Today Has Been Hard

There is no point denying that today has been hard. I think I have felt nearly every emotion possible at some point today. Emotionally I am drained.

I am blessed beyond belief that I have the most amazing clinic where I have quite possibly the best family doctor ever and the most amazing counsellor. I am ever so thankful that our family doctor and our counsellor has been at my/our side through the last few years.

I am blessed that a serendipitous moment occurred today. My counsellor was able to spend some time with me before and after the actual IUD insertion procedure. She even offered to sit through the procedure with me (in the end, I declined).

We chatted. I cried. We laughed. She gave me real psychologist advice about some sort of heart breathing and as the ever skeptic, I laughed again and promised I’d just try to remember to breath. But, anything more than that was unrealistic for me at this time.

She asked about the writing homework she gave me last week, and in fact has given me at least 3 times throughout the last year. Needless to say once again I didn’t do it. This goes perfectly with my trend, as I have been putting it off for months. I know it will be hard, I know I will hurt as it will force me to deal with more emotions. (I’ll try to remember to post more about this homework and my active avoidance of it in a few days).

She wanted to talk about my feelings, and when I was vague she gently pushed a bit harder. I eventually made her read my post from this morning because somehow it was easier to have her read it then to actually repeat the words aloud. Saying the words, just made the tears flow.

We are done.

We will never successfully create a living child together.

We have 5 dead babies in my heart, all I wanted was one living one.

We worked hard to succeed, and here we are admitting failure. I don’t fail. I don’t know how to fail. Yet here I am facing likely the biggest failure of my entire life.

Yes we will adopt, and that’s exciting, but it also means almost every aspect of our family will be more complicated and challenging.

Why can’t we have the happy ending that nearly everyone else in the history of the world seems to get so easily?

Pregnancy will always be associated with death for me.

This just isn’t how it was supposed to go for us.

Heck, now I cannot even type these things without shedding a few tears.

I know in my heart and in my soul that we made the right decision. I know that I cannot knowingly create another life when in all likelihood it will just die or be severely compromised – science has told us this, and we cannot change our circumstances. The idea of trying again and ending up in an abortion clinic again, is just not an option for our child or for me. I know our decision is the right one, but right now, that doesn’t make it any easier.

So this brings me to my question for the universe:

When will it get easy? When it is it my turn to have an easy life? When is it my turn to be naïve?

I asked my counsellor for an exact time and date, knowing full well that there is no answer. But seriously, haven’t I already been through enough? Isn’t it our turn for something in life to be easy? Please universe, it’s not often I ask for much, but right now I could really use some kindness.  Maybe it’s about time that my happiness wish could come true?

I still feel rather crampy and just generally uncomfortable. And I’m tired both physically and emotionally. Mr. MPB is in charge of creating me a photographable happy moment for today and also graciously volunteered to cook supper. So, I am going to snuggle with Sadie, watch a few reruns of friends, and probably a movie or two.  And I will remind myself that today is almost done, and tomorrow offers a fresh day full of hope.

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Also, a quick thank you for every single message of support today – you guys mean the world to me and your positive energy has given me so much motivation and strength to get through today. I have read every single comment and plan to respond to them all tomorrow, for now I am just soaking up your kindness and love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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68 Comments on “Today Has Been Hard

  1. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a difficult day. I don’t know when it will get easier for you (and I’ve asked that question myself many many times) but I hope it does soon. You have been through enough, more than enough, and I will never understand why it is so much more difficult for some people than for others. Enjoy your snuggle time and know you have a lot of love and support out here. Hugs.

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    • I would so love an answer to when it will get easy. I know it doesn’t exist, and I know there are no timelines and no crystal balls available to show us the future, but I could really use an answer as I suspect you could to.
      Thank you so much for your love and support. I am just so incredibly grateful for you. Love to you as well.

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  2. “Tomorrow offers a fresh day full of hope.” This. Yes. Tomorrow will be better for you, I know it. Today was probably going to be pretty crappy no matter how you sliced it. But it’s almost over. You made it.

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  3. Thinking of you after such a hard day. No one should have to endure what you have. I would guess that when it is your happy time- all this hardship will make the joy that much more pronounced and the moments even more special. I hope it comes soon.

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    • What a wonderful perspective. Thank you for sharing the idea that our eventual happy time will be magnified in strength due to all of this. I so hope you are right, and that it comes ASAP! 🙂

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  4. My heart broke a little reading this. I’ve had a bit of a rough day myself (not on the TTC front, just in general) so I feel like I’m failing you in not being able to come up with anything overly uplifting. Just know that I think about you often, and wish only the best for you. Sending you virtual hugs and hoping your heart will heal and smile again soon. ❤

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    • Thank you so much Amy – your love and continued support is so very much appreciated. I am simply grateful to have you in my corner.
      I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day, maybe we should both hold onto the hope that tomorrow is a new day. 🙂

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  5. So brutal. I get it, I so get it. And I’m so sorry that you, my friend, have to feel this. I promise it gets a tiny bit better or easier eventually. I just can’t say when. Sending you all my love! J

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  6. I’m so sorry you’re feeling these feelings. I read your earlier post and really identified with it – we just discussed getting my tubes tied this summer and are both in agreement that it’s time. I feel just fine about it, but Hottie tells me that I won’t once it’s time to walk in and do it. Reading this post, I think he’s right. But – you and I both have very real reasons to ensure we don’t get pregnant again, and that is the comfort I find in our (Hottie’s and my) decision.

    People ask me why it’s me who has to do the permanent change, why it isn’t Hottie offering up to do it since he’s the reason we are infertile and why I went through so many shots and treatments to get our kids. Well, it’s easy – it’s my life that could come to an end if we had a surprise pregnancy that then ended in a bad rupture, not his. I want to be 100% sure that I’m doing everything I can to protect MYSELF (and to protect a possible surprise baby) from a very possible death. Also, tying my tubes (and inserting your IUD) don’t make us sterile – eggs could still be retrieved if we decided to take a chance with IVF with a gestational carrier. If our husbands get snipped, that reversal is difficult and expensive.

    So the burden is on us, my friend. And it’s sad, and it’s hard, and it’s so infuriating that we even need to make decisions like these – but we do. They’re not for the faint of heart – that’s for sure.

    Thinking of you, reflecting with you, and understanding you.

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    • Thank you for sharing this. I think Hottie is right – going in to get the actual procedure was the hardest part of all of this. Nothing about it was easy. Even though we are looking at different procedures, I suspect the emotions will be the same because it all means the same thing – we are done.
      I think you make a wonderful point about this being our burden. Yes, there is the option of a vasectomy, and Mr. MPB offered to get it done, but right now it’s just not the right answer. One day, we may choose to try a surrogate or we may choose to try again, and I’m just not willing to go the route of a vasectomy right now. And, I’ve had the Mirena IUD before, I know how I respond to it and I’m willing to do it, even if the actual event of doing it sucks. And I think at some level I feel like my body is the problem, my body will cause the death of another baby, so this is something I need to do. Like you, I need to know that I did everything I can to prevent another pregnancy.
      I feel like I rambled here, but please know that I really appreciate your perspective. Love to you as you move through your own similar process.

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  7. That is a tough day. Really, you guys are going through a tough season of life–like a harsh winter. But you’ve found the beauty (daily) in this season, and eventually, spring will bloom again. *hugs* XOXO

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    • You are right, it has been one long harsh winter over here!! Hopefully we will get a beautiful and long spring and summer to make up for it. And thank you for reminding me that I do find the beauty in the day – there is always beauty if we just look for it.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. It breaks my heart reading this. I am so sorry for all that you have been through and are going through. I am sorry that today was so difficult. You are loved so much! ❤ I am sending lots of light and love and prayers your way!

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  9. “Pregnancy will always be associated with death for me.” Yikes. Really simple and profoundly true.

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  10. Also, just for shits and giggles: June 17, 2016. Just mark it in your calendar and hold on until then.

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  11. Wishing that your spirit gets renewed with hope as you move past these trying times. It cant be easy to close this door but I pray the new door you’re opening brings answers to your prayers. Big hugs to you.

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  12. I wondered if this might happen… how could it not happen? My heart goes out to you, I’m sorry I did not see this yesterday (I’ve had serious issues with WordPress for weeks now and coupled with my return to the land of the zombie apocalypse (steriod insomnia combined with hormone-induced crazy dreams night after night really sucks), I have become a WordPress deadbeat… all of this to say I am feeling guilty and apologizing for not being more present when you clearly warrant and could use the support and love).

    I cannot begin to convey how much I share your sense of WTF with the Universe and “when will it get easy?” I am on my own path of accepting that *it will never be easy* and like RPL and ending your fertility journey on a personal level, this – like those other losses and eternal paths of grieving – are very, very, very bitter pills to swallow. I do not know why some get an easy walk through life and others suffer so interminably. My mother suffered so much and her mother before her… You think it could skip a generation, right? Makes one question one’s faith if one has a faith (I know you don’t and I don’t know how in the face of that you steadfastly cling to your commitment to “hope” – which I might nudge you to consider a form of faith if you were feeling more grounded but since you’re not I’m just noting my continued admiration for your dedication to hope). Anyway, everything I’ve blathered on about (this is what happens to us steroid zombies, we lose our focus readily and often) here is my way of trying to show my love and support for you in this very difficult and complex time and my faith in your hope for a future that, once filled with a new little person (in an admittedly more complex version of your family than originally hoped for or than that others get to experience), some of the grief and loss may form softer edges and become part of the background to your and Mr. MPB’s lives rather than a blood- and tear-stained enormous picture window through which you must view a world you dreamed of but could not have.

    I am delivering warm hugs and peaceful wishes your way as often as you would like them. I hope you had a big glass of wine with Mr. MPB’s dinner and reruns of friends or that movie or two. If not, have a few when you feel up to it. Or a candy cane martini, if you’re a glutton for punishment and the season is not too far behind us. 😉

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    • I read this earlier today, and now after our discussion, I just feel the need to respond to one particular part – “sense of WTF with the Universe and “when will it get easy?”
      Seriously, right now, more then anything I do hope things get easier for you. I am thinking about you and sending you all the love in the world.
      Oh, and no candy cane martini’s in this household until next December. I’ve moved on to New York favourite – French Martini’s . 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I wish I knew something “better” to say other than I am thinking about you and praying for you. But, I am and I will continue to do so. Lots of love. xoxo

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  14. My heart goes out to you, friend. I wish so much that it didn’t have to be like this for you. I hope today is a better day. Thinking of you.

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  15. I am so sorry. What you are feeling is normal and the fact that you recognize your feelings says that you are strong.

    This is why those outsiders who tell us to “just adopt” don’t get it. It’s not easy. It’s hard work.

    I hope that it gets better for you.

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  16. Oh Sweetie, I’m sending you big hugs right now. I wish I could take away the pain for you…I wish I could give you the ability to be naive again. I totally understand that feeling and long for the days when I was naive to this cruel thing called “infertility”. I hope your Sadie cuddles and some movie watching has helped. And hopefully Mr. MPB makes you something scrumptious for dinner! 🙂 Sending you lots of love!

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    • Thank you so much for our love. You are right, I wish we didn’t have to be strong and I really wish it would just get easier! It seems like it’s our turn already. Love to you as well.

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  17. I admire you for facing situations with strength and humor. Its ao nice that you have a good counselor. The fact that pregnancy is for you associated with death is devestating and my heart goes out to you. I understand a tiny but because I’ve felt the pain of miscarriage, but i know that I can’t imagine what it feels like to go through what you’ve been through. You and Mr MPB are a wonderful, amazing couple and parents, whether or not you could make a baby together.

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  18. I’m so sorry I missed this post yesterday. But I’m thinking of you and my heart goes out to you for all you’ve endured. I wish I could tell you when things will get easier, because I know they will, and I know there is light ahead – mostly because of your bravery, perseverance, and ability to see the light through the dark. Sending a big hug and much love to you. xo

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  20. I am so, so sorry that the day was so hard. It sounded so hard. I shed a few tears reading your post and your thoughts here, myself. That sense of finality and of being failed is awful. I am feeling like a failure, but I have to try to turn it around to “I was failed.” Because for all the medical technology out there, it is so hard to accept that it can’t fix everything. I hope that you can find peace. The mourning just never seems to stop. (I send some of my posts to my therapist, too, because it helps me not have to repeat myself and gives a window into that moment in time. No homework though, so far.) I hope every day gets better, and the joys that come with adoption will outweigh the challenges. Love to you, friend.

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