I Still Wish
I try really hard not to blame myself for the fact that we cannot have a biological child. I know my body is the cause, this is a fact. But I also know that it’s not my choice, as in this isn’t something I chose to do. Nor is it something I have the ability to control. And yet regardless of this we know, without a doubt, that it is my body with the fault. My body is to blame.
I try not to dwell in this knowledge. Nothing good comes from it.
Yet, what still brings me deep sadness is the realization that my body is the reason that my husband cannot have a biological child. As his brother just welcomed their first child, I cannot help but face the reminder that my body will not allow this to be part of his life. And this causes me to feel sorrow and frustration.
I now that if he married virtually anyone else, he could have a biological child. If he chose someone else he wouldn’t be struggling to pay expensive adoption bills. If he chose someone else, he could have a normal family. Really, if he chose someone else to love, he could have a different future. (I do realize this is an unfair perspective, and it’s a glass half-empty perspective, but that’s where my mind is right now, so I’m not going to force the other side that says there is no such thing as normal, a different future isn’t necessarily a good thing, etc.)
I struggle to work through these thoughts. Rationally, I know that we are okay even after losing 5 babies and that’s pretty amazing. I know that we can get through whatever we face in life, because we’ve already survived so much. And I know that our story and our child’s story will be equally amazing, even though it’s different and the fact that we get to be the author’s of our story is pretty amazing. And, I know we will have child(ren), and that it will be awesome.
But yet, I still wish that I could have done the one thing my body was supposed to do. I still wish that I could have given him a child. I still wish that my body didn’t take away the lives of our children and put us through hell. I still wish we could have held our babies in our arms. I still wish…
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