It’s My Fault

I have spent virtually no time writing or even identifying with these emotions. These emotions are hard so hiding from it seems easier then processing it. But alas, today I’m going to tackle this subject again and hopefully help my heart heal one day at a time.

.

We know, with certainty that my uterus has been slowly killing each one of our babies. We know that the reversed blood flow is the culprit. Even if I am not a willing participant in this, my body is to blame. I have no shame in this. But, I do have immense guilt (oh guilt, how I loath you).

The slow death of our five babies.

We cannot have children the traditional way.

We will never get to see my eyes or his nose in our future children.

We had to go to an abortion clinic to terminate for medical reasons.

We had to go through countless medical tests.

Each one of these things is my fault.

Many will try to argue that it is not my fault, because it is not a conscious decision I have made. Of course, I did not consciously decided to kill 5 babies, I get that.

Yes, I am sad for me. I am also sad for our lost 5 babies. But, I am heartbroken that Mr. MPB has lost 5 babies because of me.

If Mr. MPB married almost anyone else he would not be in this position.

Mr. MPB is perfectly healthy and has perfectly healthy sperm. He has done his procreation job with perfection. He has been forced on this path of no choice of his own.

He has chosen to stay on this path with me. Yet I know that he wanted children, I cannot provide them. No matter how you look at this, my body is the problem.

I’m left with the scars of multiple losses, and so is he. I cannot fix this. There is no bringing back our lost babies and there is no magical way to overcome my malfunctioning body. Finances and practicalities means we will not try to fix my body, our hearts cannot bear another loss and our money is better spent on adoption with a more guaranteed outcome.

Yes, we have chosen another route which we have both invested our hearts and souls into. But in my heart I still feel sorrow for what my body has done to our children and what my body has taken away from us, and from him.

And at the end of the day, no matter what anyone else says, this is the result of my body.

My body did this. Not his.

He loved me before we had any idea.

My body has failed us.

He continues to love me despite this.

I am stuck with my body, but he is not.

He chooses to love me regardless.

He truly is an amazing man.

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59 Comments on “It’s My Fault

  1. Infertility can destroy marriages, so you are bound to feel a huge burden of guilt for your “part” in what you have both been through. If you can come out the other side still loving each other, you are doing great. I’ve had a read back through some of your old posts today and you really have been through the mill with this. Your immune issues seem to be the root of it all and that must be so frustrating to deal with. Have you been tested for coeliac disease? I’m not sure if you have although I remember Dr B recommended a 100% gf diet. I think trying to process these feelings by writing about them is a good thing – it will help clarify your own thoughts and hopefully you’ll be able to feel these things with less pain as time goes by. I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced – no one deserves what you have been through xxx

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    • Faye, thanks for this. I appreciate your thoughts and your support. As you say, processing these feelings is a good thing, and something I’ve decided I need to work to deal with. I’ve been just pushing them aside and ignoring them and I know that wont help anything in the long term.
      I was tested for coeliac disease well before ever trying for children, and have had the blood test and the endoscope test, so we know with certainty that I do not have it. And Dr. B recommends a gluten free diet no matter what. That said, we did go gluten free for our last try, and clearly it didn’t make a difference to the outcome.

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      • Ahh okay. I didn’t realise. So glad to see you working through your darkest thoughts – it will pay off tenfold as you will be able to face the future with an open heart and a clear mind. Something we all aspire to be able to do! x

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      • I don’t know that I ever actually stated anywhere there I’m not celiac, but we did try GF for a while. I guess in the scheme of everything that piece of information did not make the priority list when we were sorting through all the medical stuff.
        And thank you again my friend. 🙂

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  2. I totally relate to this. All of our issues reside with me and the guilt I feel is immense. But at the end of the day, it truly proves what amazing men we married that they stand by us and hold to the idea of sickness and in health.

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    • First, I’m so sorry that you understand this so well! I hate that you get it.
      Second, you are so right, it really does prove how amazing our men are! Not all couples get through this together and I am so thankful that my man is standing by me and we are a team through everything. And, I’m thrilled that you have the same type of relationship! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Definitely sympathize with the guilt. The doctor said that since both of us have fertility issues (I have the low ovarian reserve and anatomy issues and my husband has the low sperm count) there should be less blame. My husband was upset about the low sperm count for my sake. I already had all these issues and we thought that he would be perfectly fine. So he expressed these same feelings to me the other day. Wow, impressive for a guy. But it is a whole grieving process.

    One important thing I would change in your analysis “He continues to love me despite this.” I think he probably loves you because of yourself and that includes your body and the infertility situation. If he knew that this would happen before you got married, he would probably marry you anyway and go through this again because he would be with you. So I would just say “He continues to love me.”

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for sharing your experience and sympathizing. I so appreciate knowing I am not alone. I think what you share about you and your husband is so important because it shows that no matter the circumstances we all carry some level of guilt.
      Also, thanks for your note about my choice of the word “despite.” When Mr. MPB read this (he reads basically all of my posts once they go up), like you, he was not impressed with my choice of word and completely agrees with you – that it’s about continuing to love, nothing has changed. But I guess for me, when I wrote this, I the more negative side of me felt that its love despite this. I love your more positive reflection, now I just need to grasp onto that positive energy. 🙂

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  4. I’m so happy and thankful that you have a fabulous husband who loves you and stands by your side no matter what. I know that some (or a lot?) wouldn’t be able to do that. You guys have been through so much, truly more than anyone should ever have to go through, and you’re still strong and in love on the other side of it. I know you still have a lot to go through, and who knows what the future will bring…but from everything you say all the time, I’m pretty positive that you’ll get through everything together. ❤

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  5. I can relate in some way. It is my body causing infertility and in my darkest moments, I have told J to leave me and marry someone that can have his children. Of course, like Mr. MPB, he loves me despite my broken body. Thank God for our Amazing husbands who stand by us on this frustrating and sucky journey!

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    • We all have these dark moments and thoughts, eh? It’s such a shame that we have them, but for those of us who do they are a very real part of our journey. I’m sorry you get it, but I am also thrilled that you too have an amazing man who loves you and wants to be with you regardless!

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  6. This is a lovely post. I will tell you this from someone on Mr. MPB’s side: Because our issue is male infertility, DH has a lot of guilt. And, he tells me about it often. But, knowing what I know now doesn’t change a thing. I don’t want to have a family with anyone else. Even if it might have been easier if I were married to someone else (not necessarily though, because now I have my own issues) I wouldn’t want that because I love him. I want him to be the father of my children no matter what. I suspect that Mr. MPB feels the same. He loves you and he chooses you to be the mother of his children, regardless of biology or the stuggle it takes to get there. The guilt you feel is only natural, but I’m so glad that you have a wonderful, loving partner to support you on this journey.

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    • Thanks so much for sharing! It’s nice to hear from someone on the other side, and how they feel about all of it. Of course, I hear it from Mr. MPB, and he seems to agree with everything you said. In his mind it’s about having children with me, not someone else.
      Also, I love that you are also so loving and supportive of your husband as he works through his guilt. I know just how amazing it is for me to have such an amazing partner on my side, so I’m glad he has the same. 🙂
      My love to you my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh, yes. I know this guilt of which you speak. In one of my darker moments after our daughter died, when it became clear that she was chromosomally and anatomically normal and I was not, I sobbed to my husband “Please, just tell me you’re still happy you married me.” He did, immediately, of course, but I still can’t help but think once in a while that if he had married almost anyone else he’d probably have a baby by now. I hate that my body took that away from him.

    It’s strange how in marriage your body affects someone else’s life so dramatically. I imagine a lot of couples must go through this, not just in the context of infertility but in the context of any untimely illness or infirmity — if (knock wood) my husband had been diagnosed with cancer this year, of course I’d take care of him and be happy I married him! My body failing me from thrombophilia and placental abruption is no different in that way. Thinking of it as living with an illness helps me feel a little less guilty.

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    • I am sad that you understand all of this so well. Yet, I am so relieved that you too have an amazing husband who loves you and wants to be with you no matter what!
      And you are right, it is strange how our bodies affect someone else so much! Like you, it really helps me to think of our RPL as a medical condition – was it you who told me that initially? I cannot remember who said it to me months ago, but it has been a real shift in my thinking and it has really, really helped me process all of this. As you say, like cancer, diabetes, heart diseases, etc., RPL is a medical condition that is simply out of my control.

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  8. After following you for a while, I can tell that your husband is lucky to have you. Life is so hard and to have someone like you with the strength and grace to handle what comes your way is truly a gift for him. Although having children is our biggest wish and dream we have to remember our partner is the foundation of everything- they are with us before, during and then all those years after when the kids leave home. He could be married to another lady and have three kids but he wouldn’t have you through it all. I am pretty confident he would choose you over all of it. I had these same feelings of guilt and gratitude towards my husband then suddenly realized that he is so lucky to have me too- despite my IF diagnosis and even because of it. I have shown I can handle the hell and keep making our life good despite of it. Xoxo

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    • mamajo, you are so right to acknowledge the importance of our partners in all of this turmoil we face. As you say, they were in our lives first, during and after kids. They are just such a critical piece of the puzzle, and for Mr. MPB and I, we’ve decided that “us” is more important then anything else. Everything else will fall into place somehow, eventually. But, we need to make sure that we are always a team, and working to get through this together.
      I love that you have been able to see that your husband is also lucky to have you!! It really is a two way street, and realizing that is such an important step. I don’t focus on that side of things frequently, maybe I should pay just a little bit more attention to it.

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  9. First of all, I’m a huge proponent of owning our feelings– even the ugly ones. If we keep insisting we’re not “supposed” to feel a certain way, we can’t accept it or really accept ourselves.

    Along my own path, I had so many similar feelings. I didn’t want this for myself, but I really didn’t want it for someone who I love so much. It took me a while to realize Mr. O didn’t want this for me for the exact same reasons. It took me even longer to realize that I was worthy of this kind of love in spite of my shortcomings.

    Regardless of what role your body plays in all this, you are deeply worthy of being loved like this. Both you and Mr. MPB are. Though the situation you’re in is profoundly unfair, you are fortunate to have one another.

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    • Thank you so much Mrs. O for sharing your similar feelings and for supporting me in navigating my own ugly feelings. You are right, no-one on the infertility / loss road, ever wanted this for their partner or themselves. I think I need to work to start showing myself more grace and wake up to the realization that I am worthy of this kind of love in spite of my shortcomings.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I can totally relate to your post as I have spent countless days and sleepless nights blaming myself for our losses. Yet one of our miscarriages was due to a paternal genetic defect. Go figure. But I don’t blame my husband for that. I am not at all trying to discount your feelings, rather I am saying I get it. I am so glad that you are so fortunate to have such a strong and loving marriage, but I think you are responsible for that as much as your husband. ((hugs))

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    • Thank you so very much for sharing mzpipp! I hate that you get it, but clearly you do. I find it interesting that you blame yourself for your losses, even when one was a paternal genetic defect. It’s amazing the things we put on ourselves, when clearly they are not our “fault”. Guilt sure is an interesting emotion.
      And thank you for sharing the perspective of being responsible for a strong and loving marriage – I love that. You are right, it takes two to have a successful marriage, and I should not discount my role in that. 🙂

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  11. Totally agree with all previous comments. We all know too well the guilt despite logically knowing we didn’t do anything on purpose. This dissonance can be so troubling. So glad you have a supportive husband and strong relationship. 😊

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    • Thank you so much for your comment – I so appreciate hearing your words of encouragement.
      Guilt really is an interesting emotion! It’s one I’ve struggled with my entire life, and the dissonance it creates within my heart and mind is hard to reconcile. Too often I let it be a major source of influence in my life especially in places where it should not be. This is clearly something I need to continue to work on and learn to take better control of.

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  12. I love that you have so much compassion and respect for your husband. I’m Fairly certain that he would not want to have children with anyone else, bio or adopted. You are his family. I hope that processing your guilty emotions can also help you put them behind you. I know that this will always be a part of you, but I also believe you can let go of the burden by talking about it. I hope you find comfort although I know the anger, disappointment and frustration are still there. Hugs.

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    • I figure compassion and respect are pretty much essential to a marriage, so yes, I do respect him immensely and I do have deep seeded compassion and love for him. And I know you are right, he want’s children with me – he has made the abundantly clear to me on more then on occasion. And for that, I am beyond grateful.
      As you say, I do hope that by processing these emotions I will learn to let the guilt go, and stop being so influenced by the emotions that are associated with guilt. With time and a bit more soul searching, I am optimistic that this will happen. Thank you so much for your encouragement and compassion for my internal emotional exploration.

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  13. I’m so sorry that these are emotions and experiences you have to process at all. What always shines out in your writing for me is how aligned you and Mr MPB are, and continue to be. You sound like an incredible team, bonded by a great love. Taking all this misery and turning it into more love between you, rather than using it each to poison the other, cannot always be easy, but it’s beautiful to read it in action. I hope you can find peace. xx

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    • Thank you so much for this – you are right, I do believe Mr. MPB and I are a great team bounded by a great love. I think the key for us so far is that we’ve both made the independent and joint decision to invest ourselves in doing this together.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Sweetheart, we cannot think like that! As you know, I am genetically defective and should never have been able to carry a child without significant and very costly medical intervention and have an immune system that has killed 8 babies (9 if we include the embryo that didn’t make it in this pregnancy). I get it. I really do. In fact I have said even as recently as last week to Mr. SBCH that I am sorry that he married a genetically and immunologically defective spouse. The irony in my case is that the one baby that snuck through ensured no more ever would by leaving a cell memory about how to be a better killer. And that memory worked. As you know from our private dialogue, the struggle to have another child has caused serious hardship in my marriage. I feel guilty about that. I felt my heart die a little yesterday when the Mr. asked me if I ever feel angry with this baby for everything that has gone wrong and the risk it poses even now to my life and health. How could I even think that way? But this is it, right? This is the rub. We feel a need to blame someone. In my Mr’s case it is the baby I chose to carry and nearly bankrupt us for because he cannot blame me. And it was me who drove this bus, right? And I blame me – as you blame you – because our bodies have not been wired the way almost every other woman’s bodies have been and ought to be wired (by which I simply mean that in an ideal world, IF and RPL would not exist). But this is not right, my friend. Mr. MPB and Mr. SBCH did not choose to have spouses whose bodies do not do the biological mother thing right. But neither did we. My friend, neither did we.

    There is no sense and zero compassion or justice in laying blame here. The physiological and in my case genetic facts are what they are. Beyond anyone’s control. If this were anyone else you would see in an instant the cruelty in laying blame or feeling shame or experiencing guilt (which you don’t believe in, remember?). I invite you to show yourself the same compassion and gentleness you would show me or any other woman in shoes not unlike your own. This is not your fault. It is okay to voice that. But there needs to be the other half of the conversation.

    Peace, friend. For us all.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh my sweet friend, I adore you. I adore the love you show yourself (even if it takes some effort to do it) and continue to encourage me to show myself (even if I’m a slow learner).
      As we’ve discussed offline, I believe you are right about needing to show myself more compassion just as I do anyone else going through IF/RPL. And as you say, I also really do need to start examining the other half of the conversation that I’m not voicing here. The side of it that I never voice and pay attention to.
      Yes, clearly I have some work to do. And I am grateful for your encouragement to continue to process these emotions and to dig further into it.
      Love to you my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Hugs… I had no doubt that Mr. MPB was an amazing man. Ever since I started following your blog, I knew he had to be a lot like T.. pretty damn special. I understand your feelings. This, these emotions, are just so hard to process. 😦 I’m so thankful you have someone pretty wonderful by your side.

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    • Yes, I think Mr. MP and T are pretty darn similar!! I too have thought this in the past. I am so thankful that we both have amazing partners to support us and love us through all of the good and the bad.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I have never been in your position so there is nothing I can say from an educated standpoint. However, my prayer is for healing and peace as you accept these devastating things.

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  17. I’m so sorry you carry this guilt. I won’t try to talk you out of it, I know guilt is invasive and permeates even the most rational brain. I’m glad you have such a wonderful support in your partner. xxx

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    • Yes, guilt really does have the power to permeate every element of our brains and hearts. I have struggled for most of my life with the invasive nature of guilt and need to work to stop letting it influence me so much! I’m not sure how to do it, but I am committed to working on it. Thank you so very much for your support.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. My heart breaks for you when I read this. ❤ I understand in my own way what it's like to have a "defective" body and feel guilty for it. My situation is obviously different from yours, but it's really hard not to feel guilty or to trust yourself when your body betrays you. However, I am sure that your husband does not blame you nor want to have a family with anyone else. He loves you for who you are and he knows you will be great parents together. As you work through all of these feelings, I hope you will remember to be kind to yourself because you deserve it! Much love coming your way! ❤

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    • I am always thankful for your supportive comments and understanding. As you say, our situations are different, yet in so many ways they are similar. I think once a person losses confidence in their body it becomes had to heal that wound and accept our imperfect selves. I know for me there has been a monumental shift in my relationship with my body, and it’s something very new and foreign to me.
      Thank you so much for your love, and support! I am not very good at being kind to myself, but I do hope to learn to work on it and get better at self-compassion. Thank you.
      Love to you as well my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, I agree that it is hard to heal from losing confidence in our bodies. I don’t know if one ever truly does heal all the way. I am glad you are learning and working toward being kind to yourself. It is very difficult for me too. Hugs!

        Liked by 1 person

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  20. Oh my lovely, I can so relate to everything you say here, our ‘issue’ being solely because of my broken body.
    Be kind to yourself and tell yourself, over and over, “It is NOT my fault”. When I was first instructed to do that by a therapist I physically could not say the words but they started to come and now they come easily, even if I often don’t truly believe them (I am just about to blog about my “guilt”).
    Sending you love.
    It is NOT your fault.

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    • Clearly we are thinking the same way today!! I hate that we both have such a hard time with our feelings of guilt, but I do love your approach of reminding ourselves that no matter what “IT IS NOT MY FAULT.” The reason we are both in our current situations is no fault of our own.
      Love to you as well my friend.

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