Imagine That

Sometimes I’m convinced that the world is conspiring against me and my reproductive organs. Imagine, yet again, my body will not cooperate and do what it should do. I’m shocked (insert sarcasm here).

I know, cry me a river, right? It’s the ongoing saga of our lives. I don’t mean to complain, I know it could be worse, but some days it’s just annoying.

I saw my amazing family doctor earlier this week. I adore him. I am pretty darn adamant that I would not have survived the last few years of my life without him, and his entire team including my counsellor.

I saw him because I’m still have some issues with the IUD I had put in back in January and my thyroid has been playing havoc with me for the last few months.

My thyroid has been playing games the last few months. First my TSH went from 4.5mIU/L to 2.2mIU/L with crazy side effects including anxiety and insomnia. Then with another dose change it jumped to 9.0mIU/L in the span of a few months. My thyroid has never done this before – I’ve always been in the 3’s, even through multiple miscarriages. I had yet another dose change and a blood test recently and wanted to follow up. It turns out with my new dose I am back in the perfect range! Now, hopefully my thyroid goes back to being something I do not worry about at all.

As for my Mirena IUD, it usually takes a few months to settle in and for your body to adjust to it. It’s now been 5 months and my period is not what it was last time I was on it. Last time I was on it I spotted lightly for a few days a month and that was it (I was never one of the lucky ones whose period stops entirely). This time, I’m spotting/bleeding for 10-14 days at a time. Clearly not ideal, but it can be common in the first few months. Yet, I hit my limit and wanted to discuss things with my doctor.

So, discuss we did.

There is a good chance my wonky thyroid was playing havoc with my bleeding. He hopes that now that my thyroid is back to normal, my cycle will smarten up.

BUT (yes, there is a but. Actually there are two of them).

First, he wants me to have an ultrasound done to confirm the location of the IUD. If it’s slightly out of position it could be causing the irregular bleeding. So, off to get an ultrasound. So, now I’m completely anxious and worked up about the idea of having another ultrasound. Honestly, having had 5 losses and countless exploratory tests, I’ve had probably 50+ ultrasounds. Of that, I’ve only ever had 1 good ultrasound with one healthy little baby, and even that one died a few short weeks later. The last ultrasound I had was with Dr. Braverman in NYC, and we were told about my reverse blood flow which ultimately resulted in our decision to stop trying (hence the IUD).

I put on my brave face talking to my family doctor because I know I need the actual ultrasound and I know it makes sense. But, all of this other stuff, my history, means that I’m petrified of going back in for another ultrasound. Petrified might just be an understatement! I plan to book with an ultrasound clinic that I have not been to before, even if it means driving for 3 hours to get there. I know the rooms will all generally look the same, but at least I won’t have to walk back into a building where I was told my baby is dying – I would like to avoid reliving as much of this as possible. I might even drag Mr. MPB to hold my hand – how lame is that? But, I just don’t know how well I will handle having another ultrasound, I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Oh, the poor tech who thinks she is just doing another routine ultrasound…instead she’s going to get a crying crazy lady with massive baggage.

But of course, the conversation didn’t end here. We also had to discuss our birth control options if my body doesn’t start to adjust better because I’m not willing to bleed slowly for a few weeks a month – just not going to happen. And secondly, we need the best birth control available our chances of getting pregnant are very good, in-fact they are excellent. The plan is to prevent that at all costs. Needless to say we started talking tubal ligation and vasectomies. Yup, that is our next best option. Yet, I’m not ready to go there. Mr. MPB is more willing to, in fact he has suggested it on more than one occasion. But, I am not ready. As I said to my doctor, what if we do want to try again in a few years? Adoption is bloody expensive, I’m not sure we can afford to do this more than once and we’ve always dreamed of having to children. I know realistically the chances of that are low, but what if? Heck, what if I die and Mr. MPB falls in love with someone else and they want to try having children (I know, morbid thinking), I cannot take that away from him. Needless to say, my doctor didn’t push the issue, he understood what I was saying (honestly, he’s such an amazing doctor).

So the plan right now is to get the ultrasound, and assuming it’s positioned correctly we will wait a few more months and see what my body does now that my thyroid is back to normal. If I get lucky, my body will cooperate with science. If I don’t get lucky, we will look at other options.

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49 Comments on “Imagine That

  1. I’m sorry you’re having these difficulties and they are so triggering for you. I would totally take Mr. MPB with you for the scan and ask your doctor to modify the requisition to include that your spouse is to be present during the actual procedure. I’m sure he would do that for you. He sounds awesome.

    As for permanent measures – please please please don’t. Not right now. Not yet. I have a really really strong guy feeling you two should not do this right now. I hate the BCP but you could do that or a long lasting injection instead of iud of the mirena does not work out. In the meantime, huge hugs. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself on the ultrasound front and totally get the anxiety. Those things caused me PTSD I am sure.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ugh…what a horrible position to be in! I really hope that with your thyroid back in check, everything else will settle down for you. I don’t blame you for not wanting to take more drastic non-baby measures at this time. You’re both still young, you don’t want to seal your fate permanently at this point in life…because as you said, you just never know. I hope you find somewhere different for your ultrasound and things go well. I’ll be thinking about you!! *hugs*

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    • I kind think that the ultrasound will show that the IUD is fine and now that my thyroid is back on track the spotting will sort itself out over the next month or two. At least that’s what I’m hoping for. But no matter what we will not change to a permanent birth control yet, as you say we are just too young to seal our fate.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree, I don’t think you’re crazy at all for wanting Mr. MPB there for the ultrasound. I will never go for one alone!! And I have found it helpful to tell the ultrasound tech before she/he starts that you have emotions around it. I remember telling mine, “At the last ultrasound I had I was told my baby was dying and I needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately. I’m going to jump to worse case scenarios so please, if possible, reassure me when you can!” I’ve done this every time since and think it has saved me a lot of anxiety.

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    • Thank you so much for your understanding. I’m thinking I’ll either tell the ultrasound tech everything, or I’ll say nothing at all. I’m not sure which is best, i just know it will probably be a decision i make in the moment, depending on how I’m feeling. Thank you so much for sharing your tips!

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  4. Ah the PTSD of pregnancy loss. I feel you there. I may sound demanding but I ask my husband to join me at all our prenatal appointments because I’m so scared of the what ifs. He’s only missed one so far (and I may have cried the night before knowing he wasn’t joining me). I agree with your feeling to hold off on the more permanent birth control solutions. I do hope that the doctor can figure out a better option for you.

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    • Thanks my friend. I tend to think RPL isn’t worthy of the PTSD language, but then in moments like this I realize how there are many similar characteristics and maybe in some ways PTSD of pregnancy loss is a valid thing.
      As always, thank you so much for your thoughts, compassion, love and hope. I am beyond grateful.

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  5. The feelings you are having are perfectly normal for someone who has been through everything you have. But…it’s unfair that you’ve had these experiences that have caused you to feel this way. I’m so sorry that, even though you are happily moving forward with adoption, you are still feeling the side effects of your losses. I’m glad that you have Mr. MPB by your side and that he is so supportive. I know that makes all the difference in the world. Sending positive thoughts for good results your way.

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    • Thank you so much Wifey. I think you are right, these emotions are normal given our history, yet completely unfair. And thank you for reminding how fortunate I am to have Mr. MPB, I am beyond grateful that I have him walking through all of this with me. You are right, it makes all the difference in the world.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so sorry and I do understand how frustrating doctor’s appointments can get. Without a doubt, my husband would have to hold my hand through an ultrasound too. You are so not alone on that one. Squeeze tightly and then do something nice for yourself when you leave the doctor’s office. Xo

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    • I love your idea of doing something nice afterwards. I have no idea what I will do, but I am going to make it my mission to find something enjoyable to do right after, even if it’s just hitting up the DQ drive through on my way home. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I will be thinking of you! Hugs.

    And permanent pregnancy prevention is such a hard thing. My husband is younger than me, and I worry he will want more children once he’s a little older. It would probably be too late to have them with me, but I just don’t want him to limit his options. An intense chain of events would have to occur for that to happen, but I just can’t encourage him eliminating that option from his life.

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    • Thank you so much my friend. It’s beyond weird for me to think about Mr. MPB’s future involving children without me. As you say, it would take an intense chain of events for that to happen, and I don’t even want to think about the possibility. But honestly, I just cannot take that possibility away from him. So, for now, there will be no permanent birth control solutions. Maybe one day, but definitely not now.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m right there with you. The thought of an ultrasound for any reason puts a pit of anxiety in my stomach.

    I still have not confronted the birth control topic. I just can’t do it. I’m not there yet. You’re so strong for taking the steps you have taken.

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    • Thank you so much for commiserating with me – ultrasounds are just beyond scary for me at this point.
      Honestly, I’m not sure if getting the IUD was the result of strength or just me being purely petrified of another loss. Either way, it would be nice if my body could settle in with the birth control better!

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  9. After all you have been through, it is no wonder that you’re terrified of another ultrasound. I don’t think taking Mr. MPB there to hold your hand is a bad idea at all! The support might make the difference between you crying on the table or not, right? Take him! And when you lay on that table, know that you have the love and support of so many of your friends/blog readers.

    Oh, and I totally “get” not wanting to make any permanent decisions about your reproductive organs. You’ll know if/when you’re ready for that. No need to rush it.

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    • Thank you so much Lindsay. I am love your perspective, and so appreciate you taking the time to validate my feelings about not wanting a permanent birth control, at least not yet.
      Here’s to hoping there is no crying on the table, or at least that the ultrasound tech is somewhat supportive if I do end up in tears.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I’m sorry for what you are going through. I wish you didn’t have to have another ultrasound but it sounds like are doing everything possible to minimize trauma. Hugs.

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  11. No shame in taking Mr MPB with you and nurses won’t even blink an eye!

    Also when you do go, don’t look at the screen just look at Mr MPB to avoid any flash backs.

    For your IUD I had similar problems, I had tried various birth control methods. But the IUD was worth the wait after continual spotting for several months I was going to quit it. Id already experienced continual bleeding on the depo provera for almost 6 months- Id had enough! But then suddenly the bleeding stopped and I had 4 years without a period and little pain. Now that was amazing. I even forgot how to use a tampon when I had the IUD out eventually! I had an ultrasound to find my IUD when they couldn’t find it to take it out…you should be in and out in minutes!

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    • Thank you so much for all your encouraging thoughts and advice! I suspect they wont even turn the screen on for me to see since it’s just an IUD, and I’ll be sure to ask them to turn it off if it’s on. Great idea!
      Thanks for sharing about your IUD experience. I really do hope my body starts to agree with this IUD soon! I had one before we started trying and I just had really light spotting for a few days every cycle. I don’t remember it taking this long for my body to cooperate with the first one, but maybe it did? I wasn’t paying attention to my body way back then, so I just have no idea. Anyways, i really hope that I go back to a few days of super light spotting, or ideally no spotting at all.

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  12. I also had a huge problem with ultrasounds..it never went away. I was always waiting for the bad news. I don’t know if this will help, but I used visuals of my front door to help..the door opens (in real time)..I leave and go to limbo..the next time I open it (in real time) it’s over and I’ll be back to my sanctuary. And writing this, I realise I had a mantra…’I can’t change what’s going to happen, only the way I deal with it’. It was a way to hold onto control in an uncontrollable situation. Good luck luv. xxxxxxxx

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  13. I’m so sorry. And you are not the least bit lame to want Mr. MPB along to hold your hand! You have not had good experiences with ultrasounds and it makes perfect sense that you’d be anxious about this one. I hope that it goes smoothly and you get the best news possible. Sending big hugs your way!!!

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  14. That’s crap, I’m sorry. I’m not surprised the idea is terrifying you- I’m sure it would most people in your situation. I hope nothings moved and everything ends up okay. If you need someone with you, take them.

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  15. I’m sorry that you have to revisit contraception again. It’s probably your least favourite thing to deal with I’m sure. It’s totally understandable that having an ultrasound scares the bejesus out of you- the associations must be strong (they certainly are for me too- I always get so nervous and automatically assume bad news). Do what you need to do to make the circumstances as different as possible. I hope it’s as “easy” a fix as repositioning the IUD. The last thing you guys need is to have a surgery related to your fertility. Hasn’t life dealt you enough crap in this respect? I mean, honestly! I think your approach of taking things step by step is good. Have those tough life-altering conversations when they’re necessary. For now, I hope the bleeding stops, and that the session with the dildo wand isn’t as traumatic as you expect. Hugs!

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    • Yes, it totally scares the bejesus out of me (good word by the way). I think for anyone who has gone through multiple losses, my reaction and fears are probably perfectly normal.
      Oh, man, I really hope a dildo wand is not involved! That will just be the “icing on the cake” as they say.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I hope a dildo wand isn’t involved too, though, prepare yourself for it, as they sometimes need it to visualize reproductive structures better… But if it’s your uterus, maybe not.

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      • I’m so thankful you started said this to me, as the dildo wand made an appearance at the ultrasound today. Thankfully because of you, I wasn’t nearly as surprised as I would have been otherwise.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Im sorry to hear you are battling these physical ailments. I hope things get in order soon. I totally know what you mean about the fear of having an ultrasound now, even though you have had so many before. And as far as having it done at the same place, I was petrified to go back to my clinic as well, to that same room they told me my baby was no longer alive in. I survived going back, but it was really hard. Im glad u know whats best for u in this regard.

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  17. I’m so sorry about your ultrasound anxiety — it’s completely understandable, and it’s wonderful that you have such a kind and empathetic doctor to work with. That three-hour drive with a hand to hold are worth it, if that’s what it takes to get you through it.

    I also really feel your frustration on the birth control issue. I’ve been starting to think similar thoughts now that we know that my tubes are so damaged — even if I managed to get pregnant without ART, it would be dangerous. And this is complicated by my clotting disorder, which means I can’t do any hormonal birth control. So, we’re looking for something super-reliable and non-hormonal — there aren’t a lot of options! But I get it, tubal ligation just feels so final, and like you’re giving up hope. I think you’ll know when you’re ready to go that route, and if it’s not now, then that’s fine. You’re fine with it, your doctor’s fine with it, and at least for now Mr. MPB is fine with it. Listen to your instincts — they’re good ones!

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    • First thanks for understanding and getting it. I am always grateful for your words and wisdom!
      Second, I hate that you too are contemplating birth control options. It seems to cruel that we have to look into all of this stuff, when all we want is a child. It seems so backwards and unfair. I also hear you about how challenging it is to find the right birth control. My migraines mean that I’m not allowed on anything estrogen based, so my I have very limited options – the shot (depo), the IUD I currently have and 1 non-estrogen based birth control pill (oh, and abstinence, but that’s clearly not about to happen). Not ideal considering depo is has horrible high risk side effects and I hate the idea of having to take a pill everyday. Needless to say, I am really hoping this IUD settles in and my body starts working with it better, because it’s really our best non-permanent birth control option. Anyways, I do hope that we both figure out our own best path forward.

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  18. Sending you positive energy! I hope you get good news and just follow your gut with these decisions once you figure out what you want.

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  19. Oh hugs! I hate ultrasounds so very much. Even before our losses (2 of them were at 10 weeks and I found out via ultrasound that it was over) I had bad experiences with ultrasounds. My senior year in college I had a large ovarian cyst on my ovary and had to have it surgically removed followed by a diagnosis of endometriosis. I had to go back into the doctor last year because I suspected another cyst (thankfully it wasn’t) and I had a severe mental breakdown in the office before I went into the ultrasound. I absolutely think it’s a good idea to go to a different office! I can’t recommend that enough, seriously. It will still be hard, but at least it will be different. I’ll be thinking about you and hoping they are able to solve the bleeding issue. XOXO

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    • Thanks for sharing Amber. I am so sad that you understand my fears so well, and hate that you’ve gone through so much! I booked my appointment and know for sure now that it’s at a different clinic, so at least I have one less thing to obsessively worry about in the lead up to the actual ultrasound.

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  20. It’s going to be very, very hard to have an “innocent” ultrasound after everything that you’ve been through. I think a different office is a good idea. I’m sorry you’re having such a nightmare with the birth control – there’s no easy option is there? It’s really tough. Your thyroid was jumping about all over the place too. Our bodies are so damn complex – there’s just so much that can go wrong (and frequently it does). They require far more maintenance than normal living allows us, I think.

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