It’s Done

I think I knew from the start. That faint line was my first hint. Based, on our last 4 pregnancies, it should have been darker. It just should have been darker.

So, I tempted fate, and took another test. This time no-line at all.

And, then there was some blood.  Not much, but in our experience, any amount of blood is not good.

I talked to a wonderful nurse at our fertility clinic yesterday and based on everything that was occurring, they agree, it is unlikely that this is a viable pregnancy.

Just got the beta results, and yes, I tested negative.  So, its confirmed, baby #5 never even made it to through week 4 or to the point of fetal heart rate.  My body will process the loss like a bad period.  (I cannot help but wonder, does this even count as a pregnancy, and another loss?  Does it count if fertilization occurred, but implantation didn’t work out properly? Does this even count as #5?)

Either way, whatever you call it, it’s done.

I know this might sound crazy to some, but for me, this is actually the second best outcome (first obviously being a healthy baby in 9 months’ time). For us, having this end almost as quickly as it started, means that there is no watching and waiting for the fetal heart rate to vanish; there is virtually no attachment; there is no waiting for death; and, there is no painful miscarriage. I can deal with this.  In the scheme of our lives, this is easy.

So, really, in my world, this is nearly as perfect as it can be. Yes, this is a sad reminder of just how hard and frightening Recurrent Pregnancy Loss is, but I am focusing on my positives. I can honestly say, I am elated that this one will not be as physically or emotionally traumatic as what we are accustomed to. And at least for the moment, I am at peace with this.

So, today, I will continue trying to live a healthy lifestyle. I will continue focusing on being stress free; eating fresh and healthy foods whenever possible; and, being prepared for the next pregnancy which will hopefully at least implant properly. I will also enjoy our friend’s wedding on the weekend with a glass or two of wine without any second thoughts.  And for that matter, I will live how I want to.  I will eat Sushi, medium rare stake, and eggs sunny side up.  I will also drink mojitos, wine and chai tea lattes (although, hopefully not all on the same night).  I will live my life and not focus on the off chance of contracting listeria or e-coli, just in case I’m pregnant.  Or at least I will do my best.

And lastly, thanks to each and every one of you for your words of encouragement of support over the last few days. I wish I had better news to report, and hopefully next time I will. But, this is the recurrent pregnancy loss rollercoaster ride, and we will continue on.  The outcome is beyond our control and ultimately it will be what it will be.

47 Comments on “It’s Done

  1. Ugh, just ugh. I’m sorry. But I do agree this was this 2nd best possible outcome. The longer it goes on, the worse it is. Not that this is any picnic either. This is a good reminder for me to trust my gut when something doesn’t feel right (like your faint line). By the time you’ve gone through several miscarriages, you know when somethings not right. I mean sure there is always that story of the girl who thought she miscarried but then it ended up being healthy twins that went to full term. I hate those damn stories, because that will never be me. Sorry again friend.

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    • Thank you.

      It totally sucks that we have enough experience to know to trust our gut. My husband doesn’t always get this “gut” reaction.

      I too hate these stories! The worst stories for me are the “I didn’t even know I was pregnant until 5 months”. Are you kidding me?! I am busy trying all sorts of voodoo magic type things trying to get to 5 months and you didn’t even know and didn’t even take vitamins. How is this freaking possible?

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  2. Oh girl I am so sorry! You are such an inspiration as you keep going and keep living. Hugs to you! Xoox

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  3. I’m so sorry. 😦 I think whether or not you count this as PG #5 is up to you, but don’t feel as though others can determine that for you. If you don’t feel like it counts, then it doesn’t have to. But if you feel it counts, then it counts. Chemical pregnancies are still considered pregnancies by the name alone. What I hate is when non-IF/RPLers come in and say “Well at least it wasn’t a real baby yet” or something stupid along those lines. You still had that glimmer of hope. It still represents what could have been. You still saw those two lines. If it counts to you, it counts. End of story.

    I wish you a quick appearance of AF so you can put this cycle behind you and look to the future. Stay strong, hun. ❤

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    • Thank you. I have to agree, I cannot stand “well at least it wasn’t a real baby yet”. With how quickly this happened, we hadn’t said anything to anyone yet, so at least I don’t have to deal with those comments this time round.

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  4. It does count. They all count. Some are definitely easier to move past then others, but they count. Sending you positive thoughts.

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  5. I’m so sorry hon. This just breaks my heart. I was really hoping this one would be different for you. It’s also a little close to home for me. Your pregnancy # 5 was exactly like my pregnancy #5. It ended within days as well. I know what you mean. It’s not that it wasn’t a pregnancy because that test was positive. Implantation had to have at least started in order for enough hcg to show up in your urine, and it’s certainly no less of a loss than a miscarriage that occurs after the 4th week. But for me, I think I was just so relieved it didn’t drag out like all my other miscarriages and didn’t require surgery or medication to make it end, that I didn’t feel quite the same after it was done like I have with my previous losses. I started bleeding the same day the test turned negative and bled for about 8 days and then it was done. My next cycle was pretty messed up, but then the following one was back on track and I found out I was pregnant with this most recent pregnancy. I will never understand why things have played out the way they have, and I’m still so scared this pregnancy will end too, but it really does feel differently this time. Praying AF comes soon so you can move forward and praying for happier news to come. Big hug hon.

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    • I hate that you understand so much of what we are going through – I hate that anyone has to go through this over and over again! But, I am thankful for your kind words, for your willingness to share.
      And, it makes me feel a little less cold to know that you to were relieved it didn’t drag out! Its such a weird feeling to be thankful for it to be done, but I really am.
      Anyways, thank you again.

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      • I hate that any of us has to go through this over and over again too. And you are not cold! Not at all! I completely felt the same way! Sending you a huge virtual hug!

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  6. My heart is breaking for you. Keep your chin up and (I know it must be hard) but keep thinking positive thoughts…and enjoy a few glasses of wine this weekend, guilt free!

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  7. I am so sorry that you are going through this again, it isn’t fair. Your attitude is admirable though. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way ❤

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  8. I have been thinking of you since you posted this. I am so, so sorry, lady. But you are so amazing in your strength. I hope that your body is able to recoop from the loss as quickly as possible. And it absolutely counts. The dream of each and every little one counts. Hugs, love.

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    • Thank you so very much. I suspect reading these stories of loss must be particularly hard for your right now – you really don’t need any reminder of all the things that can go wrong. So, while I appreciate your kind words, I am just hoping you and that baby are doing well 🙂

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  9. Ugh, I am so sorry. I just went through my third miscarriage, what my specialist called a biochemical pregnancy. It still felt like a big fat loss though, even though she said, “You basically just had your period 2 weeks late, it’s not really a miscarriage.” Have they ever been able to figure out what’s happening?
    Sending bloghugs your way and good vibes for a sticky one!

    Like

    • Thanks for the good vibes!

      Thankfully my doctor hasn’t responded that way! I’d probably have lost it on him.

      They have absolutely no idea what is going on with us, its simply called unexplained recurrent pregnancy loss. They’ve done about a million tests on us, and we test perfectly healthy. 100% healthy. We are told we have a 50% success rate with any future pregnancy. But, we also know that we are at the point now where current technology is unable to provide an answer and we just have to accept that. Maybe one day, but in all likelihood by the time they figure it out we will be well out of our reproductive years.

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  10. Oh, and yes, so much sushi. Because it’s the little things. That’s what I always eat after a miscarriage. My way of saying “Suck it, uterus!”

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    • Exactly! I love sushi, so I always over indulge.

      After a miscarriage, I also always take my prenatal vitamins with wine (although, tonight it was with a beer). Its actually rather gross, but it makes me feel like a super bad-ass. 🙂

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