The Difference Between 5 & 6

The seemingly correct answer, as we were taught as children is 1.

6 – 5 = 1

However, this mathematical logic makes absolutely no sense in my circumstance.

For me, 5 is how many babies I’ve lost to miscarriages. Yes, that’s right, 5 consecutive miscarriages.

5 represents my dead babies.

5 represents sadness, and some of the darkest moments of my life.

I have 5 tiny holes in my heart, and scars on my soul. 5 marks that I will always carry with me.

5 is made of up 1 natural miscarriage; 2 separate misoprostol/cytotec treatments; 1 D&C due to a failed misoprostol/cytotec treatment; 1 medically required abortion; and 1 chemical pregnancy.

5 has forced me to learn how to disagree with my husband constructively, to fight in a way that will ensure we continue to love each other and get through this together.

Each one of those 5, each and every single one, has changed me to my core. My very being has been effected and forever altered. One literally nearly killed me, and all have made me question my ability to continue on in this journey. They have broken me, so now I am bound back together through a combination of personal hard work and strands of love from friends and family who have supported us to the best of their ability.

5 has made me an expert on miscarriages. I now have friends and acquaintances calling me for advice on a subject I never wanted to be an expert on. People now turn to me in their darkest time to provide my experience and thoughts on how to have a miscarriage.

5 has shown my strength and my perseverance. Regardless of the final outcome, I will survive this!

………………………………

6, somehow, I now love the sound of the number 6.

6 might just be my number. It is half of my favourite number, so maybe that’s a good sign?

6 might just be the light at the end of our tunnel.

Ultimately, 6 represents hope. Hope for a child. Hope for a heathy pregnancy. Hope for life. Hope for a celebration for our first born.

The hope of 6, means we have to try one more time. How can we not when there is still hope?

………………………………

Please, please, let me never have to write a post about number 7….

If I were a praying person, who believed in a higher power, I’m sure this is where I’d insert a prayer.

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14 Comments on “The Difference Between 5 & 6

  1. This post is so beautifully written – sad, brave and inspiring all at the same time. I hope you never have to write about number 7.

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  2. Aw thinking about you hon! I was thinking exact same thing right down to the same numbers not that long ago. Here’s to both our lucky number 6s! Hugs girl!

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  3. This post breaks my heart and makes me desperately hope that 6 is as perfect of a number as it sounds. It sounds like the best number.

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  4. Number SIX is an important number in chinese. It means “smooth”. I hope things will go smoothly this time around! 🙂

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  5. I know it’s not the #6 but a good friend of mine had 4 early miscarriages over 2.5 years…then she got pregnant a 5th time and is in labour right now as I type! I got the text this morning 🙂

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    • I’m so happy for your friend! I hope her and baby are doing well. 🙂

      As the doctor’s say, eventually it will work, its just a matter of time and whether or not we are persistent enough to keep trying until it works.

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  6. Pingback: Why My Numbers Matter | My Perfect Breakdown

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