Five Similarities Between Recurrent Pregnancy Loss and Adoption
As an established expert in recurrent pregnancy loss and miscarriage, I have a lot of opinions / thoughts / experiences in baby loss. And now as we venture further and further into the adoption world, I have started to discover the similarities between recurrent pregnancy loss and adoption.
Both Processes Are All Consuming
Trying to conceive, waiting for miscarriages to physically occur and working through the emotional recovery is all consuming. It takes over every aspect of your life – your life becomes defined by medical appointments and medical procedures, trying not to drive ourselves crazy during the two week wait, scheduled sex, eating the right foods, not eating the bad foods, limiting/eliminating our physical activity, etc. Long term life planning is virtually impossible because of thoughts like what if I’m pregnant or what if we are having another miscarriage or what if I’m on bed rest due to a high risk pregnancy.
The adoption process is slow and complicated.
It seems to take over your thoughts and mind. You need to be ready to answer questions and submit more information when needed and because you don’t want to slow the process down, you want to do it right away. Your life becomes defined by trying to enable and facilitate the adoption process as quickly as possible. Long term planning becomes difficult, because you don’t want to be away from cell phone reception in case you get the call.
Both Make You Feel Like You are Fighting An Uphill Battle
Part of why we stopped trying naturally was that we were sick of fighting our provincial medical system in Canada that does not support recurrent pregnancy loss. There is no active research happening here and the doctors do not “believe” the modern research being conducted in other countries. We were left to figure out how to have miscarriages with virtually no support. We were left trying to navigate our own health care by reading academic journals and seeking out the right doctors. We were left to chart uncharted territory with virtually no support.
And now we are fighting the adoption process. We are expected to jump through hoops that at times feel insane, just to be told we are not able to complain or voice concerns. It really feels like a one sided process in which we are expected to give everything of ourselves and just hope for a positive outcome. Communication between us and our agency hasn’t always been great, and it just leaves us frustrated.
You know what, I’m sick of the feeling of battling the system. I’m sick and tired of constantly feeling like I’m battling with the world to try to create our family. Some days I just want to throw a temper-tantrum because I am so frustrated by all of this. Anyone going through either of these processes, becomes well versed in sorting through masses of paperwork and researching the pros and cons of how to proceed. I know it will be worth it in the end, but it would be nice if it weren’t so frustrating.
All You Do is Make Hard, Life Altering Decisions.
When you are facing miscarriage and recurrent pregnancy loss, all you do is make decisions. What type of miscarriage should we have – D&C, misoprostol/cytotec, or natural? Should we terminate for medical reasons? Should we try again? What type of medical approach should we take for our next approach? What diagnostic procedures should we have done? What doctor should we see? How much can we afford to spend on treatment?
When it comes to adoption, we are making equally hard decisions. What type and how much substance abuse should we accept? Where should we adopt from? What type of birth defects should we accept? What races are we open to? Can we handle an open adoption?
Both Can be Incredibly Expensive.
The further we got into our recurrent pregnancy loss experience, we began to look at how our next steps will be impacted by money. How much can we afford to spend on our next attempt at a healthy pregnancy? Can we afford IVF with PGD, if we want to take that route? Can we afford international surrogacy? Can we afford out of country private medical expenses? How much are we willing to spend on medical treatments?
Adoption, is also potentially very expensive. Even the “affordable” domestic adoption route will cost nearly $15,000. For us, we had to look at can we afford the increase cost of international adoption? How much can we afford to spend on birth mother expenses? Can we afford the costs to travel internationally to finalize the adoption? Long term, will be able to afford to take our child back to wherever they were born?
They Share The Ultimate Goal of Having Children.
Anyone willing to subject themselves and their marriage to multiple consecutive losses and hundreds upon hundreds of medical tests and procedures must be desperate to be parents and to have children and a family.
Similarly anyone who is willing to subject themselves to the agony of the adoption process is also desperate to grow their family – sharing of the most intimate personal details and opening ourselves up to the scrutiny, the waiting, the intense paperwork, etc.
Anyone choosing either of these paths either desperately wants to be parents or they are just insane. Some days I think it has to do with some sort of insanity; however, most days I think it’s a more about a deep seeded desire to share their love and compassion with another human being and help them grow and develop. So, today, I choose to believe that all of our heartache will be worth it in the end.
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