Today Has Been Hard
There is no point denying that today has been hard. I think I have felt nearly every emotion possible at some point today. Emotionally I am drained.
I am blessed beyond belief that I have the most amazing clinic where I have quite possibly the best family doctor ever and the most amazing counsellor. I am ever so thankful that our family doctor and our counsellor has been at my/our side through the last few years.
I am blessed that a serendipitous moment occurred today. My counsellor was able to spend some time with me before and after the actual IUD insertion procedure. She even offered to sit through the procedure with me (in the end, I declined).
We chatted. I cried. We laughed. She gave me real psychologist advice about some sort of heart breathing and as the ever skeptic, I laughed again and promised I’d just try to remember to breath. But, anything more than that was unrealistic for me at this time.
She asked about the writing homework she gave me last week, and in fact has given me at least 3 times throughout the last year. Needless to say once again I didn’t do it. This goes perfectly with my trend, as I have been putting it off for months. I know it will be hard, I know I will hurt as it will force me to deal with more emotions. (I’ll try to remember to post more about this homework and my active avoidance of it in a few days).
She wanted to talk about my feelings, and when I was vague she gently pushed a bit harder. I eventually made her read my post from this morning because somehow it was easier to have her read it then to actually repeat the words aloud. Saying the words, just made the tears flow.
We are done.
We will never successfully create a living child together.
We have 5 dead babies in my heart, all I wanted was one living one.
We worked hard to succeed, and here we are admitting failure. I don’t fail. I don’t know how to fail. Yet here I am facing likely the biggest failure of my entire life.
Yes we will adopt, and that’s exciting, but it also means almost every aspect of our family will be more complicated and challenging.
Why can’t we have the happy ending that nearly everyone else in the history of the world seems to get so easily?
Pregnancy will always be associated with death for me.
This just isn’t how it was supposed to go for us.
Heck, now I cannot even type these things without shedding a few tears.
I know in my heart and in my soul that we made the right decision. I know that I cannot knowingly create another life when in all likelihood it will just die or be severely compromised – science has told us this, and we cannot change our circumstances. The idea of trying again and ending up in an abortion clinic again, is just not an option for our child or for me. I know our decision is the right one, but right now, that doesn’t make it any easier.
So this brings me to my question for the universe:
When will it get easy? When it is it my turn to have an easy life? When is it my turn to be naïve?
I asked my counsellor for an exact time and date, knowing full well that there is no answer. But seriously, haven’t I already been through enough? Isn’t it our turn for something in life to be easy? Please universe, it’s not often I ask for much, but right now I could really use some kindness. Maybe it’s about time that my happiness wish could come true?
I still feel rather crampy and just generally uncomfortable. And I’m tired both physically and emotionally. Mr. MPB is in charge of creating me a photographable happy moment for today and also graciously volunteered to cook supper. So, I am going to snuggle with Sadie, watch a few reruns of friends, and probably a movie or two. And I will remind myself that today is almost done, and tomorrow offers a fresh day full of hope.
Also, a quick thank you for every single message of support today – you guys mean the world to me and your positive energy has given me so much motivation and strength to get through today. I have read every single comment and plan to respond to them all tomorrow, for now I am just soaking up your kindness and love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
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