It’s My Fault
I have spent virtually no time writing or even identifying with these emotions. These emotions are hard so hiding from it seems easier then processing it. But alas, today I’m going to tackle this subject again and hopefully help my heart heal one day at a time.
We know, with certainty that my uterus has been slowly killing each one of our babies. We know that the reversed blood flow is the culprit. Even if I am not a willing participant in this, my body is to blame. I have no shame in this. But, I do have immense guilt (oh guilt, how I loath you).
The slow death of our five babies.
We cannot have children the traditional way.
We will never get to see my eyes or his nose in our future children.
We had to go to an abortion clinic to terminate for medical reasons.
We had to go through countless medical tests.
Each one of these things is my fault.
Many will try to argue that it is not my fault, because it is not a conscious decision I have made. Of course, I did not consciously decided to kill 5 babies, I get that.
Yes, I am sad for me. I am also sad for our lost 5 babies. But, I am heartbroken that Mr. MPB has lost 5 babies because of me.
If Mr. MPB married almost anyone else he would not be in this position.
Mr. MPB is perfectly healthy and has perfectly healthy sperm. He has done his procreation job with perfection. He has been forced on this path of no choice of his own.
He has chosen to stay on this path with me. Yet I know that he wanted children, I cannot provide them. No matter how you look at this, my body is the problem.
I’m left with the scars of multiple losses, and so is he. I cannot fix this. There is no bringing back our lost babies and there is no magical way to overcome my malfunctioning body. Finances and practicalities means we will not try to fix my body, our hearts cannot bear another loss and our money is better spent on adoption with a more guaranteed outcome.
Yes, we have chosen another route which we have both invested our hearts and souls into. But in my heart I still feel sorrow for what my body has done to our children and what my body has taken away from us, and from him.
And at the end of the day, no matter what anyone else says, this is the result of my body.
My body did this. Not his.
He loved me before we had any idea.
My body has failed us.
He continues to love me despite this.
I am stuck with my body, but he is not.
He chooses to love me regardless.
He truly is an amazing man.
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