A Few More Decisions Have Been Made
We are trying one more time for a healthy pregnancy. This is not news to my regular followers. But, what is news, is that I’m coming to a point where I don’t think I can keep trying after that. I know, this might change, and in fact there is a very good chance it might change. But, today, for the first time I said to my husband, I’m ready to be done with this. I am ready to start living again. I need to start living again. Just saying those words aloud was almost liberating. To acknowledge that I may be coming to a point where not having children is a pretty big step, so I will take this for what it is and let myself be okay with it for now.
The adoption weekend seminar will wait a few more months (see my past post on where we are in the adoption process here). My husband was pretty shocked when I said, this to him, he thought for sure I’d want to attend the weekend seminar this month. But, that’s just not the case and when we talked about why I didn’t want to attend in July, he agreed with all my reasoning. So, we are on the same page, which always makes me happy. Anyways, as to why we will not attend this month – it turns out the weekend of the seminar conflicts with a wedding of a very good friend and my husband is one of the groom’s men. So, we really cannot make that weekend work from a practical perspective. But, truthfully, that’s just a convenient excuse. Here are the real reasons why we are not ready to attend an adoption weekend seminar yet:
- We have too many conflicting emotions and it’s just not something we can jump into. After doing all our homework, and researching everything under the sun, all we know is that we are very scared of the risks associated with adoption and that has not changed (I know, I am starting to sound like a broken record with this).
- As we are already committed to trying for one more healthy pregnancy, we don’t need to muddle the waters on that front.
- It makes no practical sense to attend a weekend seminar and pay the first installment of the adoption costs (approx. $3000) – although it won’t break the bank, it just is not a wise use of our money while I’m not working.
- We don’t even know what type of weekend seminar to attend – domestic or international. Right now, I think we are leaning slightly towards international adoption of a child with a physical disability that may be fixable through the Canadian health care system. But, we still aren’t sure, so how can we even think to attend a weekend seminar, and we definitely don’t want to pay for 2 seminars and therefore 2 initial payments. That just doesn’t make any financial sense.
- As I keep telling myself, waiting until October is not the end of the world, it is only 3 months and in the scheme of our lives, 3 months is nothing.
So, we may attend the October seminar, but we may not. We will see where we are at in 3 months time. And, in the meantime I will read a few books on adoption that have been recommended to us. We will continue to percolate on the topic, but we will not formally venture further down the road for the time being.
I am committed to staying out of work until September, unless we are pregnant. If we get pregnant, then I will stay out of work until the pregnancy comes to an end, whatever/whenever that end is. If we are not pregnant by September, then I will start looking for some sort position that will be a maximum of 32 hours a week (not the 60-70 hours a week that I am used to working for 40 hours pay). Whatever I do next, will be outside of my past profession, as I am no longer interested in working in that field. This of course will likely make it slightly harder for me to find a job, but that’s okay. If I end up returning to work in the fall, I will be looking for the right position, not just a position. I do not want to fall back into my old ways. Right now, I think I’ll be looking for some sort of project management position with a non-for-profit.
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