Sitting in Anger
I’m not an angry person, never have been actually.
And yet, this last week, I feel completely consumed by anger. Like, jumping up and down screaming kind of angry.
I am angry at my husband and I for not educating ourselves on progesterone earlier.
I guess it’s not fair to say I’m mad at my husband and I. I fully acknowledge we have done everything we could think of to advocate for ourselves and, really we could not do more than that. We are not medical people, we trusted, we asked a lot of questions and we’ve pushed for extra testing. We just didn’t know to ask this one. But, if we had only known what we know now a year ago, a few pregnancies ago, we may have a child at home with us right now. So it just suck.
I am angry at our “unexplained” RPL diagnosis.
This is bullshit. (I hate swearing, but it says my feelings best).
In this day and age, to tell someone just keep trying and one of these times it should work, without any real science behind that assertion, is just bullshit!
If I told one of my clients, keep doing things the exact same way you have for the last 5 failed attempts, and just hope for another outcome, they would laugh in my face!! So, why the heck are we accepting that our situation is simply bad luck and to try again?
I’m angry that the best science and technology out there isn’t available to us. Which means the science and technology that is the basis of all of our medical decisions is antiquated, and therefore has resulted in a lack of understanding and therefore an incomplete analysis to provide an accurate medical diagnosis.
I live in Canada, a very advanced country, so it seems slightly insane that what is available to us isn’t good enough and isn’t the best! And in order to get the technology we need, we are looking at having to go outside of our country. This just seems stupid.
I’m mostly just incredibly angry at our RE and our clinic.
Like fuming angry.
I’m angry because for the first time, I feel like if our clinic had investigated everything, including our progesterone, a year ago when we first got referred to them, we could be in a very different situation. There is potential that progesterone started after ovulation could have saved our 4th and 5th babies! We lost both 4 and 5 while seeing this RE. If, they had put me on progesterone right after ovulation, our 4th baby, which we lost at 9 weeks, could be alive today! If it didn’t implant properly due to low progesterone, then it was just a matter of time until it died because progesterone supplements at the time of a positive pregnancy test cannot fix a poor implantation. And our fifth one, which was a chemical pregnancy, could potentially also have been saved. Most often, chemical pregnancies are a direct result of poor implantation, and progesterone’s main purpose is to support healthy implantation! Logically, this means that if progesterone is our problem, that baby had no chance of implanting properly because I wasn’t on the supplements! I know, there could easily be more causing our RPL then just progesterone, but it could also be that simple! And, with the right care, that is such an easy thing to do, it could all be different.
I’m so angry at our RE and our clinic. Just so angry.
Even if they don’t believe in progesterone after ovulation having an impact (which apparently some doctor’s don’t), should they have at least told us about it so we could make a decision??
And, the situation we are in right now, just makes me even angrier. I had a low progesterone test on CD 21 (4.1) and then they wouldn’t do any follow up to see what my progesterone was doing after that to see if it kept rising. (My second test on CD23 was the result of my family doctor, not my RE as my RE will not address this blood result until we see him next). And then I’m told I have to wait 2 months to have any sort of interpretation of this result?! I feel as though my clinic have followed up with me, sent me for more testing to monitor this cycle and/or our next one, and then looked at developing a plan moving forward?! If we are showing a potential problem with progesterone, shouldn’t they at least follow up on it?! This just makes no sense to me! (I should mention that after many frustrated conversations with the nursing staff, they did agree to let us see our RE on October 3, but still they refused to get us an interpretation of our test result other than to say that that it is the clinics policy that the progesterone testing has to be over 10 to consider that ovulation has occurred.
I feel like I can no longer trust them to provide the best care possible. And, this makes me angry.
We are now even wondering if our sub-par care is the result of the fact that we are unique being one of the 1%, and we are not profitable to them. Our clinic is a private clinic, so like all private clinic, they are out to make a profit. Presumably they make their profit on the 99% who struggle to conceive, because they turn to procedures like IUIs and IVF – these are not cheap. If it comes down to simple economics, we are just a pain in their ass and not worth there time. (I hope this isn’t the case, but the anger makes me question it).
Whatever the reason that our clinic has dropped the ball, this strong feeling of anger is relatively new to me. There have been many moments of anger and frustration over the last 2 years, but not anger like this.
My husband and I have both chosen to accept the anger, and let the anger linger all week. That said, we both know we need to be careful. For me, this level of anger reaches deep into my very being. Anger so strong that if I let it, could cripple me.
I think some level of anger is a good thing. It’s motivated a big change in the care that my husband and I are demanding from here on out. We will now be questioning every last thing we are told, and absolutely nothing will be taken for granted.
This anger has resulted in not just expecting, but rather demanding, that we receive top care with timely responses to our concerns and timely interpretation of our test results.
I have to, and indeed want to, hold onto the force driving me to ask more questions and take absolutely nothing for granted, but I know to be healthy, I have to let go of the all-consuming anger. And with that, I’m going to spend my day searching out moments of happiness and to help turn the anger dial down to a much healthier gentle simmer.
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I hate you’re going through this, I hate your clinic didn’t test your progesterone level sooner… But you’re right, while some anger can motivate you, it’s probably not healthy to hold onto it. The more blogs I follow the more I realize how different some clinics treat patients. Like how mine has a standard of progesterone starting at ovulation, even for those who haven’t tested low. I feel like we’ve come so far with research, but sometimes it’s still the little things, like a hormone level that can be easily tested. I truly hope you’re discovered the cause of your losses, and that you can move on and create your healthy, happy baby you deserve 🙂
Thanks so much for your support – I think you said it perfectly when you said “I feel like we’ve come so far with research, but sometimes it’s still the little things, like a hormone level that can be easily tested.” That’s exactly, like exactly, how I’m feeling right now!
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I think you have every right to be angry!! Its just not on. Even if they were struggling to find a cause you don’t expect them to look at the losses you’ve had and say “meh, next time maybe?”
Clearly… CLEARLY… sonething is amiss and they should at least say “we’re finding it hard to get to the bottom of it but we will keep looking and trying”.
They need to show they care about this as mich as you and appreciate the emotions it causes.
Anyway, go show them some of that anget. It might be the kick up the butt they need! Xx
Thanks so much! I think that’s the struggle for anyone who faces an unexplained diagnosis – I mean, seriously, how can there not be something that causes 5 miscarriages?! It’s just so freaking unbelievable!
I know and they seem to give the go ahead tp try again but at this point you don’t want to risk the same happening. Its such a traumatic experience and eventually you’ll be fearful. That’s not fair of them to just allow it to continue without giving you a promise to try things to get to the bottom of it.
It sounds silly but I think there should be atleast 2 people in every infertility clinic (and any other unit for pregnancy loss) that has been through it in the past so thwy can relate to people coming for help and know how emotionally draining it can be. All couples want is to feel like the specialists are on their side.
Rant over! X
You are so right about becoming fearful, although I can honestly say the real fear didn’t set in until I realized everything about the importance of progesterone right after ovulation. I am just so afraid we will end up pregnant this cycle and it will be doomed to failure.
Anyways, I thin you have a great suggestion about infertility clinics having people on staff who have been through this! Maybe there empathy would increase!
Personally, I think you have every right to be as angry as you are right now. At least at the RE and the clinic. I do not think you should be mad at yourself…we can only know so much and at times, we have to rely on and hope that our Dr. has our best interests in mind. Do you have another clinic near you that you can switch to? I can totally see why trust would be lost there…I would feel the same way. I hope you find a way, in time, to let that anger go…but it is a very real emotion and we all feel it at times. Praying for you and sending lots of love your way!!!
First, thanks so much for your support!
Unfortunately, we only have one clinic in our city. We could potentially look to changing doctors within that clinic, but we don’t see how it will help since they follow the same protocol and use the exact same nursing staff.
So, if we change clinics, we also change cities and therefore have to travel and pay out of pocket for everything. So, we have decided if we are going to travel and pay out of pocket, we are going to change to an RI who specializes in RPL specifically, even if it means traveling across North America. But, we want to do so in a way that we will still have a doctor here who is willing to oversea our care and monitor us through a pregnancy (this is something our current RE and OB are more then qualified to do). So, as angry as we are with our current clinic, we have to express ourselves carefully as to not alienate ourselves.
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Smart. Very smart. A few things come to mind. First, though I believe you have an absolute right to your anger and it’s a natural, healthy thing to own it and grieve through it… at some point it is important to let the anger go in order to move on to better, healthier, more productive things to reach for your stars…your little is just waiting for you. I believe this. I really do. Those of us in healthcare KNOW, it is not a perfected science. There’s that joke…that’s why it’s called “practicing medicine.” The thing is, just like technologies change all of the time with new inventions and more innovative processes…medicine evolves as well. There is SO MUCH that we don’t know and that we continue to research and strive to do better and find resolutions to. That said, though I believe MOST go in to medicine to “do good” and “help others”, there are unfortunately some who either from burn out or for other reasons lose that or never had it to begin with. There is some (though I do feel it’s the minority) that “cause harm” or certainly have a propensity towards “neglect”. I don’t know the reasons or what motivates people, I can only speak for myself. The one thing I am want to encourage you to do is exactly what you are doing. When people address their caregivers in anger, nastiness, and rudeness…right or wrong…it does not make them WANT to take care of you or go the extra mile for you. It will make them want to run away and shut the door. So how you address the situation is very important. I completely agree with you there. I’m SO, SO, SO, sorry you’re going through this, but do feel with that there is hope and your time is coming. Do not beat yourself up or keep looking at things you perceive you’ve done wrong. Please. NO ONE can know everything…you are learning and you are doing something about it! Go You! How EMPOWERING! Please know that there are so many people that care and that are here for you and rooting for you. You’ve got this.
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective – I love that you get the practicing medicine side of it! I so many ways it give you a great perspective on different doctor’s approaches (and patient approaches too).
I do think it is absolutely critical we let our current RE know about our disappointment in a polite way, and try to get him on board with our idea of seeing another doctor, with him as part of our team. It will be interesting to see where this all lands, because I understand most RE’s aren’t interested in what RI’s have to say.
Anyways, thank you again for sharing your knowledge, and sharing your love and support! I am so unbelievably grateful!
I totally understand…Good Luck…I tend to open my mouth before I think sometimes so you have much more patience than I, lol.
Thanks!! It should be interesting.
RPL is such an emotional roller coaster. If there were even a remote possibility that one hormone level that they didn’t check could have prevented so many losses! I know that you are seeing A private clinic, have you looked into others to see if the quality of care would be higher? It doesn’t sound like your current clinic is vested in you as a patient.
We are absolutely looking into seeing a new clinic. Just working on booking a first appointment, and arranging travel. We will see what happens!
Thanks for understanding!
I feel the same way about the first clinic I went to for the IUIs. Nothing was said about progesterone or estrogen. I really feel if they had added that we would have had a better chance of success. The new place put me on estrogen immediately just to prepare my body. Then they added the DHEA, progesterone and aspirin. The old place just gave me femera. Nothing else to support a pregnancy. It makes me angry to think of the time lost and the sadness of each failed cycle. I would never recommend them to anyone!
I totally hear you on this! It sounds like we are (or rather you were) seeing the exact same type of clinic I’m at. Here’s to hoping we make the right decision with the new doctor we choose!
I completely understand feeling angry and resentful towards your RE. And based on the way he’s behaving towards progesterone supplementation, I would look for a different clinic. However, be careful not to dwell on the what-ifs of your losses. It’s a very dangerous game to play and there is no happy ending there. I mean this is in the nicest way possible as I’m guilty of having played the what-if game myself. Big hugs.
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Oh, I get the what-if fears, and I absolutely know I’ve spent too much time there this week when I’ve thought about 4 and 5. The fact is, they are done, and even with the knowledge we have no, we cannot go back and change that. Hindsight is always 20-20.
Thanks so much for the much needed reminder/caution! 🙂
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My experience with our RE clinic in Canada is very similar. We have been super angry and frustrated with the care that we’ve received. It very much is “let’s take shots in the dark with these very expensive bullets (and time) that you have to pay for, and see if we hit something”. We’ve done the IUIs, used up 6 embryos from IVF already, had 3 miscarriages, and ONLY NOW have they scratched their heads and thought to do some investigation (karyotyping- which is only responsible for 1% of RPL). WTF! Anyways, I feel you, and while I’m sorry that you have to seek help from the States, I hope that you get what you need, and have your answers and concerns treated with respect. You certainly won’t get much more than a cookie-cutter approach here in Canada.
I so hate that you too are experiencing the same type of frustrations! Is there some sort of Canadian RE handbook that says when a patient exhibits RPL, throw-away technology and medical investigations and start praying/hoping?
Anyways, I so hope that the specialist in the States does help us, and I’ll be sure to keep you posted on our experience.
Enjoy NY if you can too!
I can assure you we will enjoy NY! As of about an hour ago our flights are booked, so there is no turning back now. 🙂
In my own way, I totally feel this. I had two doctors come up with unexplained infertility for almost two years. Now that I’m seeing a (third) capable and committed doctor, I feel like we’re starting to get to the bottom of “unexplained.” Why? Because she is asking the right questions, ordering the right tests… All these test were available to the two other docs I was seeing– they just subscribed to the “Keep Trying” doctrine.
Once you know what you’re dealing with, you can make informed decisions. 1/3 of all infertility is considered “unexplained.” It baffles me that so many doctors are okay with this diagnosis.
Anger can be a great motivator. It wakes you up, particularly when you’re not being treated in a way you think is fair. I believe you can make anger work for you, if you turn it into advocacy. Just don’t go over to the dark side…
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I hate that you get this, I totally hate it!! But, I am also thankful that we are able to help support each other. 🙂
I too am completely baffled, and hope that our anger results in finding the real answer. I would be better with an answer that says we have no chance, then with this 50% keep trying approach.
I think you have every right to be angry at all of them…the clinic, the Dr, the nurses, everyone. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. I would definitely look into another clinic, because sadly, it seems like the one you’re going to just doesn’t care that much. Again, I’m sorry.
Thanks so much! You are right, we are really feeling that our clinic doesn’t care about us. It’s interesting how far a little empathy from our doctors would go in this process!
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I am so mad right there with you. How can they tell me they can’t figure out why I have lost FIVE. What year is it?? Can’t we figure this shit out by now?? Ugh. I’m mad.
Yup, it’s absolutely insane to think that they cannot figure it out.
Oh, sweetie. I am angry for you. And yes, you have every right to fume (and throw/break things, if necessary) just remember that it won’t change where you are, but it could change Who you are.
You have labored with the shitty hand you’ve been dealt quite gracefully. And I would hate for you to feel this “Anger so strong that if I let it, could cripple me.”
Try to take a step back.
A step toward the middle.
And breathe there.
Come back to yourself.
Pick up the pieces…
Again (I know it sucks)
And move forward to what you do best…
Planning how to kick RPLs &@%
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I love your suggestion of taking a step towards the middle – I am now turning towards doing just that and getting back to my normal hopeful self.
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I know it’s not easy, but if anyone can do it, you can ❤
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I do not blame you at all for being angry hon! I’m angry for you! And even more so because you’re angry at yourself. You have not done anything wrong except put your faith and trust in your RE and his clinic. The “there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with you so just keep trying” approach is ridiculous. In the time you have being seeing your RE, he should have at least investigated your progesterone levels! I was told a very similar thing, that I should just keep trying and hope for a good egg, but at least we had all the testing and knew that my eggs were likely the issue and we decided to push on at our own risk. If low progesterone or LH is the problem for you, this is an easy thing to fix and you wouldn’t have to play Russian roulette every month you try. I agree with you. This approach to treatment is insane! That kind of apathy has no place in medicine and science.
The other thing your RE should be doing is monitoring you for an entire cycle to see if your eggs are fully maturing. You could be ovulating every cycle, but what if you’re not releasing a mature egg? If your progesterone is low, it could mean you’re releasing an egg that isn’t fully matured. I wonder if it could account for lower progesterone numbers? I don’t know, it’s just a thought. I’m not sure if an egg that hasn’t matured properly can be fertilized, but if it can, I wonder if it could very well be the reason for your losses because an egg that isn’t fully mature probably wouldn’t result in a viable embryo. It would be good to at least ask the question and see what your RE says. I know doctors make a lot of assumptions, and yours figured if you were getting pregnant, you were ovulating normally, but to not verify this is just crazy to me! When I was diagnosed with DOR, I had everything tested. They checked FSH, AMH, Estradiol and progesterone, and I also had full monitoring of my follicles up to O to see how many eggs I had and how they were maturing in a given cycle. It was all these factors that led to my DOR diagnosis. I’m not sure if you RE tested you for all of these, but he really should! Especially if all you need is a little extra hormone support to have a strong ovulation and the right amount of progesterone to support a pregnancy if fertilization occurs!
Hang in there hon. I know you need to keep a good relationship with this clinic, but your anger is justified, and these concerns NEED to me addressed!
Praying you get some actual answers and solutions from your RE at your appointment on the 3rd!
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Thank you so much for taking the time to share so many ideas. I read this earlier today on my cell phone, and have been thinking all day,about how insane it is that our RE has never monitored me for a complete cycle, and when for the first time we see an indication that something might be going on he and his clinic wont even address it! I’m flabbergasted! It truly makes no sense that my cycles haven’t been monitored earlier and even less sense that he hasn’t taken this indication as a reason to monitor my next cycle.
We have officially booked our appointment to see Dr. Braverman, so hopefully he can address this, and do a real evaluation of what’s going on. That said, there is no way I can afford to live in NYC for him to do a full cycle monitoring, but I’m confident he/we will work something out. The big trick right now will be to get our RE on board with working with Dr. Braverman, as I would really like to have my monitoring done at home to reduce costs, but we’ll see what happens next week.
It has been a pretty productive day of turning my anger into action, and I hope I can shift my perspective to continue to focus on the hope of the future rather then the frustration of the last few weeks!
Thank you again!
I flabbergasted too. I really doesn’t make any sense. I really hope you’ll get some answers when you meet with him. In the meantime, I’m so glad you have an appointment with Dr. B. I really hope your RE cooperates and will work with him too. Sending you a huge hug hon. As frustrating as the the past few weeks have been, I am very hopeful that this is getting you one step closer to finally having some answers that will lead you to your take home baby. Big, big hug ❤
Thanks so much. We are hopeful that Dr. B will be able to remove some of the in-certainty and help us find an answer.
I really hope so too!
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You definitely should be angry! Thank you for sharing your story. I knew the purpose of progesterone, but I never thought of how and when it should be used. I’ve had anger in the past where it was blinding. It takes a lot of strength to move forward, but you have already been so strong through RPL. You will get through this! Sending you lots of love and prayers!! I know you will find an RE that’s perfect for you! It will all come together!
I am so happy you have been able to learn about progesterone from my experience – this makes me feel so good that now you will be better equipped to ask the right questions!
Thank you so much for our support and your kind words!
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I am sorry this has happened but within reason I am glad you are fuming. I do my best advocacy when furious and I bet you can too. Clearly you already have! I have to board another flight but want you to know I am thinking of you two.
Thank you! I am rather confident that once I move from the emotional state of anger to the confident state of advocacy that things will improve. And, I know I am on my way there, as we have now booked our appointment with Dr. B and have our flights booked. We are still looking for a good hotel deal, but I know that will come.
Anyways, thank you again and I hope things are going well for you today and will go excellent tomorrow!
Emailed you, my friend.
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I didn’t realize what I wasn’t being told until I looked up the CCRM standards. They use all kinds of vitamins that I’m on just because they do it. They have $3,000 in other tests my new RE doesn’t do. Hopefully those aren’t the things that would make the difference. You always could have done more. You could have slept more, eating better, lost weight, taken some other drug or vitamin or acupuncture. There’s always something new to blame. Infertility should have shown you that by now.
It’s OK to advocate for yourself or even get a new doctor or whatever, good for you. And you should be angry, but don’t let it consume you. Getting stuck in the woulda coulda shoulda will take you nowhere productive. That’s why I did when I lost my baby and my tube with a doctor’s mistake. Or, more accurately, a doctor’s assumption that I was like 99% of other women. There is nothing you can do about it now, sadly. You can’t change the past.
Thank you so much for such a thoughtful comment – you are so incredibly right that “getting stuck in the woulda coulda shoulda will take you nowhere productive.” I am working hard to refocus my energy and move away from being so upset. To focus on happy and to focus on the things we can change, which is our action plan for our next steps, which includes having booked a consult with a new specialist who focuses on RPL.
Thank you again. 🙂
I totally understand your anger and you are so right in that it fueled you to advocate for yourself and you are so wise in making sure it doesn’t stew and thus cripple you. While reading I was reminded of this proverb which says, “Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.”
You have not given full vent to your rage (although I am sure you want to) but are so wise to bring calm to it in the end and use it for good (i.e.press on and pursue answers).
Hugs to you sugars! xo
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Thank you so much for sharing such a great proverb – it is very much the way I need to be and I need to focus on the calm in the end.
I’m here for you, my friend. (((hugs)))
Thank you!! I would absolutely have been lost this last few weeks without you and all your amazing advice and support!
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I saw this quote today on Pinterest, and I thought of it immediately after reading your post: You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.(Buddha) Easy for Buddha to say, right? He never physically lost any babies. I do agree with the sentiment though.
I too have had many of these thoughts (with the exception of anger towards an RE, because I don’t see one). But anger that I’ve lost two babies. Anger that I just have to “try again” because it’s ” bad luck times two.” And I want to shout at them – “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result! Are you telling me to be INSANE!” It’s just so hard.
I do think however, that if you feel you cannot trust your current clinic or doctor, that you should look for one you CAN trust. You don’t want to be doubting everything they tell you and living with the doubt and anger that will go along with continuing to see them.
Buddha sure was smart! It is such a lovely sentiment, thank you for sharing.
And, how I completely agree with the definition of insanity being the same thing we have been doing – in fact I even wrote a post on it a while ago!
And thank you for your support as we are moving forward with seeking a second opinion with an RPL specialist due to our lack of trust with our current RE. I hope at least we feel a sense of peace, knowing that we did everything we could to “solve” this.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been so let down by your clinic. The balance between trusting the experts and attempting to do our own research and advocating is so hard, it’s dizzying. I think you are having a completely healthy expression of anger right now. It’s so interesting you posted this, because I just had a long session with my therapist where we focused on dissecting my anger. I have had a hard time accepting my anger about what has happened and so instead it gets stuck inside of me and then directed at other things and in unproductive ways. So what you’re doing right now – feeling, identifying and writing about your anger – I think is really healthy. You can let it motivate you and then release it and move on when you are ready. Wishing you the best of luck as you research a new clinic and figure out your next move – I really hope you can find someone to give you the answers you deserve!
Wow, some days I feel as though we are connected in some odd cosmic way, as we seem to be in such similar places frequently!
I am happy to hear that you are also working through the anger and that your therapist is able to help you with this. Oddly enough, I’m seeing my counselor tomorrow, so I suspect I too will be spending some time talking about this emotion.
As for a new clinic, we have booked an appointment with Dr. Braverman, so we are off to NYC for a second opinion (and a long weekend of fun too). If nothing else, at least we will know that we tried our best and we both know we need to do this so that in the future we know we tried everything and will have no regrets.
I’m so glad you’re going to see Dr. Braverman! I’m looking forward to hearing how your appointment goes, and I hope he can give you some renewed hope and make you feel extra taken care of. And I agree, we do seem to connect so often on what we are going through emotionally! It’s helped me so much to not feel so alone in this.
Anger seems to be a part of this whole process 😦 It’s a horrible part but, I think, a necessary one unfortunately. Maybe a change of clinics is needed? Bottom line I wanted to say is “hugs”. Big hugs.
Thank you so much Katie! We have just booked a visit with a specialist in the USA, so off we go to get a second opinion and to enjoy a long weekend away! 🙂
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Ahhhh great post, too relatable! I have learned more and more how much I need to advocate for myself. I am tired of my questions and concerns being brushed off or being told I don’t need to take certain precautions. Not cool. Sending you hugs tonight and prayers for peace.
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