So Close And Yet So Far

Everyone says not to get too far ahead of yourself in the adoption world.  Don’t set up the nursery until you have the baby.  Don’t start buying things until the revocation period is over. Starting getting only the absolute necessities, but nothing personal until everything is finalized.  Really, it seems like with all things parenting, there is a waiting adoptive parent list of “don’t do this, but do that”.  And it seems like most things are on the don’t list, particularly everything about preparing your home for baby.

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Looking back, we’ve found a way to push the fear of another loss to the side.  One day I opened up the only baby, a replica chair, item I bought during the naive years.  We got excited about adoption.  We started putting together the nursery.  Most recently we’ve moved from buying only things we absolutely need to buying things we want like cute little alphabet blocks.

The combination of being two very practical people and dealing with the cost of adoption, we’ve been realistic about our purchases so far.  Nearly every single item has been purchased second hand.  We search for deals and buy once we find a deal.  So far our new items include a crib and mattress, and IKEA storage cart and a $19 IKEA high chair (and we do intend to purchase our car seat new).  I did intend to get a fancy high chair with lots of bells and whistles, but at $19 with a 4.5/5 rating, we decided to take a gamble on the cheap one and hope this isn’t a sign of some sort of parental neglect.

We were told about a local baby consignment store so we bought a few gender neutral onesies, we found a second hand Bob Revolution stroller for a steal of a deal online and we got a used Snap-And-Go stroller for next to nothing.  The dresser in the nursery was purchased used and the bookshelf was re-purposed from another room in our home.  We bought a fully washable Mamaroo and pack n’ play second hand for great prices.  I’ve even started buying books at a garage sale to help reduce the cost of my book buying addiction (it’s a real problem, seriously).

Honestly, we are doing pretty well at conserving our pennies and stretching our dollar to maximize our purchases.  And, the real bonus is that by doing this over months we aren’t feeling too broke (so long as we don’t think about the real adoption costs)

Heck, we’ve even received our first ever baby gifts, something I swore I wouldn’t do until we actually had a child in our arms.  And you know what, it felt great!  It was so wonderful to feel the excitement of others in our lives.20150630 - Amazed

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It hit me today, maybe we’ve gone to far into the list of don’ts.  Maybe we are doing too much to prepare ourselves and our house to welcome our child.  Maybe we are getting ahead of ourselves.

What if it takes us years to be matched?  What if we end up with everything except a baby?

Or worse yet, what if we are matched and it turns into a failed adoption?  (Side note – I’m all for a birth mother’s right to parent, but let’s be real, given our history I know a failed adoption will cripple me).

What if we end up going through multiple failed adoptions and eventually decide to walk away because the years of hurt take their toll on us?

Today I cannot help but wonder when something will actually happen.  Will we actually ever hold our forever baby in our arms?

I fear that we are so close, and yet so far.

I know we’ve come a long way already, and most days I just hope the rest of the journey to our child(ren) is short, but honestly, what if it’s not?

I’m trying not to live in my fears.  I’m trying to acknowledge them and push them aside, but honestly today I feel like I was hit in the head with a dose of the on my god, we’ve let our guard down.  If we end up hurt again it’s going to destroy me.  I know, it’s not a healthy way to live, but for some reason that’s all I can think about today.

I don’t want to stop embracing our future.  I want to be excited.  I want to live in today and hope for tomorrow.  Honestly, it’s a good way to live, particularly after putting our lives on hold for so long.  So, I am not going to listen the don’t list or my fears.  Instead, we are going to continue to prepare for our child who will, hopefully one day very soon, join our lives.

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58 Comments on “So Close And Yet So Far

  1. BEST. HIGH CHAIR. EVER! Pop the legs off and chuck it in the dishwasher… No nooks and crannies to harbour germs, stable, lovely height to join mum and dad at the table. Good call 🙂 I’m sorry you’re feeling wobbly. The reality is you could need all these things in days, right? In the battle of hope versus nerves, hope always has to win with kids, now and at every single step in future. I think you guys are calling it just right. Take care xx

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so very much for your encouragement. I think you are right, we have to keep holding onto hope now and when we actually do have children.
      Also, I love hearing that it’s a great chair! We were honestly pretty worried that we were being too cheap, so I’m thrilled to hear that you love yours!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel so hopeful and positive for you!! All of these things will be in full use in the future. And you know what? If there are bumps along the way you CAN handle it. You have proved that beyond measure. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re doing the right thing… trust me when I say, you would be feeling the same thing if you were preparing for a biological child right now. The unknowns are scary. We just have to trust 🙂 cute stuff!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh Hon, I am sorry. I wish I could reassure you that a failed adoption won’t happen, but we all know they do. However, even if it does happen, I do still think that you will get your match at some point and will be able to use all the awesome stuff you have gotten. Both of the couples in our small group at Church have had failed adoptions. One couple now has 3 adopted children and the other one just got matched with their first a couple of months ago. I think he’s 2 or 3 months now. They both have said how hard that was, but once they had their babies in their arms, they knew that these children were meant to be theirs. I know in my heart that you will be a Mom of a baby here on earth; I just wish it didn’t have to take so long for that dream to come true for you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you for being so real – you are right, we know failed adoption happen and there is a chance that either one of us could go through a failed adoption. But, we also cannot let that fear stop us.
      And even more important, I know we will be there for each other no matter what, which really does help me cope with the fear.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Absolutely! I love that we know without a doubt that we have each other’s backs. I am so excited for the day that we introduce our children to each other because I know that will happen some day.

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  5. Well, you got no choice except to move forward with hope. It will happen some day, and as you say, maybe it will take months, or years or maybe you will get the matched call within a week. The uncertainties are there even when you are carrying your own baby, but we don’t stop hoping right? Isnt that what makes this crazy ride bearable?

    I am hopeful for you, I know your baby is just waiting for you to come and pick him/her up. It will happen, it has to happen.

    on a side note, we have a saying back home which roughly translates to, if you say the same thing 100 times, it will happen at least once. that’s the physical power of your thought. So keep believing and keep positive. It will happen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are so right, we really don’t have a choice! I refuse to live in the dark place that we did for so long and that means that we just have embrace the hope that eventually an adoption will happen for us.
      And thank you for sharing that saying. I think there is some merit to it, eventually it will come true. 🙂

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  6. As they say in the movies, “$£!& just got real!” 🙂
    I’m very excited for you. I think I can understand the idea that you’re worried about a failed adoption, and I bet that is really scary, but I think if you have been approved then that means that at some point in the near future you will have a little one matched with you! It’s super exciting to have all those things waiting for him / her. I love the chair – so funky! I think everything you’re feeling must be what every expectant mother feels – that sort of trepidation about the unknown! But you have to trust that it will happen, because it will! X

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    • Haha, good quote! Yes, the movies have this one right. 🙂
      And even more, I think you are right about the trepidation about the unknown – that’s really where the fear rests. We cannot control it, so I’m trying really hard not to focus on trying to.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so certain that you’re going to be a mom, so I’m glad you’re getting prepared for your baby 🙂 BTW, we have that green rocking chair at the library and it’s still going strong after 7 years of use by kids and their parents.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I love your confidence! Most days I am too, but today it was nice to hear it from someone else, thank you. 🙂
      Glad to know that the green rocking chair has held up so well! The one we have will only ever fit a little person (i.e. not adult sized) so I’m hopeful that it will hold up well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I love that you are allowing yourself to enjoy this time… You totally deserve too!! And you are right, we cant constantly be living in fear of the “what ifs”. I love all of your baby thigs so far, adorable ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I hate fear – it just robs us of so much joy. I’m glad you are not listening to the list of what to do or not do but instead trying to enjoy this time and allow yourself the pleasure of being excited. You deserve that! And I’m excited with you and so hopeful that everything is going to work out and that it won’t be a long wait. XOXO!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are right, fear does rob us of joy! And sometimes it’s hard to see hope through it all, but I’m working really hard to today and hopefully the wait wont be too long. 🙂

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  10. It’s almost like you’re nesting. 🙂 I understand your fears, but I am glad you’re not letting them rain on your happiness. There are lots of things that can go wrong, but there are lots that can go ‘right’, too, and that’s exactly what’s going to happen for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you are right, in a way we are nesting. And it’s about freaking time too. 🙂
      Also, thank you for reminding me that a lot of things can go “right” to – that’s exactly what I need to focus on, especially in my fearful moments. 🙂

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  11. I think it is great that you are breaking the barriers. You deserve to be excited. You deserve every victory in buying such a great item at a low price. As I might not fully understand your fear of failed adoptions, I do understand that it will be so painful. I sure hope you don’t have to go through anymore pain. I hope more than anything you are matched very soon.

    I wouldn’t feel to bad about breaking the norms. Again you and your hubby deserve to be excited and happy just like any expectant mother and father. Because that is what you guys are. Your expectant mother, getting everything prepared for your future little one.

    Oh and by the way! I love your items. I am looking at a few of those items myself. I am going to check out that high chair. Sending you a big hug. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for all of your encouragement and hope!
      I have no idea how great the high chair will be, it’s still currently sitting in pieces on the floor of the nursery, but for $19 we decided it’s totally worth trying it. And a few people commented that they love it, so that’s a good sign. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I love how your baby stuff is coming together. You’ve picked some awesome items too- the Snap and Go was highly recommended to us, and the no-frills high chair is awesome too- less upholstery to have to clean. We got a no-frills feeding seat that just clips onto any chair, which was recommended to us by my twin mama friend. She loves how portable it is, and I suspect that the legs on yours will come off and be portable too. I love the art you’ve got going on as well.

    If there’s anything this rocky journey has taught me, it’s that there so much that’s out of our control. We just need to do what we can to stay sane in those moments, and just trust that we have all the support that we need if things take us off course a bit.

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    • We actually got a portable one too as one of the gifts we received – we know it will be on the go with us all the time, so we thought one for at home only would probably be a good idea. Also, I have to admit I don’t want to use the portable one at home and possibly damage the leather on our kitchen table chairs from consistent use. And if for $19 dollars I can spare my chairs from possible damage I’m a happy camper. 🙂
      Also, thank you. You are so right, so much is out of our control that we just have to do what’s right for us. And thankfully, I know that you and many others in my extended blogging family will be there to help pick up the pieces should we end up in shattered once again in the future.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha our furniture is mostly hand-me-down, so we don’t worry too much about it getting damaged I guess haha. I have a good feeling about things working out for you guys, but yes, we’re here for you- 24/7.

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      • Our kitchen table and chairs is one of the first real purchases we made on our own. It took us 2 full years to find – I refused to pay thousands of dollars and eventually we found it for a really good price ($689 – I still remember I was so impressed with it). So, now I’m slightly protective of it. 🙂
        And we are here for you too!! 24/7. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  13. We have the same crib and stroller :). And you know, there are no guarantees in life. I’m able to get pregnant easily but still haven’t taken a living baby home… Yet we’re still celebrating my current pregnancy and preparing for the best. My spouse calls it reckless optimism. It’s hope. And even if disappointment comes, it doesn’t hurt less from a place of cynicism – we’ve learned that! So keep hoping and buying away!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m like you, able to get pregnant easily, but the second part is not so easy.
      I hope every day that your current pregnancy has the ideal ending, and that you bring your wiggling baby home into your arms, I love your spouses terminology – reckless optimism. I think that’s about all you and I can at this point! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Go you! Push those fears aside and look forward to your dreams coming true. You know you’re already a mom…that’s why you are nesting/planning/getting ready for the big day! I’m so excited for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I know this baby is coming. I say nay to the list of don’ts. Out to the curb on garbage day with that list!

    You have way more stuff than we did by the time the MT was born (a function of our paranoia that he wouldn’t really make it home to us – there’s an appreciable positive distinction to carrying after RPL versus adopting though I can only imagine and empathize with how challenging it is for you two not to know when baby may enter your lives). I don’t think you’ll be waiting years. I can’t say why. Just a feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I think you’re absolutely doing the right thing by being prepared early. Who cares what “they” say to do or not to do. I’ve always been one to do what I want anyway, and I’d be doing the same thing. If you can prepare yourself ahead of time, especially with the big items, I think that’s the smart way to go about it. Once you get matched, you’re going to be running around worrying about other stuff, not wanting to go shopping and looking for the best deal on baby items. You will definitely have your baby in your arms one day, try not to stress about that. It is just a matter of time. I know it’s so hard to wait, and the longer it takes, the more doubts you can conjure up in your head. But it WILL happen, I promise!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Amy! I think you make a great point about having the big stuff dealt with before we are even matched because we will have no desire or time to find the “best” deals at that point.
      And thank you for your hope and optimism! I really do hope that the wait is relatively short so that we aren’t left facing increasing doubts and paranoia.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Me too. Maybe you’ll get a nice Christmas present this year?!?! I think about you guys every single day, and hope that someone is looking at your book right now and realizing you will be awesome parents. That reminds me…I need to email you something 🙂

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    • Oh my, that’s exactly what we’ve done!! The door is still shut almost all the time (partly to keep the dog out as we are keeping it a dog free room). But, we are still buying stuff and our house is starting to have evidence of a future kid in it. One day at a time. 🙂

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      • I can tell you once you cross over into the ”safe zone” even if that means your child is home with you, it will seem weird to have that door open! There are so many transitions along the way. (we also keep the door shut most of the time to keep the fur babies out)

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  17. Absolutely..you should not live in a ‘don’t list’. And besides, you haven’t gone crazy buying things…it’s going to happen, come what may! You are going to be a mummy! And a smart one too…ikea is the best!! I love buying young kids gifts from there, you get so much more value for money!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement. I really need it today. 🙂
      And, I love IKEA kids too! I didn’t realize just how much until we went shopping the other day and i noticed all the wood toys (I despise plastic toys and have no desire to have my house covered in them) 🙂

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  18. As someone who can be a bit obsessive about being prepared I always say it is better to be over prepared than under prepared 🙂 I think this process is important for you and it seems to be bringing you joy and keeping your hope-meter nice and full which is so important!
    I truly believe your baby is coming 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I like your approach, better to be over prepared then under prepared! That’s how I typically am, but then at some point during all our losses we switched and so it’s become a process to undo that way of thinking. As you say, it’s probably been a very important process for me. 🙂

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  19. The only thing stronger than fear is hope! I have been feeling exactly the same way since I had the bleeding a few weeks ago. It was like I finally let my guard down and thought “this is really happening!” and then BAM — a reminder that it can all be stolen from us in an instant. It’s hard not to let the fears completely overtake you, but I also think that if you don’t let yourself get excited you’ll just end up lost in the darkness of worry. Not to mention that as another extremely practical person I’ve been buying all kinds of baby stuff despite everyone telling me to “wait for the shower” because if I get stuck with a huge bill at the end, scrambling to get what others didn’t I will be a wreck! I can’t even imagine how paranoid I would be if people kept telling me to wait for the baby him/herself! That’s just crazy talk!

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    • Yes, I think you’re onto something – the only thing stronger then fear is hope! 🙂 And “if you don’t let yourself get excited you’ll just end up lost in the darkness of worry”, also so very true! I know I’ve spend my fair share of time in that darkness, so it’s nice to be holding onto hope ans seeing beyond the fears. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  20. At some point, we just have to say, “fuck it, I’m all in.”. I bought our nursery bedding before we ever even tried to get pregnant and I swore that that purchase jinxed us. It didn’t. I was just being irrational. 😉

    Spreading out purchases is a great idea. We started buying the big stuff, one a month, at 20 weeks and it was so much easier to stomach…. And easier to but what we wanted versus, ‘ this is cheaper and we’ve spent enough in the last few weeks.’

    I’m excited for you. You sound so ready!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think you are right, and that’s where are today. We’re all in. And if it goes wrong, we’ll be devastated. But if it goes right, well, we’ll finally be parents and that’s the dream come true!
      I love that you also spread out the pain of the expensive purchases. We finally decided that if we end up with a child in 2 months or 12 months we will need some of the same stuff, so it was time for us to just jump in. The personal stuff is harder for us to get still, but that too will come with time. 🙂

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  21. I want to think of it this way – you are telling the universe that you are ready for this baby, that you want it to work. You are prepared and thoughtful. And god damnit – the universe better listen. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Your fears are very real, but you wanna know something?! Prayer and hope and faith and positive thinking are super real as well! When you put all those positive things and love into the universe, well, you’re pretty likely to get all of that back. And you know?! WHAT IF? What’s if things don’t go the way you plan for them to? What if NOTHING goes how you want? But WHAT IF they do?! There’s always that too! I’m always thinking of you and praying for the very best!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for reminding me of how powerful all the good things are too! You are right, focusing on the good stuff, the hope and the positive thinking is pretty amazing. Sometimes it’s hard to play the what if game fairly, but you make such good points, what if they do all go right?! It’s exciting just to think about. 🙂

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  23. Pingback: An Observation, A Change, A Realization & A Question | My Perfect Breakdown

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