Will People Ever Understand?!
We have decided that we will not be traveling to meet the new baby in our family when it is born.
First, we aren’t ready to meet the baby. We know this about ourselves, and we are wise enough to protect our hearts right now.
Second, we simply cannot justify the cost to visit them, when flights and most possibly a hotel will be required. (They may offer to let us stay at their house, but in all likelihood we wouldn’t be able to for our own mental health).
This news has been taken very poorly by Mr. MPB’s parents. In fact, they were down right rude and mean to us for making this decision – how can we not visit? It’s our niece/nephew. We want the family together. You have to come. The guilt trip was laid on us. And it was laid on thick.
They parents / soon to be grandparents don’t know the back story of hurt, nor do we intend to make it a larger family issue as it’s none of their business and the focus should be on the baby right now, not us.
But they do know that we expect this adoption to cost in the rage of $80,000 USD. They have not offered us a penny of help. They have not even asked how we are paying for it. Rather, they have told us at least you don’t have to buy any baby stuff because you don’t know when it will happen – yes, that’s the benefit of this situation….oh, and so close to accurate too….
Simply, regardless of the past hurt, we don’t have the spare cash right now to afford the trip. Every single one of our pennies need to go towards the cost of our adoption. In fact, they wouldn’t let up on us for not visiting, so we actually had to spell this out to them. We even had to state that their guilt trip was unacceptable – we are doing what we feel we have to do for our family, just like they did for theirs. No, it’s not perfect, but it is what it is. And yes, one day we will meet their baby, but for now, we simply cannot justify the expense. And so we feel that their guilt trip is unacceptable and really just mean.
Of course, the parents tried to back peddle once we said this. Yet, I don’t believe there was an apology offered, not that we’d ever expect one.
But honestly, my point right now is that I’m just fed up with people and their complete lack of common sense.
Not to many people I know, actually about 98% of people I know cannot afford this type of adoption. And for us to do it we are stretching ourselves so thin, and most definitely out of our comfort zone. We are giving up things left right and center. We are working harder and longer hours then we ever have just to make more cash.
When we first started the adoption process we refused to tell people in our real-lives how much it would cost us because we want to be in control of telling our child these types of details (apparently most adopted children will at some point ask how much they cost and we don’t want anyone but us answering that question). We’ve since realized we need to be honest about the cost (both emotional and financial) so that people understand just how hard adoption is. We cannot expect people to magically know what we are putting ourselves through if we don’t tell them. And so, we’ve made no secrete of the costs.
And yet, people still don’t for a second seem to think about us in any situation. As per normal, we feel like people just expect that we can afford to travel across the country or at least just expect that we will do it anyhow. People just expect us to put ourselves second and everyone else first. Honestly, it’s getting really tiring.
Oh, and don’t even get me started about how people have completely forgotten about our experience to get to adoption. As if adoption has cured our RPL. No, adoption does not take away from the fact that we have had five dead babies. Nope, adoption doesn’t just magically erase fact that my body has failed us. That is simply part of our life long reality. And so, the idea of visiting an infant is something we are simply not ready to do. And we know ourselves well enough to know that we cannot go there, not now. We simply need to protect our hearts.
Regardless of my little rant today, I know we will meet our niece/nephew one day. And I know that we will always love the child, just as we do any child.
But, our child comes first.
And I will never apologize to anyone for that.
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.