Eighteen

Today it has been 18 years.

18 years since I saw my sister’s smile.

18 years since I heard my mother’s laugh.

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18 years ago today my childhood came to a sudden halt, and as a young teenager I grew up in seconds.

Today, I miss the innocence of my naïve youth.

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Today it has been 18 years.

18 years since I sought my older sister’s advice.

18 years since I felt my mother’s warm embrace.

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It has been 18 years since my life crashed down around me.

Today I still face random triggers that bring me to my knees begging for another moment with them, and a different ending to their stories.

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Today it has been 18 years.

18 years since I danced with my sister.

18 years since I sang out of tune with my mother.

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In these 18 years I have learned to forgive the seemingly unforgivable.

Today, I hold no ill will towards someone who made a simple mistake that held catastrophic results.

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Today it has been 18 years.

18 years since I made friendship bracelets with my sister.

18 years since I baked cinnamon buns with my mother.

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In these 18 years I have learned to live without two of the most important people in my life.

I have learned to survive with the most immense grief imaginable.

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Today it has been 18 years.

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78 Comments on “Eighteen

  1. Beautiful memories. Anniversaries are so hard. I hope you’re feeling peaceful as you remember them today.

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  2. Sending you lots of love and big hugs! I can’t imagine the pain and hurt you have gone through but I love how you continue to share your memories with them. The memories are so important after our loved ones are gone!

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    • Thank you so much. You are right, our memories are so important, they are really what keeps us connected to those who are gone, and what keeps them “alive” in a way. I am so thankful that I was old enough to have these fond memories.

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    • Thank you Courtney. It’s funny some days it does feel like a lot longer – like an entire lifetime without them. And other days, it feels like I just lost them yesterday. It’s funny how grief works.

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  3. I’m crying for you my friend. I wish I could see you in person so I could give you a big, bad-ass hug. Sending so much love to you today.

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  4. Praying for you as you walk through this day. I can’t even imagine the pain/sorrow that comes with it. Lots of love and MANY MANY hugs!!! XO

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    • Thank you so much my friend. It’s funny, today is always hard, but I always find the anticipation of the day worse then the actual date. That said, I’ll be glad when tomorrow is here.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Sending you so much love. Your words are beautiful. They do sound pretty amazing and have left such an impact on you. I’m thinking that’s why you’re so special to us here.. I suspect they had a lot to do with it and still do. Hugs friend.

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