I Had A Dream

I’m not one to dream.  Or at least I’m not one to remember my dreams.  And I’m not one to associate meaning with dreams, probably in part because I virtually never dream.

But last night, I had a dream and I remember it clear as day.

I was pregnant with triplets and at the hospital.  I was hooked up to a tonne of machines and Mr. MPB was there with me.  We watched one baby lose their heart beat.  Then we watched a second one die immediately after.  They rushed to deliver the third one before it died.

That’s it. I have no idea if the third one lived or not.

The next thing I woke up for the day.  I was in a rush because I was running late for a meeting.  And yet I froze.  I couldn’t help but wonder, seriously, why am I having dreams like this?

First, triplets?!  Ya, not going to happen!

Second, Mr. MPB was with me.  Literally, even in my dreams he is beside me, supporting me every step of the way.  I sure love that guy.

Third, we made it to the delivery room and our babies still died.  We really will never have a safe date.

Fourth, now I dream about miscarriage?  Will this part of my life ever actually be behind me?  I want to move on. I am moving on. And yet my subconscious is still going there.

Fifth, if I never remember dreams, why did I have to remember this one?  I would be happy to not be thinking about this right now.  In fact I’d be thrilled to be thinking about happy flowers, sunshine and our dog – why can’t I have dreams about playing with our dog in a field of sunflowers?  That seems like a great way to start a day!

So for me, this dream is just another reminder that life after recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility is not free of loss and grief.  Our losses will always be part of who I am, and it may creep up on me when I least expect it.

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23 Comments on “I Had A Dream

  1. How awful. Dreams can feel so real and haunt us all day. All I can say is you have had way more than your fair share of heartache yet you somehow find a way to pick yourself up, find joy and find strength. It is amazing to me. I know you will be able to face anything that comes your way. I am just looking forward to a long series of happy moments and miracles for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ya, that wasn’t one of my best ever dreams. But, it is what it is, I guess.
      Thank you so much for your kindness and hope for our future happy moments and miracles. Here’s to hoping it happens sooner rather then later. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry for this rough way to start a day, but I needed to hear those last words today — “life after RPL and infertility is not free of loss and grief.” So for that I thank you. I’ve really been struggling with how unhappy I am at work and how trapped I feel there. I know this doesn’t seem related to IF or anything you’re talking about here but to me it feels so completely connected. In so many ways, I am beating myself up for being pregnant. I am racked with guilt about having fought to get here and now feeling like maybe I should have waited, maybe the time wasn’t right, maybe I was my usual impatient, impulsive, push-too-hard, I-want-what-I-want-when-I-want-it self. I’m pissed off that I didn’t get my ducks in a row before getting pregnant like I thought I did and now I’m paying for it. And in many ways, I’m grieving a loss of freedom — losing the ability to say EFF THIS and take a huge leap of faith trying to find another job. It’s especially hard to feel even occasionally, remotely frustrated by the many different annoyances of pregnancy or parenthood after infertility because you just feel like such an ungrateful bitch. And the fear that it could all be taken away and then wouldn’t it just really serve you right for being so ungrateful makes it all the worse. So often I try to tell myself that because our time in treatment was brief and non-invasive and because we didn’t suffer the way so many others have suffered that means I’m not “really” affected… but that’s a lie. It’s still traumatic and I’m still recovering. So, all this to say, sorry for making this all about me but thank you for the reminder that it’s OK to not be all-the-way healed.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It seems like you and I have been on the same page lately on many things – work, timing of children, not being fully healed, etc.
      I firmly believe work and IF are related. Honestly, IF/RPL impacts every single part of our lives. And I mean every single thing. It permeates our inner being and not a day goes by where we aren’t reminded of it in some way shape or form (I do hope as we age out of the baby stage of life, the reminders will lesson, but for now it’s real and ever present). I left my old job, a decently high paying,secure job that was also full of toxic people and stress, due to our losses. It pushed me over the edge, and something had to change, I chose my career because my mental health seemed more important in the long run. So, I do firmly believe that IF and work are related.
      Also, I do want to add, your struggle to get pregnant, is legitimate because it is YOUR struggle. Comparing yourselves to others is only going to make you question things that make no sense to question. Comparison isn’t going to change how your struggle has impacted you, and I hope you can remind yourself of that whenever you start comparing. So much love to you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate to this. Dreams are so strange in that they seem so real and yet unreal at the same time. It’s like you’re actually experiencing something. It will sound weird but I’ve experienced things in dreams that I hadn’t experienced in life, and then when they happened it felt exactly the same. So it’s scary when things happen that might happen in life, I think. I’m really sorry you’re experiencing distressing dreams. I think it’s our subconscious way of working through emotions and experiences. I don’t know what to do to stop them either. If you find out then let me know! Sending you hugs xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’ve never been one to dream much, so when I woke up remembering this one I was a bit shocked. And your right, it felt so real and yet unreal at the same time. I dunno what my subconscious is up to, but it was just weird.

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      • I don’t know. I’ve had some really weird dreams! I think they don’t particularly map to real life but are more an abstraction of what you’ve been thinking about. Also you lay down longer term memories overnight when you’re sleeping so it’s your brain’s way of processing! I love sleeping! Also I don’t mind having a bad dream so much because the relief of waking up and knowing it’s not real is fantastic x

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  4. What a horrible nightmare. Vivid awful dreams like that are so hard to shake. I’m sorry your pain of loss haunts you even in your sleep. It’s inescapable sometimes and I hope your heart heals and your home is soon welcoming a little one.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for your support. It’s weird, I feel as though my heart is healing, I feel like I am in such a better place now then I was just a year ago. And yet, a dream like this just shakes me to my core.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I tend to have really vivid dreams, and often wake up feeling wounded and distraught. I’m sorry you had such a terrible nightmare. How cruel for life to throw you one like that where you have to relive the worst moments of your life. I hope that you are able to find a way to deconstruct some of it so that you can find positive meaning from it. DW always shakes me awake from these types of dreams (as I tend to whimper and cry out loud as I’m dreaming). Then she holds me for several minutes until I’ve calmed. I’m sending you the same hugs and calm healing vibes.

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  6. This is a truly awful dream. It reminds me of a blogger who experienced this with her twins, and I remember thinking back then that she was living my worst nightmare.

    I am a vivid dreamer, and I remember them. I hate this about myself because they can haunt me for hours afterwards. I don’t put any meaning into them though… I know they’re just dreams (except the one where my cat came to visit me and I could feel her, smell her, hear her, and woke up rubbing the mattress where she slept with me every night).

    I choose to believe the third baby lived. 😁

    Shake it off is all you can do. It sounds like you’re doing that!

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  7. You lost your hope of carrying a pregnancy, and your old job. You’re possibly going to become a mom through adoption, but that’s not here yet.

    That’s my guess about what it means. After I finished my degree and was struggling to find work I had a lot of dead baby dreams, then when I got a permanent position, those dreams stopped. And dreams in general are very rare for me these days.

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  8. I’m sorry. :-/ Dreams like this are so difficult. I don’t know if they ever go away — I’ve had my share of miscarriage/stillbirth dreams while pregnant, but I think neither of us is far away enough to know yet whether or when they’ll end. I hate that feeling of waking up mourning the loss of dream babies — it’s the worst. Sending you strength and hoping for better things to come in your waking life!

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  9. Oh hon what a terrifying dream. Sometimes the brain just needs to have a rest day. Sheesh. Hugs for you. I hope you day got better after this x

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  10. I’m sorry that you had a dream like that. I will tell you that what you dream usually doesn’t have a literal meaning. Like being chased means you’re dealing with stress or struggles in life; dreaming of tidal waves means a big life change, things like that. It sucks that your mind won’t let you have peace with these things, but maybe it brought it up for a reason. Try not to let it upset you too very much…the mind has a strange way of working, I don’t think it was meaning to torture you. *hugs*

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  11. That is horrible. As if you haven’t lived through this horror enough in your awake life! That said, I think dreams many times pop up as a way for us to process our experiences and emotions. I hope you don’t have another dream like this, though.

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  12. Oh friend…what a horrible dream to have…dreams are weird like that. Did you know that depending on how long after the dream you wake up determines how much of it you remember? You were probably startled awake which is probably why you remember this dream so vividly. That’s why nightmares stick with us so much longer…and this is truly a nightmare that you had…I hope that it’s indicative of you guys getting a baby soon…that would be pretty awesome…

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