I wrote a post about mother’s day (it is available at the bottom of this one). It was short and conscience. It was written about a week earlier and I even had it scheduled to go up bright and early on May 11. But, I got to thinking. Although the original post still holds true in respect to one particular feeling, it doesn’t capture how I’m really feeling. If you read between the lines, it actually does a great job of capturing my desire to hide from mother’s day. So, I’ve decided to share the original post (see the end of this one), but, I am also re-writing my mother’s day post now, at 2:30 on Saturday. I will still schedule it to be posted tomorrow morning because I still plan to wake up bright and early and weather permitting head to the mountains for the day and do not want to get distracted with attempting to re-write this again. So, I am going to give you a bit more of the real thoughts going on in my head, the feelings that I’ve been hiding from all week. So, here goes:

I am a mother. No-one will recognize this, but I am a mother. I don’t expect phone calls, emails or texts from my parents, family or friends tomorrow acknowledging this. I would probably find it awkward if anyone did call, but more than the awkwardness I would really appreciate that they thought about us today. I am a mother even if this is never acknowledged publicly, and that’s okay. And if this is forever our future, I will be okay with that. I refuse to live a life of self-pity because I do not get to be celebrated on this hallmark day.

I am a mother. I have four babies that never took a breath. Oddly enough, I have more dead babies then I ever even wanted living (I always ideally wanted 2 and at most 3 kids).

I am a mother, yet I was never one of those little girls who dreamed of having babies – I instead focused on getting the next A+ and doing that next thing perfectly. Whatever it was – high school, soccer, university, work, volunteering – it didn’t matter, I was going to execute the task at hand with near perfection and put my full focus and effort into ensuring I did it successfully. Truthfully, I don’t even like most kids – I find them somewhat annoying and needy. But, I always knew I wanted a couple of my own one day and that I’d make a decent mom. I wouldn’t be perfect, I’d probably be too demanding with too high of expectations. But I always knew I would be a decent mom, and that I could do it because my husband is amazing and would make up for all my deficiencies.

So today, I sit here thinking, I am a mother. I absolutely am a mom. No matter what our future brings, today and forever, I am a mother. I have not had years of practice, I have not changed diapers, I have not been to kindergarten graduation celebrations, nor have I watched our baby take their first steps. But I am a mother. I have experienced the unwavering love and hope that goes along with being a mother. I have dreamed about my child’s future as all mother’s do. I have made life and death parenting decisions that I never wish upon any other parent. Through miscarriages, I have experienced and learned the key parenting lesson that you cannot always help your children, no matter how much you want to or how hard you try. I have experienced saying goodbye to all my children. I continue to experience unwavering love and affection for my babies.  I am a mother.

And I will cherish this day and all days for what it means to me, to be the mommy to my babies who never made it.

………………..

Original Mother’s Day Post entitled My Mother’s Day:

My mom is dead.

My 4 babies are dead.

Mother’s day, probably not the best day of the year for me at this point in my life.

But, I’m really not one to sit around and feel sorry for myself and to dwell on the negative. So, asides from a quick text to my step-mom, I plan to boycott.

I think I shall spend the day in the mountains. I will invite my husband and our doggie. We will have a great day enjoying fresh air and maybe some sunshine – hopefully it will be as nice as the day we took this photo (a few years ago).