Miscarriage Broke Me
I usually count myself as a survivor of life. I’ve survived losing my mom and sister when I was 14 years old. I’ve survived 5 miscarriages and learning that my uterus is destined to kill any baby that attempts to grow. I’ve survived. Heck, at times I’ve even thrived in the face of all of this.
And yet, sometimes I am reminded that I have lasting breaks within me.
No matter how much healing occurs, no matter how far I come, I will always hold pieces of me that are broken.
- I always had a very healthy relationship with my body. I never thought I was perfect, but I also wasn’t bothered by my flaws. Now, I realize I will always struggle to accept that my body is flawed in such a severe way. I have no realistic ability to overcome this break. My body is broken.
- I no longer ask friends how their pregnancies, unless I see them in person. When I see them in person, I can confirm that the baby is still alive based on their growing baby bumps and so I’m okay with asking. Over the phone, or via text, well I just don’t know. And I just wont go there. What if they lost the baby, and they don’t want to talk about it? I no longer see pregnancy is an exciting thing, or a magical thing. For me, it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever faced and now it simply means death. The death of our child, and possibly even the mother. I no longer think like a normal person. My mind is broken.
- I’ve had too many hurtful comments from people in my life (some well meaning, others not). I’ve lost friends who chose not to contact me again after telling them about our losses. I’ve pulled away from others who are growing their families and experiencing everything I dream of, in order to help protect my heart. I don’t trust people the same way I used to. My heart is broken.
I have no idea what the future will bring. I do not have a crystal ball or magical cards that will tell me the future.
I wish I did. I wish I knew that in 2 years or 5 years or even 10 years, my many breaks will heal and vanish.
But, that’s not how life works, there are no glimpses into the future. Instead, we have to live to unravel the mystery that is tomorrow.
Instead, all I can do is hope. Hope that these experiences turn me into a better person, not a bitter person.
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