I Had A Dream
I’m not one to dream. Or at least I’m not one to remember my dreams. And I’m not one to associate meaning with dreams, probably in part because I virtually never dream.
But last night, I had a dream and I remember it clear as day.
I was pregnant with triplets and at the hospital. I was hooked up to a tonne of machines and Mr. MPB was there with me. We watched one baby lose their heart beat. Then we watched a second one die immediately after. They rushed to deliver the third one before it died.
That’s it. I have no idea if the third one lived or not.
The next thing I woke up for the day. I was in a rush because I was running late for a meeting. And yet I froze. I couldn’t help but wonder, seriously, why am I having dreams like this?
First, triplets?! Ya, not going to happen!
Second, Mr. MPB was with me. Literally, even in my dreams he is beside me, supporting me every step of the way. I sure love that guy.
Third, we made it to the delivery room and our babies still died. We really will never have a safe date.
Fourth, now I dream about miscarriage? Will this part of my life ever actually be behind me? I want to move on. I am moving on. And yet my subconscious is still going there.
Fifth, if I never remember dreams, why did I have to remember this one? I would be happy to not be thinking about this right now. In fact I’d be thrilled to be thinking about happy flowers, sunshine and our dog – why can’t I have dreams about playing with our dog in a field of sunflowers? That seems like a great way to start a day!
So for me, this dream is just another reminder that life after recurrent pregnancy loss and infertility is not free of loss and grief. Our losses will always be part of who I am, and it may creep up on me when I least expect it.
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