Feeling Like an Imposter
We’ve been told by the adoption people that we need a picture of the nursery for our adoption profile book. And, we need it within the next few weeks.
This is not something I want to do right now. I am simply not ready to set up a nursery. And neither is Mr. MPB. Honestly, I was going to wait until we had the child before I bought the crib.
Yes, we have the big family house with the room, we even painted when we were naive to being reproductively challenged. We have one small rocking chair also bought when we were blissfully unaware of the path that we would walk. Most recently we even decided to start buying a few items with the passing of each big adoption step.
But, to actually buy a crib and start putting together the room scares the heck out of me. I’ve kept the door to that room shut for years, and put off going in there let alone decorating for our future child. In my world I cannot actually buy things for this child, because what if it never arrives? To some, this might sound paranoid. To me, after 5 miscarriages, it’s a matter of basic survival. I need to protect my heart. Setting up a room requires me to literally visualize a future baby in our house. For me, this forces me to open my heart, and put myself out there in a whole new way. What if a baby never comes? What if that room stays empty for ever? What if…
Of course, the opposite side of these fears is what if it works out? What if we actually get through the adoption process and bring a baby home? What if a baby gets to call this room theirs?
Yet, after so many painful losses, it’s hard for me to focus on the positive side of the what if game. But, I have to now, because the room now resembles a nursery.
After doing our online homework and reading the Baby Bargain book, we worked up the courage, and walked into IKEA.
The entire time we were shopping, I felt like an imposter. Everyone else in the baby section was sporting their cute little baby bumps, and/or chasing their toddler running around playing with the toys. There we were, completely childless and feeling forced to buy this before we were ready. There was no excitement, just a knot of fear at the bottom of my stomach. As we both wanted to get the heck out of there, we were very efficient shoppers making final decisions in a very quick. Ultimately we preserved and bought what we needed.
We decided to buy a basic IKEA crib, mattress and blanket set. We decided not to buy an expensive crib as we’d rather save the money for the actual adoption and for more long-term furniture once the child is ready to move into a real bed. Even though regardless of gender I would have preferred blue, we went with green to keep it gender neutral in the adoption profile and photo album.
Once we got home with our newly purchased items, we spent the afternoon in the room building the crib and putting the basic nursery together. In fact, I suspect we spent more time in that room on Sunday afternoon then we have probably ever spent total. We hung a very special picture above the crib – the first thing we ever bought for our future child once we decided to adopt. We also hung a picture that was made by my mom when I was little, it matches the room perfectly and is also so special to me to have something for our baby from my mom. We put up the mobile that we got a few weeks ago. And we even cleaned out the closet to make room for future baby stuff that may come our way.
The room is still far from complete as we still need to buy a dresser and a bookshelf (I am hoping to buy them second hand to save some money). But, with the crib and pictures we have achieved our first goal – we now have a picture of the nursery for our adoption profile and album.
When we were done hanging everything and taking the photos, we walked out of the room and closed the door behind us. Just as we have done since we moved into the house. And, even with the door closed tightly behind us, somehow everything feels so much more real now. I am scared. I am fearful.
And so I will remind myself daily that I am hopeful.
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