The Possibility of Choosing a Childfree Life
I’ve been spending a lot of time lately focusing on the possibility of adoption and all the fears and worries that relate to adoption. And, with the events of last week, and our 5th loss, more and more I do not believe we will end up with biological children. After our 5th loss, I just see that hope fading, and fading quickly for that matter.
So, in addition to the possibility of adoption, I have also been thinking about the possibility of a childfree life, I just haven’t spent much time writing about it. I see two distinct options ahead of us:
- Children – either biological or non-biological
If you asked me any time prior to experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss / miscarriage, what will my future family look like, I would have automatically assumed my family would consist of my husband, myself and 2 or 3 children. Children would be part of the equation. Like most people, I had been taught through the education system that sex = baby. I made the assumption that it was just that simple, and I understand that for most people it is that simple. But for my husband and I, it is just not that simple. And, we had truly never considered a life without children before. And, now it is a real possibility, and we are forced to consider it as an option.
So, now thanks for RPL, we’ve been given time to think, like really think about what our family will look like. What do I want my family to look like? What am I okay with my family looking like?
This can be complicated, as want and okay are two very different perspectives. The want is obvious, but the okay with is slowly becoming our reality. So, here is what I have figured out:
- My husband is the most important person in the world to me. He is my family. He and I are the only one that truly matters in all of this decision making. I will sacrifice almost anything to make us happy.
- The ideal family – husband, wife, 2 or 3 kids – still hasn’t changed. But I am accepting and fully acknowledge that the ideal is unlikely to be attainable for us. I’ve pretty much given up on the idea of 2 or 3, and now really only think about the possibility of 1.
- Having one child will not be the end of the world, and in some ways may be a good thing. By having fewer children, we will have more money to give that one child every opportunity possible. For example, our child will be cultured as we will travel more frequently than most families with multiple children.
- Children may not be and do not have to be part of my life. I can accept that as our reality, if I know we tried everything to make a healthy child our reality.
- Biology really doesn’t matter to me, but heath does, which is what makes the the idea of adoption very difficult for me. I want a healthy, non-addicted, non-disabled child. When considering children, this matters more to me than anything else.
- I will not sacrifice my life, my husband’s life, and our happiness simply to be parents to any child regardless of the child’s health. Our quality of life matters, and counts in this decision. We will be happier without children, then we will be with a child who suffers from something like fetal alcohol syndrome. I respect and admire anyone who can do this, but I know we cannot. I fully accept this about us.
- I am not afraid of a childfree life, like I am adoption. I know what that life will look like. I know my husband and I will be together, we will travel, we will enjoy the finer things in life, we will likely have nicer and newer cars than most and we probably won’t not need to worry about finances. But, we will likely harbor some sadness for the family that we never had, and we will have to learn to live with this in the background – sort of like a little grey cloud that will follow us around for the rest of our lives.
So, what does this all mean? There is a very good chance we will end up childfree. Depending on the hour/day/week, I think this will likely be our future, rather than having children through adoption.
I think eventually we will give up this obsession with children, with putting my body through torture, with putting our spirits through hell, and simply chose to focus on our happiness and a healthy lifestyle.
(But, don’t be surprised if I write something that completely contradicts this next week or sometime in the future).