Can I sound Crazy for a Moment?
Please bear with me, I think I’m going to sound slightly crazy today.
There is a part of me that is dreading actually having a child.
There I said it. My secret is out.
I never thought, even for a second, I’d feel this way. Even if it’s just a tiny feeling inside.
Now, let me explain.
So, we began learning to live without. We began focusing our efforts on embracing the life we had, not the life we wanted. Yes, we chose adoption, and yes, we keep pushing towards it and will continue to do so.
We go to dinner from time to time, without concern for time or responsibilities.
We sleep! We sleep through the night (mostly). We can sleep in on the weekends, if we want to. I can nap in the afternoon if I really want to. I can stay up until 2 am or 10pm. Really, whatever my heart desires.
I can shower whenever I want and take as long as I want. I can do my hair. Heck, I could even put on make-up if I want to (I don’t want to, but I do have the choice). Virtually nothing on earth in my life right now is going to impact my ability clean and care for myself.
Being DINK (dual-income, no kids) we bought things for ourselves without much thought, almost whenever we wanted – like a bike or a new pair of shoes or the fancy cheese (this was easier to do while we were trying, but money is tighter now with adoption costs).
Our house is an adult house – it is very evident that children do not live here. There are no plastic toys scattered about. In fact the only thing scattered about is dog hair, and that drives me crazy enough.
And you know what, I like my house this way!
This is how we lived before recurrent pregnancy loss, as two professionals without children, happily. And, we’ve fought hard to return to the happy part of that lifestyle.
We know the adoption will happen one day, but we are trying not to focus on it, because the wait is hard. We are doing some baby stuff as we are getting ourselves as prepared as we can, but I am trying desperately hard not to focus on it. This is mainly out of self-preservation, I know I will drive myself and Mr. MPB crazy if all I do is think about the unknown timeline. So instead, we try to live for today.
So, now that our adoption is more imminent, meaning that we could get a call tomorrow, I’ve realized that part of me (no matter how small) is dreading changing our lives again. It’s like I have baby jitters.
I’ve become comfortable.
And yet, as much as I am dreading having to give up my self-centered ways, there are so many things I am excited for, that do outweigh the jitters.
While I am not excited at all for plastic baby toys everywhere, I am excited to watch our child grow and develop. I am excited for first smiles, first laughs, and even baby cries in the middle of the night. I am excited for the scent of a baby in the house. I am so excited for baby to meet dog and to watch their friendship grow. And above all else, I am excited to watch Mr. MPB become a father (he will be an amazing dad) and me become a mother.
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