Missing My Mom

Some days, I just wish my mom were still alive.

All I want is to talk to my mom, just one more time.

I want one last hug, but I know if given the chance, I’d never let go.  I long for her warm embrace.

I want to create new memories with my mom.  I want our future to be intertwined, rather then non-existent.  There will always be a hole in my heart that simply cannot be filled.  My life is marked with before the accident and after the accident – it’s like I’ve lived two lives in one – one with my mom and sister, and one without.  I wish I didn’t know this distinction.

Sometimes I simply cannot believe that it’s been over 18 years since the last time I saw her and talked with her.  Sometimes it feels like she died yesterday, and other days it feels like it’s been a lifetime since the car accident.

Sometimes I’m thankful she is with my sister, that they died together and are together forever in eternity.  I’m thankful my sister isn’t alone and that she has our mom with her.

Some days, like my high school graduation, my wedding or my university convocations, I wish she were there with me.  These are the days that are meant for celebrating with your mom.  On these days I felt like something was missing, and looking back at them no matter how great they were, I always remember their absence.

Other days, like any one of our miscarriages or our termination for medical reasons, I wish she were with me.  I wish she were here to hold my hand.  I wish she were here to help me through the hardest moments of my life.

And sometimes, I’m angry that she died when she did.  I’m angry that someone had to miss a stop sign and destroy my family.  I’m angry that I lived trough the majority of teenage years without my mom and older sister. And I’m angry that our child will never meet their grandmother or their aunt.

Sometimes I just wish I could go back to before the accident and really appreciate the life I had while I was living it.

Sometimes I just wish

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61 Comments on “Missing My Mom

  1. I understand this so profoundly. My dad has been gone for 27 years now. And honestly, it never gets easier. And that was “just” a dad! Moms are extra special to their daughters. I wish your mom could watch you become a mom. I know she would be/is so very proud of the woman you are and the mother you are going to be!

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  2. I am so very sorry. While I have not suffered the loss of a parent I understand the whole in your heart and The longing to have her back in your life that you describe as I have similar feelings for my son. You an amazing women and I know that’s a testament to the type of woman you had as a mother.

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  3. Oh girl, I understand. I haven’t been without my mom for as long as you, but I feel all of these things. The fact that my mom will never know Lettie just blows my mind. I wish so much that you could go back and appreciate your childhood life more, that we all could, but we can’t. What you can do, though, is appreciate your current gifts and blessings — and you do this so amazingly! You are a champion at gratitude. I think the loss of your mom and babies has made you a much more grateful and appreciative person than you might have otherwise been. I wish more than anything that you could have your mom and all your babies back, but since you can’t, I’m glad that there are at least some silver linings. Sending so many hugs to you today. I can’t replace your mom or sister, not even close, but I am here for you, and I look forward to sharing your joy, sorrow and milestones in the future. Hopefully, that future contains mostly joy and happy milestones, though. You’ve had more than enough of the sorrow. HEAR THAT, UNIVERSE?! Xoxo.

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    • My friend, you are amazing. I am always in awe of everything you have lived through and survived and continue to survive. I am so sorry that you understand what I wrote today so well – I hate that you also don’t have your mom with you any more. And I also am very sad that Lettie never got to meet her and she never got to meet Lettie. Somehow it just doesn’t seem fair or right. That said, I feel like because Lettie is your daughter, she knows part of your mom because you carry part of her with you in your daily life. It’s not the same, obviously, but I think Lettie will always know the love you have with your mom because you also share the same love with her. I don’t know if I’m making sense….
      Anyways, thank you again for your kind words and your support. I too am here for you to celebrate and share your moments – the good and the not so good. Somehow I feel like together, we will make all the moments just a little bit better.

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    • Honestly, I have no idea how I survived this either! I think of the decisions I could have made at 14 in the aftermath, and sometimes I think it’s a miracle I made it out of my teenage years with my head screwed on correctly. I guess that’s just a testament to the way I was raised?
      And thank you so much for your love and your hugs. It’s nice knowing I have great friends at my side on days like this.

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  4. Sending you huge hugs. I share your thoughts and I lost my mum when I was 35, I can’t imagine how it would feel to have lost her at the age you lost yours, along with your sister. All I can say is that I’m sure she’d be so proud of your strength, your courage and your determination alongside your other achievements. Sending you strength xx

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    • I am so sorry that you have also lost your mom and share these thoughts. It’s hard wanting just one more moment, and I think no matter how old you are when you lose your mom you will always want just one more moment. I too am sure that your mom would also be proud of your for the amazing women that you clearly are. Sending you love.

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  5. So sorry for your loss. My mother passed away 7 years ago, totally know the pain you’re describing. It’s such a hard thing to experience. And to “keep experiencing” over and over again. Thinking of you.

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  6. My mother passed away in 2003 and I relate to wanting to connect. We didn’t have a very good relationship and I feel like her death put a full stop on any chance of changing that, of growing to understand each other better. Even still, when things were rough I could turn to her and that’s something you just can’t get from other people in your life. There’s nothing like hearing your Mom say things are gonna be okay. It just soothes you and fortifies you.

    I also feel like my yearning to be a mother was increased by not having mine. I lost my mother when I was in my 20’s and that had a huge impact, I can’t imagine losing her earlier and how much more I would pine for her if I had lost her when I was the age you were when your mother and sister passed away. When I think about wanting to be a mother, I sometimes think my desire is intertwined with my need to be comforted – but to transfer my comfort onto someone else – to be there for my child – to be a mother because mine is gone. Not sure if that makes sense but wondering if it rings true for you, too?

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    • I am sorry that you also do not have your mother here with you. I think you are right, that no matter the strain on the relationship there is still always something soothing about hearing your mom tell you things are going to be okay. I’m sorry that neither of us can have that.
      Also, I find your perspective of not having your mother increased your desire to be a mother. I think for me the opposite kind of happened. I’ve spent a lot of time fearing that my child would grow up without me because something will happen to me when they are young. I so do not want that to happen to our child, and I think for a while I thought it would just be better not to have children so that it couldn’t happen. And yet, now that we are having a child(ren) in the foreseeable future I feel a much stronger yearning for my mom. Does that make sense?

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  7. There are no words…The title even made me sad. I really cant imagine what u deal with on a daily basis with this, let alone special occasions. U are so amazing my friend…such a warrior ❤️

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    • Thank you so very much for your words of encouragement. Special occasions always bring a bunch of mixed emotions up in me, and I now work really hard to stay grounded in the present joy not the past memories.

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  8. I really hear you. I wish that for you and I wish it for me too. I have missed my mom much more since suffering infertility and recurrent loss and now that I’m parenting as well. It’s been 10 years for me and it’s weird that the missing has gotten harder with time. I am very deeply sorry you lost your mom so young and that you’re still missing her and always will.

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    • As I wrote this post, I thought of you as well. I know that you understand this all too well. I am also deeply sorry that you could not turn to your mom through all your losses or now that you are parenting two wonderful littles.

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  9. This makes my heart ache. It makes me so sad for you – and for the actual lost time and experiences with them. Virtual hugs to you. I wish I could change this for you. Please know we are all lifting you up.

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  10. Thinking of you as you reflect on your losses… losses that are felt so deeply especially as you are headed to motherhood. It’s the loss of your mother and sister, and also the loss of who you might have been had you not endured that loss. Peace to you.

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  11. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with so much without your mom there by your side. I just can’t even imagine…not that my mom and I live anywhere near each other, but at least I know that I can talk to her pretty much whenever I want. I’m not saying this to make you feel worse…I just mean that I have no idea how I would have gotten through so many things without her. I hope I’m not making you feel worse…I know it’s not nearly the same, but you have so many people who love you and support you in your life right now. At least you do have that, some people don’t have anyone. I wish I could come give you a hug to make you feel better…know that I’m thinking about you, as always. Love to you my friend!!! *hugs*

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  12. As others have said, I’m sure you’re mum is very proud of you and that she is most likely a big part of the person you are today and the mother that you’ll be. Hugs to you xx

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  13. This post brought tears to my eyes. I can’t imagine having to go through that. I know just the thought of losing my Mom sends me to tears. I so wish I could give you all those moments with your Mom. Sending you lots of love, my Friend!

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