I hate the what if game, I do everything I can to avoid playing it. In my experience, it is a very scary game, the results can be disastrous as the self-doubt piles up.
But, lately, I’ve had this fear creeping into my mind. For the first time I’ve started pondering, what if we do not get approved? What if the powers that be decide we cannot adopt a child(ren)? Then what? What will we do? Would we go back to trying with or without medical intervention? Would we look at surrogacy again? Would we stop?
And honestly, how would we feel? What would it do to us personally to be told we are not good enough to adopt? What if we are not viewed as good enough to raise a child? I can only imagine how big of a blow it would be to us to be denied. To fail the only type of parenthood test that really exists, would be a hard blow for us to accept. I really don’t know how we would deal with it and what the repercussions to our emotional state would be. We’ve had enough losses, I just cannot imagine bring denied the option to adopt.
We are about 99.999% positive we will be approved, but even so, there is a nagging fear at the back of our minds. It lingers. On bad days, it’s a bit more prominent. I’d compare it to the bad moments during the two week wait, while I would over-think every single possible symptom while waiting for a positive, hope for a positive, but fear a negative. On bad days, the fear is palpable. On good days, it is laughable because we are pretty decent people with pretty typical lives and a decent income. We don’t really have any red flags that cause concern. So, I know I shouldn’t be too concerned, but yet some days I am.
I try not to dwell on the fear. On bad days, it’s hard to ignore the fear, but I do try to focus on the hope and the eventual happiness.
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