Moving from Baby Loss(es) to Adoption
So this incredible and amazing thing is unfolding before my eyes.
People everywhere are getting really excited for us to adopt.
I started to notice it right away, when we were first talking to our family doctor to get our medicals done one of the receptionist was very excited for us. She probably didn’t know our history, and she probably had no idea this was the first time we had told ANYONE we decided to adopt. Her excitement threw me, and I honestly had no idea how to react to it. No-one had ever been excited for us before. It was such an unfamiliar and odd feeling.
But, not we have now shared the news with almost everyone we deemed as being close enough that we wanted to tell them ourselves. This means the news will now spread from here to the family friends and acquaintances.
Many of these people do not know our history of loss. We’ve chosen to keep it that way because we want to share our decision to adopt as positively as possible. We want to say things like we are excited to adopt, not things like we have had 5 miscarriages so we are deciding to adopt. We want to phrase our adoption positively. This does not mean we have forgotten or that we are not still hurting. It does not mean we are ashamed and it most definitely does not mean that we will never speak of them again. We are still hurting, and I know we will never forget and we will always speak about our lost children. However, what it does mean is that our adopted child is not forever cloaked in the story of our lost children. And, we feel pretty strongly that our experiences should not taint our child’s story and their future.
So, right now, we are watching everyone get really excited. Some days I am slightly frustrated by it and I hate some of my feelings which are grounded in fear. We’ve lost 5 babies, and I am no so afraid of hoping that we will have a change of heart / failed adoption. I’m afraid to be excited. I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I am simply afraid and I am mad at RPL for doing this to me.
Yet, we’ve realized that as we see more and more people getting excited for us, we are feeling more and more excited ourselves. It turns out that the old saying of misery loves company seems to be true in the reverse –
Excitement and happiness are contagious!
While I have no doubt we will still battle fears ad we will still be faced with moments of grief for all that we have lost. I am also confident that the further we get into the adoption process, the more excited we will become! And honestly, it’s pretty cool to see happiness and excitement in our future.
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This is indeed a difficult situation for you, as you’re still grieving for your lost babies, but without many people knowing about it. I can totally understand why this is hard for you, and I know that RPL generally takes away some of your happiness and hope for the future, so this new found wave of positivity might seem somehow hard to manage.
I hope you can appreciate the positivity and let yourself remember your babies whilst waiting for your new one. It is indeed a big old bag of mixed emotions. Lots of love xx
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I do hope with time I will get more used to the excitement that everyone is throwing our way. For now, I will just focus on enjoying some moments of excitement when the time is right for me. 🙂
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DW and I are super excited for you and Mr. MPB as well! RPL is a terrible thing no one should have to go through. I like how you frame your choice to adopt. These kinds of things do matter. You should have a “progress bar” for your application process on your blog 😉 I know it’s a very involved process, and it would be exciting to have cheers throughout each stage!
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Interesting idea about the progress bar, but I’m afraid it might just depress me as we are still waiting for a social worker to be assigned to us, which means we are doing absolutely nothing right now. I’m frustrated to say the least, as I didn’t expect this delay.
And thank you so much for your excitement! 🙂
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You are no stranger to the torturous waits eh? Well I hope things happen swiftly for you and that you find some good books to keep you occupied.
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Ha, I had not thought of it that way. Maybe that’s just the RPL curse that will never leave me.
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I have hope that it will. I think things will feel better once the ball gets rolling again. I know that’s how I feel with TTC- forward motion is key.
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I’m glad that you’re starting to feel some of that excitement! You deserve it, just as you deserve to continue to grieve your losses in whatever ways are important or necessary to you. I can’t know all the emotions that you have felt, but I hope you are kind to yourself throughout all of them. Also, I love your perspective on making sure that your child’s life isn’t tainted by your own past struggles. Good for you for sticking to that and respecting your child right from the start.
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Thank you Rebecca. Mr. MPB and I have talked at length about how we handle what we have been through and what that means to our future child. And how our personal emotions fit into it all. And each and every time, our future child’s well-being trumps.
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I feel you! Its strange to have others more excited than us. While we are glad to be moving forward, we’ve lived so long with loss we just aren’t able to have the kind of optimism others do for us. This is why friends and family are good to have around!
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Thanks for understanding! I always appreciate knowing that my emotions are “normal” in a not so typical situation.
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I can totally relate to excitement being contagious. My one nurse told me today she’s excited to see me again and it almost made me cry. Hang onto that joy! I am positive this adoption ride will be a happier one.
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Thanks so much! I’m hoping you too can hang onto the joy and this transfer will be the ONE! 🙂
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I’m happy to hear you are surrounded by much more happiness than sadness lately. I love hearing your progress!
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Thanks so much, I’m trying to hold onto the happiness as much as possible. 🙂
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It’s such tricky territory — a tightrope of loss, fear, hope and excitement. I think you are doing a great job navigating it, letting the excitement come as it comes, yet still feeling the loss. So many good things are ahead for you and Mr. MPB, I feel certain of it.
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I love your tightrope analogy, it is really fitting to how it feels some-days.
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Excitement is totally contagious. I’m kind of grateful for that. And I am very, very excited for you. I know the road is long and difficult, but you’re no stranger to a tough journey.
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Thanks Molly! It is a great thing that excitement is contagious – I’m just hoping I get more accepting of it as we get further into the adoption process. 🙂
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I’m excited for you too! I know there will be waiting and obstacles between now and when you finally have your baby in your arms, but in the end it will all be worth it, and by then I think you’ll be so excited that all the waiting will fade in comparison.
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Thank you so much for your loving encouragement Amy. I believe you are right, in the end it will be worth it!
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