Celebrating Father’s Day
As we went into Father’s Day this year, I refused to focus on the negatives. As you know, my husband is a father, just none of his children are living.
I refused to let this year be a repeat of last year, a day where I felt bad for what I could not give him. A day where I felt bad for what we have lost. A day where he didn’t seem to bothered by it, and I did.
Honestly, I don’t think Mr. MPB is bothered by father’s day in quite the same way as I am bothered by mother’s day. I think, his perception has always been more of I will be a father one day, and until then I’m not going to dwell on a Hallmark day.
Now, I’m not positive, he’s never come out and said that to me. Yet, based on his mannerisms and attitude towards life, I don’t think he internalizes the day to represent what we have lost and what we do not have yet. Maybe this is one of those man vs. women differences? Or maybe just a Mr. MPB vs. Mrs. MPB difference. I don’t really know.
Regardless of how we internalize these dates differently, I had plans for Father’s Day. In fact, I had grand plans:
- I plan to celebrate him, as my husband and the father of our children who did not survive to take their first breaths.
- I plan to celebrate that he will be a father to a living child, soon enough. If all goes well with our adoption, he may be a father by this time next year!
- I plan to celebrate him as a wonderful man. A man with the heart of a father who is ready to welcome our child into his life. A man who cares deeply and loves even deeper. The man I love with every bit of my being.
So this year, we did not hide from Father’s Day. Instead, we spent father’s day doing something he loves. Essentially, my celebration of him was to give him a day of enjoyment. This means we spent the day hiking in the mountains. The mountains always bring us a sense of calm and peace. So, inevitably a day hiking in the mountains meant that we were both happy and chill.
For me, there was immense meaning in the day, because I didn’t hide from it – I was able to accept the day without having an emotional breakdown. However, for him it was a subtle celebration because when I said a simple happy fathers day to him he looked at me like I had three heads.
Honestly, this year was different because I know that we will have a baby one day – adoption gives us this certainty, it’s just a matter of time. Second, this year was different because I have come to a place where I’m done letting societal pressure tell us how we should and should not feel. We may not have children to spend the day with, but we will enjoy father’s day in our very own way. Mr. MPB deserve as much, and quite frankly, so does every other man who holds the dreams of his child(ren) in his heart not his arms.
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Beautiful post. Mr. MPB absolutely IS a father, and I’m glad you celebrated him yesterday to acknowledge that. And soon enough, he’ll be a father to a child he holds in his arms.
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Thank you Lindsay! It was nice to spend the day thinking about the fact that I am so excited for the day that he holds our child for the first time!! 🙂
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Aw, good for you for making it through such a difficult day so gracefully. I also said “Happy fathers’ day” to my husband, and he got it — probably because he remembered how hard I took mothers’ day. 🙂 You know, it feels to me like your family and my family are in very similar places right now, even though it might not look that way on the surface. Both of us have a reasonably high probability of having a living baby join our family in the next year (you probably higher than me at this point!), and we’re both starting to figure out what that means for us. So yes, fathers’ day this year was bittersweet — it was definitely a reminder of what we’ve lost, but we also have more hope now than we’ve had for a long time. Thanks for this sweet reflection!
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I’m glad your husband got it! Mr. MPB was a little bit slow to figure out what I was talking about, but he did eventually acknowledge what I was saying.
I do agree, it sounds like our families are pretty similar right now. But I would say you probably have a higher probability of having a living baby this year – funny how our perspectives are. That said, it sounds like we both had a different kind of fathers day this year, one where we could look forward not just back. Bittersweet is a good word.
Love to you my friend. I am so hopeful for you.
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Ha! Yes, isn’t it funny how at this stage we both believe that everyone else’s chances are better than ours? 🙂 I guess the thing to keep in perspective is that we’re both in a place where we’ve got lots of reasons to hope for a better future, and that’s a lovely thing!
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I’m so happy you celebrated in your own way. Hiking in the Mountains sounds wonderful! 🙂
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Thank you! It was a pretty wonderful day. We actually passed multiple families who were clearly out celebrating fathers day too, and it didn’t even bother me. It was just a happy day with nature. 🙂
I hope you had a good day as well, and found a way to spend time with your man who is and will be an amazing father!
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I’m so glad you have decided to celebrate. You are both parents and deserve to be celebrated. ❤ Hope you had a great day!
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Thank you so much!! We did enjoy the day. I hope you too had a wonderful day with your little one and your husband!
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I’m always telling you how lucky you are to have Mr. MPB, but I would say he’s pretty lucky to have you too!
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Awe, thanks! I do consider myself the lucky one. 🙂
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You totally nailed it– we can’t hide from days like this like they aren’t happening. I’m not one for mother’s or father’s day, but in retrospect I made mother’s day worse by trying to avoid it.
I’m glad you both found a way to celebrate!
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Exactly! Every word you said here is exactly true. This was the first time I really felt like I found a way to co-exist with a hallmark day without just feeling sorry for myself and bitter at the world for what I don’t have. I don’t know, but I do hope it’s a sign of what’s to come as our lives are changing from focusing solely on what we have lost to what we will have in the future.
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I kind of feel the same way about Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as I do about Valentine’s Day. Yes, it’s important to take the time to acknowledge parents and love, respectively, but if we honour these people regularly (as you do with your getaways and cooking nice meals together), it’s not such a big deal to have a single day to do it. For me (and I assume a little bit for you too), Father’s Day has a sort of sting to it. I spent the majority of yesterday avoiding social media so as not to be bombarded by how awesome a father everyone has (and I don’t have, and you had but is not as dedicated to you as he is his other kids now).
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I completely agree with your perspective. All of these days are nice enough, but I believe we should live in a way that we don’t just recognize the people we love on a specific date every year.
And like you say, these days are hard for those of us who don’t have parents to celebrate either because they are gone or because they are not the individuals we want/need them to be. I think that’s partly why we run away to the mountains on these type of dates – it allows us to find peace in nature while we are disconnected from technology and the social pressure to celebrate something that just isn’t something we necessarily want to celebrate.
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Good choice. Here’s hoping you can’t go hiking next Father’s Day because it’s just too much of a drag with a diaper bag… 🙂
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I like your thinking! That would make for the best father’s day ever! 🙂
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What a beautiful way to honor him, sweetie. Truly.
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Thanks! I’ve learned that spending time in the mountains refreshes our souls, so sometimes that’s the best thing we can do. 🙂
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I’m glad that you guys were able to celebrate, even if Mr. didn’t feel he had anything to celebrate for lol! It’s beautiful of you to want to do this for him though. I didn’t really know how to deal with this holiday…my father died years ago, and B’s passed last May. We should have had a couple week old baby in our arms right now, but instead we are starting our first round of IVF. I’m kinda glad that I had to work so that I didn’t really have to think about it. Hopefully next year will be better for both of us!
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I’m sorry your father’s day was so rough given how many things are not what you’d like them to be right now. I’m sorry for the loss of both yours and B’s fathers. And I’m also deeply sorry that you didn’t get to hold your baby as you had hoped and dreamed of. I do hope next year we both have babies in our arms, not just our hearts!
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So glad u celebrated and enjoyed this special day with him! We did the same this year which was a first.
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Thank you! For me, it was nice to be able to think of the future this year, rather then just the past losses. I’m glad you are also trying to find a way to celebrate!
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I’m sure it was! Thank you 🙂
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