Did I Give Up?
We had five losses.
We learned that my body is unlikely to ever support a healthy full-term pregnancy without significant medical intervention with a hefty price tag and no guarantees.
We stopped trying.
But did I give up?
No, I don’t believe for a second that I gave up. And I don’t believe others who stop trying are giving up. In fact, I don’t believe anyone is beaten by infertility unless they choose to be.
I don’t think the decision to stop living a life consumed by recurrent pregnancy loss and/or infertility is a a negative choice, which the term giving up implies to me. For me, the decision to stop was a choice based in our decision to salvage what was left of our mental health and physical health. A decision based in recognizing that we needed to start rebuilding our lives, and our marriage.
For me, this decision, regardless of what we chose next, was a healthy decision and had nothing to do with giving up. I was not beaten by recurrent pregnancy loss. And I promise myself I will never sit down and count myself as a victim of circumstances beyond my control.
For us, we ended up choosing a different course of action. We chose open adoption. Others may choose surrogacy or a gestational carrier. And others yet may choose to live childless/childfree. Others may turn to donor egg or donor sperm. And others may choose to take a break and try again at a later date.
But, I do not believe for a second that any of these choices are a choice based in giving up.
Rather, for most of us, I think our choices are based in the realities we face which are often complex and intense with logic and emotion battling constantly.
For us, we embraced our reality, even if it wasn’t the exact reality I grew up dreaming about. We learned to live within our reality. Or rather, we are learning to live within our reality and to own our situation. We made choices and we continue to choose to be happy with those choices.
So, I refuse to say that I gave up.
And, I refuse to say anyone who stopped trying gave up.
Instead, I think we as society, need to celebrate those who make difficult decisions and attempt to figure out what is best for them today and into the future, regardless of what they choose.
We are all unique. Our choices are individual. And I for one believe we should celebrate this.
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