I Still Wish

I try really hard not to blame myself for the fact that we cannot have a biological child.  I know my body is the cause, this is a fact.  But I also know that it’s not my choice, as in this isn’t something I chose to do.  Nor is it something I have the ability to control.  And yet regardless of this we know, without a doubt, that it is my body with the fault.  My body is to blame.

I try not to dwell in this knowledge.  Nothing good comes from it.

Yet, what still brings me deep sadness is the realization that my body is the reason that my husband cannot have a biological child.  As his brother just welcomed their first child, I cannot help but face the reminder that my body will not allow this to be part of his life.  And this causes me to feel sorrow and frustration.

I now that if he married virtually anyone else, he could have a biological child.  If he chose someone else he wouldn’t be struggling to pay expensive adoption bills.  If he chose someone else, he could have a normal family.  Really, if he chose someone else to love, he could have a different future. (I do realize this is an unfair perspective, and it’s a glass half-empty perspective, but that’s where my mind is right now, so I’m not going to force the other side that says there is no such thing as normal, a different future isn’t necessarily a good thing, etc.)

I struggle to work through these thoughts.  Rationally, I know that we are okay even after losing 5 babies and that’s pretty amazing.  I know that we can get through whatever we face in life, because we’ve already survived so much.  And I know that our story and our child’s story will be equally amazing, even though it’s different and the fact that we get to be the author’s of our story is pretty amazing.  And, I know we will have child(ren), and that it will be awesome.

But yet, I still wish that I could have done the one thing my body was supposed to do.  I still wish that I could have given him a child.  I still wish that my body didn’t take away the lives of our children and put us through hell.  I still wish we could have held our babies in our arms.  I still wish…

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26 Comments on “I Still Wish

  1. I get it but can I offer a half glass full perspective? You will be the best parents to the child you are meant to have! You should mourn the loss of having a biological child, not having a full pregnancy, giving birth, breastfeeding. You have every right to grieve these losses. And the loss of giving your husband a biological child. But this will help you prepare to help your child(ren) mourn the loss of growing up without their biological family. You are strong and resilient. I wish your time was now and hope it is soon. I have full confidence once you hold your baby in your arms you will 100% feel that he/she is the child you are meant to have.

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  2. Well honey, you know right now what he wishes? He wishes you didn’t suffer and go through this pain. He wishes he could gently wipe out the horror that was 5 m/c’s that your body endured alone. He is with you because of you, and wants to have a family with you.
    So, while I understand how hard this hurts, keep in mind he loves you for what you are.
    Please don’t put yourself through this torture, nothing will come out of it except more heartbreak for yourself. He wouldn’t even understand why you are hurting because in his mind its a non-issue.
    Hugs.

    Liked by 6 people

  3. *hugs* I have alot of the same feelings sometimes, knowing my body is at fault and the reason that we have to do IVF, discuss adoption, etc. The biggest thing you can do is remind yourself that he is not with you to have children, he is with you for you. He wants a family with you, and if that means adoption, then it means adoption. Our spouse is the one family member we get to choose, remember that. He chose you.

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  4. I’m sorry it’s a hard time for you right now. You’re waiting for your child, without knowing when they’re going to be here. During this time that you have to wait, your mind has time to jump to these thoughts. I agree with the previous poster, your husband wants you, and a family with you. Your adopted child, when he or she comes, will be your child with your husband. I’m sure it will feel like that. It’s just so hard right now while you’re waiting. Hugs.

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  5. I can’t imagine the sorrow you feel. I have never gotten pregnant. We are in the midst of our first IVF, if for some reason something doesn’t go right, you will be supportive. So here I am supporting you, from Minnesota. I know that you and your husband will be fantastic parents. You child will be so loved there will not be enough space for your love. Waiting is the worst and I pray that your wait is short. Continue to look for the things that make you happy. Continue to be each others support system. It will happen. You will have children to call your own.

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  6. Oh yeah. I think this is a totally normal process to sort through our thoughts and feelings. And it’s healthy to allow ourselves to wish (and mourn) while pushing forward with whatever you have been doing to achieve your goals. I have similar thoughts at times. If my husband had been with someone else, then he wouldn’t have to worry about setting aside so much money for IVF and now egg donation. And the time it takes to reach that point. Sometimes I look at my pregnant coworkers, I so wish that I could just get pregnant like them without going through almost four years of heartaches. But then, like you, I move forward. You are such a strong person. I hope that when the time comes for your baby, the pain and heartaches will diminish. Love to you, friend.

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  7. I so hear these feelings and I won’t discredit them in any way. They are valid and understandable.

    That said, I can’t help but think what a strange, beautiful gift you have given your husband. We do not know the depths of our capacity to love until that love is tested and challenged. I firmly believe that one of the quickest ways to see if someone truly unconditionally loves you is to violate some expectation of who they wanted you to be, who they thought you were, or what they thought your life together would look like and see the response. I also firmly believe that unconditional love for another person is the most rewarding, incredible experience. So true, your body may have violated both of your expectations about what life was going to look like. And that is a bitter pill to swallow. And that effing sucks. And we all so desperately wish that it wasn’t the case.

    But your husband has experienced an unconditional love tested in ways most can’t even imagine and you guys have come out on top. That’s not just something he’s giving to you, something that lights up your world. Unconditional love is a light in the life of both giver and recipient. And if he had chosen someone else, he would very likely have never known just what an incredible person he is, nor would you know your own strength and love. That doesn’t undo all the pain, of course… but it is something.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I think these feelings are totally natural. All of us who have and are struggling have felt them at one point or another. I think it is part of the process. I’m sorry that you’re feeling down. I hope that you can honor these feelings and then let them pass to make room for more joy in your life.

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  9. I’m not going to try and make you see a more positive aspect to your situation or tell you not to beat yourself up. The truth is I think we have all felt the same way at one point or another. I know I have (I even told my husband to divorce me at one point so he could have a family). It’s a shitty thing, but your feelings are real, valid and truthful.

    I know how hard this is for you and I would do anything to help you get through this

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  10. I think that in some way or another, all of us that suffer IF and RPL experience some sort of self-blame, so you’re not alone in your glass half empty feeling right now. DW and I certainly feel resentful of our limitations and how it’s forced us to do highly invasive procedures and cost us lots of emotional heartbreak, time, and money. But then I always realize how lucky we are that we can even afford these things, and I feel grateful again. This journey is a hard one. I think it might be harder on you right now too because you’re seeing a lot of us move through the stages, and you’re still waiting for an indication that you’re gonna get to move through too. Once you are picked by a birth mom (I am sure that this will happen- it’s just a matter of time), I suspect that it will alleviate some of your sadness. Mr. MPB loves YOU. You’re his number 1. Bio child or not, he chose to spend his life with you, and not your reproductive potential. Look at us lesbians lol. So much love, but not a sperm cell between us!

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  11. Definitely have felt this way. Though in our case, when we first started, my Dh was the ‘problem’ and I was the unaffected one. Ha! After a couple of years and losses turns out we’re both crappy at reproducing 😏 – so I guess we ‘deserve’ each other.

    I Think mamaetmaman has a point, when the future is cloudy, it’s harder to feel grounded. It would be so helpful if you were getting more action on your adoption profile right now and I share your frustration. You and mr mpb will make excellent, loving parents. But I also feel really strongly that it’s going to happen for you, no matter what. I think that because you are determined! When I look at how you’ve survived and then did a 180 and fully immersed yourself in adoption, always pushing towards motherhood, I am in awe of your strength and drive.

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  12. Of course you still wish all this. How could you not? It is almost every woman’s dream. The only solace I can offer is the promise these feelings will seem like the past once you have the baby that was meant to be in your family. You will see your husband being the father he was meant to be. You will be filled with love and so much confidence you were meant to have this baby. I don’t think any of this clarity and peace could possibly come yet so I hope you are kind to yourself.

    I know lots of Moms of biological babies that are ungrateful, miserable and have no perspective of the joy and gift they have. That to me is the most tragic. You will know the joy and gift and you will soak it up. Your husband will get to watch you in your moments of pure love and happiness.

    I also think Mr. MPB has won the wife lottery and he knows it. So many people are tested in life and turn bitter or fall apart for good. You have already shown you can handle anything. You can also find joy and hope in the depths of pain. What a gift that must be to be your life partner. Thinking of you during this really hard time. I really hope it is fleeting.

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  13. I am so sorry that you are having a rough day. I’ve recently been feeling like this because of our most recent ectopic but I always remind myself this – we are still here because we have a purpose, we will be parents to our children and we will love them no less because they are adopted. Our husbands chose us for more then us being child baring and sometimes that is hard to remember especially on those rough days. But we are enough & we are more than that. & I know it doesn’t take the pain away or make it easier to understand but when that day comes and your children are with you; you will know : ) Sending thoughts and prayer your way.

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  14. I’m so sorry. The only thing I can say is that your husband may well have not had that anyway but most importantly he wouldn’t have you. I’m sure if you asked him now, you would be the first and foremost one to his mind.

    I can’t imagine how I’d feel in your shoes or how I’d be so strong, I can only understand how it feels to loathe yourself and blame yourself.

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  15. You will have an amazing child(ten) and they will be incredibly lucky to have you and your husband’s love and you will be an amazing family. xx

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  16. I think you will hold this wish forever, even when you have grown children and a happy family and these times are things of the past. As we grow old I think we all carry little “wouldn’t it be nice if” moments in our hearts and this one will be yours. Doesn’t mean you won’t be happy with what you have, And feeling that way is ok. It is still a great loss and you will probably always mourn it to some degree. Good days and bad and all that. Wishing you more of the good ones xx

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  17. I have these thoughts all the time. It is really hard to get them out of your head. You keep blaming yourself. the thing I know though is that my husband has told me he wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else but me, and I think your husband is the same. He loves your. Not because your have a disagreeable uterus because you are a beautiful person.

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  18. Ahhhh I have so been there. Many many times. I have cried about it, been angry about it, become insecure, and felt so freaking guilty. But if it means being with us, these men wouldn’t have it any other way. And I truly understand that now. He loves me more than anything, more than having his own child. It frustrates the hell out of me sometimes, but damn if it doesn’t feel good to finally believe it. Grieve all you need to. Talk to him. Believe him. And you two will get through this.

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  19. Of course you do. I feel the same way sometimes. And if it was me saying this, you would tell me it absolutely isn’t my fault. (In fact, you did say exactly that to me just a couple days ago.) I know that these thoughts will still creep in from time to time, because that’s just part of being human. But I know that you know your husband loves you for who you are, and that this blip in the plan, no matter how big, is not enough to shake his love for you. You’ll both work through this together, and that is part of what keeps you strong. Hang in there friend…sending you love and positive vibes! *hugs*

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  20. I know how intense your pain over this has been. I also know your husband loves you. When be signed on it was for you and all of your characteristics and struggles and he would not want children, adopted or biological, with anyone else. I’m not trying to make it better though. I know you’re sharing thoughts and feelings not to be fixed, but just to share. Xoxo.

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  21. I think these thoughts and feelings are completely natural and if they are not then I am in huge trouble because I have them too so I guess we will be in it together 🙂
    I have become pretty good at ignoring or pushing away these feelings. At one point I started getting paranoid and thinking that perhaps he should be with someone else and if I truly loved him wouldn’t I let him go? These are seriously dangerous thoughts to have, I will say that these emotions were partially brought on in an effort to protect myself because we just found out that my friends husband cheated on her for 9 months with a woman from his work and he got her pregnant and left my friend after years of them struggling with fertility.
    I try to concentrate on the good stuff Mr. T and I have. We are best friends, I have literally never been closer or more myself and completely honest with anyone else I have ever met. We are completely in love. Even with the scheduling around ovulation and such we still have a great life in between the sheets after 8 years of being together. We discover things together and learn things together and never pull out our phones when we are out to dinner. We have so much good going on in our lives and relationship and everytime I start thinking about the bad I force myself to start listing everything good about our lives.

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  22. Your words have such an impact. This is what I am struggling with this year. The facing 40, the empty womb, the emptiness. Knowing it is me. As you said it is not our fault. But no matter what we tell ourselves, the thoughts still creep in. I thank goodness that we have wonderful men in our lives. We have love.

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  23. Mr MPB wants his life with you more than a bio baby… (Wise man) I think I understand how you feel. There is a very high likelihood I’ll never have a bio baby and sometimes I wonder if I will deeply regret that. I suppose it’s like anything that passes you by in life…you get wistful and then adjust to your reality. I agree with Jo, the love is what matters and what will prevail.

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    • Thank Elizabeth. He is a pretty wise man. I think you are right, it’s something that we will get wistful about and then simply adjust to. Really, it seems like no matter how hard we try, in many ways we don’t have much choice in the matter so at some point it just becomes a matter of learning to live with our reality.

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