Father’s Day Without a Living Child

It sucks to know that father’s day is here, and my husband doesn’t get to celebrate being a father. And, this year, unlike last year, I think we are both realizing that we may never be parents. He may never be a father. He may never get to teach his child to ride a bike, or help his child catch their first fish, or teach his child how to skate. He may never know any of these simple joys.

But for me, today, on father’s day, I just feel sad for us and for my husband. I feel sad that father’s day is a day we’d rather avoid then a day we’d like to celebrate. Sure, my husband will call his dad and wish him a good day. My dad’s away on vacation, so I’ll send a text which he may or may not get. But, other than that, we will avoid.

Avoid, just like we often do.

We cope differently. We process differently. But the one thing we both do is avoid hard days and family gatherings with all the little nieces and nephews.

If he had his way, I think we’d bury our head in the sand and try to ignore all this infertility stuff. Often, he would like to pretend that this isn’t occurring and not even discuss it or discuss anything baby related. If I had my way, we’d talk it through and map out every single possible route forward through the midfield of infertility explosions and where possible we’d make decisions and come to agreements in advance of stepping on a critical and emotional landmine. This might a slight over simplification of what we both want to do, but I think you get the point – we cope differently.

(Okay, who am I kidding, if we both actually got our way, we would have not had a single miscarriage, and instead we’d have at least one healthy child by now, maybe two, but since that’s clearly not possible, I won’t say any more on the subject).

Some days we cope his way, and some day we cope my way. Some days we do a mix of both.

But, since his father’s day will not consist of playing with a child, today will be about having a good day and enjoying what we do have – each other, friends, love and mountain fresh air.

15 Comments on “Father’s Day Without a Living Child

  1. Rough day here too. We are, however, so lucky to have the men we do. I remember being in my early 30’s and thinking how happy I was that I wasn’t getting divorced like other friends, that I was lucky to be alone and independent and strong. And then I met the DH. When people talk about children, about how having them introduces you to a love you have never before known, I think what they mean is that it is a transformative kind of love. I have found it already. DH and I just want to share it. So glad you are having a good day despite it, and enjoy that mountain air!

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    • Thanks for the comment. I completely agree that we too already have that kind of love and just want to share it with children.

      I hope you found a way to enjoy the day!

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  2. I feel your pain. I believe that if you want it bad enough, you will end up with a child. Miscarriage sucks and this time of year sucks with Mother’s and Father’s day.

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    • Thanks for the comment. I would like to believe that if you want something in life bad enough, it will happen. However, I’m just not convinced that that’s always true. In the circumstance of wanting children, many people desperately want children, but its just not always possible. Anyways, I wish it were that easy, but for us, it definitely isn’t. And it takes a lot of work and time to accept that its not just as easy as wanting children.
      Anyways, I hate that you understand this pain and I wish you the best on these difficult days.

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  3. I feel your pain hon. I hope you were able to make the best out of yesterday and enjoyed the day with each other.

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      • Thanks hon. We camped out on the couch and watched movies all day. It was exactly the kind of day we needed 🙂

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      • Sounds wonderful! We were supposed to be camping all weekend, but gave up on Saturday evening after 24 hours straight of rain when the thought of spending another night in a slightly wet tent didn’t excite either one of us. So, after a wonderful Saturday night in our own bed, we also had a quite Sunday at home. It was a delightful weekend. 🙂

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      • Sorry you got rained out, but glad it was still a great weekend!

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  4. Pingback: Celebrating Father’s Day | My Perfect Breakdown

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