I mentioned a few weeks ago that I’ve sort of gone incognito when it comes to my counsellor. Life’s been busy and I forgot to make an appointment. Or maybe I chose not to? Or maybe I decided to try living on my own without help for a while?
I really don’t know.
But what I do know is that last weeks sobering moment was tough, and in a completely different way then I’m used to.
I know that I started spending a lot of time in my mind. I’m thinking just a little bit too much. In fact, I’ve been thinking through things obsessively. And, after two years of counselling, I know myself well enough to know that when I start to internalize obsessively it’s usually not a good sign.
My mind is racing. I’m not talking about what I’m thinking about – Mr. MPB has said more times then I can count what are you thinking about? I’m typically very talkative so this is odd.
I’m not writing – as many of you may have noticed I’ve avoided responding to the comments on that post. I’ve read them, and I’m thankful for the support, but I haven’t responded. I just don’t want to go there. I’m avoiding, another odd sign.
I’ve started rehashing everything over and over again. Like a partial movie scene playing on a loop.
All of this means that I’m not letting go. I’m stuck. I’m obsessing.
Honestly, what I’ve figured out is that I’m worried that I’m not impacted by witnessing this girls last moments in a way that I should be. Victim’s Services has been in touch with us, and they seem to think our involvement was pretty traumatic, and yet I don’t feel like it is/was. I feel like maybe we failed her by not stopping. And I feel like we failed everyone else who ended up involved in her suicide not by choice. I feel like our involvement just doesn’t compare to those people.
I’ve actually thought that given all our losses in the last few years we are just used to death and so now we’re good at dealing with death (now that’s a sentence I never thought I’d write). And with everything we’ve been through I’ve started to learn that there are times when nothing we do will impact the outcome of a situation, so blaming myself isn’t going to help. Healthy perspective, right? I dunno, maybe?
Or is it really just a matter of denial?
Or is this approach a matter of self-perseverance as in if I don’t think about it and go there, then I don’t have to deal with the emotions?
And so I wonder, maybe I’m not seeing all of this in a significant enough way? I don’t know for-sure, but I know this thought has crossed my mind and seems to be lingering.
So, I called my counsellor’s booking coordinator to get on the cancellation list. Maybe it’s time to check in. My counsellor knows me well enough to know if I’m in a healthy place or if I’m in a not so healthy place. And she also knows me well enough to know how to help me get to the healthier place. Hopefully someone cancels sooner rather then later.
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