You Chose You. I Chose Me.
Without knowing what was going on, when I stopped calling as much, you chose not to ask, is something bothering you? You chose not to ask, I haven’t heard from you in a few weeks, is everything okay? You chose not to call.
I eventually chose to tell you, one of my absolute closest friends, about our personal struggles. I chose to tell you about our three lost babies.
You chose to ask questions to try to figure out the timeline and how it related to your own. You chose to obsess over details about if I was drinking alcoholic drinks or not last time I saw you, to try to figure out if we were trying again. You chose to blame me for not calling you, and chose not to take any responsibility for your decision not to contact me. You chose to obsess over the fact that I had not included you throughout the process, and ignored the fact that we did not tell anyone until we were ready. You chose not to respond with something supportive, instead you chose to respond with “now that I know about this, you have no reason not to spend more time with me and my infant son”. Nearly a year later, you have clearly chosen not to call, text or email me again.
Your choices hurt me deeply.
But I also made choices throughout this. I, with my husband, chose not to tell anyone about our first two miscarriages, including you. I chose to take care of myself and my husband, during our hard struggles. I chose my own health and my own coping strategies. I chose when to tell you because I needed a friend. I chose you to be one of the few friends I’d turn to. I chose you because I thought you would be there for me.
Then, to my surprise, you chose not to contact me again. And I intern chose the same. The reason for my choice was simple. My choice was based on surrounding myself with positive influences. I chose friendship without strings. I chose unconditional support and love from true friends. I chose reciprocal friendships. Your choices, resulted in my choice that you no longer fit into my definition of friend.
For a long time, I chose to be mad at you. I chose to let your actions hurt me.
But now, I choose to make peace with our individual choices, which have conspired together to end our friendship. I now choose to say good-bye without regret. I now choose to wish you and your family health, happiness and the absolute best with your life, even though I will not be part of it.
Sometimes our choices are difficult. Surrounding yourself with positive and love is always the best choice. Thank you for sharing,
Thanks for the support! Its hard for me to choose a route then effectively ends a friendship, but I know this is right for me.
Loss is hard. I’m sorry for yours.
Thank you. The loss of friends has been unexpected, but I’ve come to realize that I also made choices that lead to the end of the friendship. Somehow acknowleding my role in it has made me less upset with her and more okay with the situation.
I’ve been there and totally agree.
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Sometimes people don’t know what to say or do so they choose the easy option of “nothing”. It’s sad that some people can be so self-involved instead of showing unconditional support – which is obviously what is needed during this journey. I’m glad you are at peace with it now and I believe people come in and out of our lives for a reason 🙂
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Ending a close friendship hurts SO MUCH, but sometimes it’s the only sane, healthy thing to do. I’m glad you were able to get to a place of release and forgiveness, and move on. Glad, too, that other friends have moved in to uphold and encourage you… 🙂
Thank you so much for this. It’s been nearly 2 years and part of me still misses her and the good parts of our friendship. But you are right, it was the sane and healthy decision for me to make, and I’m glad I’ve stuck by that decision. 2 years later I know it was the best thing I could have done for me, and sometimes I have to matter in all of this. 🙂
I don’t make friends easily – mostly, I really do prefer my own company – but I tend to fall deeply in love with the friends I do allow close. So when a friendship goes sour, or simply fails to hold through a period of change, it’s excruciating … in many way, I think it’s as painful as a divorce. But yes, I think we have both learned the same lesson – sometimes you have to walk away and deal with the hurt that IS, rather than staying around and inviting more hurt to come in.
I am really similar to you – I have many friends, but very few very close friends that get to know the depths of my thoughts. And being hurt by the ones I feel that closely to is just the worst and always results in extreme hurt.
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