I started my blog at a pivotal point in my life. Life wasn’t going the way I ever imagined it would. I was struggling to keep my head above water and I felt utterly alone in my struggle. When I started writing, I chose the name My Perfect Breakdown because:
- For better or worse, I have a tendency to always try to do things perfectly. Or at least as perfectly as a human is capable of.
- At some point, I realized that my attempt at perfection wasn’t going as smoothly as I wanted it to. My breaking post was having multiple miscarriages. And, so, with my husband at my side I resigned from my decently high paying professional career, and decided it was time to focus on learning to live in a new and healthier way.
- If I’m going to have a breakdown, I’m sure as heck going to try to do it perfectly. You know hire all the experts (i.e. career counselor, mental health counselor); try all kinds of healthy living strategies like finding happy moments every day for 365 days, writing through my emotions and experiences, and leaning into fear, etc. Ya, the irony of a perfect breakdown is not lost on me, yet I was bound and determined to do it perfectly.
My Perfect Breakdown started as a window into the heart and soul of my life. A place where my story, my truth, my emotions were laid out for the world to see.
While this is all still true, the reality is that the meaning of my blog and these three words is actually greater then just the events that occurred when I started my blog.
Today, these three words evoke much deeper meaning in my heart.
For me it’s really about the way that I’ve lived my life. I’ve spent nearly my entire life, since my mom and sister died, trying to live perfectly for them, yet often being just one step away from my breaking point. As a teenager, I worked hard to put on a facade to the world that I was surviving and my family was “normal”, yet on a nearly-daily basis I felt like an after-though from my Dad and step-mom. And then, I lived the same way with Mr. MPB, trying to be perfect even though he knew me well enough to know that I was far from perfect and never once expected me to be perfect. And then I literally lived for our babies. I tried to do everything perfectly to give them a head start in life, and yet it was out of my control and I truly failed miserably for the first real time. My facade was broken, but more importantly so was my heart and soul.
So really, My Perfect Breakdown, is all about my life trying to lead a perfect life and realizing that it’s impossible. Learning to embrace my faults and not hide from them. Leaning to stay grounded in the present and hope for the future. Leaning to let go of control and accept and live a messy life. Learning to accept myself for who I truly am. Learning that sometimes no matter how hard you try life will not go the way you want. And more then anything, learning to embrace a different path to my family then I had ever envisioned.
So, no matter what happens in my life – miscarriage and loss, open adoption, dogs, marriage, photography, travel, work, friendship, trips to the zoo with toddler(s) or death of a loved one, I am confident that My Perfect Breakdown is always going to be part of my heart and soul.
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