, the 4 days silent treatment has given me a lot of time to think.  Honestly, probably too much time.  My main decision is that, I’m done apologizing.  I’ve apologized with sincerity multiple times because I made a mistake and I acknowledge that I made a mistake.  But, I cannot change what I said, it’s up to us to be adults about the situation to move past it.  However, based on his current lack of words he clearly isn’t ready to move past it and is not accepting my apology, and I’m not part parrot which means I’m not going to obsessively repeat myself.  Therefore, I’m done apologizing.

So, I guess for now, I’m just assuming that the never-ending silent treatment is going to have to end eventually.  And until then, I’m just going to keep doing my thing (working, playing with and caring for Little MPB, helping out around the house, etc.) until he decides he either wants to move past this or he wants to talk about it.

*Please be aware that I am not looking for people to gang up on Mr. MPB.  Honestly, I was in the wrong.  And while I’m deeply annoyed by his silent treatment clearly he is taking time to process his response.  And even though I don’t like it, I have to accept it.

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