Today Our Family Grew
I know, without a doubt I love this little baby.
I also know the arrival of this baby, does not change the fact that Mr. MPB and I have been deeply hurt by these family members. Our relationship with the parents is still severely damaged and will likely take years to heal. However, the baby is innocent to this, and I know without a doubt we will always do everything we can to love and support this child as they grow up.
And beyond that, I honestly don’t know how to feel. There are no manuals for how to handle these situations and so I am left to navigate this on my own.
I know that as much as I love this child, whom I have only seen in one photo, my heart still aches.
I ache for what we have been through.
I’m sad for what we’ve lost and what we will never have.
I’m devastated that I want to give my husband a child and my body just wont cooperate.
And I’m envious, I want what they have right now. I want the easy pregnancy. I want the birth experience. And more then anything, I want to hold our own living child in my arms.
And yet, in the face of these emotions, I am trying to be okay.
I realize today is this child’s birthday and so today is forever for this child.
And so today has nothing to do with the fact that we will never be the ones who give Mr. MPB’s family the first grandchild. And even more, today has nothing to do with me, our heartbreaking miscarriages or our lost babies.
And so, my emotions, my sorrow, my longing, all of it, is going to take a backseat today. Publicly I will be nothing but supportive and loving.
Yet in the safety of my own home, I will give myself space to silently process everything. I will acknowledge how I feel, but I will not focus on it. And outside of Mr. MPB no-one else will know about my feelings. Sadly, this is my lifelong burden to bare, and so I will with as much dignity as I can muster.
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