Today Our Family Grew

The baby has arrived.

I know, without a doubt I love this little baby.

I also know the arrival of this baby, does not change the fact that Mr. MPB and I have been deeply hurt by these family members. Our relationship with the parents is still severely damaged and will likely take years to heal.  However, the baby is innocent to this, and I know without a doubt we will always do everything we can to love and support this child as they grow up.

And beyond that, I honestly don’t know how to feel.  There are no manuals for how to handle these situations and so I am left to navigate this on my own.

I know that as much as I love this child, whom I have only seen in one photo, my heart still aches.

I ache for what we have been through.

I’m sad for what we’ve lost and what we will never have.

I’m devastated that I want to give my husband a child and my body just wont cooperate.

And I’m envious, I want what they have right now.  I want the easy pregnancy.  I want the birth experience. And more then anything, I want to hold our own living child in my arms.

And yet, in the face of these emotions, I am trying to be okay.

I realize today is this child’s birthday and so today is forever for this child.

And so today has nothing to do with the fact that we will never be the ones who give Mr. MPB’s family the first grandchild.  And even more, today has nothing to do with me, our heartbreaking miscarriages or our lost babies.

And so, my emotions, my sorrow, my longing, all of it, is going to take a backseat today.  Publicly I will be nothing but supportive and loving.

Yet in the safety of my own home, I will give myself space to silently process everything.  I will acknowledge how I feel, but I will not focus on it. And outside of Mr. MPB no-one else will know about my feelings.  Sadly, this is my lifelong burden to bare, and so I will with as much dignity as I can muster.

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38 Comments on “Today Our Family Grew

  1. I am sending a big warm hug and the assurance that anything you feel is ok. The only thing I want to remind you of is that the comparison milestones ‘giving the first grandchild’ etc really don’t matter in the scheme of life. You and Mr. MPB will have all the important first milestones when your baby arrives and that will be all that matters even if it doesn’t seem like it right now. You will be too caught up in your baby and the joy and the challenges that all this will be a memory. That being said- I hope you are able to grieve as you need to then pick yourself up and get excited for your new family that will begin hopefully very soon. Xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Mamajo. I know you are right, in the scheme of life this really isn’t a big deal. Unfortunately, and likely in large part because we are still childless, it’s hard right now to be reminded of that. One day, hopefully soon, our lives will change and this will be a distant memory. Now if only that day could happen soon! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Of course it is hard to have some perspective right now and you are most certainly not expected too. Just want to be someone who reminds you :). Xo

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  2. Firstly congratulations Aunt MPB.
    Secondly, there is no condition that you should not grieve because its a happy occasion. So I say, its ok. Nothing wrong in anything you are feeling, in fact I am amazed you are able to analyse yourself so well. Hugs.

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    • As always, thank you so much for your understanding. And for just getting it! Yes, today is exciting, I’m an auntie! And at the same time I can be sad because I’m still not a mom. It’s complicated, but I guess it just is what it is.

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  3. I’m so sorry hun. I think you are dealing with this in the best way possible though. Being there for the child, and happy for the child, but also allowing yourself the emotions you have. We all know nothing good comes from trying to block out how we feel. We’re all here for you.

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  4. Totally understandable, and a very mature way of looking at this situation objectively and from a place of love. These are the ways that I feel our experiences make us stronger, more compassionate, and complex human beings. Being able to set aside our hurt and loss to rejoice in someone else’s joy is a beautiful thing. Although I’m sure we’d all trade these moments for our own victories if given the chance. But what you’re feeling in this moment, is a beautiful thing. Take care of yourself! Sending hugs and prayers.

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  5. I am thinking of you at this difficult time. It is so hard to balance the happiness for this new little life with the pain of your own experience and the complete insensitivity of people around you. I hope you can have space to feel all the emotions you need to surrounding this event, without having to put on a public face.

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  6. So very sorry that you have to process all these mixed emotions silently, without (it seems) the kind of compassion and understanding one would expect from family and loved ones. It’s amazing how others can take someone else’s pain, suffering, grieving process so personally. At least here you can be surrounded by women who understand that even the darkest of feelings surrounding RPL and IF are never really personal.

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  7. Hugs times a million for you, my friend. You are in my thoughts all day today. You may never have an easy pregnancy or experience birth, but you WILL hold your own living child in your arms. It may not have your genes, but it will, without a doubt, be yours.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Congrats to your family, and to you guys for becoming aunt and uncle! It’s understandable for you to feel torn about the situation though. But I feel like you’re going into it with a healthy attitude…you can feel upset or distant from those who have hurt you, but you know it has nothing to do with that baby, and you love it no matter what. We all know that one day (hopefully soon) you guys will hold your baby in your arms, and then none of this will seem so important. Thinking of you *hugs*

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  9. Your baby is going to be cuter. And smarter. And have a way cooler mom.

    In all seriousness, I am sending so much love today. This is going to be hard no matter what anyone says. You don’t have to justify your emotions. When someone else gets the thing you want most in the world, it’s like a slap from the universe.

    I will promise you this: one day you’re going to hold your beautiful (smart) baby in your arms, and these feelings will suddenly be a distant memory. I really hope that day comes soon. It’s *so* your turn.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. What hard mix emotions you must be having. I am so sorry you are going though these emotions and feeling alone. You guys are going to be one awesome aunt and uncle. I am sending you a big hug to help get you through the next few days. I am here though email if you want to chat or need someone to vent too.

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  11. Oh, dear one… this is so hard. You’re doing the absolute best that can be asked of anyone in your situation. You know my motto: Be kind to yourself. This is difficult to remember under the best of circumstances, but more so now. There is no “right” way to feel in cases like this– trust your instincts and you’ll find your way through.

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  12. So many big hugs and prayers of comfort for you. I know this feeling all too well (even while pregnant, I know, it’s weird) and my heart breaks for you. You are such an amazingly strong woman with SUCH a big, loving heart to try to be so selfless. But it’s so important that you’re acknowledging your pain as well. Keep focusing on the innocence of this baby, as that helps your heart from becoming bitter, but continue to take care of yourself too. Ok, that is all for now so I’ll stop crying in my cubicle. Loves to you!

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  13. I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to know the depths of your hurt and pain, nor can I explain why people act so carelessly and selfishly and cause more pain to those who are already hurt. You are in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I am so sorry you’re hurting today. I know you carry this pain with you every day, but I know the birth of this baby makes the pain particularly acute. My heart is with you.

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  15. Jeepers lady you freaked me the hell out. I thought you meant YOUR baby and I desperately began thinking how to get you all the stuff I’ve been gathering for you to you guys.

    I’m really sorry this baby has been a source of such hard feelings and tough experiences.

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  16. First. (((HUGS)))
    Second. Cry all you need to cry. Feel all you need to feel. Grieve & Breathe.
    Third. LOVE on that little new life. There’s nothing like the innocence of a new life to help you grieve and give you hope.
    Forth. Repeat until you feel yourself come back.
    Fifth. Know that…..

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Big hugs coming your way today! You are handling this really well. Respectful of their feelings while acknowledging and allowing yourself to work through your own.

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  18. Congratulations on the new addition to your family. It must be such a hard time for you. I feel your sorrow in this post. You are in my thoughts x

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  19. You’re brave to put on a public face, but be kind to yourself. All the negative feelings you have, I think, are normal. Your love that will grow as an Auntie will be flowing strong soon and overcome them in no time, I am sure 🙂

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  20. I am sorry. I’m sorry for you and your husbands losses. I’m sorry for the lack of support and hurt your family have given you. I’m sorry for the dual emotions you are feeling and think it’s amazing that you can think that independently about the baby, I can’t imagine how hard this is for you at the moment. I know how it hurts and how confusing it can be to be jealous, envious, and not want to be- it’s a very hard place to be in.

    I know you are trying very hard to be supportive but just remember….it’s okay if you’re not okay. Don’t push your feelings aside.

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  21. I know full well exactly the emotions and thoughts and other unidentifiable whatever’s you speak of. I know them so so well. I have no idea what to say to make it better, so I will just say that I KNOW……I understand…….and you’re not alone in any of these thoughts and feelings. I won’t tell you to not do or think this or that…..because I know you’re going to anyway. I’m not going to say you shouldn’t feel or think this or that……because I know you’re going to anyway. I WILL say that you’re entitled to to say and do and think and feel,those things……because you’re entitled to. It’s part of the processing of your individual situation and the circumstances. Your family will not understand this. To them, it just shows how selfish and self centred and miserable a person you are, to take away from the joy, to make it,about you. Even though that is NOT what you’re doing. You CAN be happy for someone else, even in the midst of grieve so thick and sticky that NOTHING but time and going through the steps can dissolve it. And everyone’s grief is different, so nobody can determine how much time or how many times you have to go through the steps it’s going to take. Take as much time and repeat the steps as necessary for YOU. Do what you’re able to do, in the moment. Make the best decision you can make, in the moment. You are only capable ofDoing the best you can do, in the moment, and that is not specific to this situation, but to ALL situations in life. People need to GET THAT, and stop villainising those who need more than they did/would to get through it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I could make it better. Xoxoxo

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  22. My heart broke a little reading this. I just wish come sit with you to help share this burden. You’re doing the best that you can and it is more than enough. Sending loads of love. xx

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  23. Pingback: Today My Family Waits | My Perfect Breakdown

  24. Pingback: I Still Wish | My Perfect Breakdown

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