Today My Family Waits

Today, I find myself slightly bitter.

Last week, our extended family grew.  We now have a beautiful little baby who will forever have part of our hearts.

We took the weekend and escaped to the mountains. And yet, when we returned home, my heart and mind became heavy.

My arms are still empty and there are no signs to make me think our baby is coming anytime soon.

In fact the most recent sign, our monthly adoption wait update, just increased my frustration and loneliness.  Our monthly update was an identical repeat of our first.  Some women looked at our profile and no-one chose us. Again, we weren’t even anyone’s second or third choice.

I know it can take time to be matched and placed.  I know it wont happen over night.  But, it’s already been 3 years of trying and losing and waiting and trying and losing and waiting.  It’s been a vicious cycle and now we are living purely in waiting and I hate it.  I really just want out of this loop.

And I am also really sick of waiting and watching others have their children.  Virtually all our friends and family members have at least one kid now.  And, we are not even being lapped by some for a second time.  I’m jealous. I’m envious.  I’m bitter.  And I hate those feelings. I hate knowing this side of myself.

I want it to be our turn!  I want to wrap my arms around our baby.  I want to sing lullabys.  I want to change smelly diapers (well, sort of).  I want to tickle baby toes. I want to read stories to our child.  I want Mr. MPB to be the father he is meant to be. I want to be a real mom.

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63 Comments on “Today My Family Waits

  1. I’m with you on this, the waiting, the losing, three years of it all, 100%. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way, but it’s completely natural given what you’ve been through and are going through, even though I know this doesn’t help much. Don’t beat yourself up over feeling like this, you’ve been through such a lot and we all have those days. Sending lots of love xx

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    • Thank you so much for commiserating! I always appreciate knowing that I’m not alone, and that these seemingly abnormal feelings of jealousy and frustration are normal in our situation. And you are right, this is just a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sad to say I can 100% empathize with this. I’ve reached a point where I feel it’s okay for me to be a bit jealous and envious, because even IF’ers are lapping me at this point. And while I know the wait will hopefully be worth it, it doesn’t make the limbo any easier. Just know there are plenty of us out thee stuck in the wait with you to commiserate with.

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    • Angela, I hate that you can relate so well. And you are right, it’s hard to watch even the IF sisters lapping us. I know many will have their first soon and some will start to have their second babies soon, and that’s hard to watch sometimes. It’s hard to know that even those who understand the struggle are having their dreams come true while we just sit here waiting. (I don’t want to take away from those who are having children, particularly those who have struggled, but it is only fair to recognize my feelings in this.
      Thank you for commiserating, I am also thankful for your friendship.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I think that is just it, we have to remind ourselves that it’s okay to feel the way we do, while also being happy for them. It’s a hard place to be, but I truly think we need to acknowledge our own feelings in this.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry hun. Hang in there. You’re perfect baby is out there somewhere and they will find you. Waiting sucks and it’s not fair that any of us have to go thru this. Sending you a big hug.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your kind words and your encouragement. You are right, waiting sucks. But I also have to believe that our baby is out there somewhere and hopefully we’ll meet soon! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Given what you’ve been through, and how awesome you two would be as parents, it’s totally natural that you would feel bitter and envious. I definitely did and still do at how easily some people have come by having children or how some people take their children for granted. Can the agency/lawyer who shows the profiles give you any feedback on why you’re not making the top 3?

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    • Thanks for understanding my friend. I think we could ask our agency why we aren’t making it to the top 3, but I’m pretty confident that I know the answer – the right match just hasn’t happened yet. And the reality is to change our profile book will cost a bunch of cash. And to change our criteria requires approval from our local agency and provincial government approval which is costly and time consuming. And it also risks changing things that really do matter to us regarding our child’s health. So at this point we aren’t willing to compromise, and honestly we’d probably choose not to adopt and live childless before we’d choose to open ourselves up to a life that we don’t want for ourselves or our child.
      All of this is to say, as much as I’m frustrated and annoyed today, I am also not willing to change anything that we could potentially change, at least not yet. I hope I’m making sense.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Totally makes sense. Your hands are tied, in a sense. It just bugs me because you guys are so awesome, and if these birth moms knew even a sliver of how awesome you are, you’d be their top pick every time. I guess maybe this is fate’s way of finding you the RIGHT child (for you), not necessarily the quickest match. I think it helps to think of it that way. Hugs to you my friend. I wish we lived closer, I’d take you for coffee.

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  5. It’s completely understandable and normal for you to feel this way. Though it’s only been 1 1/2 years for us, and not as many losses, I’m still so bitter about everyone around me having babies all the time. It shouldn’t be this hard for people to do the one thing that we were put on this earth to do. I’m sorry things are going so slow with the adoption stuff. I’m not sure if you know the answer to this, but how do they choose who to show your book to or not? Or is it just in some random pool of adoptive hopefuls, so that it’s sort of the luck of the draw? Either way, I hope that some day soon someone sees how wonderful you guys are and chooses you.

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    • I think anyone who is on this horrible ride known as IF/RPL becomes bitter about everyone else around them popping out kids seemingly without any effort. It’s hard not to be envious of those around us who appear to be doing exactly what we want to do. Arg, I’m sorry you get this so well, and yet I’m also not surprised that you do. It’s just part of our lives now. 😦
      The books are shown based on having the same criteria checked by both us and the birth family. So, they look at the races that we’ve checked and the race of the birth mother/father. They look at drugs and alcohol exposure, family medical history, birth mother expenses, etc. I’m told it’s similar to online dating in that it’s a giant database that spits out the best matches.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ha…kinda amusing that they equate it to online dating. Makes sense though, I guess that’s the best way to keep track of everyone.

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      • Actually the online dating reference made sense when someone in the USA said to to us. It’s just a different form of dating I guess. 🙂
        It’s also part of why we chose the USA, because that’s not exactly how it works locally.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Just another comment letting you know you’re not alone (by far!) in feeling that way….I can completely identify with what you wrote. I hate feeling like a jealous, envious person over what should be such a happy, beautiful thing for friends and family bringing a new baby into the world. But it’s just not that easy. I think the best I can do at this point is try to acknowledge that I have those feelings and then try to let them go. Easier said than done!!

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    • Thank you so much Lauren. Your shared understanding of these hard feelings make it feel a bit more “normal”. I guess these feelings are another one example of normal in an abnormal situation. I really do appreciate knowing that I’m not alone in these feelings, thank you.

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  7. I wish it was your turn too. This all feels so slow, but once you’re matched, it will go lightning fast, I bet. That’s the amazing thing about IF and I assume RPL… once you find out about the baby that’s going to stick, that long past all of a sudden feels like it wasn’t as long as you remember. I hope that happens for you.

    I’m sending hope that your baby pops up soon!

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  8. Sorry you’re going through this. The waiting is the hardest part. Bad enough when you have a date. When you don’t have one? Unbearable. Wish I could give you a hug because I reckon you need one pretty bad right now.

    Just remember: Chin up. Goodthings come to those who wait. 😉😘

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    • It’s a different type of waiting then before, and the lack of any dates or any time frame just makes it so hard. As you say, unbearable. A hug is exactly what I need, thank you. And the reminder that good things come to those who wait is also much appreciated.

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  9. Sent you a text, but wanted to give you some extra love on here as well. This sucks. There’s no other way around it. It’s just crap. But I know your sweet baby is coming…I just hope he or she gets here soon so you don’t have to endure much more of this awful waiting!

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    • Thank you my friend. I have been on the phone all day with work and haven’t had a chance to look at it yet. 🙂
      Thank you so much for your kindness and hope that we meet our baby sooner rather then later.

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  10. The heart wrenching frustration multiplied by lonely arms is just plain awful. I’m sorry. I wish It would get better faster for you, something…anything, any ray of baby hope to keep your spirits up.
    You’re riding this wave like a champ. Sending you Monday hugs 😉

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      • Oh, I hear ya! You can only “distract” yourself so much when the one thing you want most in the world pretty much controls your thoughts. I am hoping your waiting is OVER very SOON!!! Can’t wait to read that blog post!!!

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      • Yes! You are right, I spend my days trying to work or hiking in the mountains only to find myself thinking things like “I cannot wait to do this with our child” or “I cannot wait until my days are spent caring for our child, not working.” Arg, it’s so frustrating!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. That is so rubbish! I bet it feels like an interminable wait. As Courtney says though, I bet it will go quickly when you are matched. That’s not much consolation for you now, but we are all rooting for you. I guess the one analogy I’d use is that you are better off waiting for a perfect match for you, than changing criteria and opening it up to the risk that it wouldn’t be such a good match. By doing all the matching they are increasing your chances of success.
    I’m hoping for news for you! And sending you hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Nara! You are so right about waiting for the perfect match rather then changing our criteria – we could do that, it’s an option available to us. But we also realize that we made the decisions we made for the right reasons for us. It’s hard to wait, but I know it’s the best decision for us and for our child. This is a lifelong decision and we need to be true to ourselves.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I have a feeling you will get your news this winter (Although I know that doesn’t help with the waiting or ease the pain and frustration). I just picture you celebrating the holiday season knowing this next year has so much joy to bring. I can tell you that the pregnancy announcements aren’t always easier once you are pregnant or matched with an adoption. I still cringe a bit when I hear “so and so is pregnant with #2”. I am always grateful that other people do not have to experience what we did, but the announcements that make me truly happy are the ones that come from this community.

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  13. I’m sorry. It’s not fair, and it sucks, and I completely understand why you feel the way you do (even though I don’t actually know what it would be like to be there, and I’m sure it’s even worse than I’m imagining). I hope your one perfect match of a birth mother comes along and sees your profile very soon. Have you asked the adoptive parents that you’ve become friends with if they have tips, either for surviving the wait or for tweaking your profile? Any chance of help from the adoption lawyer? I’m hoping as hard as I can for you, and sending you lots and lots of good wishes!

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    • Thanks for your empathy. I have talked to others about the adoption wait, and it seems like the adoption wait is just like TWW, just longer and without an expected end date. No-one seems to have great advice, just keep busy and try to live while you wait. And everyone says the longer you wait, the harder it is. And I feel like I have no right to complain to those I know locally because they wait an average of 3 years. So my complaining at 2 months would be laughable for them.
      I’m trying to resist the urge to call our lawyer because I rationalize that their time is better spent finding us a match then dealing with my crazy. That said, if I’m going squirrely at the 3 month mark I might make a phone call. 🙂
      Thanks again my friend. I hope you are doing well.

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  14. It’s so, so very not fair. Sending hugs and hopes you get the match you’ve been waiting for very, very soon.

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  15. Oh hon the wait must be so hard on you. It is heartbreaking and just not fair. I truly hope you are matched before too long and you get the chance to hold that beautiful baby in your arms. X

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  16. Oh man, I get it. By year three I did feel bitter (and still do) and held grudges about comments/events I would have let go of earlier in the journey. And I definitely feel you on even being lapped by fellow IFers. I have three freinds from my first round of Ivf in early pregnancy with #3. Plus at 38 I feel ancient and grumpy.

    I think it’s ok to feel that way from time yo time. It’s only natural. There’s a clock ticking for all of us, unfortunately times in life like IF make you infinitely aware of the passage of time and that’s a hard place to be.

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  17. I want this for you too – SOON!!! I firmly believe you will be a better parent as a result of all this pain and waiting. You will get there. In the meantime, I know it’s so hard and I too hated the feelings I had towards others. You will get there. I wish someone could tell you when.

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  18. The saddest thing to think of is how normal your feelings are right now for infertility couples and I bet even for adoption couples. Its just horrible that anyone has to experience this kind of pain. Let alone such an amazing person like yourself.

    I am so sorry that you were not picked this month again. These people seriously do not know how awesome you and Mr. B are. I can’t see why they wouldn’t want their child to have parents like you. My heart breaks and aches for you. I sure will continue to keep you in my positive thoughts for next month. No one deserves this pain, no one. ❤

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  19. I look forward to the day you will say it all was worth the wait, but in the meantime, waiting with no idea of your timetable just really, really sucks.

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  20. It’s ok to be angry and to have these feelings of WHEN WILL IT BE ME! What I’ve always admired about you is your ability to acknowledge these feelings but never allow yourself to be trapped by them…One of the qualities that will make you an incredible mother. Hoping and praying your turn is next.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I know exactly how it feels to be lapped. Some women who started IVF around the same time as me are mothers and talking about the next IVF baby already. Really? I know you know this already but the jealousy will pass and you’ll be in a better place soon. Just keep writing about it.

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  22. You have so earned the right to be bitter and angry and frustrated. I am for you too. You have endured so much and have somehow kept your grace and joy for life. It truly baffles and inspires me. Seriously wallow away. You deserve to let it all in for a bit. We all know you will be back soon feeling hopeful and yourself again. I want this baby for you so very badly. I told my husband if the world had a finite amount of babies ( thankfully it doesn’t work that way) I would give you the one allotted for me if I could. But alas- we will both get one somehow someway. Hugs.

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  23. Thinking of you… a new baby in the family (or in a close friends’ family) really brings it front and center the horrible injustice of it all. Is the only way you get updates through these emails? I feel like that must make the wait harder, knowing how many people DIDN’T choose you each month instead of waiting for a good call after months of no news. I feel like for me, it would make me feel worse than no update at all. I hope that your wait is short and you can wade through this emotional swamp to the other side. I totally get your feelings. Peace to you…

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  24. Waiting just sucks. We’ve done all we can at this point and now we just have to wait. My heart goes out to you…I totally get how frustrating it is. Sending you lots of love!

    Like

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