I Survived

I called to book an ultrasound to check the placement of my IUD after my post on Tuesday.  I decided I just needed to suck it up and go, regardless of how much I despise ultrasounds.

They told me it would be almost 8 weeks before I could get in! I calmly lost it on the booking agent…ops.

First I tried stating that 8 weeks is not an option for us. But she wouldn’t budge. So I pushed the issue, and forced her to listen to why it mattered so much that I have the ultrasound now. I ended up telling her that we’ve had 5 miscarriages and it is critical that we know that IUD is placed currently as my body cannot go through another pregnancy and subsequent loss. Needless to say she miraculously found me a cancellation appointment les then 48 hours later.

I almost felt guilty, as it I was using our history to get my way. But I got over that twinge of guilt pretty quickly – I needed that ultrasound for my peace of mind. And, I need it now, not in 8 weeks. I’ve learned to advocate for myself and I believe I did just that.

By pure coincidence, I ended up getting my wish and my appointment was at a clinic that I have not been to before. In fact, I actually have to go to a different city for the ultrasound! Perfect in many ways, except one. Mr. MPB could not join me. There was simply no way he could be there. I decided to put my big girl panties on and suck it up because rescheduling really wasn’t an option.

The drive was long enough that I grabbed a bottle of water to drink on the way.

Of course, I should have remembered that I can never drink and hold all the water they require. Needless to say I was rather uncomfortable!

As for the actual scan. I was unsure about if I should tell the tech our history or if I should just sit quietly and get it over it. In the end I decided to say nothing at all. But of course, the tech asked:

Have you had any surgeries? Two D&C’s.

How many times have you been pregnant? Five.

How many live births have you had? Zero.

The zero hung in the air. The tension could have been cut with a knife. Nothing more was said.

Lucky me, today’s ultrasound also included an internal ultrasound, something I had been hoping to avoid. I just assumed once I left the RPL world my dates with the dildo cam would end – I was wrong. I almost laughed when she gave me instructions and asked if I was fin with having an internal ultrasound. Being a smart ass, I couldn’t help but myself and responded with As I said, I’ve had 5 miscarriages. I’ve had this more times in the last few years than most women will ever have in their entire life. I’m like an old pro at this – I’ll be fine. Needless to say, she left me alone after that.

The ultrasound took 45 minutes! I won’t get the results for a few days, probably Monday, but I kind of think something is wrong, simply because I cannot understand why it took 45 minutes. With my last IUD when I had it checked I was in and out in 5 minutes. Ironically enough as I laid there thinking, knowing the tech wouldn’t answer any questions, I decided that so long as I’m not pregnant I’m not worried. The worst outcome in my mind wasn’t an out of place IUD which would require surgery. It wasn’t a cyst. It wasn’t any other possible, but highly unlikely finding like an out of place growth. The worst possible outcome for me, right now, is the idea of being pregnant. And with that realization, it became real to me – I’m done and I’m okay with being done.

On my long drive home surprisingly no tears were shed. I had time to think, and I think I did.

I realized that while the ultrasound wasn’t my idea of a fun moment, I did get through it. I’m sure at some point in my life I will have another ultrasound, and now at least I won’t be so afraid of it. It’s like I’ve pulled the Band-Aid off. I’ve faced that fear. I’ve overcome that hurdle. So, I feel like next time will be that much easier.

More importantly I also realized that no matter what, I will always have the memories of hearing that our baby is dying. I will always have the memories of hearing fetal heart rates that were just too low. I will always remember seeing a dying heartbeat flicking on the screen. I will always have the memories of being told our baby is dead. These memories are always going to be with me. And rather than cower and hide from these emotions, I need to find a way to remember the good stuff too, so the moments of darkness aren’t quite as bleak.

In the end, I survived. I survived the ultrasound. And more importantly I’ve survived the loss of our little babies. In fact, we’ve survived. We’ve weathered this storm fairly well and will come out stronger in many ways, and more resilient.

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78 Comments on “I Survived

  1. You never cease to amaze me. Not only in how you take the hardships head-on and come out a stronger, wiser soul, but in how you process it and share it all through the written word.

    I’m glad you got through it. Maybe the long drive was good – gave you time to think, REALLY think – without distraction.

    I really hate how the techs can’t say anything about what they’re seeing. It is a horrible torture to put women through that. Waiting DAYS for your report?! That just doesn’t sit well with me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awe, thanks Lindsay! You are so kind and sweet.
      I think you are right, the long drive home did give me time to think and process everything. And in many ways I needed that time.
      Also, my doctor got the report this morning! No more waiting for me. All is good. They figure the spotting is linked to my thyroid. I’m supposed to wait a few more cycles now that my thyroid is normal and see what happens. Hopefully my body starts doing what it should and all will be fine.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you got through everything okay. I’m glad you were able to get in before 8 weeks, and I don’t think you did anything wrong in doing it! I hope nothing is wrong, though. Maybe she was just new and wasn’t good at it yet? Hopefully, if anything, it has just shifted and just needs to be fixed. Crossing my fingers for not horrible news on Monday!

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  3. I’m so glad you got through it – and that you insisted you could’t wait eight weeks! Who would want that hanging over their head?! It sounds like it was an important event – that it taught you something about who you are and where you are. I hope you get the results back soon and that they aren’t bad news of any kind. Well done on getting through that appointment – it can’t have been an easy thing to do X.

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    • You are so right, 8 weeks of that hanging over my head would have driven me crazy! Thankfully, it’s over and done with and i even got my results back this morning and everything is fine. So, really, I’m just glad it’s over with.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Oh that is great news! The sonographer must have just done a really, really thorough exam!

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      • Thank you Faye! When she spent 5 minutes on my rib cage I was pretty confused! But now I don’t really care, I’m just happy that it’s positioned correctly and my insides look good. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Well done for getting through this, it must of been tough. You are obviously a very strong woman. Proud of of you for kicking butt to get that appointment moved too! Sending hugs.

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  5. Good for you for advocating. Nothing wrong with pulling some strings because of your history.
    And well done for getting through it. Sending you much love xxxxx

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  6. Way to go! I dread ultrasounds too. And I know exactly what you mean about that dreaded “zero” that hangs in the air. It is like it takes all of the air of the room. “Yup, I’ve been pregnant plenty of time, still no live babies.” And then we have to endure the looks we get in response- those of sorrow and sadness. Of course the nurse, tech, whoever just wants us to feel better, but damn…don’t linger on this, I don’t want to cry. Ugh, I get uncomfortable just thinking about that “zero.”

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    • Thanks! You know, it’s so true about the lingering “zero” – that number just bounces around in my mind and it’s so often all I can do to not cry and just feel sorry for myself. Thankfully, the moment passed and I held it together.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Wow. Just wow. You are so brave! I love what you said to the ultrasound tech. I can’t believe she didn’t say, “I am sorry,” to fill the awkward air that hung after you telling her you’ve had zero live births. And yet I can believe it…because I have been in these moments too. Also, to say You Are Done…those are big words and so definite. I am received for your clarity. I am thankful for your strength. I am so sad and am so sorry for all of the pain. I could say that 100 times and still mean every syllable. You are growing leaps and bounds, my friend! Simply amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for this. You know what, I didn’t even think about it until you pointed it out, it is surprising that she didn’t even say I’m sorry. It would have at least broke the tension and my internal thought process. Oh well, I guess some people just don’t know what to say. Also she was freakishly cheerful and bubbly, so she might just not have known how to bring herself out of her headspace. 🙂
      Also, you are right, those worse, are big. It’s like the thought of going through another loss was just too much. So, if nothing else, at least my experiences and thought process this week brought me to this place. It’s nice to know and have that definitive feeling. Thank you.
      Also, I got my results from the u/s this morning. All is good. They figure the spotting is just related to my out of whack thyroid. So hopefully in a cycle or two things will settle down.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. The how many pregnancies, how many live births question always gets to me even with only one loss. You did survive and you were strong. Be proud of yourself today. Xo

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  9. I am so proud of you and happy for you. Way to advocate for yourself with the scheduler, and way to get through it even though you had to go by yourself (which I know was non-optimal). It sounds like you got a pretty profound revelation out of the experience as well — knowing that you’re done is a really big deal, and I hope it makes you feel even better about going through the adoption process. I hope everything is OK and that the 45-min scan doesn’t wind up having consequences. You’ve been through quite enough, thanks!

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    • Thank you so much my friend. You know, I did have a pretty profound drive home. Seeing how fearful I was of the possibility of getting pregnant again really made me realize that I’m done with that – truly done. That chapter is closed.
      Also, I just got a call from my a nurse at my clinic. The ultrasound results are fine, so they think my thyroid was probably the cause. I’ll wait a few more cycles and see what happens, but everything should just settle down now that my thyroid is within the normal range.

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  10. I proud of you for sticking up for yourself and getting an earlier appointment. You’re right, you did NOT need to wait 8 weeks. I’m also proud of you for getting through it on your own, I know that wasn’t easy. I’m sorry you have to wait all weekend for the results. I hope everying is okay.

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    • As always, thank you! It’s funny, I know an IUD placement isn’t considered urgent in our medical system, yet in my mind the fear of another miscarriage made it very urgent. I’m glad i got my appointment quickly, and I’m also happy to report that I just got a call from my clinic and the ultrasound results are all fine! So, I’ll wait a few more cycles and see if things balance out now that my thyroid is normal. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I use sarcasm as a defense mechanism too. I’m glad you got through it, and I hope the results come back soon so you don’t have to wait a long time. I’m sorry this whole ordeal has brought up so much past pain, but in a way, I think it’s helped you to see how far you’ve come since your losses. Your angels are loved and never forgotten, but I’m sure that they want you to seek a happy and fulfilling life.

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    • I’m the queen of sarcasm, awkward jokes and dark humor! It drives Mr. MPB crazy sometimes, but he’s pretty used to me by now. 🙂
      Also, thank you so much for your understanding and compassion.
      I just got my results from yesterday and everything is fine. One less thing to worry about.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I’m so glad you were able to advocate for yourself and get through this experience. You set a wonderful example for the rest of us. I don’t think I would have argued with the appointment lady–I would have just accepted the appointment in 8 weeks and complained bitterly about it when I hung up the phone! I hope you get your answers from the ultrasound quickly!

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  13. I’m glad you’re okay and it’s over. Dont feel bad for advocating for yourself, she won’t work harder to find that appt unless you do! Good luck with the results.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! You are right, unless we push for better care and treatment no one else will – the hard lessons of anyone who has gone through RPL/IF!
      Also, I got the results, all if good. They think the issues with spotting are related to my thyroid. So not that my thyroid is back to normal, the spotting should lesson. I’ll wait a few cycles and see what happens. 🙂

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      • Yay that the results are normal! That’s great. It’s true, we trust the medical field but then learn the hard way that it sometimes hurts us. Good luck with everything now!

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  14. You are one of the strongest people I “know”. I’m glad you got through it. You are awesome. X

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    • Thank you so very much Nara. I’m never so sure if it’s strength or rather just determination to keep moving forward. Either way, whatever the right word, I know I will keep pushing through all of this.

      Liked by 1 person

      • It’s both! Strength is knowing when to carry on and when to change direction. X

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  15. Dang it, girl! You were NOT “using your history to get your way”! You were providing her with relevant, important, necessary information to ensure that you received important and necessary care!

    Also, what Jo said… 🙂

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    • Thanks Belladonna Took, I really appreciate this. I’m often clouded with feelings of guilt so I really take comfort in your reinforcement that I did what was necessary.

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      • I was just going to click “like”, but I really, really want to “reinforce”. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. You’re an amazing person, and you’re going to be a wonderful mom. I can’t think of anyone less likely to “use” your past heartache to manipulate someone. In this case, it was absolutely necessary – for your health and emotional well-being. You go, girl!

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  16. We all have to put on our big girl panties some days! Way to go! Sending positive thoughts that everything is just fine. And, don’t feel guilty for pushing the system to get that cancellation appointment. You have been through lots… The system owes you a few. 🙂

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    • Thank you so much! This morning I got the results earlier then expect – all is fine. My doctor thinks its just the result of my thyroid going a bit crazy. So I’m gong to wait a few cycles now that my thyroid is normal and see what happens. Hopefully my body cooperates. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  17. First of all, Way to advocate for yourself! Proud of you, Girl!!! I am glad it was in a different clinic and that you were able to get through it. Especially since you weren’t able to have Mr. MPB’s in person support. You are a survivor. You have survived more than anyone should have to in a lifetime and you’ve done it all with amazing strength and grace.

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  18. You have to be one of the strongest women I know. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and heartache you have gone thru, and yet, you are able to try to see the positives thru it all. You are an inspiration of strength and courage to me… I look forward to your adoption progress and reading about the happy ending you both so deserve 💗

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    • Wow, thank you so much for your kind words. I think I look for the positives because I just cannot live life in a dark hole, I need to know that no-matter how bad today is, tomorrow might be better. Somehow, this knowledge makes the horrible stuff just a bit more bearable.

      Liked by 1 person

  19. you don’t ever have to feel guilty about using your RPL history to get what you need. I hate answering that ‘how many pregnancies’ and ‘how many live births’ questions too, especially when you get a tech who doesn’t have the best poker face. I totally have the same reaction whenever an ultrasound tech or doctor asks me if I’d be fine with the more invasive ultrasound, and I’m always a smart ass about it too, so I kind of giggled when I saw that line. Much love to you.

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    • Some how being a smart ass just makes me feel a bit better about it (wow, that makes me sound horrible). But honestly, I figure at some point if they are going to ask a stupid question they deserve to at least hear a bit of sarcasm from me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  20. You are a rock star! Congrats on making it through. I saw above that you said everything is ok. Thank G for that! The last thing you need is for something to be wrong. Why on earth that tec took 45 minutes is a mystery! So bizarre!

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  21. ❤ So glad you survived the US. And what in the world was she doing for 45min? That just seems crazy! I liked your response too, I'm glad you said that and she left you alone. Beautiful ending to this post.

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  22. First and foremost you should not feel guilty that you asked the US to be moved up as soon as possible for the 8 week time slot. Part of holistic care includes your mental well-being and not simply the physical aspect of the US itself. It would be tragic if you were pregnant with the IUD along with your previous miscarriage history not simply due to physical reasons but also for the sake of your mental health.

    Perhaps the 45 mins was due to a very, very thorough examination so that the tech could be sure that she got many pictures from many angles and made sure nothing else, like a pregnancy, was looking inside — that’s my only thought on that. Unless of course, this tech is inexperienced and she takes longer than a more experienced tech … I’m going to have to with “thoroughness of exam” though.

    Sometimes you really have to put yourself in a person’s face about your needs because they don’t snap to what you need for a variety of reasons. Just like the tech didn’t say, “I’m sorry” in regard to your miscarriage history. I can tell you that even when I had only 10-12 years of nursing under my belt it wasn’t until I had some losses of my very own that I was able to speak this phrase as second nature saying it with sincerity. Perhaps this tech has not really experienced loss so she didn’t know what to say, moved on, and keep up trying to distract you and that uncomfortable feeling that hung in the air with her bubbly personality. I don’t really know … who knows what really goes on in the minds of others?

    Thankfully you got this exam out of the way early so that it didn’t have to weigh heavily on both your head and heart for too long. Thankfully, even though the tech wasn’t able to empathize with you, she was no where near being as @sshat like that radiologist of the past! And even more importantly, thankfully the US results look good and you can resume your life physically and mentally again.

    Hugs ❤
    Etc. 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you so much for this! I kinda think it was a thorough exam because of my history maybe? It’s the first non-pregnancy / non-miscarriage ultrasound I’ve had. Maybe that in itself is a reason to check everything out. That said, she did look like she was about 20 years old, so maybe she wasn’t experienced and understandably didn’t know how to respond to my history of loss.
      All that said, I really don’t care now. The IUD is in the right place and nothing else is wrong. So, I’m happy! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  23. “…I’ve survived the loss of our little babies. In fact, we’ve survived.”

    Survival.

    Sometimes daily.
    Sometimes hourly.

    But we do it.
    We do ❤

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