What A Difference A Year Can Make

Today marks one year since our last loss. And, it is also one year since what should be our last loss ever.

It was only a chemical pregnancy. Which for us, a chemical pregnancy became the definition of an easy loss. We had enough of miscarriages to know what to consider easy – physically, the loss of a chemical pregnancy is just a slightly worse period. By number 5, I was doing everything I could to not become emotionally invested, and with such a “short” pregnancy, the hurt just isn’t as deep. There just isn’t as much time to build up hope for a better outcome. Honestly, with this one I think Mr. MPB and I both knew it would end just as quickly as it started as the positive test line was so faint compared to all of our other tests from our previous pregnancies. There was still disappointed and emotional hurt, but for us, it just didn’t compare to the hurt of losing our babies at 8 week, 10 weeks or 14 weeks.

Honestly, some days I wonder if chemical pregnancies even count because for us, they were just so much easier in so many ways.

Yet, this loss, one year ago today, was as game changer for us. Looking back I believe I knew in my heart that I was done trying the old fashioned way. After our fourth loss we no-longer trusted our reproductive endocrinologist to give us the best medical care possible. And with loss number 5, I knew that my body couldn’t keep going through the cycle of pregnant and then not. I know emotionally I could not continue to function in the world of loss, where the depths of despair or deeper than anything I had ever known. Where hope was my only guiding philosophy, and on my darkest days I could no longer see her guiding hand.

One year ago today, in so many ways our lives changed.

It was with this loss that we were more motivated to seek more diagnostic testing and treatment options, even if we had to pay out of pocket. We both knew we simply couldn’t keep living this way. We simply couldn’t keep blindly trying without some sort of knowledge, good or bad.

It turns out our diagnosis was rather simple, yet too complicated for us to overcome within our local medical system which did not support the treatment plan. So alas, number 5 was our last.

Truthfully, some days I still think about trying one more time because what if that one try is the one that works and we actually get a healthy child? Some days I actually think to myself and say aloud to Mr. MPB that it’s worth trying because at least it’s free, and the adoption costs feel so massive and overwhelming right now. My logic is that at least in Canada the medical costs associated with a miscarriage are covered by our health care system and don’t cost us anything. But then, each time I start down this line of thinking Mr. MPB simply responds pragmatically with the mental health costs simply are not worth another try.

So today, one year later, I am sad for what we have lost. I am sad for the lives that we created but never got to meet. I am sad that my body could not do the one thing it is biologically meant to do. I am sad that we had to endure years filled with so much loss and grief. I am sad that we lost people we thought were friends along the way.

20141016 - 100HappyDays_Day96I am also excited for our future again! I am really enjoying living right now, just the two of us – something I never thought I’d be able to say while we were actively going through our losses. I feel like we’ve found our groove again. Right now, things just seem to be ticking along for the most part, and we both seem to be laughing and smiling again without forcing/faking it. I feel more like myself right now then I have in a few years.

Most importantly, I am filled with hope again. I have hope that we will have a healthy child to spend our lives with. I am filled with hope that we will have the family we’ve always dreamed of. I am filled with hope that no-matter what, we can and will weather the storms we face together.

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44 Comments on “What A Difference A Year Can Make

  1. You continue to amaze me with your strength. Two things that stuck out to me….”do chemical pregnancies even count?” I think to anyone who has gone through them the answer is yes absolutely! Unfortunately, I think the answer is different in the medical community. I have heard that a local RE says unless the pregnancy shows up on the ultrasound it doesn’t count. If only it didn’t count “emotionally” too.

    And I can totally relate to the secondary losses you describe. In addition to the major loss of our babies the secondary losses of friends, etc hurt too.

    Thinking of you today!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Mrs. Whitworth. Your words, your support, your love, I am beyond thankful and grateful.
      I think you are very wise with your observation about chemical pregnancies. The women/couples going through do count them, and most medical professionals do not. That said, I did like Dr. Braverman’s perspective on them. To paraphrase – they do count, and when combined with multiple miscarriage they are an indicator that something isn’t right. His perception really helped legitimized my feelings.
      Sending you love my friend!

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  2. The resiliency some people (you!) demonstrate never fails to put me in absolute awe. You’ve come so far, and have lived through so much, and you’re here sharing your story, with hope in your heart. Your child(ren) are so lucky to have someone who is so strong, thoughtful and kind-hearted as their mama.

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  3. Your husband is so right about about the mental health. Sometimes we do have to put ourselves first. Mental health is a real struggle and it’s scary. I can only imagine the emotional struggles you both went through, but you are so strong. I am so happy to hear you have found happiness again, and I’m excited to read your posts on adoption! My fingers are crossed for you that you don’t have long to wait.

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    • I know he is right on this one, but somehow I’m just not ready to say no to never trying again only because of the actual cost of adoption. Really, who knows what will happen, it will be at least a few years away so I’m not going to worry too much about it right now.
      Thanks for your encouragement and your hope that we don’t have a long wait! I really hope the wait isn’t too long too. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am sorry about everything!! But I am also filled with hope for you. I know you are destined to be a earth mom and it is going to happen soon!!
    Your baby will heal you in ways you never thought possible and believe me when I say when you meet your baby the 1st time, the pain of the past just fades away instantly. You never forget, but you truly move on!!

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    • I do hope you are right, that when we meet and hold our little baby that the years of hurt will start to fade away! I know I will always remember, but I am excited for the day that it all feels like more of a distant memory. 🙂

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  5. I’m so glad that you’re feeling more like yourself and happy and hopeful as you go through the adoption process. It’s really wonderful to read! And I think Mr. MPB is right that you should be factoring the mental health cost of more losses into your decision-making about continuing to try again “naturally.” (I’m starting to dislike that word — it implies that IUI, IVF, and other assisted reproduction techniques are unnatural, and by extension that any children born from them are unnatural, which I’m getting increasingly uncomfortable with as we start to move in that direction. But maybe I just suddenly feel that way since the “what next?” conversation with our RE is happening in about two hours!)

    I’m so glad to hear you’re feeling hope again. If someone who’s been through as much as you’ve been through can get there, it gives me hope for the rest of us! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am so happy that you guys have found your groove and genuine smiles and laughter again. I can’t imagine the strength that it has taken to get through all you have been through to where you are now. You have been an inspiration to me since I found your blog!

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    • Thank you so much! You are honestly too kind, and just made my day. You and Wifey both said the nicest things today and I am beyond touched that you find inspiration in our journey. Love to you my friend, I am thankful we are walking our adoption paths together, you too provide me with inspiration as you share your journey! 🙂

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  7. I can sense your hope through all of your posts. While we cannot forget the past, it’s nice to be able to pack it away a bit so that we start to move forward. I think that we’ve both come such a long way this past year. It seemed impossible at the time, but that deep dark hole looks more shallow every day.

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    • Wise words my friend! And so very true! If you asked me a year ago where we’d be today I would not have ever dreamed that we’d be where we are. And yet, here we are, both of us, and we have so much to be excited and hopeful for! It really is about finding our way through the maze, even if we don’t always know where the end is.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so happy that at this one-year mark, even though the pain of the past will never go away, you have so much excitement and joy for the future. Your story gives me hope for my own.

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  9. I am glad that you are looking forward to the future. Any type of miscarriage is a loss and you should not forget those children. At the same time I am glad that you have the strength to reach out and love your future adopted child. Best wishes. xoxoxox

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    • Thank you for your kind words! I find I’m feeling so much better now that I am focusing on our future again, and not just living day to day in the midst of losses.

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  10. I love this post. You absolutely cannot underestimate the impact of losses on a relationship, so the fact that you’re feeling good, positive and happy again together is fantastic. I really hope that you continue to have more good news and will be following your adoption journey all the way 🙂 Lots of love xx

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  11. You are so inspirational. I am so happy you have found your hope again. ❤

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  12. We just talked about something similar last night regarding after adoption. Will we still try after 6 miscarriages and all the painful things & thoughts that come along with it?Can my body REALLY handle any more but not so much my body what about my mind. So I completely understand and know that positive change you fill now. At first the thought of our adoption was scarey because we didn’t know what to think yet or how we would feel but truthfully its amazing & it will be even more amazing when we have our children. I will be praying you for you : )

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    • So much of what you say here is the exact same way we processed everything. At some point, the hurt of trying just isn’t worth it anymore. I’m hoping we both have our babies to hold and snuggle soon!! 🙂

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      • I couldn’t agree more 🙂 I am trying to be patient but……it’s harder said than done.

        Liked by 1 person

  13. It is always amazing what a difference a year can make! I am so happy that today, a year later, you are doing so well. Excited to see what the next year holds for you!

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    • Thank you so much Caroline! If you asked me a year ago what our future would look like, I’m pretty sure I would never have painted this picture. But you know what, I’m glad. Right now things just feel right and I cannot help but smile and hope for more great days ahead. I do hope in a years time you get to look back and think about how great IVF #2 ended as you hold your babe in your arms. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Anniversaries are hard, and I’m glad you’re through this one with an optimistic spirit. From here on out, I suspect, it will just keep getting better.

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    • I suspect you are right that from here on out it will just keep getting better. I think being in a healthier and happier place again (i.e. not having miscarriages constantly) just allows us to be in a better place. So, I think the more time that goes by, the more the wounds will heal and the easier it will be. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Beautiful, as always. I agree with Mr.MPB about the mental cost of it all. It’s so hard to put yourself through that. I’m so happy that you’re so excited about life again though. Congrats on finding your groove again 🙂

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    • Honestly, hope is just such an important emotion for me. I hold onto it so strongly that I’ve even been told in the past that hope is like my version of religion. I simply need to be able to think that tomorrow will be better, as long as I can see that I know I can get through almost anything.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Friend, over the past few weeks, your posts have been so awesome to read. Even though you experienced all those painful moments, its so obvious that you are both so ready to start this new chapter of your lives. How lucky that you and Mr. MPB have found each other and supported each other through everything. A year truly can make the world of difference, especially when it comes to healing. I’m filled with so much hope and faith and love for you both. Thinking of all of your little angels today…

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    • Awe, thanks so much! You are right, we are moving through the pain and really embracing the hope that comes along with adoption. We are ready for this, now we just need the world to cooperate and make it happen sooner rather then later. 🙂

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  17. Pingback: On Being Positive | My Perfect Breakdown

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