A Few More Decisions Have Been Made

We are trying one more time for a healthy pregnancy. This is not news to my regular followers. But, what is news, is that I’m coming to a point where I don’t think I can keep trying after that. I know, this might change, and in fact there is a very good chance it might change. But, today, for the first time I said to my husband, I’m ready to be done with this. I am ready to start living again. I need to start living again.  Just saying those words aloud was almost liberating.  To acknowledge that I may be coming to a point where not having children is a pretty big step, so I will take this for what it is and let myself be okay with it for now.

The adoption weekend seminar will wait a few more months (see my past post on where we are in the adoption process here). My husband was pretty shocked when I said, this to him, he thought for sure I’d want to attend the weekend seminar this month. But, that’s just not the case and when we talked about why I didn’t want to attend in July, he agreed with all my reasoning.  So, we are on the same page, which always makes me happy.  Anyways, as to why we will not attend this month – it turns out the weekend of the seminar conflicts with a wedding of a very good friend and my husband is one of the groom’s men. So, we really cannot make that weekend work from a practical perspective. But, truthfully, that’s just a convenient excuse. Here are the real reasons why we are not ready to attend an adoption weekend seminar yet:

  • We have too many conflicting emotions and it’s just not something we can jump into. After doing all our homework, and researching everything under the sun, all we know is that we are very scared of the risks associated with adoption and that has not changed (I know, I am starting to sound like a broken record with this).
  • As we are already committed to trying for one more healthy pregnancy, we don’t need to muddle the waters on that front.
  • It makes no practical sense to attend a weekend seminar and pay the first installment of the adoption costs (approx. $3000) – although it won’t break the bank, it just is not a wise use of our money while I’m not working.
  • We don’t even know what type of weekend seminar to attend – domestic or international. Right now, I think we are leaning slightly towards international adoption of a child with a physical disability that may be fixable through the Canadian health care system. But, we still aren’t sure, so how can we even think to attend a weekend seminar, and we definitely don’t want to pay for 2 seminars and therefore 2 initial payments.  That just doesn’t make any financial sense.
  • As I keep telling myself, waiting until October is not the end of the world, it is only 3 months and in the scheme of our lives, 3 months is nothing.

So, we may attend the October seminar, but we may not.  We will see where we are at in 3 months time.  And, in the meantime I will read a few books on adoption that have been recommended to us. We will continue to percolate on the topic, but we will not formally venture further down the road for the time being.

I am committed to staying out of work until September, unless we are pregnant. If we get pregnant, then I will stay out of work until the pregnancy comes to an end, whatever/whenever that end is. If we are not pregnant by September, then I will start looking for some sort position that will be a maximum of 32 hours a week (not the 60-70 hours a week that I am used to working for 40 hours pay). Whatever I do next, will be outside of my past profession, as I am no longer interested in working in that field. This of course will likely make it slightly harder for me to find a job, but that’s okay. If I end up returning to work in the fall, I will be looking for the right position, not just a position. I do not want to fall back into my old ways. Right now, I think I’ll be looking for some sort of project management position with a non-for-profit.

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15 Comments on “A Few More Decisions Have Been Made

  1. I haven’t had the tragic experience of losing a pregnancy, let alone multiple pregnancies, but I absolutely relate to being done and ready to start living again.

    Its kind of a weird feeling isn’t it? But you’re not alone in that.

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    • It is such a weird feeling when you start to recognize that you might just be okay with a very different life then you ever imagined! And, its very nice to know that I am not alone in that. Thank you.

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  2. I can so relate to wanting to be done. The best part of our recent vacation was that I totally felt like my old self for a week. It was surreal. I realized how much I miss me. All of the adoption questions will sort themselves out in time. You’re right–October is right around the corner. No use rushing anything.

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  3. I think your decision to wait is very wise. First, you’d want to have made the decision re: international or domestic before attending. And that could take 3 months of research before deciding! Also, you’d want to be fully invested in adopting before throwing down $3,000! You stated all of these things 🙂 I guess I’m just repeating that they are very rational reasons to wait.

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  4. I’ve felt like that recently (and I know that I have a healthy child but I still consider myself infertile since it took us so long to get him and our recent loss. He is my miracle child for sure). Your life is on hold for the amount of time you’ve been trying and I think, as a woman, with all the physical aspects of that it’s really easy to lose sight of yourself. EVERYTHING you do becomes about having a baby and slowly you lose your identity. I think you’re really brave to say that you may need to stop or just take a long break to just be you again. It is such a hard decision to make and I appreciate that three months can feel like an eternity when you’re trying. The disappointment of not getting a positive test can be well and truly devastating. I really hope it happens for you (((hug)))

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    • Thank you so much for your comment. I do love that you have your miracle child – these stories give me hope!! (And I need hope). 🙂
      Given our past 5 miscarriages, we really get the the fact that everything we do is about having a baby, because if you combine the amount of time I’ve been pregnant, we’d probably be over 9 months by now (wow, I’ve never thought of that before!). Anyways, it is an all consuming lifestyle regardless if you cannot get pregnant or if you struggle to maintain a pregnancy.
      Thank you so much for your support. I truly love hearing your thoughts knowing that you have your miracle. You’ve been there, you get it, but you also get the reward at the end. Thank you 🙂

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      • You’re welcome 🙂 I think hope is what keeps us going, I used to read countless articles and blogs from women who had had their miracles and repeatedly told myself that it can happen for me too – it used to motivate and depress me all at the same time! It is all consuming, like you say, so I think you are well within your right to take a time out for yourself. Also your decisions on your future work (if you go back, hopefully you won’t need to!) sound very empowered.

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  5. Right before now, I was totally here. I was over it, ready to move on and take control of my health. Run a damn marathon. Visit Ireland. Whatever, but anything that was better than 2 week waits. I hope that this cycle is a great one but I also hope it goes wicked fast. I would definitely wait out the seminar…jut one step at a time. But I was there, ready to have a different life for sure.

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    • Thank you so much for your thoughts! Visit Ireland – that is also on my list!! 🙂
      Honestly, the two week waits aren’t what kill me (but if I recall correctly, we come at this form different types of infertility). The more of them I have, they totally suck, but I know we will get pregnant again. Its the fear that gets me.
      Anyways, we are committed to one more try, so I am working to deal with the fear in a healthy manner so that we can give it the best try yet without stress from work. After that, we will re-evaluate and maybe visit Ireland.
      Thanks again.

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  6. I think this all sounds like a good plan. Regardless of whether you decide to move forward with adoption or not, I still have so much hope that you will have your rainbow baby one day. Hopefully sooner than later. Hugs girl

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  7. Pingback: Thoughts on Adoption and Race | My Perfect Breakdown

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