Navigating The Most Difficult Road I’ve Ever Walked
Our path to parenthood is undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever experienced. When my mom and sister died when I was a teenager, I assumed that experience would be the hardest of my life. I assumed that I had endured my fair share of loss and heartache. Yet, now I can stand here today and state that losing our five babies to miscarriages has been even harder. I would never have believed that anything could be worse than losing my mom and sister, but here I am relearning the lesson that life can be cruel.
Losing our five little babies has nearly killed me. Each time I saw pink blood I knew the end was just around the corner. With every ultrasound a tiny part of me died. Each and every single time, the knowledge that our child would die knocked the breath out of me. Losing our third baby, the day we walked into the abortion clinic, was literally the worst moment of my life.
Yet, as we navigated the rough road of recurrent pregnancy loss, we did so with hope at our side. With every loss there was hope that the next one would be different and the next one would live. We walked the road and held onto the hope with every single step. The only way we could survive each loss was to hope for a better tomorrow. Hope provided us with the ability to continuing on the road and so we walked one careful step at a time.
When the medical diagnosis was more than we could bare, and all hope was lost, we felt that we were at a fork in the road.
While we had been thinking about different paths for months and researching different options, this was our moment. Somehow we both knew it this was a turning point. And so, in our darkest moments we knew now was the time to make a decision. We weighed our options. We listed out the pros and cons of each and every possibility. We talked. We cried. Should we stay on the same path and try again and hope for the best? Should we risk becoming financially destitute and invest in the medical treatment to try again? Should we find a surrogate, locally or internationally? Should we adopt? Should we live without children?
Physically, my body is broken. Emotionally, my heart is in tatters. One more try and one more loss, might just result in the permanent loss of the spark that makes me, me. We knew that the road of trying again was becoming too dark and too much for us to continue to navigate in any way that resembled something healthy. And so, we made a conscious decision to exit the tumultuous road of RPL. Simply, we knew we had to if we wanted to survive this. We had reach our enough, and it was time to choose a new road.
We chose a new route that will bring us a child and allow us to complete our family…eventually. We chose a road that will save my body from additional trauma. We chose a road that will prevent the death of another innocent child and save our hearts from more death. We chose a route that requires a new type of patience and will to persevere.
The road will not be easy as we learn to navigate new and uncharted territory. Undoubtedly the process will be exhausting. The paperwork intense. The waiting will be brutal. But, once again, hope will guide out path. And, we hope that it will be worth it in the end.
We choose to complete our family with the light and love that comes through adoption. And we choose to continue to live our lives made brighter with hope as our guiding light.
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