Stepping Off the Crazy Train
For the first time in almost 2.5 years, I do not know the monthly calendar based on cycle days.
I do not know where I am in my cycle, maybe CD 21ish? maybe CD 26ish?
I do not know the date of CD1 off the top of my head (although I could look it up if I chose to).
I do not know if I’ve ovulated. Or when I should ovulate.
I am not obsessively peeing on any sticks.
I have absolutely no idea when my period should arrive.
I know nothing!
Even more, we are not having scheduled sex. This is awesome and so freeing!
We are not facing a TWW.
I am not constantly symptom watching.
We are not dreading and yet at the same time kind of hoping that this cycle will end in pregnancy.
We are not living in 1 month intervals of being pregnant or not. Heck, we even booked a ski weekend for February and March at two of our favourite mountains! That’s major long term planning that is not contingent upon the state of a pregnancy – this is progress. We have not done in years!
There is something so liberating of being off the crazy RPL train!
I for one am feeling much calmer on a daily basis. My RPL fears of another loss are slowly vanishing as we are not facing the prospect of getting pregnant again, my work fears/issues have stepped into that void. That said work fears are much easier to deal with then the prospect of losing another baby.
So, on the whole, I for one am feeling much calmer these days. In many ways, I feel like I’m starting to breath again for the first time in months. I feel less and less like I’m hoping on for dear life, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I feel like we have started to live again and to embrace the future again without being overcome by all the fears.
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