What Are We Going To Do?
A little while ago I shared about the massive potential game change for us:
The unexpected doubling of our adoption fees.
I won’t lie, the new total number of $100,000.00 CAD have caused some major panic in our lives. We went back to re-evaluating if adoption is the right route for us to create our family with this price tag.
We’ve spent the last little while thinking about the possible decisions we could make:
- Not having children.
- Not adopting and trying again with Braverman.
- Not adopting and trying again with our local RE’s plan of action (roll the dice and hope).
- Adopting locally not international.
- Not adopting and trying surrogacy / gestational carrier with my eggs.
- Not adopting and trying surrogacy / gestational carrier with donor eggs.
- Adoption Internationally with the agency in the USA that we are already committed to.
One thing we very quickly reaffirmed is that we really do want to have children and we know that having a biological child the traditional way is unlikely to be successful given the reversed blood flow to my uterus. So we very quickly narrowed down our options to options: surrogacy using donor eggs or adoption.
The main reason surrogacy is worthwhile of discussing is that the cost is now going to be virtually identical to adoption. And thinking back to when we initially took surrogacy off the table, the cost was one of the most significant reasons. I discussed the other main reasons in detail the other day. Ultimately, we decided we needed to re-analyze our options ASAP, before our next significant adoption payment is due. If we are going to change our mind, now is the time to do it before we sink more money into adoption.
So, being me, I made a pros and cons list for both adoption and surrogacy (note this is our individual pro’s and con’s – this may not be the same for everyone else and it may not even be the same for us tomorrow, in two weeks or in two years):
|Remove birth family from the equation, if they are a negative birth family.||I do not want to go through IVF. I am not signing up for IVF, so we would have to use donor eggs|
|Mr. MPB could be genetically linked to the child (while not a big deal to us, it needs to be on the list and falls under the pro list more than the con list).||No guarantees it will work. Implantation may not occur, and / or a miscarriage may still occur.|
|We have more control over the pregnancy environment.||It is illegal in Canada to hire a surrogate so we will have to go out of country|
|International countries are limited. Thailand is officially closed to international surrogates. India, USA and potentially Mexico (there are a lot of mixed reviews about going to Mexico) are the leading possibilities.|
|We know nothing about the system including needing to find / buy donor eggs and finding a country and agency to work with. It will take time to come up to speed to be able to make educated decisions for moving forward|
|Rough numbers seem to say it will be $60,000 USD without donor eggs in the USA. Cheaper in India, but still need to travel there multiple times which is much more expensive. Ball park we are guessing it would be $50,000 – 80,000 USD once we factor in travel and donor eggs.|
|Fear of premature babies requiring medical care in a foreign country where the cost are unknown and potentially astronomical.|
|Almost completely through the approval process.||Anticipate about $80,000 USD for everything.|
|Know the international requirements and dual system as best as anyone can.||Potential negative birth family, and navigating the waters of balancing a potentially harmful relationship.|
|Know the players in the system.||We are struggling to understand where all the money we are paying is going. I’m questioning if this is about someone somewhere making money not making families.|
|Understand open adoption.||Infant Adoption in the USA appears to be largely the result of income (those who have it and those do not).|
|Know our local adoption community. We are building friendships and connecting with others who are involved in adoption (i.e. adoptive parents and birth parents).|
|Nearly 100% guaranteed success. Or at least as close to 100% guaranteed success as their can be in terms of reproduction. (Even If a birth mother changes her mind, the agency will continue to work with us to provide another match).|
|We believe in adoption.|
|We will be equal genetic parents, meaning that our family will not be genetically connected.|
So, given all of this we’ve decided, we will do the following:
- Continue to pursue adoption. We have spent months investing ourselves in adoption and at the end of the day, we still prefer adoption to surrogacy for a number of reasons. We still want to adopt, so even though it is going to cost us substantially more than we expected, we are still going to do it. We are going to find a way.
- Adopt using the same agency – We are both really struggling with this, but we really don’t have any other option if we want to pursue open infant adoption out of the USA. The trust is gone, clearly they are in the business of making money not families, but we can and have learned to function within these constraints.
- Use the remaining savings we have to pay for the initial substantial payments that are right around the corner. We’ve been expecting these anyways, so we know we can do it. That gives us a few more months to figure out the rest. This is scary for us because we have never done this before, we can and will find a way.
So, we will move forward with adoption. One day at a time.
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