Missing My Mom
Some days, I just wish my mom were still alive.
All I want is to talk to my mom, just one more time.
I want one last hug, but I know if given the chance, I’d never let go. I long for her warm embrace.
I want to create new memories with my mom. I want our future to be intertwined, rather then non-existent. There will always be a hole in my heart that simply cannot be filled. My life is marked with before the accident and after the accident – it’s like I’ve lived two lives in one – one with my mom and sister, and one without. I wish I didn’t know this distinction.
Sometimes I simply cannot believe that it’s been over 18 years since the last time I saw her and talked with her. Sometimes it feels like she died yesterday, and other days it feels like it’s been a lifetime since the car accident.
Sometimes I’m thankful she is with my sister, that they died together and are together forever in eternity. I’m thankful my sister isn’t alone and that she has our mom with her.
Some days, like my high school graduation, my wedding or my university convocations, I wish she were there with me. These are the days that are meant for celebrating with your mom. On these days I felt like something was missing, and looking back at them no matter how great they were, I always remember their absence.
Other days, like any one of our miscarriages or our termination for medical reasons, I wish she were with me. I wish she were here to hold my hand. I wish she were here to help me through the hardest moments of my life.
And sometimes, I’m angry that she died when she did. I’m angry that someone had to miss a stop sign and destroy my family. I’m angry that I lived trough the majority of teenage years without my mom and older sister. And I’m angry that our child will never meet their grandmother or their aunt.
Sometimes I just wish I could go back to before the accident and really appreciate the life I had while I was living it.
Sometimes I just wish…
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