I randomly bumped into someone recently, someone I used to work with on a volunteer committee, but not someone that I was particularly close to.

I saw him, and he instantly got up from what he was doing and wrapped his arms around me in a giant bear hug.  And he said “I’ve been so worried about you.  You vanished a few years ago when you quit your job and I haven’t heard anything about you since.”

I’m not a big hugger at the best of times so while the bear hug struck me as a bit odd, I figured maybe he was just friendlier then I remembered?  So, I lightheartedly joked that once I became a mom, my priorities have really shifted and I’m just not as involved in volunteer professional activities any more.

We both had places to be so we quickly planned to meet up for lunch the next week.  That lunch was yesterday.

We met at his office and walked a few blocks to a restaurant.  As we walked, he said “I knew you had a couple of miscarriages and I just couldn’t stop worrying….I had a friend, who had a few miscarriages and after her third one she fell into a deep depression.  Eventually she took her own life as she blamed herself for the loss of her babies.  Honestly, I was just so happy to see you last week and to know that you are okay.  And to hear that you have a son now, that’s just amazing!”

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To anyone reading this today, know that infertility is damn hard.  It impacts your life in ways I never thought possible.  You are not alone in this struggle.

I understand how hard loss is.  I know all the feelings that come with saying goodbye to a baby you desperately want, the dreams you had for that child, and the dreams you had for your future family.

Recurrent pregnancy loss is the most excruciatingly horrible experience I have ever been though.

No matter what happens in my life, I will always understand.

You are not alone.

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Please, please, please, if you are struggling with infertility and experiencing depression or thoughts of self-harm or suicide, talk to someone.  Please reach out for help.  If you are in Canada, please follow this link to find resources in your area.  And please, know it’s not your fault and you are not alone.

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I’ve decided to start the week out on a positive note, by sharing a few thing my toddler is saying right now that make me happy.  Of course, I’m saving the best one for last.

  1. Little MPB gets to watch cartoons on weekend mornings.  He used to just ask to watch Paw Patrol.  But one day we used the word cartoons and ever since the first thing he asks for when he wakes up in the morning on the weekends is to watch Cars and Toons.  And let me tell you, it is absolutely adorable to hear a 2 year old ask to watch cars and toons.  I want to put this into my memory forever because I know one day he will realize it’s cartoons, and it’ll stop as soon as it started.
  2. Little MPB has started saying Uh Oh Pegettios when something happens that he thinks shouldn’t have happened, like if he drops a piece of food when he’s eating.  It is beyond adorable and reminds me of when he was about 6 months old and I used to say Uh Oh Spegettios over and over again and he’d just laugh and laugh.
  3. On the not so adorable toddler side, Little MPB has also taken to saying/shouting Stop Talking, when we say something he doesn’t like or tell him to do something he doesn’t want to do.  Of course the first time he said it, both Mr. MPB and I laughed, rather hard.  Clearly laughing was the wrong response as he started saying it all the time.  Now we simply respond with, we don’t say that, it’s not a nice thing to say.  Basically, we are trying to let him know that he’s not allowed to say that, but also not draw more attention to it for fear that he’ll say it even more.  Anyways, I still think it is a truly funny toddler thing to say, so it makes my happy list.
  4. With arms stretched up, Little MPB says I pick you up.  Which clearly is his attempt at saying you pick me up.  He has his pronouns mixed up, and it is so adorable and results in some funny little sayings.
  5. Little MPB has taken to saying I Wuv You Mommy.  I Wuv You Daddy.  And he will not move onto something else until we say I Wuv You Little MPB.  And at bedtime, he probably says I Wuv You at least 10 times, and when we close his bedroom door he will then shout I Wuv You at least a few times.  This may just be the happiest and most amazing thing I have ever experienced in my life.

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