Cheerleading

Anyone who knows me in real life would probably say I am not a bubbly and sparkly cheerleader type.  I am pretty down to earth, practical and level headed.  At least most of the time.

Yet, I find myself becoming a bit of cheerleader these days.

When someone in the infertility blogging community announces a pregnancy, I find myself cheering them on. Rather than closing my WordPress reader, I find myself hoping for them and caring for their little baby.

I’ve realized there are a few reasons why I’m always cheering on any infertile person who has entered the ranks of being an expecting parent.

First, for some reason I feel like anyone who has struggled to get pregnant or maintain a pregnancy deserves to have extra love, excitement and happiness. I find that the most someone else has struggled, the more I am genuinely happy for them and the less I have twinges of envy.

Also, I choose to cheer on any expecting infertile in part because I know first-hand that things go wrong, and when they unfortunately do, I want to be able to offer my love and support. I hate that I can read posts about betas/fetal heart rates and guess with pretty decent accuracy if people are going to miscarry – I know the stats because I’ve fallen on the bad side of them each and every time.  I figure, while it may be hard for me at times to cheer someone on during the early stages of their pregnancy, if it goes wrong for them they will likely need more support and I want to be there to offer support.

Third, a few months ago, a blogger reached out to me after she announced she was pregnant and I left a short congratulatory comment on her blog.  What she said really stuck with me – evidently my comment of encouragement meant a lot to her.  To know that with everything I’ve been through that I took the time to support her, was very special to her.  And in the end she lost the baby, and turned to me again for advice.  I guess, knowing how much my simple congratulation note meant to her, gives me motivation to keep doing it.

And, most importantly, somewhere along this road, I’ve decided that my hurt is never going to go away. As we move to adoption there will always be things I long for, but will never be part of my life. Simple things like a healthy ultrasound, actually having a NT scan, feeling the first kicks, or giving birth. On bad days, I might not read word for word the detailed updates, but yet I know that I cannot shut myself off either. I have loved many of the women who have recently given birth, are now expecting or hopefully will be one day in the future, and I’m not going to stop loving and caring for them just because my body will not do what theirs is. So, rather than shut myself off from those who are living the dream, I want to encourage my true friends, just as they have me. Being a voice of support is more important to me, then wallowing in my hurt. I assume that these pangs of self-pity will be with me for the rest of my life, and I’m hoping with time they will reduce in their strength as we get further and further into our adoption, because while I will miss some of the aforementioned things, there are still many others (like loving and parenting a wonderful little child) that I will get to have soon enough. So, for now, I am going to focus on being a good friend and supporting those through their exciting times just as I did through their bad times.

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55 Comments on “Cheerleading

  1. It’s a testament to your strength and character that you can extend these kindnesses to people, even when it hurts. I think people would understand if you weren’t able to read/comment/feel happy for them, and maybe knowing all you’ve been through makes your comments all the more appreciated to the people you leave them for. ❤

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    • Awe, thanks Lindsay, you are so sweet. I do have my bad days when I skip some posts to protect my own heart, but I find they are becoming fewer and father apart as we get further and further into the adoption process.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are an Amazing cheerleader and I always look forward to your comments and words of encouragement! I can’t wait for the day that you bring your little one home…I think I’m more excited for you then I am for us, lol. Maybe because I am still trudging through all that paperwork.

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    • Thanks so much friend! I too always look forward to your posts and words of encouragement! I am so excited for the day that we both bring home our little ones, hopefully it will happen soon for both of us! And yes, it will be so nice to be through all the paperwork – I’ve had just about enough of paper shuffling!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You are an excellent cheerleader, one I’m glad to have on my side. I read a quote somewhere about how women building up other women is a powerful thing. I think sometimes envy makes it hard to support and encourage each other, but when us girls stick together and love each other, it makes us all better!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love that you cheer me along too!! I love the thought of women building up women, it is a powerful thing and it’s something we should be doing more of as a gender and human race! Together we will be better and we can survive all of this. Love to you my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Reblogged this on Planting Beans and commented:
    This post by the lovely My Perfect Breakdown is exactly why I continue to blog in this community.

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  5. I always find it hard to stomach when I hear of friends trying for under a year, no problems, pregnant and baby straight away. It almost makes me feel bitter and twisted that I could be so cold. But like you say, when you hear of someone who you know has been through so much, tried for so long and experienced so much heartbreak, any news turns me into the happy, clappy, cheery person you talk about yourself being. It doesn’t make it easy, knowing you’re not quite there – I don’t think the ‘innocence’ of family planning will ever be the same once you experience infertility – but it makes it feel more worthwhile, more deserving, even though I realise how that sounds.

    It’s clear you mean a lot to so many people in this blogging community; having only been around a month, I’m only getting a handle on people and their stories but you are one who is surrounded by bloggers all over, supporting you and you them. I only have to read the comments people put to know that. You’ve clearly been cheerleading correctly, even if it hurts 🙂 Wishing you all the best x

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    • I so understand what you mean about hearing from the fertile people of the world how easy it was for them to get pregnant – it drives me crazy and always makes me feel cold. And you are so right about losing our innocence – it seems to be a casualty of infertility and / or RPL.
      Also, I love that you are joining the community. While I obviously hate that you get all of it, I’m thrilled to be getting to know you. This community is pretty amazing!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m staggered, and always have been, at the support of the IF community. I had a really close bunch of IF friends (who all now have babies) but I barely speak to them anymore (a blog is in the pipeline about this) so have felt quite out of it recently. So I started this blog, never realising in a million years how many other people I would find and read their stories and see that, actually, I’m not alone. It’s heart-breaking but comforting, in a really sad wish-there-was-no-need way. It’s like a proper little community 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. “He who refuses to embrace a unique opportunity loses the prize as surely as if he had failed.”
    ~ William James
    As “friends” on these blogs, we have the chance/opportunity to make people feel amazing, or feel really shitty about themselves and their situations. With your life story, your pain and heartache, your joys and your love, you have changed peoples lives. You have touched them in ways that you probably didn’t expect or anticipate. You were able to “embrace a unique opportunity” and give someone what they needed that day. It irritates me when people have been “friends” and readers here for so long and life doesn’t go their way and they shut people out. They stop following. They stop caring somehow. I can’t detach myself like that from people who’s lives I’m invested in. You took the high road, friend, and Life and the Universe will reward you for being strong and loving and kind to someone who really needs it, in spite of what you have been through. This post made me smile today…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for such a beautiful comment, and a wonderful quote!
      You are right, I never anticipated the connections and love that I have found in the blogging community, both for myself and for others. Like you, I simply cannot disconnect from someone’s life once i”m invested in it, so I want to keep supporting no matter what happens. Also, I had no idea the profound impact this blog would have on my life, and I am so thankful, every single day that I am part of this amazing community with friends like you. Thank you!

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  7. This is a wonderful post, and one of the main reason why I think you are just the bees knees. I notice that you are often the first commenter on many blogs, and your comments are always thoughtful and heartfelt. Keep doing what you’re doing — it really does have a positive impact on so many people’s lives!

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    • You are the bees knees too! (I also love that you said bees knees, it made me smile). I figure if I can make one person smile, or lift someone’s spirits even just for a moment, or let someone know they are not alone, then there is some good that will come from all of our hurt and pain in the last few years. And as an added bonus, I get to know people like you, who do the exact same thing for me! 🙂

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  8. You are an amazing person and your kindness and support means the world to me! ❤

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  9. I am not the cheerleader type either. I actually got in trouble in high school varsity volleyball bc I refused to do the cheers with the team while we warmed up before games. I wanted to focus gosh darn it! But I think that you don’t have to be the cheerleader type to hope the best for your friends, especially us over in the corner of infertility who are fighting so hard. Its just a testament to you being a good person, and that doesn’t surprise me one bit. I am personally cheering you on in your journey and will be through the roof excited when you get your little one. xoxo

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    • Thank you so very much for your kind words. I think one of the greatest things about this community is that we hope for each other just as much as we hope for ourselves. It seems like once you are part of the world’s worst club – infertility, the bonus is that you are surrounded by wonderful like minded people who get it. I’m thankful every day for that! I love that you are cheering for me, and I am thankful that we are going through this together. I too am cheering for you and am so hopeful for you too!!
      Oh, I always thought volleyball players were required to be overly cheerful, like it’s part of the criteria to make the team! 🙂

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  10. You have a very kind and deep heart – and that is exactly why you will be a wonderful mother. I followed your journey secretly for ages before I finally commented as I know secondary infertility is not the same. However, what I have learnt in all this time is that you are a considered, thoughtful, and extremely kind and open blogger. Exactly the reasons in fact that I find this community so valuable. Thank you for being here, even though nobody wants to meet under circumstances like these! xxx

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    • You followed secretly!?! You are too cute and evidently silly too. 🙂
      I know secondary infertility is different, yet it’s the exact same. Does that make sense? Loss is loss. Struggle is struggle.
      Thank you for being here for me as well! I am beyond thankful for our friendship and your ongoing support.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Thank you for your support. I must admit that I was definitely not a big cheerleader when I was struggling with trying to conceive. It takes a strong person to be happy for someone that is going through something you want more than anything. You are so strong. Thank you for being a great example of women supporting women

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    • Awe, your words are too kind. I get what you mean about not being a big cheerleader, it can be so hard sometimes! I do find it helps me be happy for someone who I know has struggled – it’s a big crazy to think that way, yet it makes a difference for me.

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  12. I feel this. When I was undergoing treatments and people I knew would get pregnant, it helped me in a strange way to be happy for them. When you’ve experienced loss and disappointment so much, there is something important about celebrating happiness– no matter where it happens.

    Cheer lead away, friend!

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    • I’m glad you get it and you understand how great it can be to celebrate the happiness of others! I’m glad that I can learn these great things from you, thank you for sharing. 🙂

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  13. It says so much about you as a person that you and put aside your hurt and emotions to be truly happy for others. I always appreciate seeing your comments and your support. xo

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    • Thank you so much! You are too kind and I am so thankful to have met you through this journey! Thank you for being an amazing inspiration to me and so many others.

      Like

  14. Like usual I am impressed with your perspective and grace. I am gladly your cheerleader too!! Xo

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    • Thank you so much my friend. I am thrilled to know you and to count you as on of my supporters and friends. 🙂
      I’ve been thinking of you lately as I noticed you hadn’t been popping up as much – I hope you are well!!

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  15. This is what makes you such an amazing person! You’re truly one of the first people I look forward to reading from, both on your own blog and your comments on mine. Your love and compassion and empathy for others is beautiful. Even if you aren’t a bubbly and overly positive person in real life, that you can be that way here is special. Thanks for all you do for everyone around you!!

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    • First, I love your blog too and I adore your comments and your blog too! I’m always excited when is see a new post come up.
      Second, I laughed so hard when you said i’m not …”overly positive.” The first thing that I thought is, I’m not not positive, and I’m also not Oscar the Grouch in real life either. I have no idea why and I’m sure it’s not what you meant, but all I can picture is Oscar the Grouch. Anyways, that’s a side note. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hahaha! I didn’t mean it in a bad way at all, I was just going by what you said about yourself! And thank you, that means a lot to me 🙂 I feel like we would be great friends if we lived close to each other!

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  16. This reminds me of a post that Mel at Stirrup Queens wrote a little while ago, about sending the elevator back down. I think it’s great to support everyone and take the time to congratulate those who become pregnant. I have friends who felt like once they got pregnant people dropped off, and that’s unfortunate, because it can’t be easy being pregnant after all this trauma, even if you actually get a take-home baby. Although, that said, we all have to do what works for us at the time and place we’re at, and so there may be times like you said that you can’t chime in on the new babies or pregnancy, every single time. I think you have a healthy attitude towards this! It’s beautiful to be compassionate and supportive to everyone, not just people on the same type of path. I always think of the people who supported me even though they had already had their children through whatever means, and it always meant so much. Great, thoughtful post!

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    • I think you are so right about having to do what is best for us, regardless of what exactly our situation looks like. And that will very from person to person, situation to situation. I try to do my best and hope that my best is enough. 🙂
      As always, thank you so much for your love and encouragement! I’m so excited to continue to watch your path forward!

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  17. Pretty much the way I see it. I don’t get bitter someone is pregnant I am just bitter i can’t xx

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    • You said that so perfectly – I’m just bitter that I can’t. I wish I could, I wish so much that I could. We will be okay with the path we’ve chosen, but sometimes I just wish.

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  18. Pingback: Making Lemonade | My Perfect Breakdown

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