Today I am a Better Person Because I Have Survived Loosing 5 Babies
After writing about 10 adoption positives, I decided to keep going with my search for positivity. So, today, I am thinking critically about things that have left a positive impact on my life and my soul as a result of expecting Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and having 5 consecutive miscarriages.
I will readily admit that this list has been hard to write. When I think about watching and waiting for our little babies die, waiting for my body to reject and pass them, going through surgery and medical procedures, I am usually left feeling pretty devastated by all of it. But, upon deep reflection it is nice to know that some good has come from all of our losses and struggles.
First, I truly understand that life is not fair. When my mom and sister died, I had a small lesson in this. But, then my own 5 babies died, and I learned that nothing about life is fair. But, I think anyone who has lost a child, and anyone who has terminated for medical reasons, has an entirely different perspective of the cruelty of life. No mother or father should ever lose her child, and they most certainly should never have to choose to terminate the life of their child. Life is cruel, I now understand that in an entirely new way, but the amazing thing is that learning this lesson has not killed me! Today, I stand here, and I am proud to wear my survivor badge of honour.
Second, my marriage with Mr. MPB is stronger today then I could ever have imagined. Through every single loss and every single decision we have made the decision to get through this together. We have made the decision to be there for each other. We have made the decision to learn how to express our differing opinions in respectful ways. Our love for each other is just as strong, if not stronger today than it was before. This will undoubtedly serve us and our future children well.
Third, I am proud of the fact that today, no matter what happens next in our lives, I know I am a mother. And I know that I get to wear that title with honor even if others around me do not acknowledge it. And I would re-live every single second of each pregnancy if it meant I could hold onto each one of them for just a tiny second longer.
Fourth, I am learning to put myself first. This is still clearly still a work in progress, but I am actively working on doing it more often. And with this, I am learning to lower my expectations of others.
Fifth, I’ve lost some friends on this journey, but I’ve also started to make some amazing blogging friends and some pretty awesome in-real-life friends too. I am thankful that over the last few years, and even more so in the last month or two, I have started to learn the real meaning of friendship and the importance of nourishing on the relationships that really matter.
Sixth, this experience has forced me to learn more about human nature and society’s response to miscarriage. With every day I write, and every day I share our story, I am becoming an advocate for sharing our infertility struggles to reduce the secrecy and shame associated with infertility, miscarriage and baby loss. Further to just speaking about our losses to raise the cover of secrecy and shame, by sharing our story I am able to help those around me who have gone through losses. I never intended to become an expert in baby loss, but I am thankful I am able to share what we have been through and help others.
Lastly, a part of me really believes that if I can survive losing my mom and sister years ago, and now survive losing 5 babies that I can survive almost anything that life throw’s at me. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t want to keep experiencing significant loss in my life. But, I believe that I will be able to learn to survive under most circumstances. In fact I know I will survive anything and will make it!
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