When we were actively living through each of our losses I saw a counsellor at least once a month. Sometimes more. Mr. MPB even came with me. Heck, I think he even went once or twice on his own.
Our counsellor became a very big part of our life. She has been integral to our ability to weather the storm that we’ve faced. She helped us turn our sails every now and again and re-prioritize our lives. She’s always given us a safe space, a space to deal with our emotions. A space to talk about the hard things and to give us an unbiased opinion (I can will say unbiased because she didn’t always agree with me). (Gasp!)
Living through multiple losses meant that we were living with death, constantly. In the time that we lost 5 babies we also lost multiple grandparents. And we also saw friendships that we deeply valued disappear. It was hard! In fact, it has been the hardest time of my life. I know they say you cannot compare pain, but I would say the last few years of our lives have been even harder than losing my mom and sister in a car accident when I was 14 years old. She has seen it all with us, and she continues to offer her professional advice and her loving support.
To be honest, I’m thankful I know I can call my counsellor if I need to. I’m thankful that even if I haven’t seen her in the last 7 weeks that should I need her, she will be there. Should we encounter a failed adoption (my biggest fear at this point), she will support us. Should I experience post-adoption depression, she will be there.
So, today I realized something about my counsellor (who may read this at some point) – I haven’t seen her since May 20th and I do not have another appointment booked.
I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. And since this fact donned on me it’s been weighing on my mind.
On the good side, maybe this means I’m doing better and managing the stress of life a bit better? Maybe this means things are okay? Maybe this means now that we are adopting, we are through the worst of it? Maybe it means that I’m ready to face the next hurdle on my own?
On the bad side, maybe it means I’m letting my work life get in the way of my personal life, and am going back to my old ways? Maybe it means I’m doing a very good job of sticking my head in the sand and ignoring my emotions around the baby-shower that has now come and gone and the baby that will be born into our family shortly? Maybe it means I’m not owning up to things that are going on in my life that I should be? I wonder, am I avoiding something that I just don’t want to talk about (I do have avoidance tendencies)?
Honestly, I really don’t know what this means. Maybe the real meaning here is that rather than writing 500 words about this, I should pick up the phone and book another appointment?
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