What Are We Going To Do?

A little while ago I shared about the massive potential game change for us:

The unexpected doubling of our adoption fees.

I won’t lie, the new total number of $100,000.00 CAD have caused some major panic in our lives. We went back to re-evaluating if adoption is the right route for us to create our family with this price tag.

We’ve spent the last little while thinking about the possible decisions we could make:

  • Not having children.
  • Not adopting and trying again with Braverman.
  • Not adopting and trying again with our local RE’s plan of action (roll the dice and hope).
  • Adopting locally not international.
  • Not adopting and trying surrogacy / gestational carrier with my eggs.
  • Not adopting and trying surrogacy / gestational carrier with donor eggs.
  • Adoption Internationally with the agency in the USA that we are already committed to.

One thing we very quickly reaffirmed is that we really do want to have children and we know that having a biological child the traditional way is unlikely to be successful given the reversed blood flow to my uterus. So we very quickly narrowed down our options to options: surrogacy using donor eggs or adoption.

The main reason surrogacy is worthwhile of discussing is that the cost is now going to be virtually identical to adoption. And thinking back to when we initially took surrogacy off the table, the cost was one of the most significant reasons. I discussed the other main reasons in detail the other day. Ultimately, we decided we needed to re-analyze our options ASAP, before our next significant adoption payment is due. If we are going to change our mind, now is the time to do it before we sink more money into adoption.

So, being me, I made a pros and cons list for both adoption and surrogacy (note this is our individual pro’s and con’s – this may not be the same for everyone else and it may not even be the same for us tomorrow, in two weeks or in two years):

Surrogacy

Pros

Cons

Remove birth family from the equation, if they are a negative birth family. I do not want to go through IVF. I am not signing up for IVF, so we would have to use donor eggs
Mr. MPB could be genetically linked to the child (while not a big deal to us, it needs to be on the list and falls under the pro list more than the con list). No guarantees it will work. Implantation may not occur, and / or a miscarriage may still occur.
We have more control over the pregnancy environment. It is illegal in Canada to hire a surrogate so we will have to go out of country
International countries are limited. Thailand is officially closed to international surrogates. India, USA and potentially Mexico (there are a lot of mixed reviews about going to Mexico) are the leading possibilities.
We know nothing about the system including needing to find / buy donor eggs and finding a country and agency to work with. It will take time to come up to speed to be able to make educated decisions for moving forward
Rough numbers seem to say it will be $60,000 USD without donor eggs in the USA.   Cheaper in India, but still need to travel there multiple times which is much more expensive. Ball park we are guessing it would be $50,000 – 80,000 USD once we factor in travel and donor eggs.
Fear of premature babies requiring medical care in a foreign country where the cost are unknown and potentially astronomical.

 

Adoption

Pros

Cons

Almost completely through the approval process. Anticipate about $80,000 USD for everything.
Know the international requirements and dual system as best as anyone can. Potential negative birth family, and navigating the waters of balancing a potentially harmful relationship.
Know the players in the system. We are struggling to understand where all the money we are paying is going. I’m questioning if this is about someone somewhere making money not making families.
Understand open adoption. Infant Adoption in the USA appears to be largely the result of income (those who have it and those do not).
Know our local adoption community. We are building friendships and connecting with others who are involved in adoption (i.e. adoptive parents and birth parents).
Nearly 100% guaranteed success.  Or at least as close to 100% guaranteed success as their can be in terms of reproduction.  (Even If a birth mother changes her mind, the agency will continue to work with us to provide another match).
We believe in adoption.
We will be equal genetic parents, meaning that our family will not be genetically connected.

So, given all of this we’ve decided, we will do the following:

  • Continue to pursue adoption. We have spent months investing ourselves in adoption and at the end of the day, we still prefer adoption to surrogacy for a number of reasons. We still want to adopt, so even though it is going to cost us substantially more than we expected, we are still going to do it. We are going to find a way.
  • Adopt using the same agency – We are both really struggling with this, but we really don’t have any other option if we want to pursue open infant adoption out of the USA. The trust is gone, clearly they are in the business of making money not families, but we can and have learned to function within these constraints.
  • Use the remaining savings we have to pay for the initial substantial payments that are right around the corner. We’ve been expecting these anyways, so we know we can do it. That gives us a few more months to figure out the rest. This is scary for us because we have never done this before, we can and will find a way.

So, we will move forward with adoption. One day at a time.

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51 Comments on “What Are We Going To Do?

  1. It sounds like you’re making the best decision for your family. And there’s nothing wrong with that, so don’t let people bully you about it! My two biggest mottos in life are “Everything happens for a reason” and “You have to do what’s best for YOU”. I know some people hate these sayings, but I don’t care…they’re what I’ve found to be truest for me, and the people in my life. You have to do what makes sense for you, your husband, and children. The people who love you will understand and be supportive if they truly love you. I’m happy that you’ve finally come to a decision and found peace with it. Good luck with it in the coming months!

    Like

    • Thank you so much Amy, I always appreciate your supportive comments. 🙂
      I do believe we are making the best decision for us, at this time. So, now I just hope we can get on with the adoption process so we can get closer to our future family.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t even imagine the amount of time and emotion that went into digging deep for clarity on this. Now, I guess you just have to trust that things will work out. You will have less money left over than you had planned, but you will have a baby at the end of this. I know what it really does impact is probably your plans to have more than one. Tough decisions my friend, but I just know that you will find a way through it all.

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  3. I love the list. We did the same when we were contemplating IUI + injections versus IVF. I think adoption is the more guaranteed route even if the costs have jumped. I also think you’ve already invested so much time into learning the system that it will be less stressful than choosing a whole new option and navigating those waters.

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    • I find lists so helpful when we are making hard decisions. It shows us both what the facts are, and then its up to us to place importance on each fact to make a decision. It also helps us know exactly what the other one is thinking.

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  4. That’s a sucker punch to your heart, isn’t it? Early on when I was trying to wrap my head around how to pay for ARTs, I had a panic attack over the potential cost. (I calculated that my insurance would essentially pay for one round of IVF, but that was all.) We did have some savings, but we had been putting it aside for a down payment on a house.

    I remember– as clear as day– asking myself what I wanted more. A house or a family? For me, it was a pretty easy call. A totally crap call I didn’t want to have to make and was totally pissed about, by the way. But it helped clarify what was important to me.

    I’m not saying the financial burdens of this are right or fair. And each person has a limit– financially and emotionally. This situation is totally shit. But to echo what Amy M. says, you have to do what is right for you. And it sounds like you are.

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    • While not the exact same question, we too have been asking ourselves what really matters. What would we rather live with versus live with out. We know our family will include children, so it’s just about figuring out how to make that happen, and figuring out what compromises we have to make to get from here to there.
      The money stuff is hard, so hard!! But, I’m glad you, and I, are both able to do what is best for our families.

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  5. I can’t imagine the internal struggle this has been. I will pray for you and Mr. MPB to have peace with your decision. It was definitely not made lightly so I hope you are able to trust that you’ve made the right one for YOU. Lots of love to you, friend!

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    • Thank you so much! I do feel as though we are comfortable with our decision, and now are just hoping that the rest of the adoption pieces fall into place in the next few weeks/months. I just want to be on the official waiting list already! 🙂
      Thank you so much for your love and support! Love to you as well!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Congrats on coming to a decision! I’m glad you arrived where you did, as I really do feel this is the best route for you, at this particular stage in your life. Who knows how you guys will feel in a few years if/when you are ready to start talking about number two. You could always do something different next time (if you decide you want there to be a next time). But anyway, I’m so happy for you, and I’m so excited about your sweet baby that will be coming to you through adoption. Xo.

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    • Thank you so much! I think you are right, where we are today, adoption is the best path for us. Who knows what we will think in a few years if we try for a second child. And I just keep reminding myself that we don’t have to worry about number 2 yet, right now we just have to focus on the first.

      Like

  7. I’m glad that you went with the right decision for you and your family. I hope that it’s not long and drawn out. And definitely non-traditional family building is a cash cow for those that deal in it it–not just the adoption agencies. How many luxury vehicles have a I paid for over the years for our doctors? It boggles the mind.

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    • Thanks so much Maddie! You are right, any route to a non-traditional family is all about money – it’s beyond frustrating, eh? I too hope it is not too long and drawn out, it would be great to have our child(ren) soon!! 🙂

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  8. Kudos to you for taking the time – and being honest with yourselves about it – to make this list. It really hurts my heart that adoption is an “industry” – it really shouldn’t be this way at all, and there is SO much wrong with people lining their pockets at the expense of adoptive parents. But at the end of it, when you have your baby, all of this work and financial investment will be so worth it.

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    • I love a good list or two. Seeing my logical thinking always helps me distill out the facts and the value I place on each fact. 🙂
      And thank you so much for your supportive encouragement. I believe you are right, one day all of this will be worth it!

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  9. I had no idea it would cost that much to adopt a child. That is ridiculous !! $100 k to bring in a child in your lives and care for it and love when the biological parents can’t or won’t.

    My heart aches for you. Ivf would definitely be a lot less headache. I wish you the best of luck with whatever path you take.

    Like

    • To be fair, it’s 100K because of all the travel involved, the current horrible Canadian exchange rate, and basic fees. We are hoping it will come in a bit lower, but we are trying to be realistic with our budgeting. But, regardless it totally sucks!
      Thank you so much for your love and wishes of luck! I hope both of us find our little ones sooner rather then later. Love to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Love this…very rational thinking and list making! Sound decision making process. Maybe I could private message you – I have a question as to why you aren’t pursuing private adoption within your province? We have been researching too… And curious on your insight

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    • Thank you so much! I’m happy to have the resolve to carry on with adoption even though it’s so hard some days. Now I’m just hoping things continue to move forward without too many more unpleasant surprises.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I love the list, it is so important to weigh all options. And, congratulations! You’ve made a huge decision, although not easy its a big step forward. Continuing to send you positive thoughts as you take the day by day steps towards adoption. Much love to you xx

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  12. OH MY GOODNESS!!! I just made an eerily similar list- crazy!!! I don’t know where you are on the God Factor- but blessing to you on this journey. May the Lord keep you from all false counsel & give you wisdom as you walk forward.

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  13. As much as I believe in adoption I have come to believe that no adoption agency is in the business of making families, it is all about the money. It is super depressing. But you are doing the right thing by writing out all your options and making an informed decision. The road is hard but you guys are going to be great once you reach the finish line.

    Like

    • It sounds like you and I are in agreement. I’m struggling with the fact that that the adoption agencies in the USA seem to be in the business of making money. It’s depressing on so many levels. Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone in this realization.

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  14. I’m going to process this post and read it again because I soooo related to it. Since we’re both Canadian I think there are some things in here that are distinct from the American system (eg surrogacy). And I wonder if you’ve encountered the same thing as me which is super annoying, when friends tell you about their uncles cousins mechanic who adopted a black American kid the day it was born a week ago and the whole process too three months and cost less than 10k.

    Uh no. Factually impossible. Canadians cannot adopt American kids – true story. Intl adoption is 100k as you say (so intl adoptions versus IVF means many of us choose IVF just for the reasons you outlined – cheaper and faster than adoption….)

    ugh. I’m sounding bitter, I know, apologies it’s just that your post voiced how, when you’re in this situation, all the options are complicated and come with strings attached. And frankly, how little people actually know about the systems in place for domestic, intl, fostering kids in care, etc. The people who it blow my mind – not just for their kindness but because I applaud their perseverance.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Argh, horrible commenting from my iPhone. Trying to say – amazing you’re going ahead – as someone who also explored the option I totally get how bizarre , intrusive and chaotic the system is and your bravery to face it is amazing. My rant was some of my left over anger at our own experiences trying to adopt from the us, which I didn’t share on the blog because it was sooooo confusing and we felt like we were being used to line someone’s pockets too.

    I hope that makes more sense than my first comment 😉. Clearly your post really touched a nerve! 😛

    (Also I said I’m Canadian and I’m not, I’m American but I’m a permanent Rez).

    Like

    • I so appreciate your rant – no worries about the iPhone typos – I do the same thing. 🙂
      I get it, I really do. I’m so very bitter about the pure insanity that is the convoluted adoption process. And the cost to adopt are infuriating. It really doesn’t make sense and it’s troubling on so many levels. I am completely convinced that anyone who can actually get through the adoption process must be part superhuman because it’s the most absurd process, and it’s long and painful and I just don’t understand it.
      Thanks for sharing my friend. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in all of these concerns.

      Like

  16. You have clearly really thought this out (not that I would expect any less) and know what’s best for you. Selfishly, I’m happy you’re staying with the adoption route.

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  17. It is good to evaluate your options from time to time to make it is still make sense or best option. This way you reconfirmed your choice.

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  18. I am so relieved that you and Mr. MPB have determined your path and made peace to the extent possible with the cons of adoption. I can’t wait for this all to work out when you two can focus your energy lavishing attention on your coming-soon baby. Sending love, patience and perseverance your way!

    Like

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