A Conversation with My Mom

Every now and again something occurs that makes me wish for my mom and sister. Clearly, part of me has longed to have her by my side at all the big happy moments in life – high school graduation; convocation from my bachelor of arts; convocation from my master degree; my wedding, etc.

I’ve spent a lot of time wishing she was here over the last few years to be by my side as we have gone through each miscarriage and grieved for our little babies. Somehow, I feel like my mom would be able to comfort me in the way I long for – yet, I realize rationally, she would likely be just like everyone else and not really understand what we are going through. But honestly, the little girl in me, just wants my mom’s shoulder to cry on, and have her tell me it will all be okay.

Anyways, when my Dad and Step-Mom dropped off a boxes of my family heirlooms a while ago, I was surprised when I stumbled across a few unexpected things. These are the things I will cherish more than any of the “important” items like china dishes or childhood dolls.

First, there were letters my Dad wrote my mom when they first started dating as teenagers. (I still haven’t read them, I’m afraid of what I might read. I figure there are things that a child doesn’t need to know about their parents, no matter the age of the child).

Second, there letters that my sisters best friends wrote her in the days immediately after she died at the age of 15. Evidently, they were left outside of her locker, and someone at the school collected them and gave them to my Dad. I had no idea these existed, but am thankful my Dad decided to share them with me. I knew all of the individuals who wrote the letters, and it was so touching to read their memories of my sister, the good times they had together, and how they will remember her. My heart broke that these teenage girls had to experience the death of a good friend. And then my heart broke that my sister’s life was cut so short, and she is no longer here to share her laughter.

And, thirdly, there was a box. A small plastic green box that was meant to hold cue-cards. I assumed it was recipes. When I cracked it open I found hundreds of green and yellow cue-cards. But no recipes. I was wrong. Each one containing an inspirational phrase. Each one, written in the unmistakable handwriting that belong to my mom.

So, here I am going through a life crises, my perfect breakdown, and I am handed the gift of inspiration from my mom who died 17 years ago. I suspect my mom wrote these as part of her professional career in helping others achieve higher education and employment.  However, I have no way to be certain.  All I do know is that I am thankful she did chose to write these cards. A few times over the last few weeks, I have opened the box and read a few cards at a time. Each time, feeling an odd sense of grief and hope all at the same time.

A sense of cruelty that I am left to read these, rather than have an actual conversation.

A sense of understanding, that as adults, my mom and I clearly share the same perspectives.

A sense of hope that what she wrote is so true.

A sense of gratitude that she wrote these down and they found there way to me.

So today, I want to share some of her words of wisdom:

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35 Comments on “A Conversation with My Mom

  1. Oh my goodness. I didn’t know this about you because I wasn’t blogging back then to see the post about your mother and sister. You’re so brave. I can guarantee they are incredibly proud of you. Xxx

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  2. Oh my goodness….chills! What an amazing gift…I’m so happy it wasn’t recipes! I know it will never be as good as being able to have her here with you but a beautiful thing, none the less.

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  3. Wow. I got chills reading about the cards your mom left for you (because that is how I view this) when you really needed them (now and going forward). I’m so sorry for your loss of your sister and mom. I have missed my mom so much on our TTC journey but lately I’ve felt her with me. My mom had a still birth and lost her first child at age 8 so I know she must share my hurt now. I am sure she would want to stop it. Most of us feel that about the suffering of those we love. I am so glad your mom and sister are with you right now and that something compelled your dad to remind you of their presence recently.

    Good luck at your appointment today. I’ll be thinking of you.

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    • Thanks so much for sharing your experience with your mom too. You made me remember that my mom actually had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured, so I guess she would have a pretty good idea of what we are going through.
      I hope today also goes well for you too!!

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  4. You have no idea how close to home this post is for me!
    I miss my Mom fiercely.
    I wish she had been here these past few years–but I know she brought my husband to me because I met him on her bday.
    I love seeing her handwriting–notes, recipes, etc.
    She made keepsake boxes for our weddings (mine & my sister’s) and for our kids, knowing the cancer would take her. I need to go get the baby box…but I’m afraid of the tears that will come…totally crying now…
    All this is to say that I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your mother and sister. And I love your Mom’s inspiration cards. ❤ priceless ❤ *huge hugs* XOXO

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    • Thank you for your support and understanding. And know that I too am sorry that you have lost your mom. But, what a beautiful gift that your mom made for you and your sister and your kids! Thank you so much for sharing your memories and emotions!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, these cards gave me chills. You should frame up one of those and let its positive energy seep into this process.

    If it helps, you can borrow my mom who tells every single detail to every single person she knows (including my accountant) and makes up some new ones just to keep me on my toes. She also told everyone I was pregnant at 5 weeks, which is how I got to have a really fun public ectopic mess.

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  6. Wow. I love how there is so much meaning and value packed into a little green box, and how it seemed to find you at exactly the right time. Your mother’s intentions have been immortalized. So beautiful.

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  7. This is absolutely incredible. I’m so sorry for the losses of your mom and sister. I can’t even imagine the depth of pain and grief after so many years. What an amazing thing to find. It’s almost like your mother left that for you to find one day when you needed it most. ❤

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  8. On my, I also got chills reading through your moms cards. So many of them are just so fitting, it’s like she knew that one day you could call upon these for strength. What a gift. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom and sister, that is just more loss than any young person should endure. ❤

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    • Thank you very much for your kind words and support. And you are right, so many of them are just so fitting to what we are going through right now – exactly what I needed.

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  9. Absolutely amazing gifts to be given and this is so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing her words of wisdom 🙂 I took the time to read every single one and I’m glad you shared them. Thank you.

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  10. What a treasure those cards are and what an incredible gift your dad gave you! I found myself getting teary-eyed when I read each one. It was like your Mom knew you would need these one day, and I don’t think it’s by accident that your Dad happened to give them to you now. So incredible hon! Your Mom and your sister are definitely with you right now and will get you through this. I just feel it. Sending you lots of love and warm hugs.

    I hope your appt with your RE went well today. Thinking about you…

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    • Thanks so much for your kind words and support! They really are a treasure, and I am so thankful my Dad gave them to me.
      The appointment went about as well as we could have expected. I still need to write something about all of it – I’m hoping I have time to write something tomorrow or Monday.

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  11. Such a beautiful post. What a beautiful gift you mom (and your dad) gave you. So sorry for losing your mom and sister. I am so glad that you have these cards to read and hold onto when you think about your mom, knowing that her hands touched every single one of them. ❤

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words. You are absolutely right about knowing that we share the same perspective and personality – it is such a great thing to discover.

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