What If

I hate the what if game, I do everything I can to avoid playing it. In my experience, it is a very scary game, the results can be disastrous as the self-doubt piles up.

But, lately, I’ve had this fear creeping into my mind. For the first time I’ve started pondering, what if we do not get approved? What if the powers that be decide we cannot adopt a child(ren)? Then what? What will we do? Would we go back to trying with or without medical intervention? Would we look at surrogacy again? Would we stop?

And honestly, how would we feel? What would it do to us personally to be told we are not good enough to adopt? What if we are not viewed as good enough to raise a child? I can only imagine how big of a blow it would be to us to be denied. To fail the only type of parenthood test that really exists, would be a hard blow for us to accept. I really don’t know how we would deal with it and what the repercussions to our emotional state would be. We’ve had enough losses, I just cannot imagine bring denied the option to adopt.

We are about 99.999% positive we will be approved, but even so, there is a nagging fear at the back of our minds. It lingers. On bad days, it’s a bit more prominent. I’d compare it to the bad moments during the two week wait, while I would over-think every single possible symptom while waiting for a positive, hope for a positive, but fear a negative. On bad days, the fear is palpable. On good days, it is laughable because we are pretty decent people with pretty typical lives and a decent income. We don’t really have any red flags that cause concern. So, I know I shouldn’t be too concerned, but yet some days I am.

I try not to dwell on the fear. On bad days, it’s hard to ignore the fear, but I do try to focus on the hope and the eventual happiness.

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38 Comments on “What If

  1. Oooh, girl, I am so good/bad at the what if game. The problem with this sucky game is that the fear always wins. Every single time. No matter how hard I practice, I cannot win at this game. The only way to win is to refuse to play, which is not an easy thing to do. If you’re not able to stop playing the game at this time, then I’ll be your cheerleader from the sidelines. Picture me yelling, “Tell fear to GET LOST! You can do it! Of course you’ll be approved, I know it!” 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are right, the best solution to this game is to refuse to play in the first place! That’s also my approach 98% of the time – it’s best not to even go there.
      Thanks for being one of my cheerleaders! I just adore that I have you on my team. 🙂

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  2. It’s such a terrible feeling to worry. Loss in your life does that to you. It’s hard to believe that good things will happen to you. But I just know that a child would be so loved placed in your family. I know you have the doubts that sit in the back of your mind because of loss, but it’s okay to get excited about this. Everything will turn out okay… You’ll look back at this blog post and think, “What was I so worried about?” Sending you so much love and strength. You’ll make it through. I have a good feeling about this.

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    • Thank you so much ACP for understanding the root of these fears – it really is the fear of another loss. I have no idea how I could get through another loss, and I’m petrified of the potential. I try not to dwell on the fear, but it is ever present.
      I do hope you are right, and one day I will think that these worries were just crazy. 🙂

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  3. Yep, I know that feeling!! I think infertility and RPL especially make you more susceptible to this, as you’re so used to the bad news! Im really hoping it all works out smoothly and quickly for you. Lots of love xx

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    • Thank you so much for sharing your understanding of where my fears come from – I know this is all a direct result of the losses we’ve had through our RPL journey! Most days I am able to see beyond the fear of another loss, but there are still times where the fear is real.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve had this thought a time or two myself. However, I can’t imagine anyone denying you and Mr. MPB the chance to adopt! I hope the waiting doesn’t last too much longer and you hear something soon. Sending hugs your way!!!

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  5. In my experience, it’s impossible not to have those nagging fears. They just come with the territory when you want something so badly and there is so much on the line. I really hope you hear something soon!

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    • Thank you so much Molly for reminding me that these fears are normal and are not unique to adoption. This is simply what happens when you want something that you cannot control. 🙂

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  6. Oh, good luck to you! I can completely understand the evil “what-ifs” — I haven’t even filled out my application and my mind roils with fearful worries about being denied (we’ve both been divorced, is therapy a red flag? there’s no railing on my stairs…) that are probably fairly ridiculous. It’s hard to shut that off. I hope you don’t have to wait too long to get your “Good to go” message and move on to the next step of things, but I understand the fear of rejection and the paralyzing thought of THEN WHAT??? that follows that unlikely scenario. I hope you don’t have to wait too long for confirmation, and that you get some reassurance that you guys would make EXCELLENT parents. I am pulling for you!

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    • Thank you so much Jess! I’m told prior divorce is pretty normal in the adoption world today, because divorce is much more common now. That said, it isn’t something we have had to worry about, so I haven’t done any intentional research on it.
      Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words of support – I too believe you guys will make amazing parents. Hopefully neither of us have to wait very long for our families!

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  7. Don’t beat yourself up for having these fears and worries – they can’t be helped after all you’ve been through. But…when they do creep into your mind – tell them they aren’t allowed to take away your excitement and happiness because I KNOW that everything is going to work out for you! xoxo

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    • Thank you so much for your great advice and your encouragement! Most days, I am very confident that we will be approved to adopt, but it’s always nice to hear that other people think we will too. Thank you. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh the what if game…an awful, wretched game that just seems to welcome itself when it’s least wanted. Although we arent adopting, I can emphathize. And honestly, I really dont think there will be cause for concern with your application and more importanly, who you and Mr. MPB are as human beings 💜 Hoping you get your good news (sooner rather than later 😉)

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    • I think your comment, and others here, have helped me remember that my fears aren’t unique to adoption. These fears are particularly normal in the situation of really want something that is beyond our control. Love to you as you deal with your own set of worries and fears – maybe together we can get through it a bit better. 🙂
      And, thank you for your kind words! I am truly flattered.

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  9. I AlWAYS worry about the worst case scenario. Someone told me not to because if it happens there’ll be plently of time to worry and if it doesn’t than you’ve just wasted your time and energy. Much easier said than done! I hope your not left to wait and worry for much longer and I hope the universe finally cuts you guys a break!

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    • What a wonderful perspective – why spend so much effort worrying about a possibility, when there will be lots of time to worry about it if it actually happens. Now, if only I could actually do that! 🙂

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  10. Those “what if’s” are exactly what had scared me about starting the adoption process and really REALLY hoping ivf works. I mean, for me, I think it’s a manifestation of my insecure nature. Like I know I’ll be a fantastic mother, but sometimes I wonder if that’s true and why were going through IF, so do I really need someone tearing that to shreds by not approving us? Anyway, it’s CRAZY talk. I hope you reading my crazy will make you feel better. Because people who have approved home studies tell me it wasn’t as crazy as it seems. Can’t wait for your post sharing that you’re approved!

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    • You are so right, it is crazy talk! I’m pretty confident that anyone willing to put themselves through the adoption process will be a great parent because the process in itself requires so many important traits, most important of all is patience. 🙂
      I think the post about sharing we are actually approved will have to be pretty epic in some way shape or form because we will be so excited!

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  11. It’s hard not to submit your heart to such fears. I know. I also know you’re guided by heart, love and persistence. And because of that, if, for whatever reason, this door is closed, another will open. It will.

    What is for you Will not pass you, sweetie.
    It won’t.

    Take heart in that.

    With friendship,
    Dani

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  12. I, too, am trying to stay in the moment. Not around the same issue, but the challenge remains. My faith is helping so much. I realize whenever I take things over and worry, things just don’t go as swimmingly as when I leave it to God . . . wishing you a happy outcome!

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    • I think you make a great point here, it really is about staying in the moment and not focusing on all the future potentially negative outcomes. It’s absolutely easier said then done.
      Wishing you clarity to live in the moment and a happy outcome as well!

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  13. I can only imagine how terrifying that thought of not getting approved must be. It is what held me back from adoption (because our odds would be nowhere near your and Mr. MPB’s odds – a fact confirmed by my initial investigations into adoption). The home study scared me too – I discovered how much judgment I had of myself and feared others would have. Adoption is not for the feint of heart. I am holding you and your vulnerability in my heart and thoughts and sending hopeful and reassuring energy your way.

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    • Honestly, for the most part, probably 99% of the time I think we will get approved because we are pretty ideal adoptive parents on paper.
      But, like most circumstances that I cannot control, I worry. I think it’s natural. And you are right, the adoption process is not for the feint of heart – it’s complicated, time consuming, and madding all at once! But, it is also hopeful, and for us, that’s what makes it worth opening ourselves up to the process and a social worker. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • What a wonderful perspective! Maybe I should try that – although truth be told, we’ve spent so much time surviving this, the actual positive outcome has become this elusive dream in the far off distance. I think when it does eventually work out and we have a child we will both be at a bit of a loss for what to actually do! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I can totally understand having these thoughts and feelings. But, you will get approved! Perhaps repeating a positive word or phrase to yourself when you have those thoughts would help? I freak out a lot over my baby now (while not born) and I have to repeat a mantra to myself. Wishing you all the very best! ❤

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    • Thank you for the reminder that the what if game, and so many of these fears are not just about adoption, they are about becoming parents regardless of how you become a parent! I love your positive mantra idea, and I am wishing you all the best as you creep closer and closer to meeting your little one! Love to you.

      Liked by 1 person

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  16. I am also really good at the what if game. It is so easy to get sucked into it. Hang in there! You have worked so hard to get to where you are. It is time for a change 🙂

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  17. ew the what if game! I play it often and why do we fall into that trap? The positive side rarely wins out? But just remember my post yesterday about staring at the chair. Instead of staring at the chair of “what if” we don’t get approved, start staring at the chair of “what if” you do get approved? That chair is far more exciting and pretty to stare at 🙂 Love ya sugars but I don’t think you will have ANY problem getting that stamp of approval on your file 🙂 xo

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    • Yes, your chair post was a good one and very timely for me. And a great reminder to look at the other side of what if we do get approved.
      Although, funny enough, that is probably just as scary because after years of loss, we don’t actually spend time thinking about ACTUALLY parenting anymore 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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