Sitting in Anger
I’m not an angry person, never have been actually.
And yet, this last week, I feel completely consumed by anger. Like, jumping up and down screaming kind of angry.
I am angry at my husband and I for not educating ourselves on progesterone earlier.
I guess it’s not fair to say I’m mad at my husband and I. I fully acknowledge we have done everything we could think of to advocate for ourselves and, really we could not do more than that. We are not medical people, we trusted, we asked a lot of questions and we’ve pushed for extra testing. We just didn’t know to ask this one. But, if we had only known what we know now a year ago, a few pregnancies ago, we may have a child at home with us right now. So it just suck.
I am angry at our “unexplained” RPL diagnosis.
This is bullshit. (I hate swearing, but it says my feelings best).
In this day and age, to tell someone just keep trying and one of these times it should work, without any real science behind that assertion, is just bullshit!
If I told one of my clients, keep doing things the exact same way you have for the last 5 failed attempts, and just hope for another outcome, they would laugh in my face!! So, why the heck are we accepting that our situation is simply bad luck and to try again?
I’m angry that the best science and technology out there isn’t available to us. Which means the science and technology that is the basis of all of our medical decisions is antiquated, and therefore has resulted in a lack of understanding and therefore an incomplete analysis to provide an accurate medical diagnosis.
I live in Canada, a very advanced country, so it seems slightly insane that what is available to us isn’t good enough and isn’t the best! And in order to get the technology we need, we are looking at having to go outside of our country. This just seems stupid.
I’m mostly just incredibly angry at our RE and our clinic.
Like fuming angry.
I’m angry because for the first time, I feel like if our clinic had investigated everything, including our progesterone, a year ago when we first got referred to them, we could be in a very different situation. There is potential that progesterone started after ovulation could have saved our 4th and 5th babies! We lost both 4 and 5 while seeing this RE. If, they had put me on progesterone right after ovulation, our 4th baby, which we lost at 9 weeks, could be alive today! If it didn’t implant properly due to low progesterone, then it was just a matter of time until it died because progesterone supplements at the time of a positive pregnancy test cannot fix a poor implantation. And our fifth one, which was a chemical pregnancy, could potentially also have been saved. Most often, chemical pregnancies are a direct result of poor implantation, and progesterone’s main purpose is to support healthy implantation! Logically, this means that if progesterone is our problem, that baby had no chance of implanting properly because I wasn’t on the supplements! I know, there could easily be more causing our RPL then just progesterone, but it could also be that simple! And, with the right care, that is such an easy thing to do, it could all be different.
I’m so angry at our RE and our clinic. Just so angry.
Even if they don’t believe in progesterone after ovulation having an impact (which apparently some doctor’s don’t), should they have at least told us about it so we could make a decision??
And, the situation we are in right now, just makes me even angrier. I had a low progesterone test on CD 21 (4.1) and then they wouldn’t do any follow up to see what my progesterone was doing after that to see if it kept rising. (My second test on CD23 was the result of my family doctor, not my RE as my RE will not address this blood result until we see him next). And then I’m told I have to wait 2 months to have any sort of interpretation of this result?! I feel as though my clinic have followed up with me, sent me for more testing to monitor this cycle and/or our next one, and then looked at developing a plan moving forward?! If we are showing a potential problem with progesterone, shouldn’t they at least follow up on it?! This just makes no sense to me! (I should mention that after many frustrated conversations with the nursing staff, they did agree to let us see our RE on October 3, but still they refused to get us an interpretation of our test result other than to say that that it is the clinics policy that the progesterone testing has to be over 10 to consider that ovulation has occurred.
I feel like I can no longer trust them to provide the best care possible. And, this makes me angry.
We are now even wondering if our sub-par care is the result of the fact that we are unique being one of the 1%, and we are not profitable to them. Our clinic is a private clinic, so like all private clinic, they are out to make a profit. Presumably they make their profit on the 99% who struggle to conceive, because they turn to procedures like IUIs and IVF – these are not cheap. If it comes down to simple economics, we are just a pain in their ass and not worth there time. (I hope this isn’t the case, but the anger makes me question it).
Whatever the reason that our clinic has dropped the ball, this strong feeling of anger is relatively new to me. There have been many moments of anger and frustration over the last 2 years, but not anger like this.
My husband and I have both chosen to accept the anger, and let the anger linger all week. That said, we both know we need to be careful. For me, this level of anger reaches deep into my very being. Anger so strong that if I let it, could cripple me.
I think some level of anger is a good thing. It’s motivated a big change in the care that my husband and I are demanding from here on out. We will now be questioning every last thing we are told, and absolutely nothing will be taken for granted.
This anger has resulted in not just expecting, but rather demanding, that we receive top care with timely responses to our concerns and timely interpretation of our test results.
I have to, and indeed want to, hold onto the force driving me to ask more questions and take absolutely nothing for granted, but I know to be healthy, I have to let go of the all-consuming anger. And with that, I’m going to spend my day searching out moments of happiness and to help turn the anger dial down to a much healthier gentle simmer.
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