The Two Week Wait Crazies
As long as you are trying to get pregnant, even if it’s only your first month trying, the two week wait (TWW) sucks!
I am more convinced that the more TWW sucks even more, the more of them you have.
I’m sure if you ask anyone suffering with an inability to get pregnant for any duration of time, they would say it totally sucks! They would likely go on a rant about how frustrating it is to wait. I cannot speak too much about this because we are pretty good at getting pregnant – 5 pregnancies in 2 years. Anyways, I am confident that the continual disappointment and would absolutely suck (to say the least).
What I can tell you about is if you ask someone who is trying again after loss, they would say the TWW is terrifying. If you ask someone going through RPL, with multiple losses, as I can attest to, they will also be terrified and will start to feel like a crazy person.
To give you a glimpse of just how crazy I become during the TWW, here is my crazy thoughts during the TWW:
- What if it actually happens this month? What if we are actually pregnant? And what if it actually works? After all of this, am I really ready to be a mother and care for a little human being?
- What if it doesn’t work, again? This will mark x month of trying, and x year of trying. Do we try something different? (This one is just now playing on my mind as we are about to hit 4 cycles since our last miscarriage (not counting a chemical pregnancy) – I know, I know, it’s only four, but for us, 4 is a lot).
- When is enough, enough?
- What if I am actually pregnant again, how will I cope with the fear of loss? What if we lose another one?
- How can I survive losing another baby? How can my husband deal with this again?
- When do we truly turn to adoption? (And this leads to about a million other questions).
- Do my boobs hurt?
- Is that morning sickness, or just an upset stomach?
- Did I feel a twinge that could be implantation?
- Did my dog just jump on me or near me? (On me means not pregnant, near me means I very likely am pregnant).
- If we are not pregnant, at least I won’t have to face another miscarriage. (Is it sad that this is now my silver lining?)
- Can I emotionally handle going through all of this again, regardless of the outcome?
- Should I test? Is it too early to test? When should I test? Maybe I should google for the 20th time, when I should test?
- If we end up with a positive test, will it just be a biochemical pregnancy again?
- If it doesn’t work, maybe I should actually try ovulation sticks again next month. Oh, but I hate those stupid sticks, so maybe I just won’t bother. Arg, I have no idea what to do.
- What if we now cannot conceive? I know it’s unlikely, but what if? Would we even be willing to venture into IVF, given what we’ve already been through?
I know for me, all of this makes me think I’m a completely nutter butter – yes, that’s right, I just said nutter butter. When I think about if I’m pregnant, I can change my mind 10 times in a day. I’m pretty sure on my obsessive days, I drive my husband crazy. I try to avoid obsessive days, I try to keep busy and keep my mind occupied, but I think anyone who has ever experienced a TWW, knows that some days are worse and it plays on your mind all day just like an annoying song on repeat. (And clearly, as I’m writing this post today, I am having one of those obsessive days).
Anyways, here’s to one more unknown. I will do my best to stay distracted for the next few days until I have an actual answer outside of my crazy self-assessments. But, I make no promises that I won’t still be crazy.
FYI, I drafted this yesterday morning. By the time I went to finish it and post it, the self-assessment phase came to an end with a resounding not pregnant announcement from mother nature and the mojito drinking phase began.
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