I think I knew from the start. That faint line was my first hint. Based, on our last 4 pregnancies, it should have been darker. It just should have been darker.
So, I tempted fate, and took another test. This time no-line at all.
And, then there was some blood. Not much, but in our experience, any amount of blood is not good.
I talked to a wonderful nurse at our fertility clinic yesterday and based on everything that was occurring, they agree, it is unlikely that this is a viable pregnancy.
Just got the beta results, and yes, I tested negative. So, its confirmed, baby #5 never even made it to through week 4 or to the point of fetal heart rate. My body will process the loss like a bad period. (I cannot help but wonder, does this even count as a pregnancy, and another loss? Does it count if fertilization occurred, but implantation didn’t work out properly? Does this even count as #5?)
Either way, whatever you call it, it’s done.
I know this might sound crazy to some, but for me, this is actually the second best outcome (first obviously being a healthy baby in 9 months’ time). For us, having this end almost as quickly as it started, means that there is no watching and waiting for the fetal heart rate to vanish; there is virtually no attachment; there is no waiting for death; and, there is no painful miscarriage. I can deal with this. In the scheme of our lives, this is easy.
So, really, in my world, this is nearly as perfect as it can be. Yes, this is a sad reminder of just how hard and frightening Recurrent Pregnancy Loss is, but I am focusing on my positives. I can honestly say, I am elated that this one will not be as physically or emotionally traumatic as what we are accustomed to. And at least for the moment, I am at peace with this.
So, today, I will continue trying to live a healthy lifestyle. I will continue focusing on being stress free; eating fresh and healthy foods whenever possible; and, being prepared for the next pregnancy which will hopefully at least implant properly. I will also enjoy our friend’s wedding on the weekend with a glass or two of wine without any second thoughts. And for that matter, I will live how I want to. I will eat Sushi, medium rare stake, and eggs sunny side up. I will also drink mojitos, wine and chai tea lattes (although, hopefully not all on the same night). I will live my life and not focus on the off chance of contracting listeria or e-coli, just in case I’m pregnant. Or at least I will do my best.
And lastly, thanks to each and every one of you for your words of encouragement of support over the last few days. I wish I had better news to report, and hopefully next time I will. But, this is the recurrent pregnancy loss rollercoaster ride, and we will continue on. The outcome is beyond our control and ultimately it will be what it will be.