Isn’t It Ironic, Don’t You Think?
We had an abortion.
We are adopting.
The situation was far from ideal, but we did chose to end the life of our child.
I am depending on someone else to choose the life of their child so that I can have a child.
The irony of this is not lost on me.
I do realize it’s not as simple as this, but on the surface it could be viewed this simply.
Regardless of what I say and I believe, some may say that I did not fight for our child’s life, some may say that I gave up on our child the day I ended her life.
And yet, now, I need someone else to put their child’s life above all else so that I can be a mother.
If that’s not ironic, I don’t know what is.
We were honest about our choice to terminate for medical reasons while we went through our home study and adoption process. We told our social worker everything. As always, we were honest.
Yet, we noticed that this specific fact was not included in our home study. So, unless we tell the birth mother directly, she will not know.
I know the point of a home study is not to tell every detail about your life. Rather it seems to be about showing what type of family you were raised in, what your marriage is like, how you came to choose adoption and how you work through difficult circumstances. The home study makes mention of our losses and our attempts to figure out how to have children, but it doesn’t focus on it. I get all of this.
Yet, I cannot help but wonder, should a birth mother/father know this specific detail considering that they clearly chose not to have an abortion rather to have the child to place it with a family like us? I don’t have the answer, but I cannot help but wonder.
I don’t have the answer. Who am I to know the right way to handle this situation, it’s one of those life situations that no-one is ever prepared for.
I don’t really think that our decision to terminate for medical reasons will come up in conversation casually, because honestly, I’m yet to encounter a casual conversation about termination. And I can honestly say, I don’t see myself meeting the birth mother for the first time and then saying we had an abortion to save my life. Seriously, how does that just come up in conversation? And I honestly feel as though the focus of the first meeting conversation should be on our future child and our expanding family, including the child and possibly her. And yet, even though our adoption agency didn’t feel the need to share this piece of our lives with potential birth mothers, there is a nagging voice at the back of my mind that says she has the right to know.
And then there is a part of me that fears that she wouldn’t chose us if she knew.
So, what are we to do?
I feel as though this is one on of those situations where there is no road map. A situation where there is no right or wrong. A situation where no-one can tell us what to do.
Really, like so many things we’ve lived through in the last few years, this is yet another one of those situations that just sucks. It’s just another situation that I wish I didn’t even have to contemplate. Yet, I cannot change our losses, I cannot rewrite this part of our lives nor can I forget. Instead, I am left trying to navigate it, hopefully with some grace and compassion.
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