Would I Do It All Over Again?

If I could turn back time, would I do it all over again?

Would I delay trying for kids until we were educated and stable in our careers, just to end up leaving my career?

Would I keep trying after our first loss? Our second? Our third? And our fourth and fifth?

Would I naïvely trust my local fertility clinic?

Would I seek out specialized medical expertise sooner?

Would I let myself experience the loss of 5 babies?

Would I voluntary sign up for another abortion to safe myself?

.

Honestly, I don’t know. There is no way to know for certain because what we know today changed our ability to try again.

Part of me says, absolutely. I would relive every moment, to just have one more moment with each of my little ones growing inside of me. To know the unconditional love that goes along with creating and carrying a baby, I would do it all over again.

Part of me thinks yes, it’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.   I cherish each and every moment of happiness that we had with our little ones. I cherish each positive test, and I would give anything to have had more than one ultrasounds when we saw our little one’s healthy heart beat flickering away. I would give anything to spend my day filling up on soda crackers to keep the nausea away.

Some days, I still long for more time with each one of them. I long to know them as individuals, to see their smiles, to sing them lullabies, to read them stories, to laugh as their cute little antics and to watch them sleep the night away. My heart will always long for a future that we did not get.

If I could back in time and know that I would suffer, Mr. MPB would suffer, our babies would suffer, I don’t know if I would. Mr. MPB and I have found our own ways to handle the suffering and to live with the grief and the loss. But our babies, they should never have been forced to live the short little lives they did. Our babies should never have suffered. Our babies should have had the chance to grow strong.

Knowing my babies suffered is so hard to accept and to be at peace with. I struggle immensely with this.

We created them with the absolute best of intentions. We loved them like we’ve never loved before. Yet, we were naïve. Knowing what we know now, we realize our babies never had a chance thanks to my body. They had no chance, my uterus was going to slowly kill them no matter what we did to help them and no matter how hard they fought to live. Our diagnosis, this piece of information, was the game change for us. This made us realize that creating life that is bound to die is something we could not do. We could not sign up to put an innocent child to death, slowly.

My feelings aside, my longing for another moment, I would never wish a small baby to die, and yet that’s what we did. Part of me feels very selfish for wanting another moment with them, knowing that they would have been dying. Part of me feels overjoyed that I got what I did, while each life was too short, at least I got to know what it feels like to be pregnant, to carry a life within me, to love unconditionally, if only for a little while.

So, I have no idea how to the answer the question, would I do it all over again. Yes, if I were still naïve to our diagnosis, I probably would do everything the same again from the very beginning – get married and try for kids once our careers were stable, it was the responsible decision. I would probably try again for a first or second time. Would I try again for a 3rd, 4th or 5th? I don’t know, maybe. My trust in the medical system is gone now, so I find it hard to believe I would be naïve for as long, but who knows, maybe I would be because it was a necessary (albeit slightly evil) process.

But, what I do know, is that our burden of knowledge means that now I could never try again. I could never create a life to essentially just watch it die. I cannot relive that agony.  I cannot imagine having to endure another abortion for medical reasons.  And, I most definitely cannot put another innocent baby through a slow death. I just can’t.

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31 Comments on “Would I Do It All Over Again?

  1. I am sorry that you’ve had to go through this and that it’s something you may always wonder about. I wish I had words to help. I wish I could tell you that your little ones were so little that they didn’t feel any suffering, but I have no idea at one point they can feel things and I don’t know if that would truly help either way. Praying that one day, you will be able to find peace in it all. Love you!

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    • You are such an amazing friend, thank you for your kind words. I suspect you are right, I will probably always wonder on some level about this stuff, but hopefully with time it will be less frequent.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think we all ask ourselves these questions over the big things in life. I’m not sure what your spiritual beliefs are, but I believe a soul chooses their journey before they’re born – however long or short that physical journey is. Your babies perhaps came to you to feel that unconditional love, however briefly they felt it physically. Your babies are still with you, in spirit, of that I have no doubt.

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    • You are so right, I know for me personally, I always seem to reflect over the big things in life, and wonder if I did things correctly and if I could have done things better. Sometimes I think it’s about trying to learn to be a better person and make better decisions. Sometimes I think it’s about being my own worst critic as we were just discussing.
      I find your thoughts about souls choosing their journey before they’re born to be fascinating. I am a strong believer of choice and subsequent consequences, not any sort of destiny or fate. But, I love your thoughts on this. Thank you for sharing.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. If I could do it all over again I’d reconsider having kids so late. I just took for granted my fertility and didn’t realize how challenging it would be to get pregnant and remain pregnant. Everyone made it look so easy partially because infertility and miscarriages are usually dealt with in silence. This is why I’m so grateful for this blogging community and appreciate your truths.

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    • It’s always interesting to look back and think about how we would do things different, eh? It’s interesting that you mention the idea of starting to try earlier, and that the one thing I probably wouldn’t change. And you make such a good point about the misconceptions around fertility because miscarriage and loss are so hidden from typical society – it is so unfortunate that this is the common practice.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think it’s always good to ask yourself and reflect. And I think it’s always good to have boundaries and know your limits. But with Love, with family, it’s harder to keep a set boundary… In my experience. I can’t tell you how many times I said I wouldn’t do it again… But I did. Out of love. I wish so bad no one would experience these things. I wish I understood why we did. MUCH LOVE, hugs, XOX!

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  5. This was a very powerful post. It is such a hard decision to try again after a loss. Even though the what-ifs don’t really matter, it is still impossible not to go there sometimes.

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  6. This is sort of like playing the “what if” game. It’s hard. It’s hard to hold on to these kinds of thoughts, and wonder about things that you honestly have no way of truly answering. I think at the time, while you were going through everything, you made the best decisions that you could at the time. You can only make your decisions based on what your Drs are telling you, and nobody has a crystal ball. I hope you aren’t beating yourself up over anything. I’m happy that you had the time with your babies that you did. You were a awesome mommy then, and whenever you finally have a baby in your arms, you’ll be an awesome mommy then too. ❤

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    • You are right, this is just another version of the what if game. What if I could do it all over again, would i do the same thing? And you are also right, I have no way to ever know if I’d do things different. And realistically, I probably wouldn’t because it was a process to get to where we are today and that process, the good and the bad, was necessary. You are so smart Amy! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Always thinking of u. I too struggle immensely with the idea of our babies we lost suffering. I try to believe that God didnt let them suffer when I start thinking about it. It helps a little.

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    • Thinking of you too, it’s so unfair that we get to endure these thoughts!
      If I’m logical about it, I tend to think realistically they wouldn’t have developed far enough to have had physical feelings of suffering. But, I really have no idea.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Pingback: Uncle | Sweeping Up the Broken Pieces

  9. I always find this question really difficult because I do believe that we generally make the best decision based on our knowledge at the time. I don’t think you should blame yourself or consider yourself selfish for what happened to your babies. You didn’t know, and after you knew, you did everything in your power to prevent any further pregnancies. That was a hard decision to make, but it was the most humane one for your babies. I wish you could have another moment with each of them, but I feel like our angel babies remain close to us. They are like our guardian angels. They know how much you love them, and you can speak to them anytime.

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    • “I do believe that we generally make the best decision based on our knowledge at the time” – this is so true. We did the best we could with what we knew at the time, so if we were to redo it all, we’d probably do the exact same thing. I’d like to believe we’d wise up to a few things a little quicker, but really, why would we? And even so, all this contemplation is almost a pointless task as we will never repeat this part of our life in the same circumstances.
      Anyways, thanks for making me think and love to you as always.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. It’s so easy to have these thoughts and second guess ourselves because we can’t go back and get a do over. There is no time machine where we can go back and change the course of our history.

    I often wonder if having an extra six months or year whether having more time would have made it easier. But honestly there is no way of knowing whether those things wouldn’t have happened to you if you started to try sooner.

    Sending you strength during this difficult time.

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    • You are so right Greg. There is no time machine that will ever allow us to redo any part of our lives, We can take the lessons we learn with us as we enter new situations but that’s about it.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. This is such a great question. Sometimes I wish I could just turn back the clock and never know this pain. Other times, I am just thankful for knowing the joy of pregnancy. Your words are perfect.

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  12. I guess hindsight is 20/20. I’m sorry that the path has been so painful. It’s tough to lose that innocence that “everything will be ok”. I think it has changed me forever. Love to you!

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    • Ya, you are right hindsight is 20/20. And you are also right that our innocence is gone, and it’s sad in so many ways that we both look at pregnancy differently then we should.
      Love to you my friend. I am thankful I have you to encourage me along.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Definitely it is hard to second guess. Just remember that you made the best decisions with the information and resources available at the time. I was really kicking myself a few weeks ago about making the “wrong” decisions.
    I think that your decisions cut deeper because you feel your babies suffered, but at the time you thought that they would not suffer. You had no way of knowing. Now that you have more information, you can make better decisions. Good luck. xoxoxo

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    • Thank you so much for your kind reminder – you are right, we did make the best decisions we could at the time. Hindsight being 20/20 allows us to second guess, but the reality is we did our best at the time. And as we know more we can make more educated decisions with how to move forward.

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  14. Pingback: Searching For Meaning Through Loss | My Perfect Breakdown

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