It’s Time to Get Back Into the Friendship Game
It is raining outside.
I am currently sitting on the couch under a cozy blanket, snuggling with our dog thinking about our weekend and our lives.
I’ll set the stage with a brief description of our weekend – We’ve spent the weekend with very dear friends who got married. My husband was one of the groomsmen so it’s been a very busy weekend. Friday night dinner and rehearsal. Saturday wedding. Sunday gift opening. My husband’s weekend has been dictated by the wedding and while mine has revolved around the wedding, I have had more flexibility. I went to dinner on Friday. I went obviously went to the wedding and but I skipped the gift opening today. The husband went solo because I was slightly hung-over all day long. But truthful, I also just didn’t want to go.
The friends who got married have a beautiful 9 month old baby. They’ve been really supportive of us not being around as much as we really should. Friday was actually only the second time I’ve physically been around their baby and it was also the first time I’ve held him. That’s really rather pathetic of me.
So, here’s the reason I am sharing all of this – I made a decision at the wedding night (no, not the adoption decision). I finally figured out that this is our problem not our friends. While it completely sucks, I’m so unbelievably tired of letting RPL dictate our life. I’m tired of being at a social gathering with tonnes of our friends, and being the odd ones out. We are the ones who don’t get to have children and may never. I’m tired of listening to cute little kid stories and smiling along. I’m tired of having people dance around us because they don’t want to say the wrong thing (yet, I am ever so grateful when our friends are sensitive).
So, since this is our problem, we cannot expect our friends to not talk about their kids. We have to make it safe for them to be them, just like they are trying to do for us. At the end of the day, this is our curse, but ultimately we have to decide how we are going to live with it at least for the time being until we either get a healthy baby on our own or choose to live childfree or jump fully into adoption. It’s already been 2 years, and it could be years more before this is all figured out. Our lives may not be proceeding as expected, but there’s are, and we cannot sit out the next few years and expect our friendships to remain strong. Our friends deserve better of us.
We have to change our attitude.
If we want to keep our friends, we have to get over the hurt that comes along with visiting their babies.
This is our issue.
We need to find a way to deal so that we can be active members of their extended family of friends.
We’ve been shitty friends for the last 2 years, to the majority of our friends. Yes, we’ve been protecting ourselves, we’ve been guarding our emotions while we get through each miscarriage. I’m not going to apologize for that, we’ve done what we’ve needed to do. So, while this is okay to do, it’s not okay to do permanently and to live in hiding. We have to do better and we have to be better. We owe it to our friends who have supported us.
Friendships take active participation from all people. Almost all of our friends have been amazing (you can see an exception to that here), but it’s time for us to step up and get back into the friendship game.
I know this won’t always be easy, there will still be tough days, but I know we have to do it.
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