A Wanting Heart

I will never give birth to a living child. This is a fact. This is my reality.

And I hate that I will never give birth to a living child.

As many women do, I naively always assumed one day I would.

This of course, was before we experienced multiple consecutive miscarriages and Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.

I don’t allow myself time to dwell in this fact, because I know from a medical perspective that my body is almost never going to sustain a healthy pregnancy, and my heart cannot survive yet another failed attempt. With the support of modern science we’ve taken the steps to prevent another pregnancy, but that my heart still longs for a different ending.

I want to give birth to a living child. I want to have a birth story. I want to be able to be at mommy and baby activities and participate in the conversations with other mother’s. I want to remember my child’s first moment’s in life. Heck, I just want my husband I to be there for my child’s first moments in life. I want my husband to cut the umbilical cord. I want to lie in a hospital bed for 20+ hours trying to push, enduring all the pain and the immense exhaustion. I want to get to yell at the seemingly mean doctors and unhelpful nurses, even though they are probably being super helpful and nice, but I want to be that crazy hormonal women who gets to yell if I want to. I want the stretch marks. I’d even take a C-section without complaint. I want the saggy breasts from months of breast feeding.

I want to know what it’s like to have my body do the one and only thing it’s truly meant to do from a biological perspective. I want to experience all of it.

I want for so many things, and yet I am destined to never experience them.

So, while I acknowledge these emotions I will also set them aside. I cannot rewrite this script, and so I cannot live my life focusing on what I cannot have.

I will not dwell here, as I know better than to live in the past when there is a bright future awaiting me.

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53 Comments on “A Wanting Heart

  1. Everything you want is natural and normal, and to be denied that has got to be hard. I remember worrying that I’d never get to experience those things too, and it would put me in a dark, difficult place. Usually late at night while trying to fall asleep. And then I’d dream about it. Ugh.

    I want to say all the things people said to me – “hang in there, someday, be patient, it will happen.” But those things aren’t applicable and they DO NOT HELP. So I will simply say that I hate this for you, that I hurt for you, and that I am sending you light.

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  2. I don’t know exactly where you are coming from since I do have that small chance of becoming naturally pregnant, but I do understand the longing for the birth story that in all probability, I will not have. A friend of mine that has adopted her 3 children told me that is probably the hardest part, not being able to converse with others at a baby shower or Mommy and Baby class about giving birth.

    I am so sorry that you’re not going to get the birth story that you have always planned for, but I have no doubt that your story will still be amazingly beautiful! Sending you lots of love, Friend!

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    • Thank you so much for your love and understanding. I suspect your friend is right about this being one of the hardest parts about adoption. But you are right, we will have our own amazingly beautiful story, it will just be a bit different. Love to you as well!

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  3. Hi
    I have been following your blog on and off for a while now and had commented a couple of times in the past as well. I have a very similar diagnosis to yours and live in the US. I really understand and get where you are coming from and think you are and should be doing what is best for your circumstance. I am so sorry for your losses and my heart hurts for you when I read some of the posts and the tough choices u are faced with. Just wanted to throw a hypothetical question out there for you. Suppose you discovered your diagnosis after one loss instead of 5 (and I know the cold hard reality is that is not the case and hence there is no real point to this question) would you have made a different choice and tried the treatment options? I say this because I was extremely lucky to get diagnosed after one miscarriage and now with a combination of intralipids, IVIG, lovenox , progestrone, etc (all my out of pocket treatments cost much much less than the costs you have quoted for either adoption or surrogacy. I realize u have to factor the Canadian residency but even with that the costs might not be that high) am currently about 33 weeks pregnant. I know I will not relax and count myself out of the woods till my baby is in my arms healthy but consider myself extremely lucky and thankful to be where I am currently. When I think about why we were willing to take a calculated risk with the treatment options I think it is because although we were devastated and hurt our hearts were probably not as scarred due to multiple losses and hence we could gather the courage to take the chance. albeit with the assurance that our risks were greatly mitigated/managed because of the great doctors that were taking care of me and baby.

    I see across all your recent posts that the fear of another loss weighs far far higher than any other consideration. While it is a very very valid emotion (and belive me I know this and live with it evry day) what if the risks were mitigated (with good doctors and treatments u trust, all of which while hard to get are things that u can search for/actionable/controllable) ? You can never fully eliminate it with any option, even with adoption (there’s a chance birth mother might change her mind) or surrogacy. heck even with a perfectly healthy couple with no medical issues, 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriages unfortunately.

    Again my intention here is to be supportive and just throw another perspective out there in the hope that it helps in your decision making process but I am so very sorry if you found any of my comments inappropriate.
    Best wiShes, N

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    • Thank you so much for continuing to follow my journey and for taking the time to share your experiences again! I am so excited to see another comment from you, and so happy to hear that you are not at 33 weeks!!
      I found your question about what if we found out about our issue after only one loss very thought provoking. Honestly, it’s hard to even imagine how much of a difference that would have had on our choices to move forward. I think I wouldn’t have been nearly as scared of having another loss after just one. I also think we wouldn’t have been nearly as concerned about the health implications on me or our baby to keep trying under the right medical conditions. That said, I cannot overlook the fact that we cannot get the treatment that you have, or we would need, locally. So no matter what it would require me to be traveling out of country every few weeks for treatment, which would be a huge expense that knowing my husband and I we wouldn’t have easily been okay with. Also, having surgery in the USA without coverage in itself isn’t a big deal, it’s the consequences of something going wrong while uninsured that would be a huge deal, and was one of the most important reasons we decided not to pursue treatment. I think the biggest game changer for us would have been the ability to have surgery in our province to deal with the potential endo and help fix the blood flow issues. Of course this is all speculative.
      I also like to hear that your costs have been much more affordable then what we were quoted. I wonder if a large part of that is the conversion to the Canadian dollar? At the current exchange rate we have to add 21% onto everything, and we also have to factor in travel expenses.
      Again, thank you so much for your comment, your thoughts and your support!! Love to you!

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  4. My heart ached so deeply reading this. Everything you long for is so natural, and I think you’re doing yourself a great service but recognizing these feelings and talking about them. My heart goes out to you. Ps – you’re a wonderful writer

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  5. Although I can not understand how you feel, I want all of this too and fear I will never have it. Sending hugs your way.

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  6. I felt the sadness coming through in this post, and I’m so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I know it can’t be made better, but instead of a birth story, you will have an adoption story, one for each child. The moment you first saw them, your first night with them sleeping in your house, the first days in your arms, their first smile exclusively for you, so many firsts that you will treasure, record and celebrate. In the long run, when you look back over a lifetime of raising a child to adulthood, the birth will be just a tiny moment in time and hopefully not something that you will always feel the absense of. xxx

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    • Thank you so much for this Faye. I think you are right, while I will miss a birth story, I will still have so many other stories and moments worth celebrating! And I cannot overlook all the other happy moments we will have as a family.

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  7. Sending you a virtual hug and encouragement as you continue to greive the loss of never being able to carry and deliver a child. I also want you to know I’m here to support you as you move forward with adoption as I know it has already been a struggle and will be a roller coaster all it’s own. But, your future is bright and there is a baby waiting for you at the end. xoxo

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  8. Sending a big ol hug. I couldn’t imagine how hard this is for you. I hate that life is not fair. This idea drives me insane. I just want to reach out to god and ask why? I know this won’t get easier for you. I hope you can come to a conclusion to help you build your family.

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  9. You are not alone. Most of the time, I no longer mind that I won’t have these experiences but the mommies (and daddies do this too!) comparing birth & labor stories is a gut-punch every time.

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    • It is so comforting and encouraging to know that you no longer mind that you wont have these experiences! Thank you so much for sharing. I so hope with time, I will be the same way.

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  10. There is a nugget in here that totally speaks to me. I know that sounds crazy coming from a currently pregnant lady, but there are still things I want so badly it makes my heart ache. Just know it is okay to feel what you do and that you aren’t alone.

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    • Thank you so much for your support! I find it amazing how in almost anything there can be a nugget of wisdom that speaks to those you never think it will. But, I guess we all have our fears and our desires, no matter where we are in life. Love to you!

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  11. Don’t feel bad for wanting that. It’s a natural thing to want, and a natural process to grieve the absence of it. There are strong biological and physiological as well as emotional urges at play here. While your rational brain can put them aside, they are still there, tugging away at your heart.
    You will make an amazing Mom to a very lucky child. But I can understand this heartache now. Thinking of you.

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  12. I still worry about this for myself, though I know we aren’t even close to this position yet. I’m so sorry that you’ve been pushed into this place in life, and that there doesn’t seem to be anything to do to rectify it. It’s not fair, and you feeling these things is completely normal. At least you know you’re not alone. *hugs*

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    • I hate that you know this worry and the fear, it’s just so unfair that we even have to contemplate this fear, yet alone live through it’s reality.
      And thank you so very much for your hugs and your support. I am ever so grateful for you!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. This breaks my heart. I want this all so bad for you, too. No one should ever feel these things. Ever. Deep aches in my heart for yours. Hugs. Lots of them.

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    • Thank you Mrs. Brooks – I so deeply appreciate your love and our support through all of this. It is hard, but it is also my reality so I have to learn to live with it.

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  14. After my loss I wondered if I would ever be able to do the same. And even now I still worry that I don’t want to try again…I’m 50/50 with results and my body was wrecked! I can’t completely understand your grief (and there is no better word for it), but I wanted to offer my support. I hope so much for you that the adoption will be possible and you find that child that is meant for you. And then everything can make sense. You have such a strong desire for motherhood that I truly believe that there is a baby (maybe one who is not here yet) that will be needing you!

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    • Thank you so very much for your understanding and your compassion. I so look forward to the day when we find out meant to be child, and everything makes sense again!

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  15. I understand your longing because at one point that’s all I wanted to the exclusion of everything else life had to offer. And because of this I do not take my pregnancy and birth experience for granted–for what that’s worth.
    There’s one thing you mentioned–breastfeeding–that may actually be an option for you. I’ve read of other adoptive mothers and women who’ve chosen surrogacy inducing lactation, and I think it’s a beautiful thing.
    XOXO

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your understanding MLACS!
      I have read about inducing lactation too. I’ve talked with some local adoptive mothers who have tried, and not one of them recommends it because it didn’t go well for them. So, I’ve decided to just embrace the bottle feeding as a way for Mr. MPB and I to both be involved in the babies basic care. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I’m sending you mountains of love. This is heartbreaking and beautifully written. I hate that anyone has to be denied something that should come naturally.

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    • Thank you so much for your love and support! You are right, it’s unfair that anyone should be denied such a basic natural thing, but since i cannot change it, I’m working really hard to accept it. 🙂

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  17. Friend, my heart aches so terribly for you, but the power in these words and knowing that we must “accept the things we cannot change” makes it light again. You have been through so much pain and just keep on trucking…i wish i had that strength and courage sometimes…sending love and hugs your way…

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I am always touched by your encouragement and your love.
      I so wish none of us had to walk this path and be forced to have the strength and courage to do it. It’s tough, eh? But, thankfully we have each other to support us along the way. Thank you my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

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