They told me it would be almost 8 weeks before I could get in! I calmly lost it on the booking agent…ops.
First I tried stating that 8 weeks is not an option for us. But she wouldn’t budge. So I pushed the issue, and forced her to listen to why it mattered so much that I have the ultrasound now. I ended up telling her that we’ve had 5 miscarriages and it is critical that we know that IUD is placed currently as my body cannot go through another pregnancy and subsequent loss. Needless to say she miraculously found me a cancellation appointment les then 48 hours later.
I almost felt guilty, as it I was using our history to get my way. But I got over that twinge of guilt pretty quickly – I needed that ultrasound for my peace of mind. And, I need it now, not in 8 weeks. I’ve learned to advocate for myself and I believe I did just that.
By pure coincidence, I ended up getting my wish and my appointment was at a clinic that I have not been to before. In fact, I actually have to go to a different city for the ultrasound! Perfect in many ways, except one. Mr. MPB could not join me. There was simply no way he could be there. I decided to put my big girl panties on and suck it up because rescheduling really wasn’t an option.
The drive was long enough that I grabbed a bottle of water to drink on the way.
Of course, I should have remembered that I can never drink and hold all the water they require. Needless to say I was rather uncomfortable!
As for the actual scan. I was unsure about if I should tell the tech our history or if I should just sit quietly and get it over it. In the end I decided to say nothing at all. But of course, the tech asked:
Have you had any surgeries? Two D&C’s.
How many times have you been pregnant? Five.
How many live births have you had? Zero.
The zero hung in the air. The tension could have been cut with a knife. Nothing more was said.
Lucky me, today’s ultrasound also included an internal ultrasound, something I had been hoping to avoid. I just assumed once I left the RPL world my dates with the dildo cam would end – I was wrong. I almost laughed when she gave me instructions and asked if I was fin with having an internal ultrasound. Being a smart ass, I couldn’t help but myself and responded with As I said, I’ve had 5 miscarriages. I’ve had this more times in the last few years than most women will ever have in their entire life. I’m like an old pro at this – I’ll be fine. Needless to say, she left me alone after that.
The ultrasound took 45 minutes! I won’t get the results for a few days, probably Monday, but I kind of think something is wrong, simply because I cannot understand why it took 45 minutes. With my last IUD when I had it checked I was in and out in 5 minutes. Ironically enough as I laid there thinking, knowing the tech wouldn’t answer any questions, I decided that so long as I’m not pregnant I’m not worried. The worst outcome in my mind wasn’t an out of place IUD which would require surgery. It wasn’t a cyst. It wasn’t any other possible, but highly unlikely finding like an out of place growth. The worst possible outcome for me, right now, is the idea of being pregnant. And with that realization, it became real to me – I’m done and I’m okay with being done.
On my long drive home surprisingly no tears were shed. I had time to think, and I think I did.
I realized that while the ultrasound wasn’t my idea of a fun moment, I did get through it. I’m sure at some point in my life I will have another ultrasound, and now at least I won’t be so afraid of it. It’s like I’ve pulled the Band-Aid off. I’ve faced that fear. I’ve overcome that hurdle. So, I feel like next time will be that much easier.
More importantly I also realized that no matter what, I will always have the memories of hearing that our baby is dying. I will always have the memories of hearing fetal heart rates that were just too low. I will always remember seeing a dying heartbeat flicking on the screen. I will always have the memories of being told our baby is dead. These memories are always going to be with me. And rather than cower and hide from these emotions, I need to find a way to remember the good stuff too, so the moments of darkness aren’t quite as bleak.
In the end, I survived. I survived the ultrasound. And more importantly I’ve survived the loss of our little babies. In fact, we’ve survived. We’ve weathered this storm fairly well and will come out stronger in many ways, and more resilient.
If you like this post, please feel free to share and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.