Running Away

I want to run away.

I am disappointed that we’ve decided not to do our Northern Canada / Alaska road trip, and then we decided not to do the more affordable Iceland trip. I know why we made this decision, I know the money needs to go towards the cost of adoption, but I am still disappointed by the decision.  And like normal for me, I want to figure out why I’m so disappointed by this.

I’m angry that I left the 2.5 year pregnancy bubble behind, just to enter a new one, now being referred to as adoption. Yes, adoption has many positives, like I can drink alcohol whenever I want and in whatever quantity I want (which sadly tends to be 2 drinks at most, I’m a lightweight now). I can and do enjoy sushi guilt free. I am excising regularly now and loving it.

20150421 - Running AwayBut, I am not in a bubble controlled purely by finances because international adoption is so bloody expensive. I feel like I’m trapped in a new box, and that life is being put on hold in a new, but all too familiar way.

I’m so very annoyed by it. And it turns out I really hate the boxes I’ve been living in for the last few years. I hate feeling trapped inside a box, I find it suffocating.

It turns out, upon reflection I’ve discovered I love to run away. My passion for travel is deeper than just wanting to take in a new culture – yes, I love exploring and seeing the world, but there is more to it than that. It is also about wanting to escape my reality, when it sucks.

20141106 - With Love Always, Your Little Sister2We intentionally ran away after our third loss – we hopped on a plane as quickly as we were responsibly able to and went to Peru. I threw myself into planning our trip from the very moment I was physically and mentally able – it was a wonderful distraction. We were intentionally busy every single day of our trip to ensure that we would be able to put our worries and heartache on the back burner for two weeks. In fact, we didn’t bring any technology with us and made a point not to check our email or anything. We also told people in our lives not to contact us unless someone needed our kidneys for an immediate lifesaving surgery – if we couldn’t change the outcome of something, we wanted to be left alone and not have any additional worries on our minds for 2 weeks. We needed a break, like really needed a break. It worked, for all of two weeks. When we got home, all our worries were still very much real, they had not gone away.

I am now realizing that this running away approach is a long standing approach of mine. When I was able to move out of my parent’s house, I went straight to New Zealand. I literally went half way across the world to get away. Most teenagers would have simply moved out and gone to college, but not I, I needed to put the Pacific Ocean between us. I needed space to live my way. I needed to not be the girl whose mom and sister died a few years ago. I need to not be the girl who felt abandoned by her father. I needed to go far enough away that I couldn’t be hurt anymore by the people I love. It turns out, when I cam home I was still that girl. I am still and will always be the girl whose mom and sister died, who feels forgotten and still gets hurt by those I love from time to time. I realize now that distance doesn’t change reality.  As it turns out, I am still that girl and always will be because these experience, good and bad, make me the person I am.

I now realize that traveling for me is in part running away.  And this running away is only a temporary reprieve from whatever the stress and anxiety of the moment is. I realize that each time I run away, I come back to what is because the stress doesn’t magically evaporate

Yet, even with this realization, I still want to go away.

Simply, I do not want to live in a predetermined box that is not a box of my choosing. I do not want to put life on hold for an adoption that is likely at least a year away, if not even longer.

Instead, I still I want to reap the physical and mental health benefits of taking a vacation. I want a break from the stress and pure agony that the adoption process is in this very moment. I want to temporarily leave my worries behind. I want to connect with Mr. MPB in the way that we always do when we are traveling – it’s truly just the two of us when we are exploring. I want to embrace my freedom and my lack of responsibility while I have it, because seriously this is about the only perk of the adoption process. I want to live for the moment. I want to enjoy life. I just want to have fun, is that really too much to ask?

Since I know we cannot do any extravagant vacations this year now matter how much I want to, I’ve decided to push my nagging desire to go somewhere more extravagant to the side and focus on enjoying our summer at home and exploring our own part of the world.  I plan to force Mr. MPB to take a few long weekends to go camping, hiking and fishing in the Rocky Mountains – really, we live in a pretty awesome part of the world so we might as well enjoy it.  I plan to make the most of what we can do and ensure that we have some fun this summer.

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49 Comments on “Running Away

  1. This is so important that you recognize why you feel the way you do and what you need. I hope that you enjoy your upcoming trip.

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  2. I run away on vacations too! I have recently tried to reintegrate myself in my real life, trying hard not to have to run away. Great post! Also, Machu Picchu is on my short list for my next big trip (whenever that is). I also lived in New Zealand (in my early twenties as a college study abroad student)…what a cool coincidence! I have realized when I plan more in my days I am happier, so I try hard to make dates with girlfriends and stick to my workouts. Hugs to you. I know the feeling!

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    • Thank you for this – it is so nice to know that my desire to run is not unique! I am working really hard at reintegrating myself as well, but my desire to run is still very strong right now. I guess being stuck here will hopefully make me work harder at keeping myself busy at home.
      I highly recommend a trip to Machu Picchu! If you ever manage to go let me know and I’ll share all our tips – we had a wonderful time. And, I love that we both lived in NZ!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m 100% with you on this – I also always want to run away and be elsewhere when things get tough. I’m so sorry that you’re now constrained by finances – just when you thought things may get a bit easier, this is a another bloody hurdle. Good for you for exploring closer to home, that sounds like a brilliant plan and i’m sure that just being away from home will help clear your heads and give you some new energy xx

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  4. For me, traveling is a way to find transcendence. It is the easiest way to find moments that lift you out of yourself because you are literally removed from the circumstances that define you. If you lean into it, you aren’t running away but connecting with a world that is larger than yourself.

    There are, of course, ways to find that perspective that don’t involve hopping on a plane. After a few years of trial and error, I’ve found that going to concerts, running, and hiking do it for me. You will find your own path, I have no doubt.

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    • I’ve always had a very similar perspective as you about the power of traveling to connect with the world that is larger than typical day-to-day life. So for me to realize part of my desire to travel was to run away was very eye opening for me.
      And I think you are right about learning that I do not have to travel halfway across the world to get the same satisfaction. I just have to embrace this and give it a try. And since I now don’t have a choice, there is no time like the present to give it a try. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I can totally understand your need to get away and leave it all behind. Reality is hard and it’s so nice to leave it behind sometimes. I hope that you can get Mr. MPB to leave work behind several times this summer to enjoy the areas around you! 🙂

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    • Thanks so much for understanding my desire to run away from reality sometimes! I too hope we can get away for a few long weekends. And I hope you and J get to enjoy your road trip!

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  6. Travel like this (for us) is like a deep breath after drowning for a while. So I GUESS it could be called running away but it’s more of a recovery thing.

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    • I love your perspective!! I had a big conversation with my counsellor about this yesterday and she worries that I’m wanting to travel so much to run away, not to recover. But I’m with you, yes there is an element of running, but it’s more about needing a break.

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  7. Travel is always a wonderful way of getting out of your regular routine, and I find it ALWAYS provides me with some “aha!” moments for one thing or another in my life. It’s so important to be able to leave it all behind sometimes.

    PS – take me in your suitcase? 😉

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  8. i totally agree, sometimes it’s nice to just leave life behind and just be with your significant other and focus on each other. it’s all there when you come back but being away allows you to look at things with a different set of eyes.

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  9. I’m amazed at how much you and I are alike. On Sunday when I thought everything was doomed, I was planning a trip for xmas time. I didn’t care that we would pay a premium for traveling at peak time. I wanted to make sure we could get away. Traveling is such a good escape. Long weekends sound like a nice compromise for now. I hate that you have to compromise though.

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    • It does seem like we are quite alike. 🙂
      Did you book your Christmas trip?? We’ve only traveled once over Christmas (not including travel to see family) and we absolutely loved it!

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  10. Get out of my head!! This morning I was just talking about “escape.” I meant running away from the entire IVF / Adoption Merry Go Round. We are finally taking a vacation in May for a week. It will be awesome!! Breaks / Vacations are necessary. You have been through a lot. Definitely take a break and rest and relax.

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    • Oh the adoption merry go round – I’ve had just about enough of it! Anyways, I’m so happy for you that you get to take a week long vacation in May – I think it will do wonders for you!!

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  11. I SO understand your desire to run away, to put life on hold for a few weeks, to be so totally immersed in something else there is no time to feel. In fact i run away in 5 days. I dont explore, im too anxious, but i like being somewhere pretty where i can be waited on, where i can indulge myself guilt free.

    Ive spent a lot of time pregnant in the last 18 months so know how u feel to be in that box, doing everything right, to no avail, it seems natural to want to break free.

    And although it doesnt fix things, being away gives the heart and mind a break. I do feel like im a coward for running, that im so weak for going but its either that or break.

    Fight or flight, right now its flight and i make no apologies for it.

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    • Thank you for sharing this, you are right, it is either fight or flight and sometimes all you can do is flight. And that’s okay because you are doing what’s best for you, and what you clearly need. I don’t for a second think you are a coward or weak for running – I think you are smart to know that you need to give your heart and mind a break. Sending you love my friend.

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  12. I think all of these feelings are completely normal. I have so many of these feelings often. It will all be worth it hun!

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  13. I am totally with you on the running away. It’s kind of killing me right now that we have absolutely nothing planned travel-wise. I want to GO. Anywhere. As I was driving to work this morning, I was trying to think of a way that I could sneak in something different enough that it feels like an adventure without actually going away.

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    • I understand everything you said here – it’s nice just to have some sort of trip to look forward to! 🙂
      I too am looking for local adventures, hopefully we both are successful in finding something that fills our current desires.

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  14. Yes…I want to run away too! It’s just all too consuming…ALL of it. And now that I’m figuring out what to do next….it just makes me feel like I want to run. And travel and not think about HOW I’m going to have a child…whatever way…I just don’t want to think about it right now. I wish someone could figure it out for me and I could just say…yes…that works…and be done. Too many years of disappointment…we need some fun times…and I think wherever you all go…it will be fun because you’ll make it fun…just the 2 of you 🙂 And exploring your part of the world sounds amazing…I might just have to do the same with my hubby. And remember if you’re ever down by me…we MUST meet up 🙂 xoxo

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    • I hate so much that you understand all of this, and yet I am so thankful that I am not alone. I am beyond grateful for your words of encouragement and I think you are right, while long weekends doesn’t sound as dramatic and fun, we will make it fun because we can. 🙂
      I promise you, if we are ever down near you, and I expect at some point we will be, you will know. 🙂
      And, I hope you are also able to find some sort of escape. Clearly, we both need it right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. I, too, am a runner. It’s good that you see it, but I don’t think it should hinder you from something you love. I’m glad you two will be able to explore some more of your near-by places! I hear Washington State is gorgeous this time of year ;)You’re amazing, I am always inspired by you! XO and happy travels (even though they’ll be a little closer to home this year).

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    • I think you are right, it’s good to acknowledge that part of my passion for traveling is my desire to run, but I also shouldn’t let it hinder me. 🙂
      Washington State is pretty beautiful…who knows, maybe we’ll head that way this summer. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  16. I like that you’re going to try to make the most of your year of non-travel and explore the area you live in a bit more. I hope you guys find some awesome places to explore and have a wonderful time doing it! Make sure to take lots of pictures! 😉

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  17. Oooh girl, I so feel you here — both about the tight little boxes and running away. I love to travel and run away from my problems. I also used to move every year for that same reason. Breaks are SO need, though, no matter what the reason, so I am glad you will at least be able to take long weekends. I am dying to go on vacay as well, but every penny will need to be saved at this point for potential adoption.

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    • Thanks for understanding – it’s so frustrating just how expensive it is to grow a family the non-traditional way! I hope you guys are able to also find a few little mini-escapes to help recharge through everything. 🙂

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  18. Vacations and little getaways are so important, they rejuvenate your soul, your relationship with the world, your hope and sense of contentment, your curiosity. The trips you’ve already taken sound amazing. I too wish I could run away before becoming a parent, but a saving money and energy is a must. Hang in there!

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    • They say parenting changes your perspective on things like how you spend your money, and clearly we are both doing that already by choosing not to travel in anticipation of future costs. It makes sense and it’s the responsible thing to do. 🙂

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  19. Trips are so important! We’re going to be doing similar long weekend camping trips as we are also too financially drained for a “proper holiday”. Hoping you have some beautiful getaways!

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    • I hate that you too are in the same situation, but I do hope you have some pretty awesome long weekend camping trips. At least we will both get all kinds of fresh-air this summer while camping. 🙂

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  20. Golly. I could have written much of this post. I have been feeling this desperate need for a vacation – a real vacation – for ages. It’s gotten so much worse since I’ve been grounded by my uncooperative placenta and the knowledge that we cannot afford even a modest vacation thanks to the tens of thousands I spent not just last year but the tens of thousands the year before that trying to have this child. Like you I have used travel to run away. I don’t want to do that now – well, truth be told I do but I know I need to look at that and work through those feelings so I can actually enjoy and live my next vacation, not just hitch a ride on an escape vehicle only to be smacked down by reality the second I return. I hope hope hope you wrangle with your feelings and needs and find a way to get what you want and what you need in your next trip.

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    • I find the second I am told I cannot do something, the more I want to just go do it! Which could explain why the fact that we are not traveling is bugging me so much. Anyways, I can imagine how much more you’ve wanted to run away since you’ve been “grounded” – that would just drive me mad. I think you are wise to try to figure out all of your feelings around this before you do get the chance to take your next real vacation, whenever that might be.

      Liked by 1 person

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