I want to run away.
I am disappointed that we’ve decided not to do our Northern Canada / Alaska road trip, and then we decided not to do the more affordable Iceland trip. I know why we made this decision, I know the money needs to go towards the cost of adoption, but I am still disappointed by the decision. And like normal for me, I want to figure out why I’m so disappointed by this.
I’m angry that I left the 2.5 year pregnancy bubble behind, just to enter a new one, now being referred to as adoption. Yes, adoption has many positives, like I can drink alcohol whenever I want and in whatever quantity I want (which sadly tends to be 2 drinks at most, I’m a lightweight now). I can and do enjoy sushi guilt free. I am excising regularly now and loving it.
But, I am not in a bubble controlled purely by finances because international adoption is so bloody expensive. I feel like I’m trapped in a new box, and that life is being put on hold in a new, but all too familiar way.
I’m so very annoyed by it. And it turns out I really hate the boxes I’ve been living in for the last few years. I hate feeling trapped inside a box, I find it suffocating.
It turns out, upon reflection I’ve discovered I love to run away. My passion for travel is deeper than just wanting to take in a new culture – yes, I love exploring and seeing the world, but there is more to it than that. It is also about wanting to escape my reality, when it sucks.
We intentionally ran away after our third loss – we hopped on a plane as quickly as we were responsibly able to and went to Peru. I threw myself into planning our trip from the very moment I was physically and mentally able – it was a wonderful distraction. We were intentionally busy every single day of our trip to ensure that we would be able to put our worries and heartache on the back burner for two weeks. In fact, we didn’t bring any technology with us and made a point not to check our email or anything. We also told people in our lives not to contact us unless someone needed our kidneys for an immediate lifesaving surgery – if we couldn’t change the outcome of something, we wanted to be left alone and not have any additional worries on our minds for 2 weeks. We needed a break, like really needed a break. It worked, for all of two weeks. When we got home, all our worries were still very much real, they had not gone away.
I am now realizing that this running away approach is a long standing approach of mine. When I was able to move out of my parent’s house, I went straight to New Zealand. I literally went half way across the world to get away. Most teenagers would have simply moved out and gone to college, but not I, I needed to put the Pacific Ocean between us. I needed space to live my way. I needed to not be the girl whose mom and sister died a few years ago. I need to not be the girl who felt abandoned by her father. I needed to go far enough away that I couldn’t be hurt anymore by the people I love. It turns out, when I cam home I was still that girl. I am still and will always be the girl whose mom and sister died, who feels forgotten and still gets hurt by those I love from time to time. I realize now that distance doesn’t change reality. As it turns out, I am still that girl and always will be because these experience, good and bad, make me the person I am.
I now realize that traveling for me is in part running away. And this running away is only a temporary reprieve from whatever the stress and anxiety of the moment is. I realize that each time I run away, I come back to what is because the stress doesn’t magically evaporate
Yet, even with this realization, I still want to go away.
Simply, I do not want to live in a predetermined box that is not a box of my choosing. I do not want to put life on hold for an adoption that is likely at least a year away, if not even longer.
Instead, I still I want to reap the physical and mental health benefits of taking a vacation. I want a break from the stress and pure agony that the adoption process is in this very moment. I want to temporarily leave my worries behind. I want to connect with Mr. MPB in the way that we always do when we are traveling – it’s truly just the two of us when we are exploring. I want to embrace my freedom and my lack of responsibility while I have it, because seriously this is about the only perk of the adoption process. I want to live for the moment. I want to enjoy life. I just want to have fun, is that really too much to ask?
Since I know we cannot do any extravagant vacations this year now matter how much I want to, I’ve decided to push my nagging desire to go somewhere more extravagant to the side and focus on enjoying our summer at home and exploring our own part of the world. I plan to force Mr. MPB to take a few long weekends to go camping, hiking and fishing in the Rocky Mountains – really, we live in a pretty awesome part of the world so we might as well enjoy it. I plan to make the most of what we can do and ensure that we have some fun this summer.
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