Five Similarities Between Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and Adoption

As an established expert in recurrent pregnancy loss and miscarriage, I have a lot of opinions / thoughts / experiences in baby loss. And now as we venture further and further into the adoption world, I have started to discover the similarities between recurrent pregnancy loss and adoption.

Both Processes Are All Consuming

Trying to conceive, waiting for miscarriages to physically occur and working through the emotional recovery is all consuming. It takes over every aspect of your life – your life becomes defined by medical appointments and medical procedures, trying not to drive ourselves crazy during the two week wait, scheduled sex, eating the right foods, not eating the bad foods, limiting/eliminating our physical activity, etc. Long term life planning is virtually impossible because of thoughts like what if I’m pregnant or what if we are having another miscarriage or what if I’m on bed rest due to a high risk pregnancy.

The adoption process is slow and complicated.

20141110 - How To Tackle The Adoption Process

It seems to take over your thoughts and mind. You need to be ready to answer questions and submit more information when needed and because you don’t want to slow the process down, you want to do it right away. Your life becomes defined by trying to enable and facilitate the adoption process as quickly as possible. Long term planning becomes difficult, because you don’t want to be away from cell phone reception in case you get the call.

Both Make You Feel Like You are Fighting An Uphill Battle

Photo Source: Office.com Clip Art

Photo Source: Office.com Clip Art

Part of why we stopped trying naturally was that we were sick of fighting our provincial medical system in Canada that does not support recurrent pregnancy loss. There is no active research happening here and the doctors do not “believe” the modern research being conducted in other countries. We were left to figure out how to have miscarriages with virtually no support. We were left trying to navigate our own health care by reading academic journals and seeking out the right doctors. We were left to chart uncharted territory with virtually no support.

And now we are fighting the adoption process. We are expected to jump through hoops that at times feel insane, just to be told we are not able to complain or voice concerns. It really feels like a one sided process in which we are expected to give everything of ourselves and just hope for a positive outcome. Communication between us and our agency hasn’t always been great, and it just leaves us frustrated.

You know what, I’m sick of the feeling of battling the system. I’m sick and tired of constantly feeling like I’m battling with the world to try to create our family. Some days I just want to throw a temper-tantrum because I am so frustrated by all of this.  Anyone going through either of these processes, becomes well versed in sorting through masses of paperwork and researching the pros and cons of how to proceed. I know it will be worth it in the end, but it would be nice if it weren’t so frustrating.

All You Do is Make Hard, Life Altering Decisions.

20150121 - Curiosity About Adoption ChoicesWhen you are facing miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss, all you do is make decisions. What type of miscarriage should we have – D&C, misoprostol/cytotec, or natural? Should we terminate for medical reasons? Should we try again? What type of medical approach should we take for our next approach? What diagnostic procedures should we have done? What doctor should we see? How much can we afford to spend on treatment?

When it comes to adoption, we are making equally hard decisions. What type and how much substance abuse should we accept? Where should we adopt from?  What type of birth defects should we accept?  What races are we open to?  Can we handle an open adoption?

Both Can be Incredibly Expensive.

20150130 -  Similarities between Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and Adoption2The further we got into our recurrent pregnancy loss experience, we began to look at how our next steps will be impacted by money. How much can we afford to spend on our next attempt at a healthy pregnancy? Can we afford IVF with PGD, if we want to take that route? Can we afford international surrogacy? Can we afford out of country private medical expenses? How much are we willing to spend on medical treatments?

Adoption, is also potentially very expensive. Even the “affordable” domestic adoption route will cost nearly $15,000. For us, we had to look at can we afford the increase cost of international adoption? How much can we afford to spend on birth mother expenses? Can we afford the costs to travel internationally to finalize the adoption? Long term, will be able to afford to take our child back to wherever they were born?

They Share The Ultimate Goal of Having Children.

Photo Source: Office.com Clip Art

Photo Source: Office.com Clip Art

Anyone willing to subject themselves and their marriage to multiple consecutive losses and hundreds upon hundreds of medical tests and procedures must be desperate to be parents and to have children and a family.

Similarly anyone who is willing to subject themselves to the agony of the adoption process is also desperate to grow their family – sharing of the most intimate personal details and opening ourselves up to the scrutiny, the waiting, the intense paperwork, etc.

Anyone choosing either of these paths either desperately wants to be parents or they are just insane. Some days I think it has to do with some sort of insanity; however, most days I think it’s a more about a deep seeded desire to share their love and compassion with another human being and help them grow and develop.  So, today, I choose to believe that all of our heartache will be worth it in the end.

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22 Comments on “Five Similarities Between Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and Adoption

  1. You are an amazing woman who has been through the ringer! I bet your position can be difficult and at times downright depressing. If you need to throw a temper tantrum, do it. Let your emotions out.

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  2. Amazed by your strength. Simply cannot wait for you to be tucking your child into bed with tears of joy in your eyes.

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  3. I’m so sorry this process is so hard and hope so much it gets easier and quicker x

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  4. So true. So well written. You said it all! And then, we will repeat this thought process…can we financially afford adopting again? After so many miscarriages, do we ever try biologically again (if there is even time)? Can we afford – financially and emotionally – subjecting our families to any of this, ever again, so our child has a sibling? My husband and I have squarely put “maybe not” on the options table which feels kind of good. Not what I imagined but we both know by now life doesn’t give us the cookie cutter version! I loved your graphics too! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • You make so many great points in this comment. We too hae decided to put the answer to the questions about trying again / adopting a second time on maybe / maybe not. We used to say we’d have two children, now after a few years of living in the “if” category we are now back to saying we will absolutely have one and maybe two. And we are truly okay with the maybe.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I so enjoy your process flows. Tempted to steal your and populate my own fertility related emotions. 🙂

    I’m starting to believe that people either 1) don’t think at all about the children they’re bringing into the world or 2) think endlessly about it. My sister is an example of the former category. She and her husband simply had kids and dealt with all as it came. Of course M and I are in the latter category. I’m very curious how those of us in this category will find the experience once it arrives. Will it live up? Will be find we’re so wrong about what it was going to look like? Etc…

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    • Thank you, I do enjoy making my process flows and graphics – somehow seeing information visually always makes the process seem less scary to me. And what’s really awesome is seeing us progress through it – we know we are moving forward!
      Also, you make a great point, I too wonder how people who just have kids think about parenting once it happens. In some ways it’s probably easier, but in others probably not.

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  6. I hate that there are no easy options here. I wish it was like once you decided on adoption you were automatically moved to easy street. Nope. I have faith that it will all be worth it, but damn is the journey draining!

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    • Honestly, I know adoption will be worth it, I just know it because already we are so much more hopeful then we were when we were living in the trenches of RPL.
      But it is still a pain in the butt, and the journey is so draining at times. I try not to focus on that, but clearly I have bad days.

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  7. I’m so sorry that things have been so rough for you guys, first with the RPL and now with the adoption stuff. I truly hope that things start to get easier for you. I know how hard it is to have absolutely no control over anything and no say in how things happen. I wish there was some way I could help you out, but at least know that I am here to be your cheerleader or shoulder to cry on! And it WILL be all worth it in the end! 🙂

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    • Just knowing you are cheering us on and offering support on the bad days is so amazing!! I know the road to adoption will be worth it in the end, so I just need to remind myself of that on the bad days. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. It will be SO worth. I cannot imagine all you have to go through with no medical support for RPL. You are such an amazingly strong woman and I have no doubts you will have the family you desire. Hugs!

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  9. I know that all of your heartache will be “worth it” – as strange as those words feel typing them because no one should have to pay such high admission prices to parenthood. I know there is a light (a rainbow of lights, in fact, like the Aurora Borealis) awaiting you, Mr. MPB and your adoptive child(ren). I am keeping my sights focused on that inner knowledge and willing it to happen sooner rather than later. Meanwhile I send your way love and patience in this interminable waiting period!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I give you a lot of credit for the grace and foresight with which you’re navigating this sphere! We pursued treatment to the bitter end because I knew I could never manage the adoption game. As a control freak, there were so many aspects of the process that made me mad/scared. You seem to acknowledge what’s hard and reason your way through it. I hope the road to being selected and taking your child home leans toward the simpler side from here forward.

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  11. Sometimes I think insanity wins out.
    But only sometimes.

    Lovely, heartfelt post, sweetie.
    And thank you for being such a soul advocate for transparency.

    With blessings,
    Dani

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