Navigating The Most Difficult Road I’ve Ever Walked

Our path to parenthood is undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever experienced. When my mom and sister died when I was a teenager, I assumed that experience would be the hardest of my life.  I assumed that I had endured my fair share of loss and heartache.  Yet, now I can stand here today and state that losing our five babies to miscarriages has been even harder. I would never have believed that anything could be worse than losing my mom and sister, but here I am relearning the lesson that life can be cruel.

Losing our five little babies has nearly killed me. Each time I saw pink blood I knew the end was just around the corner. With every ultrasound a tiny part of me died. Each and every single time, the knowledge that our child would die knocked the breath out of me. Losing our third baby, the day we walked into the abortion clinic, was literally the worst moment of my life.

20141101_NYC (27 of 27)Yet, as we navigated the rough road of recurrent pregnancy loss, we did so with hope at our side. With every loss there was hope that the next one would be different and the next one would live. We walked the road and held onto the hope with every single step. The only way we could survive each loss was to hope for a better tomorrow. Hope provided us with the ability to continuing on the road and so we walked one careful step at a time.

When the medical diagnosis was more than we could bare, and all hope was lost, we felt that we were at a fork in the road.

While we had been thinking about different paths for months and researching different options, this was our moment. Somehow we both knew it this was a turning point. And so, in our darkest moments we knew now was the time to make a decision. We weighed our options. We listed out the pros and cons of each and every possibility. We talked. We cried. Should we stay on the same path and try again and hope for the best? Should we risk becoming financially destitute and invest in the medical treatment to try again? Should we find a surrogate, locally or internationally? Should we adopt? Should we live without children?

Physically, my body is broken. Emotionally, my heart is in tatters. One more try and one more loss, might just result in the permanent loss of the spark that makes me, me. We knew that the road of trying again was becoming too dark and too much for us to continue to navigate in any way that resembled something healthy. And so, we made a conscious decision to exit the tumultuous road of RPL. Simply, we knew we had to if we wanted to survive this. We had reach our enough, and it was time to choose a new road.

We chose a new route that will bring us a child and allow us to complete our family…eventually. We chose a road that will save my body from additional trauma. We chose a road that will prevent the death of another innocent child and save our hearts from more death. We chose a route that requires a new type of patience and will to persevere.

The road will not be easy as we learn to navigate new and uncharted territory. Undoubtedly the process will be exhausting. The paperwork intense. The waiting will be brutal. But, once again, hope will guide out path. And, we hope that it will be worth it in the end.

We choose to complete our family with the light and love that comes through adoption. And we choose to continue to live our lives made brighter with hope as our guiding light.

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41 Comments on “Navigating The Most Difficult Road I’ve Ever Walked

  1. Congrats to you for keeping hope by your side, even in your darkest hours. This is not an easy thing — it is for sure part of the spark that makes you you. And what a bright spark it is! Xo.

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  2. While I have been moved by quite a few blogs and think daily about three of my fellow bloggers– your story is the one that touches me the most. How you keep hope, humor, a marriage and your spark alive gives me such faith in the strength of the human spirit. I am rooting for you on this new journey. I cannot wait until you, your husband and your lucky little one are nestled by the fire hearts full and happy in anticipation of your first Christmas together. Xo

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    • Thank you so much for our kind words about my writing offering you so much faith in the strength of the human spirit – these may be the kindest words of encouragement I have ever heard. And, I so love the beautiful picture you paint of my future family together on our first Christmas together! You brought a tear to my eye and I am so excited sitting here thinking about our future. Thank you.

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  3. MPD this post resonates so much with how I am feeling today… Our stories are so different in that it took me two years of failed cycles just to get pregnant and then to lose the pregnancy from my crappy eggs… I also feel like my heart cannot take it anymore and so we need to find a new way of making a family… In our case the decision will likely be to move onto donor eggs… We can’t afford to lose that spark that makes us ‘us’… What will we have to offer any child who comes into our lives if we reach that point. I feel so happy for you that you are veering off the rpl path and look forward to that day that we can celebrate your take home baby!

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    • I am touched that you had such a personal response to this post. While our individual stories are different, I think so many of us are united in our struggles, our grief for our lost babies, our crushed dreams, and even realizing when we need change the paths we are walking.
      Thank you for sharing your story, your heart and your love.

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  4. So brave and so beautiful! Despite the overwhelming hardships you’ve faced (way more than your fair share), I’m so glad you still have some spark left and can continue with hope and love in your hearts. Such an inspiration. I’m rooting for you every step of the way ❤

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  5. It will be a tough journey but I know you guys will thrive through it because of your positive attitude and hope! I have so much faith that you two will make the most of the entire journey! I am so excited to watch your story unfold.

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  6. Great Post. You are so right about how difficult infertility is. Between what it’s done to me personally and more importantly how it ripped my marriage to its core has made it the most difficult situation I’ve dealt with in my Adult life.

    I wish you and your husband the best hoping that the next chapter in your lives is a bright one. 🙂

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    • You are right that infertility is just so incredibly difficult on both the relationship and also on the individuals in the relationship. We all process it differently, and yet we all seem to be united by our struggle.
      I wish you the best as well. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I always admire your strength and resilience. Your choice to embrace hope and let it drive your actions is something I need to learn to do. Thank you for the inspiration. Wishing you much success as you make your way into the adoption process. I pray the time passes quickly and that soon you’ll get to meet your baby. You’ve been through more this anyone should have to endure and I hope that any and all obstacles and stressors are removed from your path.

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    • Thank you for your kind words. I do have to say not everyday is an easy day, and I do not always have the ability to hold hope close to me. But I do try and I find when I am able to keep hope close, I am much happier.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I feel you on your knowing that one more loss might put out the spark that makes you you. I am so sorry for all of your losses. Wishing you well on the new leg of your journey…

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    • Thank you so much for your compassion and understanding. It is a hard thing to recognize that you have reached your end, but at the same time somehow it is also very uplifting.

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  9. So happy that you guys have made it through the worst of times and are still strong on the other side of it. I think you already know I think the world of you, and your perseverance has definitely helped to get me through my own tough times. I can’t wait until this new process is complete and you have your little one in your arms. ❤

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    • Thank you so much Amy, I am always so touched by your support and your constant love. Thank you for letting me know that I have offered you support, as this touches me greatly and encourages me to continue. Thank you for everything.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I love your last line “we choose to continue to live our lives made brighter with hope as our guiding light”. So beautifully put hon. This new path is not going to be easy, but you have already endured and survive so much and I know you can get through this too, and the reward at the end of this journey will be so worth it! I just know it!

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  11. I’m so, so sorry for everything that you have been through. Infertility forces us to make such heart-wrenching decisions… You are so inspiring to have made it through, perhaps not the same as you once were, but still strong and still holding on to that glimmer of hope. I hope that your path to adoption will go as smoothly as possible and that you will find a happy ending in one way or another.

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    • Thank you so much for your kind words. You are so right, I am not the same as I once was, infertility/rpl changed me. I think it changes all of us. I figure so long as I have hope, I’ll be okay. 🙂

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  12. I am so awed by your strength and unwavering decision to choose hope in this terrible, heart breaking journey. It is truly inspiring ..and I hope so much for you that after all you’ve been through and all the work you’re putting in now- that you will get to have your child in your arms one day soon.

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    • Thank you so very much for your kind words of encouragement! I work very hard to stay hopeful, and I really appreciate that you find my approach inspiring. Hearing this means the world to me, thank you.

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  13. I made your decision 11 years ago now and my “road less travelled by” was 9 years old last week and he indeed “made all the difference” to me. This has become my favourite poem…

    The Road Not Taken
    BY ROBERT FROST

    Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
    And sorry I could not travel both
    And be one traveler, long I stood
    And looked down one as far as I could
    To where it bent in the undergrowth;

    Then took the other, as just as fair,
    And having perhaps the better claim,
    Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
    Though as for that the passing there
    Had worn them really about the same,

    And both that morning equally lay
    In leaves no step had trodden black.
    Oh, I kept the first for another day!
    Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
    I doubted if I should ever come back.

    I shall be telling this with a sigh
    Somewhere ages and ages hence:
    Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
    I took the one less traveled by,
    And that has made all the difference.

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    • Thank you so much for sharing this poem – I have not read it or thought about it since I was a child, but you are right it is very fitting for this situation! Thank you!
      Oh, and i love that your road less traveled turned 9! Wow, that’s exciting! 🙂

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  14. Realizing which road to take is the most important decision. You just made one. I hope the road will grow wide for you as you walk on it.

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  16. “Physically, my body is broken. Emotionally, my heart is in tatters. One more try and one more loss, might just result in the permanent loss of the spark that makes me, me.”

    I so identify with this and am there now. Trying not to be. But there. All the same.

    I will keep you in thought and heart in your adoption journey, sweetie. Blessings to you both.

    May you bloom,
    Dani

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  17. I can’t imagine what it has taken to get through every step in your journey. Your hope and love is inspiring and I’m so excited for you and totally hoping for you all the way

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  18. That was really lovely. I’m thrilled to hear you’re hanging onto your hope. Thank you so much for posting that.

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  19. I loved this post. Not the pain that you’ve endured, but how you’ve endured it and keep looking forward with hope for the future. Your phrase about losing your spark spoke to me, as did the thought of adoption as a path of love and light. I am looking forward to following your adoption pathway, as I am also near this turning point in building our family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I wish you so much peace as you begin the paperwork and waiting and healing from all you’ve experienced so far.

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    • Thank you so much for stopping by and for commenting. Now that I’ve found our blog, I’ll be following along as well! 🙂
      I do hope you find peace with whatever decisions you choose to make in the future. Adoption seems to take a lot of work and patience, but I’m pretty confident it will be worth it in the end.

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