The Fear Is Strong With This One
Sometimes my heart breaks.
Today is one of those days.
A friend, another adoptive family, found out there baby was born. And then, they found out the birth mother decided to parent*.
My heart sank when she told me. I felt myself catch my breath as tears fell from my eyes ever so slowly.
All I wanted to do was wrap her up in a hug and silently hope that this doesn’t happen to us.
Here’s the thing, most people who choose to adopt have suffered immensely before they chose adoption to build their family. Some may have struggled for years with infertility or experienced loss (like us) or experienced countless medical procedures to no avail.
When we turned to adoption to grow our families, all future adoptive parents understand the risk of a failed adoption**. We know the potential exists. For Mr. MPB and I, we’ve deemed the risk of a failed adoption to be lower then the risk of another miscarriage, so it makes logical sense to us.
Yet, we fear it. I’m yet to meet an adoption family who doesn’t fear the potential. We fear it and we dread it.
In fact, just thinking about the possibility of a failed adoption makes my heart race and my eyes well up. I catch my breath and have to deliberately refocus my attention on something else. The fear can easily become debilitating.
I hope for an instant placement in which our baby will be a few days old and the paperwork has all been signed solely so that I don’t have to deal with a potential failed adoption. I would rather meet my child a few days after birth then at birth in order to spare myself a fail adoption (saying that aloud and writing it for the world to read makes me cringe – I should want to be there when our child is born as not to miss a moment of their life, and yet I’m too afraid to be for my own selfish needs).
I work desperately hard not to obsess about the fear of a failed adoption. In fact, this is the first real post I’ve dedicated fully to the topic because I cannot bring myself to sit down and think about it long enough to write about it.
My fear is intense. It’s palpable and it’s unlike anything I’ve experienced before.
I honestly don’t know what we are going to do if we experience a failed adoption. I know I have many friends around the world who will help pick up my broken pieces, and I’m ever so grateful that I have such amazing support. And yet, I also know it might just break me in a whole new way, and a way that I wont know how to survive.
Yet I know, there is no real way to prepare for a failed adoption, if it’s going to happen it will happen and we will have to find a way to get through it.
And so while I’ve voiced these fears today and gave them life, I am going to stuff them right back down and hide from them once again. I cannot live my life based in this fear or I just may not really live at all.
*Please note that I 100% firmly believe in a birth mother’s right to parent. But that decision does cause heartbreak for the potential adoptive family
** I hate the term failed adoption. I know it’s from the perspective of the adoptive family, but it implies that a birth mother choosing to parent is a failure. A change of heart yes, but not a failure.
If you like this post, please feel free to share it and please click the follow button on the side or return to myperfectbreakdown.com to follow my journey.