Determining When Enough is Enough
The infertility world is a cruel world.
Those of us going through Recurrent Pregnancy Loss continue to push ourselves in hopes of achieving the end goal – a healthy baby.
Those going through traditional infertility (i.e. unable to conceive) continue to push themselves through potentially countless medical treatments in hopes of achieving the same end goal – a healthy baby.
Our lives becomes consumed by trying to conceive:
We schedule sex.
We only use the optimum baby making position.
Our short-term planning (i.e. dinner with friends) is dictated by our baby making schedule.
Our long-term planning (i.e. vacations) is dictated by the possibility of being pregnant.
Our friendships have changed due to infertility.
We daily schedules are filled with medical appointments.
We have a team of doctors and medical professional supporting our attempts to create a healthy baby.
We live inside the pregnancy bubble.
Many of us live this way for years (I have just crossed the 2 year mark and I still have no living children). Some of us achieve the dream and move on to the other side of parenting.
Some of us, contemplate when enough will be enough. When should we give up? When should we end this constant battle? And when if we choose to stop, how should we end it? Should we walk away and live childfree? Should we walk away and put all our efforts into adoption?
These are not small decisions. So, how the heck do we know what is right for us?
So, how do we actually accept that we’ve had enough? And then how do we actually figure out what to do next?
When I look specifically at our situation, I am at a complete loss for answers:
As for when to stop trying to conceive, we have no freaking idea. We made the decision to try for one more pregnancy – one more attempt with virtually no stress on my shoulders – I left my decently well paid, high stress professional employment and am now unemployed by choice. If it works, great we will be awesome parents to our one child. If it doesn’t….well we try not think about that and we will evaluate our next steps should we have to. But, here’s the most recent issue – now we seem unable to get pregnant. And we are starting to contemplate potential medical options to help us conceive – IUI, clomid, etc. I can honestly say, if we have to turn to those treatments to get pregnant, we may just walk away. My body has been through so much in the last 2 years with 5 lost babies, I just don’t know that I’m prepared to enter into treatments. But, we could always just keep trying naturally and see what happens. But here’s the thing, nothing about trying to conceive is fun anymore. Nothing about actually being pregnant is fun anymore – pregnancy is now something I dread, not something that excites me. And, the idea of waiting longer and struggling to get pregnant also doesn’t excite me. Honestly, no matter how hard we work to enjoy life for the moment, our lives really aren’t all that much fun right now. This isn’t a great lifestyle and part of me really wants to start living again.
For us, we are quickly approaching the next weekend domestic adoption seminar – it’s in October. We have not called the agency to pay for and reserve a spot. In fact, we don’t even know if space is still available. We don’t even know when the next international adoption seminar is offered. Heck, we don’t even know which type of adoption seminar to attend – international or domestic. We seem to have checked out of the adoption stuff this summer. When we talk about it and try to make a decision, I feel like we are paralyzed and at a loss for answers. We don’t seem to know which way to turn. There are countless reasons to adopt. There are plenty of reasons not to adopt. And we cannot seem to make a decision.
I kind of feel like rather than making any decisions, we are now paralyzed. We continue to hope for a healthy next pregnancy, but until we get pregnant again and find out if it will be successful (or not), our lives are on hold. We have stopped enjoying the simple things like flexibility and spontaneity. Sure, we may go to the Dave Matthews Band to force a weekend of fun, but it’s is fully scheduled around my monthly cycle and a potential pregnancy.
We have stopped living.
So, today, I simply ask, how did others make the decision to move out of this place of infertility and loss? And for those who have moved on without a living biological child, how did you reclaim your life afterwards?
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