What A Difference A Year Can Make
Today marks one year since our last loss. And, it is also one year since what should be our last loss ever.
It was only a chemical pregnancy. Which for us, a chemical pregnancy became the definition of an easy loss. We had enough of miscarriages to know what to consider easy – physically, the loss of a chemical pregnancy is just a slightly worse period. By number 5, I was doing everything I could to not become emotionally invested, and with such a “short” pregnancy, the hurt just isn’t as deep. There just isn’t as much time to build up hope for a better outcome. Honestly, with this one I think Mr. MPB and I both knew it would end just as quickly as it started as the positive test line was so faint compared to all of our other tests from our previous pregnancies. There was still disappointed and emotional hurt, but for us, it just didn’t compare to the hurt of losing our babies at 8 week, 10 weeks or 14 weeks.
Honestly, some days I wonder if chemical pregnancies even count because for us, they were just so much easier in so many ways.
Yet, this loss, one year ago today, was as game changer for us. Looking back I believe I knew in my heart that I was done trying the old fashioned way. After our fourth loss we no-longer trusted our reproductive endocrinologist to give us the best medical care possible. And with loss number 5, I knew that my body couldn’t keep going through the cycle of pregnant and then not. I know emotionally I could not continue to function in the world of loss, where the depths of despair or deeper than anything I had ever known. Where hope was my only guiding philosophy, and on my darkest days I could no longer see her guiding hand.
One year ago today, in so many ways our lives changed.
It was with this loss that we were more motivated to seek more diagnostic testing and treatment options, even if we had to pay out of pocket. We both knew we simply couldn’t keep living this way. We simply couldn’t keep blindly trying without some sort of knowledge, good or bad.
Truthfully, some days I still think about trying one more time because what if that one try is the one that works and we actually get a healthy child? Some days I actually think to myself and say aloud to Mr. MPB that it’s worth trying because at least it’s free, and the adoption costs feel so massive and overwhelming right now. My logic is that at least in Canada the medical costs associated with a miscarriage are covered by our health care system and don’t cost us anything. But then, each time I start down this line of thinking Mr. MPB simply responds pragmatically with the mental health costs simply are not worth another try.
So today, one year later, I am sad for what we have lost. I am sad for the lives that we created but never got to meet. I am sad that my body could not do the one thing it is biologically meant to do. I am sad that we had to endure years filled with so much loss and grief. I am sad that we lost people we thought were friends along the way.
I am also excited for our future again! I am really enjoying living right now, just the two of us – something I never thought I’d be able to say while we were actively going through our losses. I feel like we’ve found our groove again. Right now, things just seem to be ticking along for the most part, and we both seem to be laughing and smiling again without forcing/faking it. I feel more like myself right now then I have in a few years.
Most importantly, I am filled with hope again. I have hope that we will have a healthy child to spend our lives with. I am filled with hope that we will have the family we’ve always dreamed of. I am filled with hope that no-matter what, we can and will weather the storms we face together.
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